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Five-Minute "Violations"

by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: We are transporting a group of Ullians, a race of psychos.
Data: That's psychics, sir.
Picard: Don't interrupt.

Data: I don't get memory. The only way I'd forget anything at all would be if someone removed my memory engrams.
Geordi: Unfortunately, human memory doesn't work like that. Commander Riker, for example, can still remember things even with no brain at all.

Inad: We are compiling a list of races' memories to put in our Great Library in Ullandria.
Picard: How very interesting! What a noble and laudable goal you have established.
Tarmin: Would you like your sociological and anthropological distinctiveness added to our own?
Picard: Get off my ship.

Tarmin: Mr. Worf, would you like Jev to probe your mind?
Worf: Klingons do not have their minds probed.
Tarmin: Hm, Jev can't get to the core of a resistant person's memories. I'd better do it myself as an errand of mercy.
Jev: Grrr.

Riker: Would you like to play poker? And of course by "play poker" I mean "have sex".
Troi: No.
Jev: Aw, come on.

Crusher: Deanna's unconscious.
Picard: Oh, is that why she's lying there unmoving?
Crusher: Shuddup.

Riker: Jev, can I talk to you for a moment?
Jev: What? It's not like I mind-raped Deanna and left her in a coma.
Riker: I wasn't suggesting --
Jev: Besides, she had it coming.

Riker: Close the blast doors!
Nameless Ensign 1: But Nameless Ensign 2 is trapped back there!
Riker: Of all the necks on this ship, Ensign, the one you should be worried about is your own.
Jev: Have I mentioned how much I dislike you?

Picard: (over the comm) Riker, this is the Voice of God. Thou shalt shave thy head, so thou wilt be as bald as thy captain. Do you understand?
Picard: Riker! Do you understand?
Picard: Drat. He's already asleep. Worf, go wake him up so we can do it right.

Doctor's Log: Turns out Riker was actually in a coma, which, granted, isn't that much of a change.

Picard: We think you may be responsible for the unexplained comas.
Tarmin: Oh I see, blame the strange new aliens you have on board this week. How original.
Picard: Hey, we don't always do that. Sometimes we blame things on random pseudo-scientific phemonena.

Computer: What are you doing, Geordi?
Geordi: I'm trying to find any pseudo-scientific causes for the comas.
Computer: Geez, where have you been? It's obviously the Ullians.
Geordi: Come on. You don't know that.
Computer: What do you mean? I'm the computer! I know everything!

Crusher: Thanks for coming with me to see Jack's body. How exactly did he die?
Picard: Er, it's probably best not to dwell on that.
Crusher: Oh. Okay. Hey, since when did you have hair?
Jev: I've always had hair.

Geordi: So I just had a long chat with the computer about what could be causing the comas.
Data: Did the computer tell you my idea about it being the Ullians?

Picard: So since we can't find out why people are going into comas, we've decided to execute all of you.
Jev: Woah, wait, can't we prove our innocence?
Picard: Well, I don't know. Worf's been sharpening his knives all morning.
Jev: Please? Can't I probe Counselor Troi first?
Picard: Er, what do you mean by probe?
Jev: The normal meaning.

Riker: Would you like to play poker? And of course by "play poker" --
Troi: Answer's still no.
Shinzon: Aw, come -- Wait...
Reman Viceroy: No...
Tarmin: There we go. Now -- Aw, come on.

Jev: I want you to know how sorry I am for everything my father did and throw myself at your mercy.
Picard: Don't worry, we don't visit the sins of the father on the son in the Federation.
Jev: In my culture, I visit the sins of the son on the father.

Jev: Would you like to play poker? And by --
Troi: For the last time, no! Wait a minute, you're Jev!
Jev: So is that still a no?

Jev: I guess so.

Tarmin: Sorry about Jev. I thought he was just addicted to porn.
Picard: It's okay. No harm done.
Riker: TWITCH.
Crusher: TWITCH.
Picard: And now a speech. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands, but we can stop it. We can....
(Picard goes on speechifying at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.