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Five-Minute "Time's Arrow I"

by Zeke

Captain's Log: The Enterprise has received an emergency summons to Earth. We're not overly concerned -- from here in orbit, Florida looks fine.

Picard: Your evidence that aliens were in California in the 1800s is all well and good, but why is it worth this specific ship's time? We're very important.
Scientist: Just you wait. And when you're done waiting, take a look at this.
Picard: Mon Dieu! Data, is... is that....
Data: Fascinating. I am certain I did not leave my head in San Francisco.

Riker: How can you take this with such a cool head, Data? If it were me, I'd be beside myself!
Data: Perhaps we will have a second chance to observe that, Commander. But for now we must discover why I died in Earth's past.
Geordi: Hmm... the scans from that cave have a technobabbly connection to some caves on Devidia II.
Picard: Set a course! Whoever is responsible for Data's decapitation, this is our chance to head them off!

Data: Do not be upset, Geordi. It is a relief to me to know that I am mortal.
Geordi: What, just because you don't want to outlive your friends? You'll always have Commander Riker -- he plans to live forever.
Data: I was not aware of that. Perhaps I should ask to be killed.
Geordi: We'd never go along with that!
Data: You might if I were to nag you about it for long enough.

Geordi: Poor Data. I think finding his head is making him lose his marbles.
Guinan: (GASP) Did you say Data's head?
Geordi: Not in that order, but --
Guinan: It's started! We've entered the loop!
Geordi: ...You didn't find your head recently, did you?

Riker: We can't let this happen! We have to find a way to keep Data's head and body together!
Troi: We could "accidentally" beam them into an enclosed space for a while, forcing them to work out their differences.
Riker: It's just crazy enough to work! And then more crazy, so no.
Troi: Well, let's save that idea to use on Beverly and the captain, then.

Picard: We've arrived, Number One. Get an away team down there.
Riker: Aye, sir. Everybody whose name doesn't rhyme with "beta," you're with me.
Data: May I employ Dr. Pulaski's preferred pronunciation in this --
Riker: Sit down, dead android walking.

Data: Sir, my death may not occur for many years.
Picard: And if we alter our way of life because of it, the terrorists win, right? I won't take that chance. You can be just as helpful on the bridge.
Data: Bridge: command deck, operations centre, troubled-water overpass....
Picard: Nice try. You're staying.

Riker: No sign of aliens so far, sir. We'll -- are you all right, Deanna?
Troi: I... I sense... humans!
Riker: (eyeroll) Yes, Deanna, there are humans. There's a Klingon and a part-Betazoid too.
Troi: I also sense hatred. Of you. By me.
Worf: Whoa! Even I sensed that.

Geordi: Ahh, there are life signs here. They're just out of phase with us.
Riker: I guess you're the man for the job, then. Should I get Ensign Ro too?
Geordi: Different kind of phase. We're occupying the same space, just at different times.
Worf: Big deal. Oh, look! I'm standing where you were standing 20 seconds ago! I must be out of phase! Wooooo!
Riker: (pout) I wanted to get Ensign Ro.

Geordi: Anyway, the point is we can't see these aliens without a phase discriminator. And none of the ones on the ship are sensitive enough....
Data: (over the comm) You are mistaken, Geordi. The one in my positronic net would suffice.
Riker: Whoa. I mean, just -- whoa. Could we even have made up a sillier reason for Data to have to beam down?
Picard: Truth is stranger than fiction, Number One.

Data: When I go out of phase, you will not be able to see or contact me, but I will be able to speak to you through my communicator.
Riker: Tell us everything, Data. Don't leave out one bit of information!
Data: (over the comm) I am now able to see the -- WHOOAAAA!
(total silence)
Troi: That was informative.

Data: Fascinating. I have somehow been transported to 1893 San Francisco. I must devise a suitable cover story for my appearance.
Beggar: Brother, can you spare a dime?
Data: I am afraid I possess no currency. I am a ghost.
Beggar: Izzat so? (POW)
Data: Perhaps a different cover story next time.

