BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - The world was rocked this morning by the news that genetic science had finally reached a long-awaited and much-feared milestone: the successful cloning of a human.
Wilberton P. Dashsmith, president of the small Boston genetics firm Clones 'R' Us, announced the news in a press release. "Most of the technology required for human cloning has been available for years, but it took the brilliance and courage of our engineers to finally take the big step," explained the recent multibillionaire. "The only obstacle was cost, and we were fortunate enough to hear from a very wealthy client. The result: he has been cloned, and we are all planning long, expensive vacations in distant lands without extradition laws."
Anticipating ethical questions, Mr. Dashsmith added, "The moralists of this world will undoubtedly question the morality of my immoral actions. For the record, however, I feel no sense of guilt for what I and my company have done. We have taken a great leap forward for science and, more important, become rich as sin. Do you like my hat? It's made of MONEY!"
Mr. Dashsmith then apologized to the webcomic Penny Arcade, for reasons unknown.
While the client's identity was not released to any newspaper, we at This Just In are investigative reporters of the highest order. We conducted extensive research, spoke to all our most reliable contacts, and pored over the company's paper trail. At last, after much deep thought, this reporter found a solution: call up Five-Minute Voyager webmaster "Zeke," around whom most of our articles inexplicably seem to revolve, and ask if he knew. Mr. Zeke replied with the horrifying truth: it was he who was cloned!
"It was a fairly simple piece of reasoning," explained Mr. Zeke. "I have a very limited amount of spare time, especially now that university is back on, and I'm often frustrated at not having time to write new material. What better solution than to double my time by doubling myself? So, since I still had 47 billion dollars lying around from the Microsoft deal, I decided to put it to use."
(This reporter interrupted here to remind Mr. Zeke of his often-stated hardline stand against human cloning. His reply was something unintelligible along the lines of "Look, I can't do this 'Clone Wars' thing without writing myself a little out of character." This reporter considers it a classic case of evading the question.)
With the mystery of the client's identity now solved, one more remained: that of the clone's location. After much prodding, nagging, threatening, cajoling, and blackmailing, Mr. Zeke finally admitted that the clone had escaped. "The nice folks at Clones 'R' Us are rather heavily overpaid," remarked the parodist. "Halfway through the setup, they divided when they should have multiplied, and the results were disastrous. The clone looks exactly like me, with the same age and memories -- but he's evil! Evil, I tells ya! Lore to my Data! T/7 to my J/C! 'Spirit Folk' to my 'Latent Image'!"
Mr. Zeke has been ordered to refrain from the use of metaphors for one week. Meanwhile, the clone is still at large; while there is no way of knowing his plans, this reporter thinks it's safe to assume that he is preparing to launch a major offensive. Otherwise, this article probably wouldn't say....
TO BE CONTINUED