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Five-Minute "The First Duty"

by Kira

Captain's Log: ...Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before....
Data: We should arrive at Earth in just over ten hours, Captain.
Picard: Mr. Data, you're ruining the mood.

Admiral Brand: Brace yourself, Jean-Luc. Wesley was in an accident and....
Picard: NOOOOOO! (sniff) He was like a son to me....
Brand: Relax, he's safe. I was going to say, "and he's getting a character development episode."
Picard: NOOOOOO!

Brand: We'll be holding a board of inquiry to examine what happened.
Crusher: (aside to Picard) I hope they won't tear poor Wesley's statement to pieces.
Brand: I have assigned Captain Satelk of Vulcan to assist me.
Crusher: Uh oh.

Picard: Wesley, It's so nice to see --
Wesley: Nice try, you putz. I saw your last scene.

Locarno: Before we go to our hearing, I should test out your ability to blatantly lie.
Wesley: Um...er...uh...em...what was the question?
Locarno: Maybe I should do the talking.

Picard: Ah, Boothby, my old friend. It's so good to see you.
Boothby: Get off my plants, you bum!
Picard: This brings back memories....

Brand: We will now begin this fair and impartial hearing.
Hajar: We followed our flight plan.
Brand: Liar!
Sito: I didn't see the collision.
Brand: Liar!
Locarno: It was all Cadet Albert's fault.
Brand: Liar!
Locarno: (aside to the other cadets) I don't think they believe us.

La Forge: You want us to investigate the accident too? Why?
Picard: I'm still hoping there's some way Wesley will get in trouble for all this.
La Forge: Why do you care?
Picard: Do you want him assigned to the Enterprise when he graduates?
La Forge: We'll get right on that investigation, sir.

Wesley: This sucks. We should just tell the truth.
Locarno: No.
Sito: Not even if they offer us a guest starring role in a future episode?
Wesley: Not even if they offer us a cameo in the next movie?
Locarno: No way! Not even if they offer us a starring role in the next series.
Wesley: (to Sito) Wow, he is serious.

Commander Albert: Did somebody order a guilt trip?
Wesley: Right here.

Brand: We'll need another volunteer to incriminate themselves.
Wesley: Oo! Oo! Pick me!
Brand: Very well. Describe the maneuver your squadron was executing.
Wesley: Sure! (runs around the room, arms outstretched like wings) We were going like this, see, and....
Satelk: How odd. Our surveillance satellite recorded a very different...er, maneuver.
Wesley: (looking back at Satelk) Huh? (crashes into a wall) Ow!

Picard: Boothby, I can't figure out what those cadets were up to.
Boothby: You know, it seems to me that if Locarno were to ask them to lie about a banned maneuver, they'd do it.
Picard: I need practical advice, not speculation!
Boothby: Then go yell at Wesley or something.
Picard: Of course! Boothby, you're a genius.
Boothby: Yep. Now stop following me around!

Troi: Your three o'clock moral flogging is here, sir.
Picard: Excellent. Send him in.
Wesley: Hey! I made an appointment for moral support!
Troi: What do I look like, a secretary?

Wesley: We're screwed, Nick! Captain Picard knows we performed a banned maneuver!
Locarno: You mean you're screwed. I'm going to change my name and join the Maquis.
Wesley: That sounds kind of risky.
Locarno: Meh. What's the worst that could happen?

Brand: Well, we know you're all lying, but since we can't prove it we're letting you off easy...unless one of you wants to squeal.
Wesley: That's my cue!

Brand: Cadet Locarno, you are hereby expelled from the Academy.
Tom Paris: I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.

Wesley: I feel awful. I'm being held back a year and my career is probably ruined for good. I'll never get posted to the Enterprise now!
Picard: Well, my work here is done.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Carolyn Paterson.