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Five-Minute "The Mark of Gideon"


Captain's Log: We're orbiting some giddy planet which wants to join the Federation, but will only do so if our delegation consists only of myself. It's a good thing too; "delegation" is my middle name.

Spock: Sir, ready to beam one James R. Kirk down to the coordinates.
Kirk: Blast, Spock! It's James D. Kirk now!
Spock: I take it the name change is official?
Kirk: You bet.

Kirk: Uh... Spock? You were supposed to beam me down, not disappear instantaneously and without plausibility.

Hodin: (on screen) I'm Ambassador Hodin, of Gideon -- tee hee!
Spock: Uh....
Hodin: Weren't you supposed to beam down a captain to us? 'Cause we didn't get one.
Spock: I beamed him down personally. James D. Kirk himself.
Hodin: D. Kirk himself? We didn't ask for D James Kirk. When R you going to send the right one?
Spock: (Sigh), permission to beam down and explain in person?
Hodin: Denied, we're isolationistical.
Spock: Damn it!
McCoy: Ha! You dumb--
Spock: If glares could kill, you'd be a black stain on the bridge by now.

Kirk: I don't believe there is anyone else aboard. Score! No costars.
Odona: Howdy.
Kirk: Gah! Uh... is it Wanda?
Odona: Odona.
Kirk: Right, right. So what exactly happened last night?
Odona: Huh? I've never seen you before in my life.
Kirk: Whew!

Kirk: So what brings you aboard my kickin' bachelor pad with warp nacelles?
Odona: Is that what you call this place?
Kirk: Only recently.
Odona: I see. Well, one minute I was standing in an auditorium pressed against thousands of mindless drones, and the next minute I'm here. I really have no clue how I got here.
Kirk: Heavy metal and drugs can do that. Now, let's be certain we're alone....

Hodin: (on screen) You will be pleased to be informed that Captain Kirk is nowhere on this planet.
Spock: Should I believe you?
Hodin: Do you wish to question my word?
Spock: Would you give us the opportunity to test our equipment by beaming down to the surface?
Hodin: Can you agree to let us be the first to test it by first beaming one of my colleagues aboard?
Spock: I don't see why not.
Hodin: Ha! I win!
Spock: Win what?
Hodin: Er... I'll see you in a few minutes.

Scotty: Beaming aboard one bald colleague.
Krodak: (upon materializing) Grunt.
Spock: Now, can I beam down now or what?
Hodin: (on screen) No, viewscreen off.
McCoy: Does that mean we won that round?
Spock: Oh, shut up.

Kirk: I've tried hailing Starfleet repeatedly, and I've inspected every room on the ship. I can only conclude that we're the only living things left in existence.
Odona: Wow, sure sounds like you've got a strong sense of loyalty.
Kirk: Not really. Say, you do realize that with things as they are, it may become necessary for us to repopulate the universe.
Odona: No, sorry. I don't know where I'm from.
Kirk: Huh?

Kirk: Look outside, the viewscreen is people!
Odona: I see stars.
Kirk: You didn't look fast enough, it turned into a starfield just before you looked.
Odona: Ugh. (faints)
Kirk: Heh. What you really meant was "(swoons)", right? Hello?

Krodak: (turning off viewscreen with Kirk and Odona on it) That was a fun episode.
Hodin: Yeah, but the original "Survivor" was better. Curse those Brits and their originality.
Krodak: What about "The Real World"?
Hodin: Look outside; the real world is a whole bunch of boring people being crowded and stuff.
Krodak: Yep. "The Real World" is people.

Hodin: Congratulations on a great show. Now, if I may have my daughter, please.
Kirk: Huh?
Hodin: (grabs Okona) Yoink!
Kirk: D'oh!

Spock: ...in conclusion, vote "yes" on January 17th on the Rescue Captain Kirk Amendment.
Admiral: (on screen) I'm sorry, but I don't buy into propaganda.
Spock: Permission to run a smear campaign against admirals making arbitrary decisions from afar?
Admiral: Granted.

Hodin: At last, our mass genocidal plan is nearing completion!
Kirk: Buh?
Hodin: James R. Kirk -- you were infected with Quasi-technobabblish Pseudomenengitis and cured, correct?
Kirk: Yeah.... About the name, though. You see, I thought it would be clever if I--
Krodak: If you please, the guest star will have complete silence as he exposits plot.
Hodin: (Ahem) We simply took some of your blood and infected my daughter with it.
Kirk: But why? You're insane!
Hodin: Yep, tee hee! Gideon is a paradise where people live practically forever. Our birthrate rose to the point where the whole planet is one huge mosh pit.
Kirk: So you needed me to control the population with my QTPM?
Hodin: Yep. Quite The Phantom Menace, aren't I?

Spock: That's it, I'm beaming down.
McCoy: Great choice, I'll meet you in the transporter room.
Spock: I'm beaming down.
McCoy: And so am I.
Spock: (GLARE)
McCoy: It burns! It burns!
Spock: You will recuperate in Sickbay presently.

Scotty: (over the comm) Could you repeat that, sir?
Spock: I said I'm on the bridge of the Enterprise.
Scotty: What, did some fan down there get the guts and resources to recreate the entire ship?
Spock: It sure seems that way, Mr. Scott.

Okona: GAK!
Kirk: Huh. I guess looks can kill after all.
Hodin: That was the disease, numbskull.

Spock: After disobeying direct starfleet orders to rescue Captain James R. Kirk, my grand finale shall be breaking the prime directive to save Odona's life.
Hodin: You can't do that!
Krodak: He, uh... just did.

Kirk: Thus, you're magically healed.
Okona: And now I can take your place on the planet and infect the entire population.
Kirk: Yes, what a happy ending this turned out to be.
Okona: Tee hee!

Kirk: I don't get it Spock. Nobody's taking my new middle name seriously. You even forgot it a couple of scenes ago.
Spock: Perhaps you should change it to something even more outlandish. Like Tiberius, or--
Kirk: Tiberius! Brilliant! Remind me to canonize that one sometime soon.
Spock: Will do.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 24, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.