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Five-Minute "Obsession"

by Nic Corelli

Spock: Excellent, Captain. Our glorious mission of collecting pieces of rock has been successfully finished.
Kirk: Hmm... I'm not so sure. I smell honey....
Creature: Mmmm... I'm so happy. I smell erythrocytes....

Kirk: Spock, I think I remember this creature from a mission 11 years ago. Quick, scan for a gaseous cloud.
Spock: A gaseous cloud? Should I also be scanning for a solid, or a liquid cloud?
Kirk: Um... just gaseous for now -- we'll deal with the other two later.

Redshirts: AAAAAAH!
Kirk: Spock, do you hear something out of the ordinary?
Spock: No. Let's go back to the ship.
Creature: Wow... AB negative! The Dom Perignon of blood... this must be my lucky day!

McCoy: It's quite simple, Jim: something drained them of their blood. I'd say we're dealing with a genuine cloudlike bloodsucking beast here.
Kirk: How do we stop it, Bones?
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a vampire slayer!

Kirk: Mr. Spock, could this evil, supposedly intelligent bloodsucking cloud be able to hide from our sensors?
Spock: Only if it's an evil, supposedly intelligent bloodsucking molecular structure changing cloud.
Kirk: Aha! I think I know how to locate it now.
Chekov: Sir?
Kirk: Ensign, scan the planet for Outrageous Implausibility.

Kirk: Okay, Away Team. You two go search for Count Dracula over there, and you three stay here to guard me.
Creature: Woohoo! Five redshirts! Happy 900th birthday to me!

Kirk: Mr. Garrovick, you're probably wondering why you have been invited to a meeting with the ship's Captain, First Officer and Doctor.
Garrovick: No, not really. It's because I hesitated to fire on the creature and as a result two people were killed.
McCoy: No, you're here because you're the only redshirt in history that has survived an away mission. And you have lines! We're going to study you!

Kirk: Chekov, you incompetent fool! Scan the planet fifty more times!
Spock: Captain, the Doctor and I are concerned you have become obsessed with revenge on this creature because it killed 200 of your crewmates 11 years ago.
Kirk: Obsessed? Oh come on, guys, take it easy! Nobody's obsessed! Uhura, open hailing frequencies to the creature.
Uhura: Opened, sir.

Kirk: This creature is capable of murdering hundreds of people, maybe even more. And desperate times call for desperate measures.
McCoy: What are you saying, Jim?
Kirk: We have no choice but to unleash Josh Hartnett's acting skills upon the creature. Get me 40 Days and 40 Nights.
Spock: Captain, surely you're aware that, as Starfleet officers, we're not allowed to do that.
Kirk: Do what?
Spock: Use weapons of mass destruction.
Kirk: Aww....

Chekov: Captain, the creature is leaving the planet at high warp!
Kirk: Set a pursuit course, and open hailing frequencies. (ahem) Listen to me. You're a cloud. Clouds are pretty. Pretty things do not kill people. Therefore, your entire existence is illogical. Come on now, self-destruct! Self-destruct!
Spock: Haven't I explained the difference between computers and clouds nineteen times already?

Kirk: Fire phasers on the creature!
Spock: No effect. The creature is laughing at us.
Kirk: Fire photons!
Spock: No effect. The creature has invaded the ship.
Kirk: AAARGH! Spock, is this the weakest and most laughable Starfleet ship ever?
Spock: Actually, no. Once upon a time, there was one little NX-01....

Spock: Ensign Garrovick, I have come here to tell you what happened back on the planet was not your fault.
Garrovick: Mr. Spock, that's very kind of you.
Spock: Not at all. You're certainly not responsible for the fact that your species is a big bunch of frightened chickens.
Garrovick: Thank you, that makes me feel so much better.

Garrovick: Oh my God, Mr. Spock! The creature is hovering above my replicator!
Creature: Computer, Bloody Mary. Shaken, not stirred.
Spock: Run, Ensign! I will sacrifice myself to expel the creature!
Creature: Mmm, lunchtime... YUCK!
Spock: Yuck? You drink me and you say yuck?

Kirk: Spock, you're not dead! You're alive!
Spock: Jim! Your spectacular power of perception never ceases to amaze me!

Kirk: Well, I got rid of my guilt, but there is still one little thing we have to do.
McCoy: What, Jim?
Kirk: We have to hunt down and kill the monstrous vampire cloud, for crying out loud!
Uhura: You know, if you want to send it a message, I've left the hailing frequencies opened...
Kirk: Good. And now for the coolest Star Trek line ever... GO BACK TO HELL, COWARD!

Creature: Oh, look! A nice tank full of blood! (Gloop, gloop, gloop) AAAAAAH! Arsenic!
Kirk: There is an ancient Klingon saying: "Revenge is a steak best served bloody!"
Creature: ARRRRRGH! But know this, Kirk... I'll be back!
Kirk: And what, run for the Governor of California? Hasta la vista, baby!
(The Enterprise warps off at Bloody Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Nic Corelli.