Home Prev 5MST: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Errand of Mercy"


Kirk: Check it out! I made a hamburger and French fries out of Play-Doh!
Spock: Sir, is this really the time? We're en route to the planet Organia, and we need to be seriously considering the magnitude of the Klingon threat.
Kirk: Oh, be quiet and eat this Happy Meal I made you.
Spock: Captain, I-- BOOM!
Spock: Haha! Now the Klingons have fired at us and your burger meal has been smashed to bits! You have to do something now!
Kirk: (sigh) Only a Play-Doh masochist like you would find the needless destruction of my sculptures a good thing.

Captain's Log: Having blown up the Klingon ship and subsequently reached Organia, I finally have time to think up a new hobby to annoy Spock.

Uhura: Captain, a Federation ship in this sector is reporting a Klingon fleet heading this way.
Kirk: A Federation ship in this sector? I thought it was against Starfleet regulations to have another ship in the same area as us.
Uhura: Sir, that's more of an informal rule of thumb than a regulation. In the event of an emergency such as this, starship captains have no choice but to enter the KM-Zone.
Kirk: What's that?
Uhura: Er, nothing. Say, shouldn't you and Spock be on the surface?
Kirk: You think that's enough to distract me?
Uhura: I'm not sure I'd be willing to do whatever would be "enough".
Kirk: You'll get over that.

Ayelborne: Greetings! I am hard to pronounce.
Spock: And we are monosyllabic.
Kirk: Speak for yourself, Spock.
Spock: But Jim--
Kirk: Sir, we must speak of an imminent threat to your people. Is there someplace quiet we could go to talk about this? A toy store, for instance.
Ayelborne: Our council chambers are quite nearby.
Kirk: I said a toy store, and I meant it, Robesy.

Ayelborne: Here we are.
Kirk: This is the worst toy store I've ever seen. Who would ever buy a table and chairs playset?
Ayelborne: Captain Kirk, these are our council chambers. Now, didn't you have something to discuss with us?
Kirk: Huh? Oh, that. If you don't take me to a toy store, I'll be an imminent threat to your people.
Spock: (ahem) What he means is, there are Klingon ships in orbit around your planet. Soon your planet will be invaded, and your people enslaved.
Ayelborne: Interesting. What do you propose?
Spock: We'll protect you from the Klingons, in exchange for nothing.
Kirk: By "nothing" he means "toys."
Ayelborne: Yes, well in either case the answer is no.
Kirk and Spock: Huh?
Ayelborne: We don't need any protection. There is no threat. Incidentally, the city is swarming with Klingons. You can't go back to your ship.

Captain's Log: The Organians gave us clothing so that we can disguise ourselves from the Klingons. I was about to ask for toys too, but Spock slapped my hand and threatened time-out.

Kirk: Wait a second. Where's my phaser?
Ayelborne: I stole it. We do not condone violence on our planet.
Spock: But stealing is okay?
Ayelborne: Only peaceful stealing.

Kor: Greetings. I am Kor. Much like Korn, but without N.
Kirk: Korn without end? The horror!
Kor: Yes, many an appreciator of music has trembled before me. Say, you are not like the other Organians. You frown, and shout, and stare blankly at walls.
Kirk: I've been told all my life that I'm a special case.
Kor: Yes, that much is obvious. You shall be my liaison to the people. Come, let us execute this Vulcan and talk about your job prospects.
Kirk: Something about this seems wrong, but I'm willing to see where you're going with this.

