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Five-Minute "Static"

by Derek Dean

ecurity: CODE 142! We've got to leave! NOW!
Lex: Oh sure. The one time my security does show up is the one time I don't want them to.
Security: Quick! Into the panic room! And try not to panic!
Lex: (WHOOSH!)
Lana: Good grief. No wonder people just walk in here. You guys are completely ineffectual.

Lex: What? Where am I? Computer, end program! Computer?

Chloe: So looks like we have another Zoner in Seattle.
Clark: Then I guess I better --
Chloe: (on phone) Hello? Lana? Lex disappeared? I'm only answering in questions? Goodbye?
Clark: Lex has disappeared? That sucks. Well, I'm off to Seattle.
Chloe: But what about Lex?
Clark: What about Lex? There's no reason I shouldn't go after the Seattle guy. "Needs of the many" and all that.
Chloe: Well, okay, but I'm still going to make it sound like you're making the wrong decision.

Lionel: Lana! Do you know where Lex is?
Lana: Well, he said something about Code 142.
Lionel: GASP!
Lana: What does it mean?
Lionel: I have no idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make a completely innocent phone call.
Lana: Oh yeah, this isn't obvious.

Doctor: You the med student?
Clark: Um, yeah, that's it. The med student. So what happened?
Doctor: Each of these people had their skeletons removed, and -- you're not really a med student, are you?
Clark: Nope. I make no bones about it.

Lana: So I last saw Lex here.
Lex: Lana! I'm here! Can't you see me?
Chloe: Hm. Let me see if I can hack into his computer. E-L-E-M-E-N-T-S. Nope. L-A-N-A. Nope. P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. Nope.
Lex: No, you fools! Who actually has passwords like that? My password is strong and secure!
142: Ha! Now I have my revenge on you!
Lex: Right. Who are you again?

142: Hi, Lana. I'm an insane meter-rock freak with a craaaaaazy story! You can get a credit card for only -- Wait, no, I mean, Lex has a "secret lab" on floor 33.1.
Lana: 33.1? Don't be silly. Secret floors are always half-numbered.
142: I know. That's why it's so clever! No one will ever find it!

Clark: Yep, that's dead body remains all right.
Cop: Better than live body remains.

Lana: So tell me how you kidnapped Lex.
142: I'm a frequency shifter. I can apparently move people into a different frequency which somehow makes them intangible without falling through the floor.
Lana: Yes, I think we've all seen enough sci-fi shows to know how that works.
142: Wait, where's the lab? Maybe I am delusional. Maybe there never really was a lab!
Lana: I think we've all seen enough Smallville to know how this works too.

142: Where is the lab? Where did you move it? Answer me, because I'm insaaaaaane!
Lex: What lab? I'm just an innocent guy you kidnapped.
142: Oh come on. No one believes that.

Jimmy: So check out what I can do with my ham radio equipment and this recording of an earlier scene...
Lana: So I last saw Lex here.
Lex: Lana! I'm here! Get Jimmy to rescue me from here! He's the best!
Chloe: Hm. Let me see if I can hack into his computer. E-L-E-M-E-N-T-S. Nope. J-I-M-M-Y. Nope. P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. Nope.
Lex: No, you fools! Get Jimmy! Jimmy can hack any password. Jimmy is strong and makes me secure!

Jimmy: And despite what you may think, I didn't tamper with this recording in any way either.

Chloe: So his password is Lana's birthdate. How pathetic.
Lionel: As are you, Chloe. I'm here to be a little more on the ambiguously evil side, and a lot more on the aggressive side.
Chloe: But what about Thanksgiving? Didn't we have a wonderful time during Thanksgiving?
Lionel: Like I said, "ambiguously evil."

Lana: Lex, I don't know if you can hear me, but... I'm pregnant. -- He's not even in the room, is he?
142: No, he is. And I'm going to kill you, because I'm craaaaaazy!
Jimmy: Take that, creep!
Lex: Oh thank goodness Jimmy was here. I didn't just say that, did I?

Jimmy: Quick, the guy shifted away with Lana. Now we need to find the frequency to shift them back!
Chloe: You can do that with just this crap? I'm buying a ham radio!

Lex: (PUNCH!)
142: That's going to leave a mark. But at least it means Lex is evil since he killed me.
Lex: What evil? It was self-defense!

Clark: Get ready to fight!
Zoner: I really don't need to. I'm stronger, faster, and -- GAK!
Clark: Well, that was anticlimactic.

Chloe: So I think the crazy guy was right about this being a lab.
Lana: I believe Lex. You just don't know him like I do.
Chloe: What, biblically?

Lionel: You really suck at keeping secrets, son. That's why I had to move your lab.
Lex: Gee, thanks, dad. Now where is it?
Lionel: I'm not telling. It's a secret.

Clark: So I got saved from the bone eater by a cookie eater.
Chloe: Meh. Better Oreos than osteos.
Clark: Lame, Chloe. Really lame.

Lana: So you're cool with me being pregnant?
Lex: Of course I am. At least, until I become an insane megalomaniac and try to take the baby from you, but I'm sure that's far down the line.
Lana: That's good. By the way, I wanted to let you know that I'm cool with a meteor-rock-freak lab. I've been kidnapped by them one too many times. You should capture them, study them, and exploit them.
Lex: You're turning evil! Marry me!
(Lex proposes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 8, 2007.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2007, Derek Dean.