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Five-Minute "Old Wounds"

by Zeke

Mercer: Oh boy, my own Star Trek-like show! I hope it starts with a big action scene!
(Enters his bedroom)
Mercer: Wrong kind of action!
Kelly: It, uh... it wasn't me.

(One year later)
Halsey: You're the worst. Just the absolute worst. Completely terrible. Wanna be a captain?
Mercer: Huh? Why?
Halsey: We're short-staffed like you wouldn't believe. In fact, we don't have a pilot for you yet either.
Mercer: Oh, that works out great. I know a guy.
Halsey: If you mean who I think you mean --
Mercer: It's okay! They let him out of that New Zealand prison.

Gordon: This is amazing, Ed! But before I can get a new job, I'll need to kill this holographic enemy.
Enemy: GAK!
Mercer: Why would... oh, because you needed experience.
Gordon: You know me so well.

Mercer: There's the Orville. Ain't she a beaut?
Gordon: I dunno, it looks kinda like a giant slipper. -- Oops.
Shuttle: SCRAPE
Mercer: Great, you scratched the paint!
Gordon: Why do I feel like we should be wearing baseball caps?

Mercer: So you're from a high-gravity planet, eh?
Alara: Yep! That's strictly beneficial, no lurking downsides.
Mercer: And you're from a male-only species?
Bortus: Yes. It is humorous and will not be a fuel for serious morality tales.
Mercer: And you're a visitor from a robot race that hates organic life?
Isaac: Indeed. You can expect many contemptuous remarks and no more.
Mercer: ...Well, you're all welcome aboard, but try to at least be ominous in separate scenes from now on.

Gordon: Howdy, roommate! Wanna be this show's version of Bashir and O'Brien?
LaMarr: You know what they say about those two, right?
Gordon: Nah, you're thinking of Paris and Kim.

Halsey: Sorry, no luck finding a first officer. You'll have to leave without one.
Mercer: Oo, I had an idea about that! I'll see if I can get into a dangerous situation with a bunch of criminals, something where we have to work together to survive, and I'll make their leader my first officer. Oh, we'll have trouble getting along at first, but over time --
Halsey: Yes yes, fine. Whatever gets you off my station faster.

Mercer: Activate the quantum drive!
Gordon: Awww, I was hoping our version of warp would have "slip" in the name.
Mercer: Are you still on that slipper thing?
Gordon: Don't tell me you don't see it!

LaMarr: So we're bringing supplies to that research outpost on Epsilon 2, huh? Sounds boring.
Mercer: Yeah, but I'll see if we can swing by Epsilon 3 on the way back. They have a pretty great machine there.
Alara: Uh, Captain, Admiral Halsey just sent orders about picking up a first officer and said to send them directly to your console. He also said to translate them into Pig Latin and have the console whisper them in your ear while playing calming ocean music, but I don't think I'll do those parts.
Mercer: Okay, let's se-- *screams and runs out of the room*
Bortus: (glaring at Alara) This is why we follow orders.

Mercer: *runs through Yaphit* Gah! You okay?
Yaphit: No worries.
Mercer: Good. We'd all really hate it if anything happened to you.

Halsey: (over the comm) That was fast. Time clearly hasn't dulled your Pig Latin skills.
Mercer: You can NOT be making me work with my ex-wife!
Halsey: Look on the bright side! Having a second-in-command named Grayson gives you something in common with Batman!
Halsey: No good, huh?
Mercer: No. But you tried very hard, and I respect that.

LaMarr: So wait, they seriously assigned the captain's ex to this ship? An actual military did this?
Gordon: I bet her current post begged them to transfer her. She's the WORST, you guys.
Alara: You're his best friend, you have to say that.
Gordon: Oh, it goes way beyond that. I promise you, nobody who so much as looks like me could ever stand her.

Mercer: How am I supposed to work with you? You broke my heart! I was a good family guy!
Kelly: I think I see where this is going.
Mercer: We would've had kids someday! I would've been an American dad!
Kelly: Are you done?
Mercer: And maybe we would've moved to Cleve--
Kelly: Nope. Too dumb. I'm cancelling that one.

Gordon: Hey there. I told the crew good things about you.
Kelly: Uh huh. Am I Jezebel or the Sea-Hag this time?
Gordon: What, dontcha like surprises?

Dr. Aronov: (on the viewer) Welcome! Come on down and see the cool research we're doing! QUICKLY.
Mercer: What about the suppli-- hey, I know you! You're that guy who plays every middle-aged Indian man on TV!
Aronov: It's more like 50/50 with Iqbal Theba, but thanks for saying. Now get down here!

