Home Prev 5MST: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "The Apple"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

McCoy: Well, what do you know. Get me a mint julep and I might just settle here.
Kirk: The last scout ship reported some strange readings.
Chekov: This place feels just like Russia!
Kirk: Mr Chekov, cut down on the Dostoevsky. You'll be too smart for me.
McCoy: (under his breath) That's no great accomplishment.

Hendorff: Captain! The flower is shooting straight at -- GAK!
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: How?
McCoy: Don't ask me; I'm a doctor, not a botanist.

Captain's Log: We are investigating the unexplored Gamma Trianguli. One redshirt down from a triffid attack. How many more will go? Will I meet a hot alien babe? Unfortunately, so far Chekov seems to be getting all the action. No fair.

Scotty: Captain, I hear that you're in paradise.
Kirk: Tell that to Hendorff.
Scotty: We have more urgent matters up here. Our antimatter pods are losing potency!
Kirk: You stick to your pods and I'll stick to mine. Kirk out.

Spock: Most unusual.
Kirk: More strange readings?
Spock: Underground vibrations in all directions.
McCoy: Jim, I told you to be more careful when you walk.

Kirk: Mr. Chekov, you can quit studying Lt. Landon's biology.
Spock: Correction, Jim. They are conducting studies on Newton's Third Law.
Kirk: Come again?
Spock: Perhaps the words "two interacting bodies" ring a bell.

Spock: Interesting rock. Low density, light cleavage...
Kirk: Cleavage? Now you're talking.
Rock: BOOM!
Kirk: Talk about a knockout.

Spock: Jim -- (Zap!)
Kirk: Oh no, that flower again -- is he all right?
McCoy: I'll get back to you after I dispense this dose of strychnine.
Spock: I am quite all right, even though my face is greenish.
Kirk: Next time, Spock, just yell and depend on my reflexes.
McCoy: Personally, I'd rather trust Spock's judgment.

Kirk: Okay Kaplan, on post... one step to your left... right there.
Lightning: ZAP!
Kirk: Yes! Bull's-eye!
Mallory: Captain, over by the village -- (trips over rock) GAK!
Spock: We have more important business than downing redshirts. We have a visitor.

Kirk: Okay, you're bare-footed, so how about a sock?
Akuta: Boo hoo.
Kirk: I won't hurt you.
Akuta: Like you didn't just now? I'm the leader of the feeder of the Vaal.
Kirk: And that makes me the beater and a cheater, I suppose. But who's Vaal?

Akuta: Behold Vaal.
Spock: Tricorder scans indicate that Vaal is a machine made from a compound consisting of glue and paper.
McCoy: Papier maché?
Kirk: Nice name for a girl -- let's go meet her. I haven't had a chance this week.

Landon: They have no children.
McCoy: But they don't grow old.
Spock: Obviously, a chaste life can do wonders to stop aging.
Kirk: Bring me a babe... and a cane.

Landon: If someone died on the planet, what would they do?
Kirk: Speculate, Lieutenant.
Landon: Well, where would the children of the children of Vaal come from?
Kirk: Spock, explain to the young lady.
Spock: That would be your area of expertise, Jim. I am afraid we have no birds, bees, or storks on Vulcan.

Makora: They enjoy touching.
Sayana: But it is forbidden.
Makora: It probably feels good....
Akuta: Makora, you're out of touch. Gather the men of Vaal.

Kirk: Vaal is probably draining our ship's energy. Spock, what do your scans show?
Lightning: Zap!
Spock: It appears Vaal is unfriendly. I now have back burns as well as sideburns.
Kirk: You're not a pile of rubble like Kaplan. And you could have jumped out of the way in a flash.
(Spock raises an eyebrow)

Akuta: Speak softly, and carry a big stick. Okay? Now, let's attack!
Spock: These people are starting to get more human by the day. Now they know how to kill.
Kirk: I'm the killer here.
McCoy: Right -- incidentally, there went the last male redshirt.
Kirk: What will we do with them?
McCoy: (singing) Well, they're goooing to our Chapel and they're gooonna get buuuried....

Kirk: We're out of redshirts, but more importantly, the Enterprise is decaying in orbit.
Spock: Saving us means breaking the non-interference directive.
Kirk: Hang the directive. It doesn't even have a consistent name yet.

Akuta: We must feed Vaal!
Spock: One way to get rid of Vaals infesting your garden is to starve them.
Kirk: Right you are, Spock. Scotty, fire on the coordinates I communicated to you.
Vaal: BOOM!

Akuta: Vaal gave us everything we needed.
Kirk: You'll have love. You and your children will enjoy it.
Sayana: Love?
McCoy: Don't look to him for advice on the subject. You'll figure it out eventually.

Spock: I resent what we did back there; it was almost diabolical.
Kirk: Are you casting me in the role of Satan?
Spock: Speaking of casting, a body cast would suit you better than that truss.
(Kirk chases Spock around the corridors of the Enterprise with a pitchfork)


Previous fiver: Mirror, Mirror
Next fiver: The Doomsday Machine


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Star Trek
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Apple"

This fiver was originally published on September 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.