Kor: These will be the regulations which you will enforce with absolute cruelty. Rule Number One: Do Not Talk about Fight Club.
Kirk: Huh?
Kor: Never mind, these aren't the rules. Some lazy excuse for a Klingon must've left this in the copier. Anyway, are we clear on your duties?
Kirk: Um....
Kor: Great.
Klingon Lieutenant: Sir, we've interrogated the Vulcan and discovered that his story is true.
Kor: What was his story again?
Klingon Lieutenant: You remember. The one about him being sent here for the summer so he could attend Smile Camp?
Kor: Ah, yes. So I guess the two of you are free to go. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Kirk: Well, he seemed nice enough.
Spock: He is a Klingon.
Kirk: Oh, right. That bastard.
Spock: I have an idea. Let's blow something up.
Kirk: Wait a second -- that sounds like an idea I would have, not you.
Spock: By causing an explosion, we'll show the Organians that they can piss off the Klingons and have fun doing it.
Kirk: Okay, now it really sounds like my idea.


Kirk: Did you see that, guys? We were all like "KA-BOOM" and stuff!
Ayelborne: Please, never do that again.
Kirk: Oh, come on! It was the Vulcan's idea, and he's a sissy.
Kor: Pfft. I believe that.
Kirk: Where'd you come from?
Kor: The door, just now, while you were imitating that explosion you caused. Now, it is time to interrogate you and find out your real name.
Ayelborne: It's James T. Kirk.
Kor: Holy crap! You're that Kirk? Damn, I figured maybe Kirk Cameron had finally grown up....

Kor: You know, I don't want to use our mind-scanner on you, but I really would like to use our mind-scanner on you.
Kirk: I'm confused. Is that a threat or merely a continuity error?
Kor: Both. Klingon continuity has never been terribly ridged.
Kirk: You mean rigid.
Kor: That's what I said.

Kirk: (singing) Everybody in the whole cell block....
Spock: (sigh) This place was much more peaceful until you arrived.
Ayelborne: You there. Way over in the corner weeping all alone. I'm breaking you out of jail.
Kirk: What about me?
Ayelborne: Only if you wear this makeshift gag we made out of a yo-yo.
Kirk: Oh boy, a tmmph!

Spock: I'm confused. You turned us in and then freed us.
Ayelborne: It was all in the name of preventing violence.
Kor: (over the comm) Attention all Organians with comm systems, and hopefully through word of mouth those without: I have just killed 200 Organians. I shall kill 200 more every two hours. I realize at this rate it will take more than a thousand years to kill a billion people, but I'm really sorta hoping you'll give up the Federation spies before then.
Kirk: Wo-hoa! This is one of those cool ones that go up and down by themselves!
Spock: (ahem)
Kirk: (sigh) Very well, we'll go out and fight to the death so that the Organians shall live.
Ayelborne: That sounds violent, and as pacifists we are agai--
Spock: Oh, just shove it already!

Kirk: Aha! We have you now!
Kor: You two are pretty good. But I have a card up my sleeve and it's HOT!
Spock: Ack! So is my phaser!
Kirk: And my yo-yo!
Ayelborne: Yes, all instruments of violence and stupidity have been rendered too hot for TV. Also, hands.
Kirk: But you're just some Podunk yokel planet.
Ayelborne: We merely do good impressions of yokels. We are actually beings of pure energy who are caused pain by violence.
Spock: Obligatory mention of my fascination.
Ayelborne: Yes, your two civilizations will slowly become fast friends.
Kor: Pffft.
Kirk: Yeah right.

Spock: So here we are, unable to fight the Klingons ever again.
Kirk: Pffft. Yeah right. Say, why are the other Federation ships moving away so fast?
Uhura: No reason. On a totally unrelated note, do you really need cologne that can affect women a sector away through the vacuum of space?
Kirk: Of course not. But the Kirk Musk is such a well known icon, I'd hate to disappoint. Why do you ask?
Uhura: No reason. (Enterprise to Fleet: That's a negative on dispersal of the KM-Effect. I repeat -- negative.)
Kirk: What was that?
Uhura: Nothing. Say, how'd you like to find a toy store that sells cold yo-yos?
Kirk: Hooray!
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Devil in the Dark
Next fiver: The Alternative Factor


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, IJD GAF.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Star Trek
___ ___ Season 1
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Errand of Mercy"

This fiver was originally published on August 31, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.