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Five-Minute "The Trouble With Tribbles"


Kirk: Let's kick things off with a bit of exposition, shall we?
Spock: No need sir; this is a classic, everyone knows the important stuff.
Kirk: Right...what about Klingons? We won't see any of them will we?
Spock: You mean you haven't seen this particular classic? Wow....
Kirk: Come on! This parody was self-referential enough without you having already seen the episode!
Spock: Point.

Captain's Log: Having received an emergency call from Space Station K-7, we're arming all weapons and hoping for attacking Klingons, or at least some drunk ones.

Chekov: What, nobody's there?
Lurry: (over the comm) Um...er...no distress, my mistake. Care to beam over?
Kirk: No! We're leaving right this instant!
Spock: Wait, that's not how this episode goes....
Kirk: Sigh...Mr. Spock, stop spoiling this for us and let me make my own decisions! Now...would you care to meet me in the transporter room?

Lurry: Hi, this is my puppet-master and big-wig Federation guy, Nilz Baris.
Baris: Hi, this is my puppet-master and Klingon secret agent (but shh, don't say anything yet), Arne Darvin.
Darvin: Hi, er...sorry, there's nobody left for me to introduce.
Kirk: I see, I see...well I'll introduce my blatant disrespect for all of you, and then Spock can introduce parties to come over for shore leave. Howzat?
Baris: Unacceptable.
Kirk: Excellent.

Spock: So, they plan to develop this Sherman's planet with quadrotriticale crops....
Kirk: You know Spock, you really could stand to learn the art of small talk.
Spock: What, on my quest to become more human? Ha!

Uhura: Ooh, what's that?
Cyrano Jones: Why, a tribble of course! Wasn't the title obvious?
Bartender: The title also refers to a certain "trouble" with your tribbles.
Jones: Huh? No, no that's just a...er...joke. Here, I'll sell you some for half price.
Bartender: I don't know....
Jones: Okay, a third.
Bartender: Not so fast, buddy! You offered me half and I'm not going any lower!

Fitzpatrick: As a spiffy Admiral with a funny name, I hereby order you to follow Nilz's orders.
Kirk: Great, I better get something good for all this....
Uhura: (over the comm) Captain, Klingon ship approaching!
Kirk: Hooray! Are they drunk?
Uhura: Unable to determine at this point, but might I remind you that they are Klingons.
Kirk: Excellent.

Kirk: Mr. Lurry, need to be saved from Klingons this time?
Lurry: (on screen) Um...er...no distress. Care to beam over?
Kirk: Jeez, what a loser...why would I do that?
Koloth: (on screen, next to Lurry) I can't think of a reason.
Kirk: Aw, you sound sober....
Lurry: (ahem)
Kirk: Very well.

Koloth: We're just here for shore leave, Captain. We'll be no trouble at all.
Kirk: You're going to stay sober and let your crew get drunk? As a Klingon? Jeez, you're an even bigger loser than Lurry!
Lurry: (snicker)
Kirk: Nobody asked you. Now then, for every Klingon you bring aboard, I'll have a security officer wearing a hat that says "Koloth is a loser."
Koloth: (muttering)...The lengths I go to to get my crew drunk....
Kirk: (muttering to Spock) ...The lengths I go to to get drunk Klingons....

Kirk: What's all this?
Spock: It appears that Uhura's tribble had baby tribblai.
Kirk: Plural of "tribble" is "tribbles," Spock. At least, according to the title.
Spock: Funny; the version of this episode I saw was called "The Trouble with Tribblai."
Kirk: Oh man, that's rich....
Spock: What?
Kirk: You must've gotten a bootleg script with some tentative title! Ha! That's how you saw this episode so early....
Spock: Not so...now if you need me, I'll be in my quarters deleting the evidence from my hard drive.

Baris: (over comm) Kirk, this station is swarming with tribbles!
Kirk: I was unaware that 1,771,561 tribbles constituted a swarm.
Baris: You're right -- it constitutes a small continent!
Kirk: Your complaint has been noted. Kirk out.
Baris: (muttering) This is not how this conversation was supposed to go.

