Five-Minute: "Stargate" by Zeke Dr. Langford: Wow! Either the Egyptians used the world's largest earrings, or we'd better start looking for Mount Doom. Catherine: I'm more interested in this pendant, which will enable the viewers to recognize me later as an old woman. By the way, this is 1928, right? Dr. Langford: Of course. Catherine: Just thought I'd establish that. Jackson: Which is why I believe the pyramids were built by alien cabbages. By the way, it's 1994 now, right? ...Anybody? Catherine: Your audience walked out on you; they couldn't handle your brilliance. But I know someone who will. Jackson: Batman? Catherine: Just get in the car. Officer: The army needs you for a -- can you please stop idly pointing that gun at your head? O'Neill: I'm depressed. You would be too. Officer: Look, we're sorry about your son. O'Neill: Son? That's nothing. The Knicks lost last night. Catherine: My father found this giant ring in a flashback to 66 years ago. We think it has mighty, mighty powers. Jackson: What powers specifically? Egyptologist: Well, we're not sure, but we think cabbages may be involved. That's where you come in. O'Neill: Make way, make way. The army is taking command of this project. Jackson: Can I stay? O'Neill: Yes, but by army policy, you'll be dealing with Brussels sprouts now. Catherine: This is soooo unfair! Why are you doing this? O'Neill: Among other things, the army was concerned at the fact that you still talk like you're the age you were in 1928. You're an old lady, for heaven's sake. Catherine: You're, like, totally off my Christmas list. Jackson: My research has shown that the ring is a portal to some distant part of the universe. I've decoded everything except the key symbol allowing people to come back. O'Neill: Oh, that omission won't cause us any trouble. Jackson: Give me a break! I'm dealing with Brussels sprouts here. Anyway, I guess my work for you people is done. Catherine: Oh, goodness no. You're lucky enough to be part of the team we're sending through. Jackson: What? Why? O'Neill: We're picking mostly losers nobody will miss. Jackson: ...miney, moe. This should work. Stargate: Zzzzzzzzzz Jackson: Wake up! Stargate: Wha--? Wazza--? Whoa! Stuff's going on again! A little hundred-thousand-year nap gets you so out of it.... Jackson: Just open, okay? Stargate: Can I go back to sleep afterwards? Jackson: Um... yeah, fine. O'Neill: That probe should be able to give us its location any minute now. Officer: Hmm... the datafeed says "Oh my God, I'm on the other side of the universe! I'm going to die alone on this godforsaken desert planet!" After that it's mostly screams. O'Neill: We've learned two vital things. One, the portal leads to Arrakis. Two, giving a personality to that probe was one of our less wise decisions. Catherine: Here, take my pendant with you. It's good luck. Jackson: How do you know it doesn't have some kind of ancient mummy curse on it? Catherine: Don't be silly. If it did, I'd be a decrepit old hag by n-- oh, for heaven's sake. O'Neill: Are we all ready to go? Kawalsky: Yes, sir. Brown: Yes, sir. Four Or Five Redshirts: Yes, sir. Jackson: Yes, s-- shoot, dropped my books again. I'll catch up. O'Neill: Nice try. O'Neill: We're here! ...Now, let's get the hell out of here. Jackson: Sorry, I don't know the symbol for that. I was kind of hoping it would be sitting around here somewhere under a big white arrow or in the middle of a red X or some such. Kawalsky: You idiot! You've doomed us all to sandy graves! O'Neill: Mission log. So far, so good. Jackson: Hey, it's a cute little monstrous beast! Let's follow it back to the filthy cave it probably came from. O'Neill: Sounds sensible. Redshirts, go investigate that pyramid. Redshirt: But what if there's a giant snake or something? O'Neill: Pour salt on it. I hear that's helpful with snakes. Kawalsky: Slugs, sir. O'Neill: Don't contradict your superior officer. Kasuf: Kill the intruders! Kill the -- hey, you've got a pendant. That changes everything. Jackson: Oh, you like my pendant? Kasuf: No, we just find it funny to see a man wearing a girly pendant. Hee hee. Girly pendant man. O'Neill: So who's in charge around here? Kasuf: We try not to say his name. He doesn't like it. Brown: This food tastes raw. (BOOM) Kasuf: See? Kawalsky: What? He just said his food was ra-- (BOOM) Kasuf: Stop that! And dammit, I just remembered we're not supposed to know English! Greejrw kjasne, weop dfhse sdhk! O'Neill: So does your mother. Sha'uri: [Hello. I was sent to have sex with you, so make it quick.] Jackson: Wow, a real live girl. I haven't seen one since I went into Egyptology. Sha'uri: [Okay, cancel the sex. I'm leaving.] Jackson: I wish I understood your language. Sha'uri: [You won't in a second, you ****ing **** ****** ****.] Jackson: Such beautiful, flowing words.... Redshirt 1: Holy crap! A giant pyramid just landed on our giant pyramid! Redshirt 2: Remarkably original. Anubis Guard: You die for that. Redshirt 2: Ha! We die just for being who we are. O'Neill: And that's how we smoke, little kid. Skaara: [Oh, thank you, sir! Now I can be