Mercer: So what gives?
Aronov: We need protection. We just invented something so great that the Krill will definitely come steal it if they find out.
Mercer: Yeahhhh, we probably shouldn't keep our research bases so close to their space.
Aronov: Come along, I'll show you. But first! Why not learn about some of our other fine products? For instance, face it, you're spending way too much on your gas bill...
Kelly: (Is this a planet or a podcast?)

Aronov: ...and finally, we have these redwood seeds that can grow in any environment. They have DNA from tardigrades, which can survive in any environment, and that was apparently close enough.
Mercer: Wow, tardigrades sound amazing! I wonder if they could even steer a starship?
Aronov: I will thank you not to mock our serious discovery.

Device: *ages a banana 100 years*
Kelly: Ohhh, you invented the thing from "Timescape".
Aronov: Exactly! The Krill are sure to come for it! That episode was far too cool for them to ignore!
Mercer: Hang on, I'll get help. Mercer to Orville --
Lab Tech: Stop! Nobody move!
Aronov: I'm sorry to find out you're a spy, but I'm glad you stopped him from doing the thing we went to such lengths not to do in the first place.

Bortus: (over the comm) Captain, a Krill ship just arrived.
Lab Tech: Tell him not to worry about them!
Mercer: Hey doc, can the device be used to skip to the end of this goofy scene?
Alara: HI-YAH! *knocks out lab tech*
Mercer: Oh good, never mind.

Bortus: We must hold off the Krill until the away team returns!
LaMarr: At least we can put up the shields. No transporters to worry about blocking.
Gordon: Is it just me, or is "Krill" a dumb name for aliens we're supposed to be afraid of? Names should be appropriate and meaningful!
Isaac: I, robot, have no comment on this.

Kelly: Hurry! They've almost caught up!
Mercer: I just can't get this door open! It's so tightly closed, like a jar -- a jar of --
(long pause)
Alara: Sir?
Mercer: Alara, I just thought of the greatest joke in history and I am going to make it every chance I get for the rest of my life.

Gordon: I can buy us time! Check out this thing I can do!
Orville: *does loops through the gaps in the Krill ship*
LaMarr: Awesome! But can you keep it up without slipping? Eh? Eh?
Gordon: Hey, my running gag! Nice! But no, the real question is how long till they move slightly and we die.

Mercer: Everybody aboard? Let's get back to the ship!
Krill Soldier: Not so fast, huma-- GAK!
Kelly: How'd you know we had a stowaway?
Mercer: I didn't, he killed everybody the first time. But then I used the Omega 13.

Bortus: (over the comm) We will be destroyed if we stop moving to let you aboard, Captain.
Mercer: There's just one chance. We'll have to Final-Frontier this!
Kelly: Really, Ed? Two movie references in two scenes?
Mercer: You should really save your complaints for the plan itself. This crash isn't going to look even a little survivable.

Krill Captain: (on the viewer) Give us the device!
Mercer: Can we do a bit of farce first?
Krill Captain: Oh, fine.

Krill Captain: Now give us the device!
Mercer: I'm still working on my plan. Can we do a bit more --
Isaac: They are firing, sir.
Mercer: ...Yeah, I would too. Wait! I've got it! We'll send them the device with one of those Chekhov's redwood seeds from earlier!
Gordon: Uh, Captain --
Mercer: Not now! Come on, Kelly, give me a hand!

Mercer: (gluing the seed down) This is brilliant! A tree will instantly grow and trash their whole ship!
Kelly: Uh, Ed --
Mercer: Not now! Let's send it off!

Mercer: Okay! They've got the device! Here come the fireworks!
(long pause)
Mercer: Why isn't there a giant tree?
Alara: We've been trying to tell you, sir. It's just going to get big enough to break the device, then stop.
(long pause)
Mercer: But they're distracted by that, right?
Gordon: Probably.
Mercer: Then get us out of here. And if anyone asks me what happened, I'm still gonna tell them the giant tree version.

Kelly: So do you still want me to transfer?
Mercer: Nah, I can recognize a series setup when I see one. I guess we'll just have to be mature and work together as friends.
Kelly: ...We're about to learn all the reasons Janeway could never have risked dating Chakotay, aren't we?
Mercer: Hey, we may not be the most ill-judged pairing on board for long. I'm pretty sure I caught Dr. Finn making eyes at the robot.

Kelly: And you didn't tell him, right?
Halsey: Don't worry, he'll never know you only took the job because Marvel's Most Wanted fell through.
Kelly: Thanks. And you won't regret promoting Ed -- he could be a legend tomorrow.
Halsey: I'll be the judge of that. Now then, shall we end this series pilot on some dramatic line or awe-inspiring exterior shot or sweeping musical cue?
Kelly: Nah, let's just stop.
(The episode just stops at Ludicrous Speed)