Kirk: All right crew, go out, get drunk, and beat up all the Klingons you can.
Scotty: Are you sure that's a good idea? Why don't we just try to avoid conflict?
Kirk: Hmm...sounds risky. Tell you what, you go down and supervise and I'll let you give it a shot.
Scotty: I don't know...I'm not a huge fan of drunken shore leaves....
Kirk: HA! Good one...see you in a little while.
Scotty: But--
Kirk: Energize.

Klingon: Kirk is a loser.
Scotty: I do believe our hats say otherwise.
Klingon: (reading) "Koloth is a loser."
Scotty: Yep, and don't you forget it.
Klingon: Why I oughta--
Scotty: Easy laddie, we're trying to avoid conflict.
Klingon: The Enterprise sucks.
Scotty: Fair enough -- Thwap!
Jones: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Bartender: Stop that!

Captain's Log: Because of the fight, I've cancelled shore leave for both ships. Not because I'm mad that they fought, but because I'm bitter over having missed it.

Kirk: I want to know who threw the first punch!
Kirk: Very well, you're all sent to bed without supper -- Scotty, wait.
Scotty: All right....
Kirk: Who threw the first punch, Mr. Scott?
Scotty: Me, sir.
Kirk: If you weren't already drunk, and being sent to bed without supper, I'd buy you a drink!

Kirk: Bones, explanation.
McCoy: I figure they're born pregnant. And bisexual, reproducing at will.
Kirk: I'm not sure I would've phrased it that way, but you certainly did create a disturbing tribble mental image.

Baris: I believe that Cyrano Jones is a Klingon agent!
Spock: I disagree. Jones is just an idiot.
Kirk: I agree.
Baris: While I don't disagree that he is an idiot, I do disagree with you in general.
Kirk: I agree that we disagree, but I feel that you will disagree with my opinion that you too are just an idiot.
Baris: I do disagree. But I hope that we can all agree that my sidekick here is doing an excellent job in researching Jones' past.
Darvin: I agree, anyway.
Spock: I must disagree, thus disagreeing with your assertion that we can all agree.
Kirk: I concur.
Spock: Aw, we were SO on a roll....

Kirk: Computer; chicken salad.
Computer: One tribble salad coming up.
Kirk: No, no. Hmm...how about prime rib?
Computer: One prime tribble coming up.
Kirk: Arg! What's wrong with this thing?
Scotty: They're into the machinery, through air vents just like those on the station, specifically the grain storage bins.
Kirk: Very interesting.
Spock: Shouldn't we do something?
Kirk: Only if we want to keep our jobs. Oh wait, I suppose you do have a point....

Kirk: Guard, open that door.
Guard: Can't, it only opens to your retina scan.
Kirk: That's odd, I wonder why that'd be....
Tribbles: Banzai!
Spock: Captain, these tribbles appear to be gorged....
Baris: That's terrible!
Spock: ...and dead.....
Kirk: That's worse!
Spock: ...and ticking.
All: AGH!
Spock: Heh heh. Just kidding. Well, on the third one anyway.

Koloth: I demand an apology! Your hats are libel!
Baris: I demand an apology! Your guards are a joke!
Darvin: I demand--
Tribbles: Eep!
Darvin: --a raktajino.
Kirk: Koloth, get lost. Baris, get a life. Darvin, get exiled to Cardassia. And Cyrano....
Jones: Yes?
Kirk: Get busy. You'll need a miracle, or at least a glommer, to clean up this mess.

Kirk: Would a bridge free of tribbles be tribble-less or tribbless?
Scotty: Uh....
Kirk: Never mind, how'd you do it?
Scotty: I beamed them to the Klingon ship, sir.
Kirk: You what?
Scotty: Sir?
Kirk: Next time, you have to remember to beam them over with little hats on too!
Scotty: Aye -- assuming there is a next time.
Spock: Hahahaha!
Scotty: What?
Spock: Sorry, I guess you wouldn't have seen that one yet.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.