Five-Minute Romeo and Juliet

by Aragorngirl

Chorus: Since we don't have the internet in Shakespeare's time, I'm here to give you the latest spoiler about Romeo and Juliet: they fall in love and they die! Enjoy the show.

Capulet: I hate you.
Montague: I hate you more!
Capulet: Bite me!
Prince: If this fighting doesn't stop, I'm sending you both to your rooms.
Capulet and Montague: Wah!

Benvolio: What's wrong?
Romeo: None of your beeswax.
Benvolio: Aw, come on.
Romeo: Wait a sec, I'm not done pouting and whining.
Benvolio: You're still in love with Rosaline, aren't you?
Romeo: Maybe.

Capulet: Oh, yeah, my daughter's great.
Paris: So, can I marry her?
Capulet: She's only thirteen, you perv!

Benvolio: No, seriously, crashing a Capulet party will make you feel lots better.
Romeo: Hmmm. . . . okay. Can't hurt.

Lady Capulet: So, Juliet, what do you think about marrying Paris?
Juliet: Umm, I am only thirteen . . .
Nurse: She'll look so pretty in a nice white dress!
Juliet: Hey, wait just a sec!

Mercutio: So, you coming?
Romeo: I'm still not done pouting and whining.

Romeo: Wow, she is FINE!

Romeo: Um, hi.
Juliet: Um, hi.
Romeo: Can I kiss you?
Juliet: Isn't this a little sudden?
Romeo: What if I spout poetry first?
Juliet: Isn't this a little sudden?
Romeo: Shut up and let me, or we won't have a plot.
Juliet: Okay, then.

Romeo: Who is she?
Nurse: Juliet Capulet.
Romeo: Oh, sh-

Juliet: Who is he?
Nurse: Romeo Montague.
Juliet: Oh, sh-
Nurse: Whatever.

Benvolio: Aw, where're you going?
Romeo: Umm, bathroom break. Yes, that sounds good.

Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, Romeo....
Romeo: Hi!
Juliet: Go away, I'm daydreaming. Romeo, Romeo, Romeo....
Romeo: I love you!
Juliet: Isn't this a little sudden?
Romeo: What did I tell you about that?
Juliet: Oh, sorry! I mean, I love you, too!
Romeo: Wanna get married?
Juliet: Isn't this a little sudden?
Romeo: Ah, ah, ah!
Juliet: Sorry.

Romeo: Hey, guess what?
Friar Laurence: Do I want to know?
Romeo: I met a girl last night and I want to marry her.
Friar Laurence: Weren't you in love with someone else yesterday?
Romeo: What's your point?
Friar Laurence: So who is this new person?
Romeo: Juliet Capulet.
Friar Laurence: This could be a plot twist. Okay, then.

Mercutio: Where is Romeo?
Benvolio: If I knew, I'd tell you.
Romeo: Hey, guys!
Mercutio: Where were you? I thought you were going to take a bathroom break.
Romeo: Oooo, um, I could really use a distraction right about now.
Nurse: Hello, young men.
Mercutio: Well, you could stand to lose a little weight.
Nurse: Arrgh! How dare you speak like that to me? Are you Romeo?
Romeo: No, that's me.
Nurse: Well?
Romeo: Well what?
Nurse: Arrgh!
Romeo: Tell her to come to confession.
Nurse: Ooo, whatcha gonna do?

Juliet: Well?
Nurse: Well what?
Juliet: What did he say?
Nurse: What did who say?
Juliet: Arrgh!
Nurse: You're giving me a headache.
Nurse: Oh, him.
Juliet: Well?
Nurse: He said to meet him at Friar Laurence's. Hey, where are you going? Don't I get a back rub?

Friar Laurence: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. Hey, not that long! Break it up now! Hey, no fair frenching! I'm telling!

