Alien 1: Wow! We're detecting a real alien signal!
Alien 2: What does it say?
Una: First contact had been a dream of many people...
Alien 1: Sounds like some kind of overly-long narration.

Klaatu: As one of our greatest philosophers once said, "Imray tari narawak axo degus."
Batel: How many times are you going to watch that movie?
Pike: Until I figure out that line.
Batel: Come on, Chris, you're clearly brooding about something. Just tell -- where are you going?
Pike: To ride a horse. By the way, if you want some dill, it's behind the oregano.

April: Sorry to interrupt your vacation, but your first officer's in trouble.
Pike: Understood, Admiral... uh...
April: You know me. I'm Robert April.
Pike: Oh! Huh, guess we're back to the animated show not being canon.
April: Excuse me?

T'Pring: At last we are engaged.
Spock: Yes. Wait, weren't we already? Could I have been dating up to this point?
Waiter: Hey, you're Spock and T'Pring! Great to see you onscreen together again. Who doesn't have fond memories of that episode, with its high tension and sublimated urge--
T'Pring and Spock: *make out*
Waiter: Get out.

Pike: (over the comm) Spock, we need -- oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Spock: It's just as well. I actually have no idea how to do this.

Shuttle Girl: There's our ship. Ain't she a beaut?
Pike: Whew! No change.
Shuttle Girl: Sir?
Pike: Last time I was off the ship for a while, I came back and it looked 25 percent different.

Spock: I must confess, I still find myself missing my sis--
Pike: Shh!
Spock: Ah yes, those facts are classified. You are right to shush me.
Pike: ...Yes. That's why.

La'an: Hi, I'm a silly namedrop character. Starfleet sent me to be your temporary first officer.
Pike: Really? April was threatening to send my ex-wife. This is much more sustaina--
La'an: Now announce our new mission! Now! DO IT NOW!
Pike: All hands, this is the captain. We're going to go save Number One, who I think we can all agree is truly irreplaceable.

Victim: AAAA! Save us! We -- wait, didn't we do this already?
Future Pike: Not everybody's seen that DSC episode. Now remind me, which side of my face am I supposed to land on here?

Spock: You seem troubled. Perhaps I can help.
Pike: Remember that Klingon planet that was basically a Zelda dungeon? I saw a horrible future for myself ten years from now. Got anything for that?
(pause)
Spock: Until ten years from now, you can safely lead even the most dangerous away missions.
Pike: Huh! Not bad. But that only applies to me, so don't get into a habit and let other captains do it.

Ortegas: We've found the Archer. It's intact, but damaged.
Pike: Yeah, that ship always seems to get beat up. What about the crew?
Spock: Not detected. But I am noticing that this planet is far too primitive to have warp yet.
Pike: Hmmm. -- Wait, if they're that primitive, how are they keeping us from detecting our people?
Spock: That may not be their doing. Sensors indicate a slight breeze.

Torpedoes: POW POW
La'an: Were those even real torpedoes or did they just chuck rocks at us?
Ortegas: Oh, it is ON! *starts throwing rocks at the viewscreen*
Pike: Stop that, Lieutenant.
Ortegas: But... but it's on.

Spock: Uh oh. Sir, it appears the warp drive we detected is actually a warp bomb.
Pike: So... a warp drive?
Spock: No, this is a bomb on purpose. We'd better get our people out of there.
La'an: But how? General Order One says we can't interfere with these aliens!
Pike: Ah, but don't forget the "unless you're sneaky about it" footnote.

Pike: Hey doc, how've you... oh. Hmm. *stares very closely*
M'Benga: What's this about?
Pike: Sorry, I'm just trying to decide if Dr. Boyce got recast too.
M'Benga: Ah! No, I'm Dr. M'Benga. Here in Medical we only got all the non-casting things about us changed.
Pike: Really? All of them?
Nurse Chapel: Trust us, our claim to be ourselves will get more hilarious every week.

Spock: How quickly can you disguise us to visit the planet undetected?
Chapel: Disguise? Pfft. This is a job for mutating your very DNA!
Spock: (blank stare)
Chapel: Who wants to be injected first?
Spock: Captain, I don't want to alarm you, but I think she's serious.
Pike: It's okay, I had a feeling this was coming. Star Trek pilots are required to have at least one weird element that never comes up again.
Chapel: Mutagens for everyone! Whee!
Spock: I want that promise in writing.

Guards: OOF!
La'an: Okay, we've got ID now, but we'll have to move quickly. Our genetic mutations will be wearing off soon.
(BOOOOOOM)
Spock: What was that?
Pike: Huh. I think somewhere out there, Tim Lynch's head just exploded.
La'an: Focus!