Bellboy: Care for a room, mister? Our hotel is very accomodatin'. Verrrrrry accomodatin'.
Data: I am afraid I possess no currency. My wallet was caught in a mechanical ricepicker. Do you know of anywhere I could acquire some?
Bellboy: As a matter of fact, we happen to run the oldest established permanent floating poker game in 'Frisco. You acquainted with the game?
Data: I have some small experience with it....

Data: Five of a kind. I believe my winnings are now sufficient. Thank you, gentlemen.
Card Shark 1: How the... how did...
Card Shark 2: Man's got a poker face like it was cast in iron.
Card Shark 1: But we were playing with nothing wild!
Card Shark 3: He's THAT good.

Bellboy: Here's your room, mister. I'll just be over here obnoxiously waiting for a tip.
Data: If you desire some of my money, perhaps you could go and purchase certain items for me.
Bellboy: Oh, certain items, eh? You betcha. We're verrrrry accomodatin' here.
Data: Your left eye appears to be oscillating. Is this normal?
Bellboy: ...Just make me a list.

Beggar: Don't you remember? I'm your pal!
Suspicious Couple: (to snake cane) Eat his soul.
Beggar: Uh... okay, that was presumptuous. Casual acquaintance maybe? -- GAK!

Picard: All right, I know we're all concerned about Commander Data....
Riker: We've got to get him back! He's worth fifty Dr. Crushers!
Picard: ....but for now we must focus on the alien threat. Mr. La Forge, what are our options?
Geordi: I think I can modify --
Picard: Good enough. Meeting dismissed.
Crusher: Jean-Luc, would you mind signing this death certificate for Will? I'll need it in a minute.

Guinan: You have to go on this away mission, or we'll never have met.
Picard: But I can't. It's against the rules. And with each rule broken, each boundary transgressed, each --
Guinan: You know, maybe I'd have been better off.

Bellboy: OOF! Here's... your... anvil....
Data: Thank you. (lifts it easily)
Bellboy: Heyyy, that's impossible! I know what your real secret is now! The pale skin, the strength, the lack of a need for food... you're a vampire!
Data: -- Yes. I am known as Spiner, due to my fondness for impaling victims with porcupine spines.
Bellboy: That is so cool.

Paperboy: Wuxtry, wuxtry! Read all about it!
Data: Curious... the woman in that picture appears identical to Guinan!
Paperboy: Whoopee.

Riker: Captain! What are you doing here?
Picard: I'll be leading the mission. Mr. Worf, return to the ship.
Worf: You expect me to leave you unprotected?
Picard: Think of it as leaving Riker unprotected.
Worf: One to beam up.

Samuel Clemens: And in conclusion, them uppity geocentrists need a hefty dose of secular cynicism.
Guinan: Well argued, Mr. Clemens. Someday you should try your hand against an opponent who's actually in the room.
Clemens: I have tried, Madam Goldberg, but such opponents tend to insist on getting a word in.
Data: Guinan! It is me. Your friend Data, whom you know.
Guinan: Huh?
Data: We serve on a starship together.
Guinan: Whoa. Uh, would you folks excuse me for a minute? This is my nephew, um, Rube... he tends to hit the sauce.

Geordi: Phasing in 3... 2... 1...
Picard: Well?
Geordi: Aren't we all going to say something like "Go Go Tachyon Phase"?

Guinan: Starship, huh? Did my never-again-to-be-mentioned father send you?
Data: It seems I have misunderstood. You must be the past self of the Guinan I know -- I am from your future.
Guinan: Time travel? That's impossible!
Data: In my time, the opposite has been demonstrated. Even the Vulcan Science Directorate finally conceded the point when a disgruntled Starfleet captain arranged for their headquarters to be brought into the 653rd century for --
Clemens: Will you quit going off on tangents? How am I supposed to get any good eavesdropping done this way?

Troi: Good Lord! Look at all these aliens eating human souls!
Crusher: We have to stop them... but how?
Picard: Well, our first step is obvious. Don't you see that stairway to nowhere?
Riker: It's probably just for show. And it does, you know, lead nowhere.
Picard: I didn't make captain by listening to things like that. Onwards!


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This fiver was originally published on September 8, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.