Five-Minute A Midsummer Night's Dream

by Aragorngirl

Theseus: I can't wait til we get married!
Hippolyta: Try.
Theseus: Okay.

Egeus: I want to kill my daughter.
Theseus: Why?
Egeus: She won't marry Demetrius.
Theseus: Oh, all right then.
Hermia: Crap.

Lysander: It'll be okay, Hermia. We'll run away.
Hermia: Fine by me.
Helena: I wish I was pretty like you! Then maybe Demetrius would like me!
Hermia: Sorry. It's okay though, I'm going to run away with Lysander. Don't tell anybody, though.
Helena: Okay, I'll only tell Demetrius.

Quince: Is everybody here?
Everybody: Yep.
Quince: Great. Okay, we're going to do the play "Pyramus and Thisbe" because Shakespeare wants to advertise for his new play, "Romeo and Juliet."
Everybody: Okay.
Quince: Bottom, you get the male lead.
Bottom: No! That's not good enough! I want a better part! Don't you like me?
Quince: Deal with it. Flute, you get the female lead.
Flute: But I'm not a girl.
Quince: Deal with it.
Bottom: I'll do it!
Quince: No, you won't.
Bottom: Aw, crap.
Quince: Okay, everybody else will do other stuff.
Everybody: Okay.
Bottom: I could do the other stuff, too!
Quince: No, you can't.
Bottom: Aw, crap.

Fairy: La de da.
Puck: Boo!
Fairy: Eeek! Hey, I know you! You're Puck.
Puck: Duh.
Fairy: Uh oh, here comes Titania.
Puck: Uh oh, here comes Oberon.

Oberon: Oh, it's you.
Titania: Oh, it's you. I'm leaving.
Oberon: Not so fast. I'd like you to know, I'm not speaking to you.
Titania: Oh. What a loss.
Oberon: If you give me a present, I'll speak to you again.
Titania: Forget it.
Oberon: Fine. You can just leave.

Oberon: Oooo, I'm so mad. I'm gonna do something bad to her.
Puck: Cool.
Oberon: Bring me a flower. A purple one.
Puck: Be right back.

Helena: Do you like me?
Demetrius: No, I hate you.
Helena: Okay, how about now?
Demetrius: I still hate you. Go away.
Helena: Okay. You know, if I weren't in love with you, I'd be really mad that you're treating me this way.
Demetrius: Go AWAY!

Puck: I'm back!
Oberon: Great. I'll take that one, you take this one. I'll go mess with Titania while you move one of the other plot threads along.
Puck: What should I do?
Oberon: Put some love juice on the wrong Athenian's eyes.
Puck: Why?
Oberon: Why not?

Titania: Time to go to bed, even though my powerful and dangerous husband is mad at me and my fairies are lousy guards.
Fairies: Okay. Goodnight.

Oberon: Hah! Take that! I hope you fall in love with a snail!

Lysander: I don't know how to tell you this, but we're lost.
Hermia: You stink. Let's randomly go to bed out in the middle of the forest to advance the plot.

Puck: Hey, an Athenian! Here you go, lover boy!

Demetrius: I still hate you.
Helena: Just for that, I'll leave.
Demetrius: Fine by me.
Helena: Fine. Lysander! Demetrius doesn't like me!
Lysander: That's okay. I do.
Helena: No, you don't. You like Hermia.
Lysander: No, I like you.
Helena: Eeek!

Hermia: Where is everybody?

Quince: Is everybody here?
Everybody: Yep.
Quince: Okay, let's rehearse.

Puck: Ooooo.

BottomDonkey: Hey, where did everybody go?
Titania: Wow. You're hot.
BottomDonkey: Thanks.

Puck: She's in love with a donkey!
Oberon: Cool!

Demetrius: Do you like me yet?
Hermia: No. Go away.

Oberon: You did it wrong!
Puck: I know, I'm sorry and all, but isn't this hilarious?
Oberon: Go fix it.
Puck: Oh, fine, be that way.

Lysander: I love you!
Helena: Go away!
Demetrius: I love you more than he does!
Helena: Eeek!
Hermia: Augh! You stole my guy!
Helena: Payback time.

Oberon: Fix it.
Puck: Aw, man.

Titania: I love you.
BottomDonkey: Thanks.

Oberon: Y'know, I'm starting to feel sorry for her. I guess I'll fix it.

Titania: Oberon? What happened? Tell me so I can forget I'm mad at you for playing a nasty, misogynistic trick on me.

Theseus: My hounds are pretty cool, you know.
Hippolyta: Wow, you know what? I like hounds, too!
Egeus: Augh! My daughter's asleep on the ground next to a guy!
Theseus: Let's wake them up.
Lovers: We don't know what happened.
Demetrius: By the way, I'm in love with Helena now.
Egeus: Crap!
Theseus: C'mon, let's go get married.

Bottom: Wow, that was some dream!

Mechanicals: Wah! We miss Bottom!
Bottom: Here I am.
Mechanicals: Yay!

Theseus: So, you guys wanna watch a movie or something before bed?
Everybody: Sure.
Theseus: How 'bout "Pyramus and Thisbe"?
Philostrate: Um, sir? I've seen that. It sucks.
Theseus: I don't believe you. You're just a stupid servant. Just for that I want to watch that one.
Philostrate: Okay, suit yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Hippolyta: Oh, well. If it's too bad, we can make snide comments throughout to ease the boredom.
Theseus: Exactly. It's the Shakespearian equivalent of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Quince: Crap, I hope I don't screw up! Wait a sec, I just did.
Bottom: That's okay. I'll cover for you by overacting very badly.
Theseus: This play sucks.
Lion: Grrrrrr.
Thisbe: Eeeek.
Theseus: Groan.
Pyramus: I'm going to kill myself!
Hippolyta: Finally.
Thisbe: I will too!
Demetrius: Finally.
Theseus: Ah, good, they're all dead. Bedtime.

Oberon: Bless this house.

Puck: Hope you liked the play . . . if not, fake it, cause fairies really love applause. Remember the whole Tinker Bell deal? It's that kind of thing. Please clap. Thanks.


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This fiver was originally published on March 25, 2001.

UN-DISCLAIMER: Nothing here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures, and Will Shakespeare is long dead. Ergo, no disclaimers are necessary. In their faces.

All material © 2001, Aragorngirl.