Enterprise cast cast nets

THIS JUST IN WUXTRY

Enterprise cast cast nets

As could be expected, the cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise has been a blow to the series' cast. Lead actor Scott Bakula was among the first to weigh in on the subject.

"I'm disappointed, of course," said Mr. Bakula. "Enterprise has been a terrific show to work on. It's given me the chance to show my acting range, from slightly pissed off to very pissed off. Jonathan Archer is like a close friend to me. We don't always get along perfectly -- I'm still mad about that time he nerve-pinched me, stole my wallet, and bought front-row tickets to the water polo finals. But he let me beat him up in return, so we're cool.

"For the last four years, the scripts have been steadily improving. The cast are a pleasure to work with, and the fans' support is overwhelming. I wish I could say the same for UPN's support. Actually, I wish I could say the phrase 'UPN's support' with a straight face. But if they want to cancel the only thing they have going for them, they --" At this point Mr. Bakula turned to an advisor and muttered something. When the advisor replied, he turned back to the press and continued: "Okay, still no sign that the execs might change their minds, so I won't have to ask you not to print that. As I was saying, they're jerks."

Regarding his future plans, Mr. Bakula stated that he was considering a number of offers, that number being one. "There's a new Quantum Leap project in development, and now that I'm no longer committed to Enterprise, I'm free to sign on. I'm looking forward to playing Sam Beckett again, and the producers have assured me that he'll be pissed off a good amount of the time."

"Sometimes it bothers me that Enterprise got fewer seasons than Quantum Leap," mused Mr. Bakula. "Then I remember some of our fifth-season episodes, and it doesn't bother me as much."

Charles Tucker actor Connor Trinneer does not speak to the press in person since several reporters have suffered hysterical blindness upon seeing his shirts, but he did speak to This Just In briefly by phone. "I loved this job," said Mr. Trinneer, "but there's one thing I won't miss about it: having to fake a Southern accent. Not many people know this, but my real accent is Scottish. I also have an extra finger on my left hand, they just film around it.

"I'll miss pretty much everything else, though. Trip's complex personality and storylines. The friends I've made on the cast. The huge, enthusiastic fandom. Jolene topless. Shower scenes with Jolene. Jolene in --" (This reporter cut his losses and hung up here.)

Dr. Phlox actor John Billingsley also said he would miss Enterprise. "I certainly won't miss the makeup hours, however," he added. After looking suspiciously around the room, he then lowered his voice and whispered conspiratorially, "Actually, it's in my contract that I have to say that. The makeup artists can't let anyone find out how much their technology has improved. It only takes them seven minutes to apply the Phlox makeup, but they keep me in the room for three hours so their high salaries will seem justified. And since they have nothing better to do in that time, they beat me! Please, get the word out! You have to tell --" Mr. Billingsley was cut off at this point by two men in plaster-of-Paris masks who clubbed him over the head with a large hairbrush and dragged him away.

"I'll miss this show, of course, but for me the time is right," said Malcolm Reed actor Dominic Keating. "I'm an actor by trade, but there are some things that matter more, and now I have the time I need to devote to them. Gun violence is a very serious problem in this country -- it gets worse every year. Now that my role on Star Trek has made me something of a celebrity, I think I have the chance to make a real difference. If I work hard enough, rally enough support behind the movement, we may finally be able to break the power of the NRA and repeal the Second Amendment. Heston, I'm coming for you!"

Mr. Keating also expressed support for the Anti-Rock movement, but retracted it when informed that the movement opposes rock music, not rocks.

Hoshi Sato actress Linda Park intends to find a role on another series. "Not just any role, though," continued Ms. Park. "Going from Jurassic Park III to Enterprise brought home to me the importance of choosing the right part. I'm only interested in playing a character with as much personality and likability as Hoshi. That's why I've given my agent a firm condition to apply to any show that wants me on the cast: that cast must not contain a larger-chested woman than me. I'm sorry, but I won't compromise on this one. I have my standards."

Since this reporter owed TJI's gossip columnist a favour, he asked Ms. Park whether there were any new developments in her love life. "Welllll," Ms. Park replied, "I have been getting some attention from Michael Rosenbaum lately. We met at a convention a while ago and really hit it off. He says I appeal to his animated side, whatever that means." This reporter chalked it up to some obscure in-joke and moved on.

"Oh, the show was cancelled?" said Travis Mayweather actor Anthony Montgomery. "I didn't notice."

Finally, with some reluctance, this reporter spoke to T'Pol actress Jolene Blalock. "My only regret is that this didn't come sooner," said Ms. Blalock. "Enterprise deserved to die. It was badly written, badly directed, and badly acted. And it's all the fault of Rick Berman. Take the first episode -- did you know the only part Berman wrote was the decon scene? He hired a better writer to ghost-write the rest. I didn't see it happen, but I could tell. Or take 'Zero Hour.' Berman not only wrote the final scene, he actually directed it, built the sets, and played the alien Nazi. The whole time I heard him muttering to himself 'This time I'll finally destroy Star Trek forever!' And then he bit me!

"Berman is the reason I've been stuck playing this one-note character for four years. It's his fault I got in all those newspapers and made all this honest money. I could have been Playmate of the Year four times by now! And it doesn't stop there. Berman is a sexist, a communist, and a Nader voter. He denies the Holocaust, along with the rest of World War II. He takes in stray cats and dogs and makes them do his dishes at gunpoint. He puts ketchup made of human flesh on his ice cream. And do you think it's a coincidence that Braga got to be co-producer? He's Berman's bastard son!

"This cancellation is just the first step. We can't stop here. We have to crush Berman, bone by bone, and drink his soul. Who's with me? Who's with me? Before answering, consider my chest size."

This reporter beat a hasty retreat, stopping only long enough to observe a certain woodenness in Ms. Blalock's pose.

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