OTTAWA, CANADA - After lying low for six months, the evil clone of Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke" has made his move and is currently staging a hostile takeover of the site.
Calling himself "Commodore Zuke," the clone has -- oh no! Ahem... we have just been informed that Zuke's forces have successfully breached our perimeter. They're moving in on the inner defences as we speak... (sound of explosions) Oh, the humanity! There's no stopping him now! Zuke is entering the compound -- he's in the This Just In building!
Listen: there are some things that you have not been told, some things that we have been asked to keep from the public. For the last year we have been under duress, ordered to only speak of what the government tells us. But I can't keep quiet any longer. The colonies of Orion 7 and Proxima 3 have -- wait! WAIT! NOOO....
(various noises in the background)
Hello and welcome back. I'm "that reporter," taking over for "this reporter" during his mysterious and unexplained leave of absence. Do not be alarmed -- This Just In will continue to publish and keep you informed of current events as they unfold.
In today's news, the tyrannical reign of "Zeke" was at last ended today as the heroic Commodore Zuke overthrew him and took onto himself the burden of the webmaster position.
Unlike his now-defeated enemy, the Commodore embraces progress and development instead of stagnation. To this end, he has renamed the website to "Six-Minute Voyager"; all other site vocabulary has changed accordingly.
Commodore Zuke promises to provide far more humourous and enlightening material than his predecessor. Here is an example of this, taken from the upcoming Enterprise parody Six-Minute "Acquisition":
Ferengi: Hahahaha! You fools! You have been crushed under our mighty mighty power!
Archer: Oh no! What ever shall we do to save ourselves from these hideous creatures?
Commodore Zuke: Fear not -- I will save you! Take this, Ferengi!
Ferengi: AAAA! This human is too strong and intelligent for us to defeat! We must flee!
Zuke: Captain Archer, I give you back your ship.
Archer: Oh, thank you, Zuke! You have saved us all.
T'Pol: I... I believe I am experiencing attraction to this human.
Trip: Who, me?
T'Pol: No, you fool -- Zuke. I require less clothing immediately....
This is but the first sample of the glorious new age into which our great leader Commodore Zuke will take us. Lead on, Zuke! Lead on!
TO BE CONTINUED