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Five-Minute "The Outcast"

by Wade the Sane Commodore

Captain's Log: We've been called to look for a missing shuttlecraft by the J'naii. Like the Federation flagship has nothing better to do than to look for a missing shuttlecraft.

Picard: On screen, Mr. Data.
J'naii: On screen? Why didn't WE think of that?
Worf: There is nothing out there.
Troi: I sense there is something missing.
Picard: Does anyone else have something to add?
La Forge: (over the comm) I'm giving up on shaving, Captain.
Riker: Maybe we could, um, scan for it?
Picard: Hmm....

J'naii: So our shuttle's in a... black hole?
Riker: No no no, nothing like that... well, yes.
J'naii: I guess it's a good thing we've never stumbled across this in any of our many warp flights, considering this non-black hole is right next to our planet.
Riker: Right. No plot hole whatsoever.

Soren: Commander, tell me about your sexual organs.
Riker: My WHAT?
Soren: In my species, we don't have any specialized organs like your genders do.
Riker: So you don't have a basis for comparison?
Soren: That would be correct.
Riker: Well, let me tell you....

La Forge: Got the bungee cord all hooked up Commander, you're ready to go.
Riker: Geordi, do you have a... a BEARD?
La Forge: Relax, Commander -- I'm just borrowing a page from Lieutenant Commander Argyle.
Riker: Who?
La Forge: One of our here today, gone tomorrow chengs.
Riker: I remember Argyle from such episodes as "Where No Man Has Gone Before" and "Datalore." Anyways, there can only be one bearded officer on the Enterprise at a time. Regs.
La Forge: So if you were to be, I dunno, killed, when your shuttle's engine wanked out, I could grow my beard.
Riker: That's exactly what I'm saying.
La Forge: Have a nice flight, Commander. (cackling evilly)

Soren: Oh no! The shuttle's engine wanked out! We'll be killed!
Riker: And Geordi will be the bearded one on the Enterprise? NO!
(Riker pulls off fancy flying move)
Soren: Oh Will, my burly beardy hero....
Riker: Oh Soren, my anatomically neutral sheet warmer....

Data: Sob....
Worf: What is wrong, Commander?
Data: I do not have any lines in this episode. I am useless. Useless: unneeded, ineffectual, wasted. Wasted: spoiled, shattered....
Worf: If you were any other man I would kill you where you stand!

Riker: Soren, have we a lock on the J'naii shuttle's crew yet?
Soren: Yes, they are aboard now.
Riker: Well it looks like this shuttle's had it. We'll all have to beam over to the Enterprise. Transporter: me, Soren, and two J'naii crewmen to beam out. Wait, they might take offense to being lumped into "crewmen." What about crewpersons? Or maybe --
Computer: Hull breach in five, four, three....
Soren: Oh, just energize all ready!

Krite: Soren is spending too much time with Riker. I am concerned she is losing her neutrality. I regretfully suggest we need to treat her.
Noor: She? She! It is an it, and it deserves no consideration whatsoever.
Brent: Your toast is ready, magistrate.
Noor: Thank you, Brent. Now go back to your corner.
Brent: But I want to go out and learn, to become more than --
Noor: That's nice. Now go back to your corner.

Noor: What do you have to say in your defense before we pass summary judgment?
Soren: We are as you are! We work only when we're watched, like you work only when you're watched. We steal like you steal. We scam, no different than you do. I am not an animal, I am a human being! Oh wait, um, crap. I'm getting brainwashed for sure now, aren't I?
Noor: Uh huh.

Picard: Maybe I can go down there and speechify on Soren's behalf.
Riker: No good. She speechified and they didn't listen.
Picard: They resisted speechifing? Those monsters!
Riker: Well I'm going down there to do something or whatever.
Picard: But you'll be in violation of the Prime Directive.
Riker: Doesn't that just apply to pre-warp cultures?
Picard: Will, please, I think I know a little about the Prime Directive.

Worf: Here is the crew manifest, Commander. Same number of redshirts as before.
Riker: Fine-whatever-get-out.
Worf: Did you not hear me Commander? The same number of redshirts! The episode is almost over!
Riker: I guess it's too late to do anything about it. Let's beam down.

Riker: Rescue party for one, calling Soren.
Soren: I am not in need of rescue. Action unnecessary. Unnecessary: unneeded, pointless....
Riker: You seem different. More robotic. I can deal with that.
Soren: This unit is not made of sugar or spice.
Riker: GASP!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Wade A. Heath.