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Five-Minute "Requiem For Methuselah"

by Wowbagger

Captain's Log: The Enterprise crew is suffering from Rigellian fever, which will kill us all in hours if left untreated. Fortunately, we just happen to be in orbit around the only planet in forty-seven bazillion light years with the cure. Even more fortunately, the planet appears to be uninhabited, and there are no foreseeable obstacles to success. Place your bets.
Sulu: 100 credits on Klingons.
Chekov: 75 on a gaseous space entity... OF CHAIRS!
Uhura: (shudder) All section heads report their bets are in, sir.
Safe money on non-corporeal being. To you, Spock.
Spock: I'm getting Trelane vibes. 500 credits on a super-powered hermit.
Uhura: Find out who wins this dramatic gambling showdown on the next no-holds-barred A Briefing With Uhura! If you survive the Rigellian fever! Ahahahahahahaha!
Why did I make her the morale officer?

McCoy: Look, Rytalyn!
Kirk: I thought we were curing Rigellian fever, not ADHD.

M4: Die!
McCoy: Hmm. Nomad-style robot. Looks like Garovich wins the betting pool.
Kirk: Not after he dies of Rigellian fever.
McCoy: But he doesn’t appear to be developing the disease.
Kirk: Ah, but he will. Heh heh heh.

Leonardo: Hi, I'm Flint.
Kirk: But your speaker credit --
Leonardo: Is irrelevant.

Shakespeare: I have no compassion for you. Go away and die.
McCoy: But it's like the Plague up there!
Shakespeare: Oh, that changes everything. I lost many of my close personal enemies to the Plague.

Kirk: Wow, Flint, this is a great collection! How could you have possibly gotten previously unknown Da Vinci paintings and Shakespearean plays? And what about this script for an unfilmed episode of Leave it to Beaver?
Spock: (aside) Uh, Captain? Remember "Mr. Flint"'s speaker credit?
Kirk: (aside) Yes, what about it?
Spock: (sigh) Never mind.

Ranya: I wanna see them, Flint!
Solomon: But you already can, on this John Ashcroft-style monitor.
Rayna: (pouts)
Solomon: All right. I never could bear tears from a mechanical woman.
Rayna: What?
Solomon: Never mind.

Bach: Sorry to keep you waiting. I had some urgent plot development upstairs.
Kirk: I assume that "Bach" is just another alternative spelling of "Flint."
Bach: Uh... right. Anyhow, meet the daughter, Lal-- er, Rayna.

McCoy: M4 should be done processing the Rytalyn by now. I'm gonna go get it.
Kirk: I've been thinking...
Spock: How unfortunate.
Kirk: I've got that large supply of Ritalin in my quarters. Can't we use that?
Spock: Sir, you've just given us final, clinching proof that the stuff in your quarters isn't working.

McCoy: This Rytalyn is contaminated with Irrilium!
Kirk: I knew the FDA should never have allowed us to import drugs from Canada! Look what they've done now!
Spock: Captain, Canada has been too busy arguing about Quebec's secession to make any drugs in the last two centuries.

Kirk: Rayna, come fly with me. We'll fly; let's fly away.
Rayna: That sounds strangely like a song Flint wrote.
M4: Stop, you sex-crazed fiend!
Kirk: And that sounds strangely like a scene from Spaceballs: The Isolinear Disk.
Rayna: Flint directed that movie.
Kirk: Excuse me while I put three and three together....
M4: GAK!
Kirk: Nine!

Kirk: Ack! Rayna androids!
Gutenberg: Yes. Fortunately, you haven't discovered my big secret, or I'd have to punish you.
Kirk: Okay, don't tell us.
Gutenberg: I won't mention, then, that I am FLINT: THE INFINITELY PROLONGED! Whoops. Now I need to punish you.
Kirk: You just want a new ornament for your Christmas tree, don't you?
Gutenberg: I think you'll go very well next to the Voyager ornament Q sent me last year.

Rayna: Hey, sweethearts.
Kirk and Ward Cleaver: (pointing at each other) HE is not your sweetheart!
Kirk: I'll kill you for her!
Methuselah: Ah, but I'm immortal!
Spock: Ha! Spock 1, Kirk 0! That'll be five hundred credits, captain.
Gene Roddenberry: Not until I kill him, "Amok Time"-style!
Kirk: Whoa, you're also Gene Roddenberry? That is a pretty paradox.
Arby's Oven Mitt: Oh. Hadn't thought of that. (is struck down by a bolt of lighting from the Logic Gods)
Spock: Well said, sir. It was a brilliant plan, aggravating the Logic Gods and hoping they would miss their target.
Kirk: But they hit their target.
Spock: No, captain, I'm quite sure they didn't.

Rayna: Oh no, an Admiral Haftel complex! Non sequitur! Error! Error! GAK!
McCoy: Jim, I don't know what this means, but her eyes are blue and flashing the message, "Fatal Error 4742. Cannot debug. Shutting down."
Spock: (gasp) That monster created life and ran it on Windows 2000!
Kirk: How dastardly! After all, Windows 98 would have run twice as well!
McCoy: I think you're missing the point.

Kirk: I think I'll never report for duty again. Oh, Rayna! I'm so depressed.
Spock: (mind-melding) Forget...
Kirk: Hey, I feel better now! What was in that mind-meld?
Spock: Prozac.
(Hoping to cure Kirk's itchy, stuffy, sneezy nose, the Enterprise warps away to Planet Claritin at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, J. Heaney.