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Five-Minute "Galaxy's Child"

by Marc Richard

La Forge: She's welcome to it, sir.

Transporter Technician: Ready to beam over the woman of your dreams, sir.
La Forge: Good. Energize.
Leah: (after materializing) I demand to see the idiot who messed up my engine designs!
La Forge: (to technician) Are you sure that thing's working properly? What fantasy-to-reality ratio did you use in the integrator circuits?
Technician: The standard 0-to-100 intermix. Why do you ask?

Leah: Your engineering procedures don't conform to my theoretical specifications!
La Forge: I improved them based on practical working experience!
Leah: Are you implying that speculation doesn't always agree with reality?
La Forge: Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

Riker: Is that a spacegoing lifeform orbiting the planet up ahead?
Data: Yes, sir. Such a phenomenon has never been seen before.
Picard: It reminds me of the spacecraft-creature we discovered at Beta Stromgren last year.
Riker: And of the interstellar jellyfish we found at Deneb IV on stardate....
Data: I meant "before we started our first mission," sir.
Riker: Oh. My mistake.

Worf: The creature has immobilized us and is bombarding us with radiation!
Picard: We have to startle it into letting us go, but without harming it. Set phasers on "wedgie" and fire!
Worf: Direct hit. The creature is dead, sir.
Picard: Dead? How is that possible?
Riker: Have you ever experienced a Klingon wedgie, sir?

Leah: People often find me cold, cerebral and humourless. They say I'd make a good hologram.
La Forge: On the grounds of possible self-incrimination, I'm not going to comment on that.

Data: A baby creature is still alive inside the dead parent organism.
Crusher: Let's try to free it by cesarean section.
Worf: An excellent idea. I will set the phasers at once.
Crusher: Maybe you should let me do it this time, Mr. Hamfist.

La Forge: I have to confess that I'm a secret admirer of yours.
Leah: Why didn't you tell me this before now?
La Forge: Because what people don't know can't hurt them.
Leah: That's what my husband always says.
La Forge: Ouch!

Worf: The newborn infant is following the Enterprise!
Troi: Perhaps it thinks the ship is its parent.
Picard: Very likely. Something similar once happened to the U.S.S. Konrad Lorenz.

Data: The creature has fastened itself to our hull and is draining power from the ship.
Picard: How will we get rid of it?
La Forge: I'll see if Dr. Brahms has any ideas. She's an expert at breaking attachments.

La Forge: Where's Dr. Brahms?
Ensign Pavlick: On Holodeck Three running your Utopia Planitia drafting room program. Is that a problem?
La Forge: Are you kidding? I'm three months behind on my life insurance policy payments!

Holo-Leah: And when we got to the kissing part....
La Forge: (running into the Holodeck) This isn't what it looks like!
Leah: Like hell it isn't! (to Holo-Leah) Finish what you were saying!
Holo-Leah: ...Geordi said that he'll always remember sharing Utopia with me.
La Forge: I was talking about the drafting room! Honest!

Picard: (over the comm) Engineering, some adult space creatures are approaching. You have ten minutes to pry the infant off the ship!
Leah: Let's call a truce and work together. Is there a way we could make our power unpalatable to the infant?
La Forge: Let me think. I've got it! We could do it by changing the power frequency!
Leah: Oh, you're good, Geordi.
La Forge: Mmmh...I always love it when you say that. I mean, I've always wanted to hear you say that! Honest!

Picard: (over the comm) Congratulations, Mr. La Forge. The infant has decided to let go and is moving on.
La Forge: Sigh. I know the feeling.

Leah: I'm glad we're friends now.
La Forge: Me too. When you next speak to your husband, though, could you sorta not mention my fantasies about you?
Leah: Oh, he wouldn't mind. In a way, he's to blame for all of this.
La Forge: Why do you say that?
Leah: Who do you think was the chief designer for your ship's Holodecks?
(La Forge's ego deflates at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 9, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Marc Richard.