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Five-Minute "Shore Leave"


Sulu: What a wonderful planet on which to have shore leave. Planet, I hereby name thee "Shore Leave Planet".
McCoy: You and every other fan. Seems to me more like a scene from "Alice in Wonderland."
White Rabbit: Follow the white rabbit who?
McCoy: Crap. Was that merely a poorly placed comedic cameo?
Alice: No.
McCoy: Crap crap.

Captain's Log: We're in orbit around a perfect planet. Almost... TOO perfect.

Spock: We've just entered a perfect orbit around the planet.
Kirk: Almost... too perfect.
Spock: Um... yeah. Anyway, I didn't see your name on the list of shore leavers.
Kirk: Well it sounds like fun, but I only have fun behind closed doors and with females.
Spock: Well it would be the perfect opportunity to score a sightly specimen.
Kirk: Hmm... almost too perfect.
Spock: So you'll be going then?
Kirk: I normally wouldn't, but all this suspiciousoscity requires careful examination from a perfect genius such as myself. Hmm, almost too perfect....
Spock: (sigh)

Kirk: So, Bones... describe this rabbit for me.
McCoy: Well he --
Kirk: Are you sure it was a male?
McCoy: Well, no.... It was large and white --
Kirk: Caucasian?
McCoy: For the love of Pie, Jim, it was a frickin' rabbit.
Kirk: I'm afraid I'll have to treat you as a hostile witness now.


Kirk: Yeoman, place the doctor under arrest for randomly shouting "BLAM!"
Barrows: Sir, the noise came from Sulu.
Sulu: Look what I found!
Kirk: Son, where did you find that gun?
Sulu: Under that rock over there.
Kirk: Look, a gun is not a toy. You could have blown somebody's neck off.
Sulu: I've blown off three, look over there.
Kirk: I meant somebody important.

McCoy: Look, rabbit tracks!
Kirk: And Alice tracks!
McCoy: I'll follow the rabbit tracks.
Kirk: Er, whatever floats your boat....

Finnegan: Remember me Kirk?
Kirk: Um... no.
Finnegan: You must! In fact, you were just thinking about me!
Kirk: Actually --
Finnegan: THWAP!
Kirk: Ow... come here, you!
Barrows: (from afar) AHHH!
Kirk: Wait, hold that thought.

Kirk: Did I just hear a damsel in distress?
Barrows: Funny, you're the second person to ask me that in fifteen seconds.
Kirk: Who was the first?
Don Juan: Yo!
Kirk: Oh.

Kirk: I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is off about this place.
Ruth: Hey --
Kirk: Holy crap! It's the most perfect ex-girlfriend I ever had! I'm so glad to see you here! What was your name again?
Ruth: It's--
Kirk: I remember -- it's Wendy, isn't it? Well Wendy, could you remind me how we broke up?
Ruth: You were always interr--
Kirk: Hmm, I'll have to work on that. Say, I've gotta get back to the others, would you mind waiting here?
Ruth: Um --
Kirk: Thanks.

Spock: (over the comm) Jim, I'm picking up unusual readings from the planet's surface.
Kirk: Oh yeah? Well I just picked up my most perfect ex-girlfriend ever, Wanda. Beat that!
Spock: Sir, the energy field we're detecting is quite unusual and powerful.
Kirk: You're right! She was almost... too perfect. Back to the investigation, Kirk out!
Spock: Sir? Sir? (sigh)

Barrows: I wish I were a princess!
McCoy: That's a funny thing to be saying right now.
Barrows: Look, look! A princess dress!
McCoy: That's a funny thing to be finding right now.
Rodriguez: (over the comm) Help! Help, Doctor! We're being mauled by a tiger!
McCoy: That's a funny thing to be mauled by right now.

Spock: Jim --
Kirk: Hey, where'd you come from?
Spock: I transported down to tell you that the transporters don't work.
Kirk: Wait a second... aren't you that guy who complains when I say things that don't make sense?
Spock: Shut up and let's find the others already.

McCoy: You know what else would be funny to be mauled by right now? A medieval knight.
Knight: Ni! Ni! Ni!
McCoy: GAK!
Kirk: Oh no, Bones! You're --
McCoy: I'm dead, Jim!
Kirk: Yeah, that.

Captain's Log: He's dead, Jim! He's dead, Jim! He's dead, Ji-- OW! I probably deserved that.

Sulu: While randomly and wildly shooting that gun I found earlier, I somehow shot the knight. Take a look!
Kirk: It's a dummy! Of course! Planet, I hereby name thee "Evil Mannequin Planet". On Evil Mannequin Planet, Mannequin dress you!
Spock: (sigh) I find myself on a planet with dummies far too often.

Sulu: The bodies magically disappeared!
Spock: I have a theory. What were you thinking about before meeting the people you claim to have met?
Kirk: Girls, what else?
Finnegan: Hey, Jimmy Boy! Get your @$$ over here!
Kirk: Who are you? I wasn't thinking about you.
Finnegan: Yes you were! Yes you were! (runs off)
Kirk: Hey, come back here!

Sulu: Did you manage to find everyone?
Spock: Yes, though there were problems. Especially a certain Captain perched over a certain Finnegan repeatedly shouting "I'm not gay!" while punching him in the face. But that's been taken care of.
Kirk: I'm not gay!
Spock: More or less.

Caretaker: Yo.
Kirk: I'm not gay!
Caretaker: Yes, well it's recently come to our attention that you people do not properly understand the purpose of this place. We are an amusement park where all one's dreams come true.
Spock: Fascinating. You read our minds and come up with robot versions of our desires.
Kirk: There seems to be a bug in your program. You see --
Caretaker: Captain, you seem to be a bit insecure. Just because you were remembering a jerk from your academy days doesn't make you --
Kirk: I'm not gay!
McCoy: As ship's doctor I have authority on matters of medical importance, so if you don't shut up about that I'll punch you in the mouth.
Spock: Fascinating, you're alive....
McCoy: Oh, that. You can't die on this planet.
Caretaker: Right. Anyway, now that you all understand what kind of thoughts you're supposed to have here, why not stay for a while?
Ruth: Yeah, what he sai--
Kirk: Okay.

Captain's Log: Everyone knows I'm a perfect heterosexual. Hmm... almost TOO perfect... Wait! I didn't just say that!
Spock: Jim, give it a rest. How was the rest of your shore leave?
Kirk: It was perfect. But not too perfect. I suggest we come back here some time.
Spock: A good idea. Every once in a while the crew could use something like this to animate them.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, IJD GAF.