like all the cool, dying kids.] Jackson: Sha'uri led me to this cave. I think she's hot for me. Sha'uri: [I just want you off my planet, you nerd.] O'Neill: Good work, Jackson. What have you found? Jackson: It seems their god, Ra -- (BOOM) Jackson: -- I mean, not Ra -- (BOOM) Jackson: -- I mean, Poindexter, came to this planet years ago to become immortal or something. Then he built big, big rings that turned out to be Stargates. O'Neill: What was he trying to build? Jackson: Bagels. Anyway, went to Earth, made some pyramids, yada yada. The point is, we can go home now. O'Neill: How? Jackson: Well, the symbol's right here on this tabl-- whoops. Dropped it. Guess we're screwed again. Sha'uri: [God, why couldn't I have been assigned to the balding one?] Jackson: Hi, everybody! We're back! ...Where are the redshirts? Anubis Guard: They got assimilated. Didn't even put up a fight. O'Neill: Oh. Well, to honour their memories, let's run away. (WHOMP) Anubis Guard: Yeah, that was helpful. Ra: Hey, guys. Thanks for the big bomb. Jackson: What big bomb? O'Neill: Um... yeah, what big bomb? Ra: Silence. I will now kill one of you so I can resurrect him to make a point. Who volunteers? O'Neill and Jackson: He does. Ra: Oh, fine, we'll just go alphabetically. O'Neill: By last name or f-- Jackson: GAK! O'Neill: Never mind. Jackson: Zzzzz... whoa! Now I know how the Stargate felt. Ra: Welcome back. Can I have your pendant? Jackson: No. Ra: Please? It's pretty and I want it. Jackson: No. Ra: I'll destroy your planet. Seriously. Jackson: No. Ra: Fine. Since you will not break, I will resort to more subtle means of persuasion. Jackson: Ow! Hey, give back my pendant! Ra: No. Skaara: [Alien fighter ships blew up my sand castle!] Kasuf: [It is punishment from Poindexter. He is angry at us for being won over by the evil Hollywood actors.] Skaara: [So what do we do? Cry?] Kasuf: [No, we must think of a --] Skaara: ['Cause I can do that.] Kasuf: [No!] Ra: Hear ye, hear ye. The execution of the aliens will now begin. Crowd: [We can't speak English!] Ra: [Oh, right. Anyway, Jackson here will now execute the aliens with this gun. Go ahead, Jackson.] Jackson: I can't speak Abydonian. Ra: Right, sorry. Go ah-- Crowd: [We can't speak English!] Ra: [Oh, I give the hell up! Just shoot them, Jacks-- OW! Not me!] Jackson: Sorry. What you said was English for "shoot me." As far as you know. O'Neill: Okay, I admit it. The military had me bring a big bomb through so we could blow up the Stargate here, if it turned out to be necessary or fun. Jackson: You're a jerk, Jack. What made you so depressed and cynical? O'Neill: How many times must I tell people? It's the stupid Knicks. Jackson: One game surely isn't -- O'Neill: Game, heck. Have you seen their season totals? Skaara: [Look, I drew a picture.] Jackson: Hey -- I found the missing symbol! We can go home! Skaara: [What? No, this is just a picture I --] Jackson: Woo hoo! Home ahoy! Whee! O'Neill: Now for a big, confusing battle. Horus Guards: Wham wham wham wham.... Humans and Abydonians: Bash bash bash bash.... Sha'uri: GAK! Jackson: Oh no! Who would have thought a simple whambash would lead to this? Anubis Guard: Hi, I'm here to fight O'Neill for a while. Notice how I got here? Jackson: It's the transporter rings, right? Anubis Guard: Yeah. You might want to use them to beam Sha'uri up and -- Jackson: I get it, I get it. Thanks, man. Anubis Guard: No problem. And you're O'Neill, right? O'Neill: Yeah. Anubis Guard: Okay. Throw down, punk. O'Neill: You want a piece a' me? Anubis Guard: Ew. What piece of you would I want? Kawalsky: Hmm. Does anybody still care what we're doing? Skaara: [I don't think so. Let's go for ice cream.] Ra: How dare you use my sarcophagus to heal this bimbo? She doesn't even like you! Jackson: She does so! She's alive enough now to tell you, too! Sha'uri: [He's a horrible, boring nerd. Please SAVE ME FROM HIM!] Jackson: See? Wasn't that emphatic? O'Neill: Gonna have to kill you now, dude. Sorry. Anubis Guard: S'okay, comes with the territory. Don't you have a bomb to deactivate, though? O'Neill: Oh yeah, that's still going on. We just haven't brought it up in dialogue yet. Anubis Guard: All right then, just thought I should check. GAK! Jackson: I'm back, with my girl. Sha'uri: [I swear to God I'll kill you if you call me that again.] O'Neill: Glad to see the happy couple again. Now help me beam the bomb up to Ra's ship. (BOOM) O'Neill: I mean, that guy's ship. Ra: Oh, good, they sent me a going-away bomb. Wait a -- (BOOOOOOOOOOM) Jackson: You'd think that would cause some debris to rain down on us. O'Neill: Maybe you'd think that. Now let's go home. Jackson: I'm sorry, my friend, but I've decided to stay. O'Neill: Should I pretend I'm sad about that? 'Cause I'm really, really not. Skaara: [Waaaaaaa!] Sha'uri: [Please, PLEASE take me with you! God, I can't be around this dorkwad one more minute! I --] Jackson: I love you too, sweetie. (The Stargate sends the team back at Ludicrous Speed) THE END All material © 2003, Zeke. You are number ### to punch Daniel and take his pendant.