This Just In
ISSUE #51 JULY 25, 2010

Abrams' Lincoln shot by Joan Wilkes, booth babe

SAN DIEGO, CA - This weekend, devoted fans from across the world are gathering to celebrate all things geek and nerd. And also to argue needlessly about the definitions of these terms. And then, to pretend that they don't really care about such things once within earshot of Felicia Day. And yet this year, these time-honored festivities have taken a turn toward the tragic.

At approximately 20 minutes after ten o' clock this morning, Pacific Daylight Time, a single shot was fired into the back window of the esteemed J. J. Abrams' Lincoln Navigator, lodging the bullet deep within the driver's headrest.

Taking some time away from the event, Mr. Abrams himself was attending a matinée along with his wife. Abram's hapless Lincoln, alas, was unattended in a nearby parking garage at the time of the incident. According to eyewitness accounts, a tall woman with pointy ears snuck up behind the unsuspecting Lincoln, fired once, and ran off shouting, "Sic semper retconnis! Vulcan is avenged!"

Police have identified Ms. Joan Wilkes, a booth babe at this year's Comic-Con, as the crazed assassin. At of the time of this writing, the suspect is still at large. It is suggested by some that she utilized transwarp beaming technologies to return to Vulcan itself. It is suggested to some that they kindly resume consumption of doctor-prescribed medication.

"Yep, I've seen her a lot around here lately," states Kent Loyweiss, a local street vendor. "She's always walking by, muttering about the evils of 'red matter' and some 'alternate reality.'"

"She never trusted Abrams, and she never will," suggests an anonymous friend. "She'll never forgive them for the death of Spock's mom."

Presently, Abrams' Lincoln is in critical condition at a local Auto Repair center. Mechanics are not confident of the vehicle's chances of recovery after a bullet at close range to a critical seat cushion.

Abrams' office issued a statement shortly after the incident. Offering simply, "Now [the Lincoln] belongs to the ages."

All over the world, concerned citizens have expressed shock, anger, concern, and random silliness.

"Abrams' Lincoln was an absolute giant in Hollywood. Literally. Half these clowns have switched to Prius," complained a weary Jay Leno. "I don't see how any other celebrity vehicle could possibly fill its tires. Geraldo's Ford? Please."

This reporter laments that there is not a less despicable celebrity car enthusiast.

"We'll catch her," claimed writer Roberto Orci with confidence. "Wherever it is she escaped to, probably hanging out with prime universe sympathizers across the Arizona border. But wherever she is, we'll catch her."

When reached for comment, Anton Yelchin was found wearing dark sunglasses and a baseball cap with the price tag still attached. Visibly shaken, he offered, "I'm terrified that there's still a crazed woman out there, gunning for Abrams' navigators."

"BRAAAAAAAIINNS," suggested Abraham Lincoln, in his first public statement in 145 years.

This Just In is currently investigating rumors of a plot orchestrated by San Diego Comic-Con leadership. Others, still unmedicated it would seem, describe an elaborate scheme carried out by Starfleet itself. As of yet, there is no evidence of any Con-Federation conspiracy. All that is certain is grievous injury to Abrams' Lincoln, originating from a hastily vacated Joan Wilkes' booth.  

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Copyright 2010, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. Personally, I always sort of assumed Abrams drove a tank.