Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "2010"

by Nan

Aschen: Everyone likes us. Even if we are pasty-complexioned and creepy-looking.
Kinsey: The Aschen rock. And I rock, 'cause I arranged this little party. Yay me! On with the 10-years-into-the-future show.

Carter: Hi.
Teal'c: Hi.
Daniel: Hi.
Fraiser: Hi.
Carter: O'Neill isn't here. This sucks.
Fraiser: I have nothing to do. That sucks.
Daniel: Yep. Well, let's all have dinner.
Everyone: Cool.

Fraiser: Where's O'Neill?
Carter: Seethe.
Fraiser: How's married life?
Carter: Except for the fact we're still not pregnant yet after three years of trying? Peachy. You?
Fraiser: Seethe.
Carter: Bored?
Fraiser: Newfangled Aschen tech kinda makes me useless.
Carter: Foreshadowing.

Fraiser: Well, you've got problems.
Carter: The Aschen said we were fine.
Fraiser: They suck. And they lied. See my little medical readout thing?
Carter: I'm gonna go hacking.

Carter: Hi, Mollem.
Mollem: Hi, Samantha. Are we ready to theoretically turn Jupiter into a star?
Carter: Yeah, sure. I've got new ideas, though, which would require use of the computer.
Mollem: Waitaminnit: only we get the latest version of Windows. No earthlings allowed.
Carter: C'mon... you know you wanna.

Fraiser: So?
Carter: They've sterilized most of the population through the anti-aging vaccine. It says so right here. "Evil Plan Involving Anti-Aging Vaccine: We've sterilized 90% of the human race. Yay us."

Daniel: So what do we do?
Carter: Send a note back in time. Like last season. Remember "1969"? Solar flare + coordinates exactly on the opposite side of the sun = time travel?
Everyone: Cool.
Carter: Just have to access the Aschen computer and convince O'Neill to help us.

O'Neill: I won't help you.
Carter: But-but-but...they're evil!
O'Neill: I told you so.
Carter: Yeah, well...we still need your help.
O'Neill: I don't care.
Carter: Well fine then!
O'Neill: Fine yourself!
Carter: Fine yourself twice!

Tour Guide: How annoying am I? Hee hee!

Daniel: We're on a tour of our old work place...
Carter: Yeah-hunh...
Daniel: ...to filch a GDO so we can get the gate to open...
Carter: Yeah-hunh...
Daniel: ...so we can make sure the iris on the gate ten years ago will open...
Carter: Yeah-hunh...
Daniel: ...so they can get the note...
Carter: Yeah-hunh...
Daniel: ...thus changing the timeline...
Carter: Yeah-hunh...
Daniel: ...and probably getting ourselves killed in the process.
Carter: Yeah-hunh.
Daniel: Well, for these stakes, our disguises are lame.
Carter: Yeah-hunh. Let's go find some stuff.

Carter: You came.
O'Neill: You came late.
Daniel: The Zats are real. The GDO's a fake.
Walter the Tech: Hey! Oh. Remember me? Waitaminnit! What're you...?
Daniel: Where's the real GDO?
O'Neill: You know you wanna tell us...

Carter: Hey, honey.
Carter's Husband, Ambassador Joe Something: Hey, honey.
Carter: The Aschen have been lying about that whole "you're perfectly peachy" thing. Most of the planet ain't perfectly peachy.
Joe: Well, dammit! It was only supposed to be a fraction of tha--oops.
Carter: Okay, now you suck, honey.

Carter: Gimme the GDO.
Joe: It's on the President's desk. But I won't get it!
Carter: You know you wanna...come on...pleeease?

Joe: Here it is...
O'Neill: Cool.
Joe: ...just leave Sammykins out of it.
Carter: Hey!
O'Neill: 'Kay.

O'Neill: Okay. Frasier: the hawk flies at midnight.
Fraiser: Yeah, I've got my travel papers for Chu'lak.
O'Neill: Daniel: the eagle has landed.
Daniel: Zat's in the suitcase.
Joe: Here's your GDO.
O'Neill: Carter: the postman always rings twice.

Joe: Come on, honey.
Carter: Ragginfraggin...

Teal'c: Hey.
Guard: Hey! No weapons allowed. You'll have to shoot me to--ack!
Teal'c: Heh.

Teal'c's Fellow Jaffa Guy: GAK!
Weapons System: Bzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Teal'c: Finished dialing--GAK!
O'Neill: McGyver moment. GAK!
Daniel: GAK!

Carter: I can't run away with you, honey. I'm going to save the world again!
Joe: Ya have ta?

Vin Scully: And Carter's going for the Gate! She's almost at the note! She's hit! And the note just makes through the wormhole as she collapses in laser-blasted death!

Note: Bounce bounce roll...
O'Neill: Hey! This is my handwriting. "If you go to Z'ha'dum you will die."
Carter: Wrong show.
Daniel: Lemme see. "Under no circumstance go to P4C-970. Signed, O'Neill."
Carter: We're headed there.
Hammond: Not anymore. Let's make this a full-on Grandfather Paradox and delete the address from the computer.
Everyone: Cool.


THE END

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