Five-Minute "Catspaw"
by Derek Dean

Kirk: I'm bored. Why haven't Scotty and Sulu contacted us? For that matter, why didn't I beam down to this strange new world?
Jackson: (over the comm) Excuse me, sir. Can I please beam up now?
Kirk: What? The redshirt survived and the bridge officers didn't? That's just not right.

Kirk: All right, Jackson. Start explaining how you survived.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Phew. Everything's back to normal.
Voice: Your ship is cursed. Leave or die!
Kirk: A little too normal, unfortunately.

Kirk: Any life-signs on this planet?
Spock: Two. Thattaway.
Witches: Goooo Awaaaaaaaay....
Kirk: Goo Away? Is that like Goo Gone?
Spock: I think if you'd heard it instead of read it, it would make more sense.

Kirk: Well, Goo away or go away, I think I'm going to just check out that haunted castle.
McCoy: I suppose it hasn't occurred to you that maybe you should actually heed the messages you've been getting, has it?
Kirk: Well, no. Not really.

Chekov: The away team just vanished!
Uhura: It's awful, so awful!
DeSalle: It'll be okay. I'm sure the Captain will make it back safely.
Uhura: No, I meant the hair on the new crewman.
Chekov: What?

Kirk: Aaaah! We're trapped in a dungeon! Stupid stereotype!
Spock: Interestingly, we seem to be trapped in a human nightmare world with things designed to terrify humans out of their wits. Fortunately, I'm not human.
McCoy: You're half-human.
Spock: True, which means that I'm only scared out of half my wits, leaving me the other half.
Kirk: Stop laughing, Bones.

Kirk: Look at the glazed over expression on Scotty's and Sulu's faces! It's like they're listening to Mr. Spock.
Spock: (to Scotty and Sulu) And so you see, gentlemen, that we will need you to release us from these restraints. --
Kirk: Spock!
Spock: Yes, Captain?
Scotty: Huh? What? How did I get here? Oh Captain! I didn't see you there!
Kirk: I knew it.

Korob: Stupid nosey humans, will you go away if I offer you food and drink?
Kirk: Do you think we can be won so easily?
McCoy: You wouldn't happen to have a mint julep, would you?
Kirk: Doctor!

Korob: If food won't win you over, I'll give you all these jewels if you just leave us alone.
Kirk: But we don't use money anymore.
Korob: Whatever. That was the last test, so I guess you win.
Kirk: Win? What did we win? Is it money?
Korob: Tell 'em, Sylvia.
Sylvia: Well, you won the right to be our prisoners forever!
Korob: Wait, that wasn't it.

Kirk: Ha! Got a phaser! Now I want the rest of our equipment back and I want some explanations.
Sylvia: Okay. When I take this image of the ship, and dangle it over the fire, your ship heats up.
Crew: (over the comm) Aaaah! We're burning alive!
Kirk: That's not the explanation I wanted and you know it!

Korob: See, we're explorers. We just want to learn your sciences.
Sylvia: Speak for yourself, I want power!
Kirk: I don't care what you want. My ship's going to blast you from orbit.
Korob: And kill you in addition.
Kirk: Good point. Should've thought that one through.
Korob: Not that it matters since we've encased your ship in a collectible cube.

Spock: So do you have any theories about our alien captors?
Kirk: I think the female one wants me.
Spock: I was expecting something more about how the aliens are using our subconscious to build this world and how they must be utterly alien from us, but I don't know why.

Kirk: Soooo.... you want me.
Sylvia: Boy, do I.
Kirk: HA! I knew it!
Sylvia: And you're really exciting this new body of mine.
Kirk: New body, eh? That means you were born yesterday, doesn't it? Excellent.

Sylvia: You are such a hunk.
Kirk: Yes, I am. Now about your power source?
Sylvia: The transmuter, without which I would be powerless. Wait a minute! You're using me!
Kirk: Don't take it personally. I use lots of women.
Sylvia: Why you....

Kirk: It seems like I'm always ending up back in this dungeon.
Korob: Quick! You've got to escape! Sylvia's gone power hungry. She really thinks she's the cat's meow.
Cat: Meow!
Korob: Aaaaah! It's Sylvia! Ruuuuuun!
Kirk: Geez, don't be such a scaredy cat.

Cat: Ffffft!
Korob: GAK!
Kirk: I've had enough of these cat and mouse games. I think I'll just take the magic wand... YOINK!
Sylvia: Wait. Can I have the transmut-- Magic wand?
Kirk: Ah, so this is the transmuter, is it? And what would happen if I SMASHED IT WITH A HAMMER?
Kirk: Hm. Everything disappears. Not as surprising as it could've been.

McCoy: Look, it's Korob and Sylvia as the little bugs they really are! And they're dying.
Spock: We probably should try to save them.
Kirk: Should. Won't.
(Korob and Sylvia die at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 31, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.