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Five-Minute "Crush"

by Nic Corelli

wan: You know, I see you in a uniform, flying.
Clark: Oo, I had a dream like that! The uniform also had the letter "S" on the chest.
Kwan: Do you know what that means?
Clark: Yes. I will most likely become a steward.

Clark: Umm... Chloe... I... kind of forgot to get us tickets for that journalism conference in Metropolis. Yeah. Sorry about that.
Clark: Hey, why are you getting so angry? It's not like I commited a murder or something!
Chloe: Clark, has anyone ever told you you're an INFURIATING pest?
Clark: Yes, my Mom, all the time, and I don't pay any attention to her either!

Justin: Boo.
Chloe: Justin... of all the high schools, in all the teen shows, you walk into mine.
Justin: Yeah, well, I'm out of the hospital now. My hands are still mangled from the car accident, though.
Chloe: I'm really sorry about that. So how much of your drawing ability do you have left?
Justin: One-twelfth, actually. But that's not as little as you might think.

Lex: Unknown woman, identify yourself and explain your presence on this graveyard!
Pamela: You know very well who I am, Lex. Your good old nanny whom you hate for all the wrong reasons!
Lex: If you're really my nanny, you must know the secret code. What's my favourite animal?
Pamela: Bald eagle. Not because it's bald, but because it tastes great.
Lex: Correct! But I still despise you.

Clark: Chloe, look, Lex gave me two tickets for that conference in Metropolis, so we can go after all.
Chloe: Fascinating, Clark, but I already made plans with Justin. He was man enough to get his own tickets, not borrow them from Lex like some girly boy!
Clark: And what am I supposed to do with these two stupid excess tickets now?
Chloe: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

Lex: For heaven's sake, what are you doing in my house? How did you get past the Uruk-Hais at the front door?
Pamela: Oh Lex, please forgive me! Is there anything I could do, some nice present I could get you, just for you to soften a little?
Lex: I want the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
Pamela: And where exactly am I supposed to find the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?
Lex: I'm guessing Antioch.

Clark: So... I think Chloe likes me... so I'll try to win her over from Justin...
Lana: So... Whitney is finally showing me some attention, and we're going to the theatre...
Clark: Yeah...
Lana: Hmm...

Justin: I brought you a present. It's a portrait of you.
Chloe: Wow, it's beautiful!
Justin: Yeah. Here's looking at you, kid.

Chloe: Smooch!
Justin: Smooch!
Clark: Hey Chloe, hey Justi... Umm, bye Chloe, bye Justin!
Justin: Twerp. I bet he can't make stuff float or draw portraits with telekinetic abilites, like I can.
Chloe: Indeed. Clark Kent is just a dull, regular, nothing-special teenager...

Clark: Chloe, come here, we must talk about Justin.
Chloe: Sorry Clark, don't have time, rushing home to watch Enterprise.
Clark: But this is important!
Chloe: This is too! According to TV Guide, there is a good chance Trip will be in his underwear again, so bye bye!

Kwan: Lalala... Hey! Who's there?
Justin: Its color was black. It spanned approximately two meters in diameter. Its lights were yellow, and it had a powerful, triangular radio antenna.
Kwan: Justin, what are you babbling about?
Justin: When I looked at it, I got paralyzed. Because it was your car, and it hit me. And I cried. And now you'll cry too, cause it'll happen to you!
Kwan: Aaaaaaaaaaaa... GAK!

Clark: Lex, I need advice.
Lex: Girl problem?
Clark: Yes, how did you know?
Lex: Well, you're a girl, and you seem to be having a problem. Heehee. Sorry, I'm a bit distracted, a person I cared for very much returned to my life after many years of me hating her.
Clark: Aw, sorry to hear that, Lex. I hope that you and I will forever be good friends.
Lex: Riiight.

Clark: Well, the thing is, I like two girls, but I can't decide which girl I like more.
Lex: For argument's sake, let's call them Squeekybobo and Chakotay.
Clark: Umm, actually, they're Lana and Chloe. So, what do you think I should do?
Lex: You should find a third girl, that will resemble both Lana and Chloe. Like... Llhoe... Loi... Lois?
Clark: Lois? I could never be with a girl who has a stupid name like LOIS!

Clark: I'm telling you, Chloe, Justin seems very dangerous. I'm sure he had something to do with Principal Kwan's murder. Stay away from him!
Chloe: I will not! Get lost!
Clark: Fine! I was just trying to protect you and you act like this! That's it! I'm retiring to the Treehouse of Solitude!

Justin: Hey Chloe. What are you looking at?
Chloe: Oh nothing, just your (cough, cough) psychotic revenge drawings (cough, cough)... Bye!

Chloe (over the cellphone): Clark, you right, Justin evil and mad, me in your barn, you here ASAP, move, move!
Justin: Weeell... So you decided to betray me... Oh, you will pay... Chloe...
Justin: Wow, you're running so fast... I wonder if this flying chainsaw will slow you down... Chloe...
Justin: This is hardly the time to sing the theme song... Chloe...

Clark: (storms ludicrously inside) Justin, put down the giant chainsaw and step away from her hopefully still alive body.
Justin: I will not. I will kill... Chloe...
Clark: You'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life sentence.
Justin: Mwahahahaha!
Clark: Okay... Time for some Janeway Diplomacy (TM).
Justin: GAK! GAK! GAK! GAK!

Lex: I forgive you.
Pamela: I know.
Lex: I know you're dying and stuff, but could you perhaps cook me an eagle, one last time?
Pamela: I really would, if only we hadn't exterminated all eagles in Kansas. And hawks and falcons.
Lex: Yeah... I was quite a hungry kid. With exquisite taste.

Chloe: Well... if only some of my success in school would spill over to my disastrous love life.
Clark: Quite...
Chloe: Oh for crying out loud, hurry up before I become the Harry Kim of this series and ask me out!
Clark: Yes, ma'am!

Clark: You know, Mom, I asked Chloe out, but I'm still not sure if I like Lana more.
Mom: Well you can't ask Lana out now, on the funeral of her boyfriend's dad.
Clark: Yes, that would be weird... I can't think about that now, I'll go crazy. I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day!
(Clark runs home at Ludicrous Speed)


Next fiver: Tempest


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This fiver was originally published on May 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Nic Corelli.