Benvolio: It is WAY too hot.
Mercutio: Oh, quit your whining.
Tybalt: Do you freaks know where Romeo is?
Mercutio: Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, you can't get me!
Romeo: Hey, brothers!
Tybalt: Jerk! I know it was you who crashed that party last night.
Romeo: I love you.
Tybalt: I dare you to fight me.
Romeo: I don't want to fight you. I love you!
Tybalt: If you forfeit, I win!
Mercutio: I will valiantly fight in his place.
Tybalt: As long as I get to fight, 'sall good.
Mercutio: Owie, owie, owie, owie! Those shots that go through your heart really hurt!
Romeo: You killed my best friend! ARRGH! I have to fight you now.
Tybalt: Owie, hey, he was right! Those shots to the heart really do hurt!
Romeo: What have I done? No, seriously, Ben, I was drunk, I can't remember.

Juliet: La de da! I can't wait til Romeo comes!
Nurse: Romeo just killed Tybalt.
Juliet: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Nurse: Have you been watching "Star Wars" again?
Juliet: How could he do such a thing?
Nurse: Juliet, men are slugs. Get used to it.
Juliet: Oh, well, that's okay. I still like him.

Romeo: So what's the deal?
Friar Laurence: You're banished from Verona.
Romeo: That SO sucks!
Friar Laurence: Beats dying.
Romeo: Not necessarily.
Nurse: Before you go be banished, Juliet wants you to stop by and say goodbye.
Romeo: Yeeha!
Friar Laurence: Oooo, whatcha gonna do?

Capulet: Actually, maybe it would be better if you did marry my daughter.
Paris: Sounds good to me!

Romeo: I gotta go.
Juliet: No, don't go!
Romeo: Okay, I could stay here and get caught and have them kill me....
Juliet: The door's that way.

Lady Capulet: How are you?
Juliet: I, umm, miss Tybalt. Yes, that will do.
Lady Capulet: Getting married to Paris will ease the pain.
Juliet: Um, er, um, no, I don't really think that's a good idea . . .
Capulet: You don't like my idea? You can just deal with it, or I'll disown you!

Friar Laurence: Isn't it a little soon to get married?
Paris: What's your point?
Friar Laurence: Um, look, here comes Juliet!
Paris: Bye, people!
Juliet: Romeo's banished! And mom wants me to marry Paris! And Romeo's banished! And Tybalt's dead! And Romeo's banished! And my father wants to disown me! And Romeo's banished! And....
Friar Laurence: I get the picture.
Juliet: Okay, good. What should I do?
Friar Laurence: Take this potion to make you look dead.
Juliet: Okay.

Capulet: Hmm, yes, twenty cooks, twenty five maids, and a big white poofy dress....
Juliet: Hi, Daddy.
Capulet: You, young lady, are grounded.
Juliet: Okay. La de da, I can't wait to get married to Paris....
Capulet: Ooo, good, let's change the date to tomorrow.

Juliet: It bites having to drink this and not know what's gonna happen. Oh, well, bottom's up.

Nurse: O my gosh, she's dead!
Capulet: This sucks.
Lady Capulet: This bites.
All of them: Wah!

Romeo: I miss Juliet.
Servant: Juliet's dead.
Romeo: Crap!

Apothecary: You know, strictly speaking, I'm not supposed to give you this.
Romeo: Here's some money.
Apothecary: Here you go, sir.

Friar John: Yo yo yo.
Friar Laurence: What did Romeo say?
Friar John: Umm, well, I kinda didn't give him the letter.
Friar Laurence: This could be a problem.

Paris: Man, this bites.
Romeo: Man, this bites.
Paris: Grrrrrr, I'm mad at you! You killed her cousin!
Romeo: Who, me? Fine, you wanna fight? I'm in a bad mood here!
Paris: Argh, you just keep killing people don't you?
Romeo: I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not, so why bother?

Romeo: Man, this bites, having her dead. Goodbye, my love! I'm going to die now.

Friar Laurence: Juliet? Juliet, are you awake? Oh, sh--
Juliet: What? Omigosh, he's DEAD! AUGH!
Friar Laurence: Now, just calm down....
Friar Laurence: You've been watching "Star Wars" again, haven't you?

Juliet: Hey, it's a knife. Goodbye, cruel world.

Friar Laurence: They fell in love and they died.
Montague: I'm sorry, man.
Capulet: Me too. Let's live happily ever after, now that we've gotten rid of those annoying kids.


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This fiver was originally published on March 25, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2001, Aragorngirl.