Five-Minute "The Most Toys"

by Kira

Varria: Sir, if you'll just put your thumbprint on this PADD which is not, of course, booby trapped.
Data: Certainly.
(ZAP!)

Shuttle: BOOOOOOM!
Picard: Aw, nuts. Number One, what's the warranty on Data?
Riker: It expired last month, sir.
Picard: Drat. Order us a replacement android immediately. And this time, get the extended warranty with shuttle coverage.

Fajo: Congratulations, you've been selected to join my cool collection of stuff! I've got some guy's baseball card, an extinct slug, and a draft version of the script for "Star Trek V" that didn't suck.
Data: Ooooo!

La Forge: Time for us to emotionally go through Data's quarters.
Wesley: There's some naked pictures of Tasha under the bed.
La Forge: What? How do you know that?
Wesley: Uh…I plead the fifth.

Fajo: Here, wear these clothes.
Data: But these pants make me look fat.
Fajo: All the cool androids are doing it.
Data: Give me those.

Troi: So, Worf…you've been promoted twice because of accidents that killed superior officers.
Worf: Are you implying something?
Troi: Nope, just stating the obvious as usual.
Worf: Good. I wonder if I can arrange to go on a dangerous away mission with Commander Riker….

La Forge: You know what I realized? With Data gone, I'll actually look intelligent.
Wesley: But now who will offer a commentary on humanity?
La Forge: Uh…aw, crap. We'd better find something to shed suspicion on his death.
Wesley: Now who looks intelligent?
La Forge: Shut up.

Toff: What's so great about this new statue of yours?
Fajo: It's not a statue, it's a one-of-a-kind android -- watch this. Hello, Data.
(Data fails to react)
Toff: Pfft. He's not one-of-a-kind. I've got Robert Beltran in my collection and he does the same thing.

Picard: Data, there's something different about you today….
Worf: Data's gone, sir. Remember?
Picard: Oh…right. When's that replacement android getting here?
Riker: For the last time, sir, there are no replacement androids.
Picard: What? Damn.

Riker: Come on, Worf, we're going on an away mission to investigate this natural disaster.
Worf: A dangerous away mission?

Fajo: Sit in that chair or I'll shoot poor Varria here.
Data: I'd still rather not.
Fajo: But just think how guilty you'll feel if she dies.
Data: I do not have any feelings.
Fajo: Less pointing out plot holes, more sitting.

Picard: What makes you think this disaster was actually sabotage?
Riker: Our tricorders said so. And I almost got hit by this falling boulder.
Worf: I'm sure that was just an accident.
Crusher: And there was this sign that said "Suckers! I got your android!"
Picard: Hmm….

Data: Here, sign this contract saying you'll help me escape. Don't mind that expendable character clause about a horrible, agonizing death.
Varria: I just sign next to the "x"?

Varria: AAAAAAAA!
Data: Mind if I borrow your gun?
Varria: I'm dead, you moron. I was just vaporized.
Data: In that case, I guess you won't mind.

Fajo: What the -- You're going to shoot me? Don't you have ethical subroutines or something?
Data: Let's find out.
Transporter: Let's not.

Riker: Hey! Watch where you're pointing that weapon, Data! You almost shot me.
Data: Almost? Rats. There goes my promotion.
Worf: There goes my fast track to the Captain's chair.
La Forge: There goes my intelligence.
Picard: There goes my android…no, wait a minute….
(The Enterprise sails off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Links:

• Trek Nation guide page
• Printable version

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