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Five-Minute "The Jihad"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Captain's Log: It's time for us to visit another M-Class asteroid, for a change -- and we're going to save the world from interstellar war (what's new?). I prefer being condescending to primitive aliens, so this should be a new experience...

Kirk: Beam us down, Scotty! Oops, I suppose we are on the asteroid already.
Vedala Felinoid: We have a stolen religious artifact that needs recovering. You're all going to find the brain patterns of Alar.
Kirk: Why!... In!... All!... The!... World!... ?
Vedala: I'm going to tell you...
Kirk: Are!... We!... Going!... To!... Do!... That!... ?
Vedala: ...when you stop interrupting me with your silly fake, exaggerated, choleric drawling.
Kirk: There is nothing choleric about me! I HATE CHOLERICS!

Vedala:As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted (glares at Kirk), the Soul of Skorr contains the brain patterns of Alar.
Kirk: If they had used mine, the galaxy would have made love, not war!
Spock: Not to mention that the sculpture would have been much easier to store.
Kirk: My, my, aren't we touchy about lost screen time!
Vedala: The Skorr used to be a warrior race, but they are docile nowadays. We fear that the galaxy may go to war without this precious artifact, so it's up to you to find it. Now let's all be merry and befriend each other. Hey, you -- icky insect! You can start by introducing yourself!

Em/3/Green: I'm a cowardly lockpick. You may think I stole it, but I only steal things in other episodes!
Kirk: (mumbling) Talk about having illusions. He's already taking my valuable screen time.
Sord: Leapin' lizards! I'm here for my speed.
Lara: I'm a great manhunter! Oh boy, prey at 12 o'clock! Yo, Kirk-man! Need I say I was chosen for my great instinct?
Tchar: Four Skorr and seven -- no, wait! It was 200 years. All I want is PEACE! A piece of this galaxy, a piece of the next....
Spock: I have a gut feeling I was chosen for my overflow of emotions.
Kirk: And I was chosen for my leadership.
Vedala: Is this a doomed quest or what? Off you go to the mad planet to suit your mad team!

Kirk: What's so mad about this planet?
Tchar: It suits me fine. I'll fly ahead! Or overhead, really. I'm going to find this thing first! You guys stay on the ground -- you make easy targets.
Kirk: With my physique and your gender, what say we go scouting on foot?
Lara: Sure!
Kirk: You guys enjoy the land vehicle in the meantime.
Spock: Jim, Vulcans don't enjoy anything -- save perhaps the sound of their own voices.
Kirk: Sooo sorry.
Lara: It's great to be alone with you out here in the wilderness, Kirk!
Kirk: So where is this Soul of the Skorr?
Lara: I'd sure like to Skorr with you, baby!
Kirk: Fascinating.
Lara: Is that what you normally say when a woman makes advances?
Kirk: Nope. Your romantic interest was originally Spock, but William Shatner wanted all the babe action and they forgot to rewrite the line. You see, I should be the Soul character to Skorr!

Spock: The directional equipment of our vehicle has to be rewired! The odds of sabotage are 78.9999 to 1, approximately.
Em/3/Green: Don't look at me -- I can't possibly steal the Soul of Skorr before I find it!
Spock: Just rewire the thing, will you?
Em/3/Green: Don't make a sound; you'll give me the creeps!
Spock: That's interesting, coming from you.
Em/3/Green: Word play is always wasted on Vulcans... Aw, I'll do it.
Sord: We have lava flow approaching. Lemme just throw some boulders in its way, so I can flex my muscles instead of that Kirk.
Kirk: I heard that, you lousy excuse for a Gorn!
Sord: Spock, is he always like that?
Spock: Oh, he can be much worse. Be thankful you're not a recurring character.

Em/3/Green: I was so nervous we wouldn't make it this far.
Spock: You obviously haven't seen enough Star Trek.
Em/3/Green: In what way have I been underprivileged? Time to pick the lock... oh no, there is a bomb on a timer!
Spock: The odds against the lock exploding are...
Sord: Let the lockpick work undisturbed. You know what a coward he is.

Flying Monsters: Shriek! Shriek!
Kirk: Hey, Spock, where have we seen those before?
Spock: We saw them in "The Infinite Vulcan" and we will see them in "The Eye of the Beholder" -- of course, you don't know that since you're not telepathic like I am -- and the odds of me being superior to you are--
Kirk: Enough, Spock. Phasers on explode!
Spock: Applying "explode" setting, Jim.
Monsters: (POOF)

Spock: We are inside the fortress. Good work, Em/3/Green.
Kirk: Being the leader, I should congratulate him!
Spock: Since when do you give anybody else credit?
Kirk: It's never too late to start.
Sord: Don't tell me you'll start taking acting classes?
Kirk: (glaring at Sord) Go watch "Arena" and you'll see what happens to lizards who cross me.
Spock: The sculpture is hovering above ground. Logic shows that only someone airborne could have put it there.
Tchar: I stole the artifact -- I want a holy war to make my people greater! We want to settle the Skorr!
Sord: Now tell me, who didn't see this coming a mile away?
Kirk: I didn't!
Lara: I should have known that Tchar would be the one to use fowl play!
Sord: Let me rephrase that: who with a normal intelligence level didn't see this coming a mile away?
Spock: I estimate the odds of that to be approximately--
Everyone: SHUT UP, SPOCK!

Vedala: This mission will remain a secret. Your memories will fade soon.
Kirk: Where am I? I want to get back to my ship!
Spock: Come along, Captain.
Lara: Isn't he cute? I think that minor intelligence is a major turn-on.
Sord and Em/3/Green: Woman, you are one sick pup!

Sulu: Captain -- and sidekick -- you were only gone two minutes!
Kirk: Very good, Sulu. Remind me to ask TPTB to raise your pay!
Spock: You were just in time -- one more minute and the girl would have bagged the captain, not the other way around!
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.

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This fiver was originally published on October 30, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.