M'Benga: So we'll just keep these two sedated annnnd that one's already escaping.
Guard: AAA! Where am I? (runs for the door)
Chapel: Ha ha, this always happens.
M'Benga: Yep. Good times.
Guard: ...Seriously? This is your actual reaction? It's not made up for the parody?
Chapel: Mind your own business and go run loose on our ship.

Uhura: Hey! Over here. Let me distract you with trivia from your planet.
Guard: Sure, that sounds like something I'd be willing to do in this momen-- oof.
Chapel: Thanks, Uhura. I'm just sorry I couldn't get here before he ripped all your hair out.
Uhura: (glare)
Chapel: Hey, I'm going with the charitable explanation here!

M'Benga: (over the comm) Don't try the retinal scanners yet. I need to send Spock a booster shot to --
Pike: No no, it's okay, don't explain.
M'Benga: Why? I'm just clarifying that the booster shot will cause even more severe mutations than the origi-- (SKZZZZT)
Voice: FACT CHECK: All injections are safe and harmless.
Pike: Yeah, that was definitely gonna get flagged. Remind me to get him out of communicator jail later.

Una: You found us! And -- La'an? What are you doing here?
La'an: First things first. What's this I hear about you going by Una now? I thought you were all about the mystique.
Una: Yeah, but it turns out calling yourself Number One all the time eventually just feels braggy.
Pike: (looking back and forth) Is this Riker and Troi? Did you two Riker-and-Troi me?

Guards: Stop! Don't move!
Spock: YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!
(They take out the guards)
Pike: Good distraction, Spock. But wow, does it really hurt that much when your ears get pointy again?
Spock: Every... time...

Una: Chris, I figured out how these people got warp tech. They were close enough to see what we did with Discovery.
Pike: Shh! Or wait, do I even need to shush that? It sounds completely ridiculous.
Una: Sure, but what if it's our story engine? You know, like the Hellmouth. Maybe we'll keep finding planets like this in the area, giving us enough adventures to fill a season.
Pike: Admit it: you just got this idea because the aliens here look exactly like Buffy vampires.
Una: I was so disappointed when I stabbed one and he didn't explode!

Spock: We must correct the damage we have done to this planet by... er...
Pike: Doing something where they could see it, yes, that's the explanation we're actually going with. Spock, come with me to see their leader, everyone else beam up.
La'an: It's too dangerous! How do you know they won't just Area 51 you two?
Pike: Because it would take another half hour of farce to rescue us. There's like 15 minutes left in the episode.

Kiley Leader: Why are you apologizing? You're the reason we have our cool new warp bomb.
Pike: You really couldn't think of anything else to do with that technology, huh?
Kiley Leader: Like what?
Enterprise: (lowers into the atmosphere)
Kiley Leader: FIRE THE WARP BO--
Pike: I wouldn't.

Spock: We have sufficiently impressed/threatened the aliens. They are now holding peace talks to end the civil war we haven't mentioned in the fiver yet.
Pike: Sounds like our work here is... oh. Shoot.
La'an: What's wrong?
Pike: There's still ten minutes. Live by the stopwatch, die by the stopwatch.

Kiley Leader: You again? We're trying to make peace here!
Pike: I'd find that more convincing if your hands weren't around your opponent's throat. I've decided we need to pre-emptively "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield" you people. Lights!
Powerpoint Presentation of 21st Century Earth: (plays)
Kiley Leader: You could have just shown us the nuclear annihilation part. We'd have believed you. Why did you pretend those silly ripped-from-the-headlines clips led up to it?
Pike: Because I want this episode to look utterly ridiculous in ten years. It's been wasting my time and I want revenge.

April: Well, I got the high-ups not to punish you for breaking... er, every rule we have. And they also brought me in on the Discovery thing "because what the hell". Their words.
Pike: You'll need to develop a shush reflex. I'll send you my learn-while-you-sleep tapes.
April: Oh, and we can say "Prime Directive" now, which is nice because I never got why we couldn't say that in the first place.

Pike: So I noticed I don't have a security chief, and I can see where that's pointing. Want a job?
La'an: Yes! I haven't felt this good since I escaped from the stomach-churning body horror of the Gorn! There I was, at the bottom of a pile of --
Pike: Please stop.
La'an: Sir, if we're going to work together, you'll need to be prepared for every conversation we have to go this way.

Captain's Log: (shrug)

Pike: Okay, let's get going, minimum wa--
Sam Kirk: Hi! I'm here! I, Sam Kirk, am the Kirk mentioned earlier!
Pike: Whoa!
Sam Kirk: Gotcha! You thought I was Jim and I'd get left on the station, right?
Pike: No, I thought you were Jim and you were really here. It would've been completely on-brand.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludi-- wait, Warp 2? Come on)

THE END