Nimoy announces results of Search
June 12, 2015
In a shocking development, media outlets have just received the first known press release from beyond the grave.
"Greetings," the announcement read. "It is I, Leonard Nimoy. I have obtained special permission to communicate one last time with the human race. You see, while I am best known for Star Trek, there were other shows that were important to me over the years, and I am now at last in a position to close the book on one of them. Without further ado, I shall begin.
"One: Plants are not affected by their owners' thoughts, whether for good or ill.
"Two: The Phoenicians did not build anything in New Hampshire.
"Three: The Nazca Lines do indeed include a landing strip for UFOs, but not out of any actual necessity; the Nazca people simply enjoyed hallucinogens.
"Four: The Bermuda Triangle is not a testing ground for aliens. It does not, in fact, exist at all.
"Five: 'Bigfoot' is actually a moose.
Mr. Nimoy continued in this fashion, methodically answering the mysteries raised in all 144 In Search Of... episodes he hosted. (The entire text is available on request from our source archive, This Just In Full.) According to Mr. Nimoy, almost none of the theories presented on the show had any basis in fact, but in a few cases the truth was actually more bizarre; Nostradamus, for example, was apparently a time-displaced Richard Nixon.
"Thank you for your time," concluded Mr. Nimoy. "To my customary sign-off of 'live long and prosper', I will add that I now know the two may be sequential, not simultaneous.
"By the way, DeForest and Jimmy send their regards."
Although Mr. Nimoy was careful not to confirm or deny any particular religious claims, the mere existence of a letter from the afterlife will be world-changing if its authenticity can be established. Scientists are hard at work and have already announced that the press release (found on 50 different editors' desks at the same time) so far shows no physical evidence of supernatural origin. Further tests are under way; despite considerable effort, This Just In has been unable to prod any major scientists into jumping to a conclusion that might prove incorrect (aside from Neil DeGrasse Tyson, who will not leave us alone). When a scientific consensus is announced by the Scientific Consensus Institute, TJI will pass it along.
William Shatner, Mr. Nimoy's longtime costar, believes the letter is real. "It sounds like Leonard, and he did always say he would try to answer all those mysteries after he died. Of course, he also said he would tell us where we could find surviving tapes of Puttnam's Prairie Emporium, so I don't know what to think about that.
"Anyway, I'm glad he's doing well. It's hard, you know... outliving all your costars. Sometimes I regret insisting on that in my contract."
Zachary Quinto, currently at work on a similar but less subtle version of Mr. Nimoy's letter, was unavailable for comment.
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Copyright 2015, Zeke. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. I know it's a bit soon, but I genuinely think he'd get a kick out of this.