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Five-Minute "Lonely Among Us"

by FatMatDuhRat

Riker: Prepare to beam over the freaky looking aliens.
Yar: Ahem! Welcome to the Enterprise --
Selay Delegate: (sniffs) Eww! This ship stinks!
Picard: Sorry about that, the cleaners won't arrive until Tuesday.

Yar: Captain! Our sensors are picking up something very large and very weird.
Data: I concur. We're heading towards a massive buildup of unknown and deadly energy.
Picard: Sounds like fun -- Engage!

La Forge: Hey there Worf! Don't you just love doing sensory maintenance sweeps?
Worf: Actually Geordi, I'd rather be electrocuted than have to do this.
Blue Electricity: (ZAP!)
La Forge: Whoa! I totally didn't see that one coming!

Antican Delegate: Bring us some fresh animals to kill so that we may eat.
Yar: Uh... Why don't you try some of our nice replicated food?
Antican Delegate: (sniffs) UGH! This stuff stinks!
Riker: Here, have this instead. It's called "Leola Root Soufflé."

Crusher: Ho-hum, time to examine Worf.
Blue Electricity: (ZAP!)
Troi: Hello Doctor. (stares at her) I sense something different about you.
Crusher: Can't -- talk -- now. Must go.
Troi: Hey, wait up! (chases after her)
Worf: Er... hello? (pause) Could somebody let me up now?

Crusher: Must -- take over -- ship.
Picard: Hello there Beverly.
Blue Electricity: (ZAP!)
Crusher: Wha--? Who're you?
Picard: Fine, thanks. Hm... Why is that console behind you glowing?
Data: Captain, dozens of systems have just broken down all over the ship.
Picard: I wasn't talking to you, Mr. Data.

Data: Nobody knows anything about these malfunctions, sir, not even Mr. Singh.
Picard: Very well, but I want him to investigate this further.
Singh: B-but sir, (gulp) I have no idea what I'm doing.
Picard: Don't worry, you're not wearing red. What's the worst that can happen to you?

Yar: I found these Anticans with some weapons near the Selay's quarters.
Riker: Let me see that. (activates mini-lightsaber)
Antican Delegate: No fair! Give it back.
Riker: Hey, this thing is really cool! And Worf can use it to clean his teeth.

Wesley: Can I help you out, huh? Can I, huh?
Singh: Help yourself out, sheesh!
Wesley: Fine! Don't come crying to me, redshirt.
Singh: I wonder what that's supposed to m-- (ZAP!) ARGH!

Captain's Log: We're all relying on Mr. Singh right now to fix the Enterprise and --
Worf: (over the comm) Captain! Singh has been found sizzled and singed.
Picard: Whoa! Try saying that three times real fast.

Troi: So both you and Worf are saying that you sensed something?
Crusher: Yeah, but isn't that your line?
Troi: Yes, I know! (sobs) Isn't it pathetic sounding?

Troi: Captain, Dr. Crusher and Worf told me that they detected an entity inside of them.
Picard: WHAT? You're saying that they sensed something?
Troi: Oh no, not you too! WAH!

La Forge: Sir! Something's acting funny with the helm.
Picard: Let me see --
Blue Electricity: (ZAP!)
Picard: Data, be a good little android and take us back into the energy distortion.
Data: Uh, sure. Are you feeling okay?
Picard: Mwahahahaha! Yes, of course. Why do you ask?

Riker: Who are you and what've you done to our Captain?
Picard: Sorry for killing Singh, but I'm sure that this won't hurt much more.
Riker: What won't hurt much more?
Picard: (ZAP!)
Worf: ARGH! You just had to ask him that, didn't you?

Riker: Picard jumped ship, let's leave.
La Forge: Wait! I'm detecting a letter "P" inside of the energy cloud.
Riker: Okay, let's beam it on board.

Picard: I'm back! But -- where was I?
Riker: Awww... That's my Captain!
Yar: Hey guys, come quick! The Selay and the Anticans are killing and cooking each other.
Picard: Right... You handle that one Riker and I'll go let Troi cry on my shoulder.
Riker: Shoot -- I liked him better when he was made of blue lightning.
(The Enterprise ZAPS! off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, FatMatDuhRat.