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Five-Minute "Clues"

by Derek Dean

hug: Stick 'em up!
Guinan: What's going on?
Picard: He thinks I cheated at Fizzbin.
Thug: Hey, all I want is a piece of the action.

Picard: So what do you think of my Dixon Hill holodeck program?
Guinan: It sucks. I can't believe that you, the captain of the Enterprise, would lower himself to --
Picard: I can kill Borg with it.
Guinan: I love it.

Captain's Log: Here's where the real episode starts.

Data: Hey, wake up, everybody!
Riker: (in his sleep) Aw, mom, can't I have five more minutes?
Picard: How long have we been out?
Data: Just because I don't have an answer doesn't mean I'm lying.

Data: Captain, we should send a probe back to the planet.
Picard: Well, I was going to suggest a Taurus, but anything by Ford will do.

Riker: Hey, I thought the planet was a blue M-Class planet, not a yellow planet with black spots.
Data: Um, maybe that's due to sunspots.
Riker: We weren't near a sun.
Data: Exactly. And since our sensors compensate for sunspots, they got confused and mis-scanned the planet.
Riker: Is mis-scanned a word?
Data: Um, mis-scanned. To incorrectly scan something. To mis-examine, to faux-browse, to pseudo-skim, --
Riker: Alright already. I believe you.

Crusher: I was experimenting in Sickbay with a rolling stone earlier today, and look what I found just now.
Picard: Hm. Moss.
Crusher: Either the saying is wrong, or we've lost more time than thirty seconds.

Data: There was a guy named Underhill who suspected that if we passed through a wormhole laced with, um, corbomite, then moss would grow on a rolling stone.
La Forge: Underhill was the assumed name of Frodo Baggins.
Data: Crap! I mean, uh, what a coincidence.

Crusher: I examined our daily body cycles and found out that instead of being only a little off, they were off by a whole day!
Picard: But if our bodies cycle once per day, then how do you know we're off by a day?
Crusher: Look, I'm just tired of Data always being right. This time he's going down.

Picard: Geordi determined that you've set the clock back a day. Why'd you do it?
Data: Well, we were having such a good time earlier, that I had to set the clock back since it was flying forward.
Picard: Data, are you being influenced without your knowledge?
Data: Oh my gosh! I am! But, wait! How do I know that? It's a paradox! BOOM!
Picard: That's not very funny.

Troi: Ugh.
Picard: Counsellor? Are you okay?
Troi: Sorry, I just thought about kissing Riker with a beard.
Riker: On you or on me?
Picard: Worf, why don't you escort Troi back to her quarters? And see if you can't plant seeds for future W/T 'shippers.

Troi: AHHHH!
Worf: What is it?
Troi: I just thought about marrying Riker with a beard.
Riker: (over the comm) On you or on me?
Worf: Maybe we should start a 'ship after all.
Troi: Oh please, you have a beard too.
Worf: But you don't.

La Forge: Data, do you recognize this planet?
Data: Sure, it's the planet the sports car picked up.
La Forge: Um, no, actually it's a smiley face.
Data: It's possible that a planet might look like a giant smiley face.
La Forge: And how do you explain the words "Have a Nice Day" at the bottom?
Data: A virtually impossible arrangement of bread, apples, and very small rocks?

Picard: Data, you've been lying this entire episode. What would you do in my place?
Data: I would drop the charade and make out with Dr. Crusher.
Picard: I meant about you!
Data: Oh. Never mind, then.

Picard: I think Data's trying to protect us from something.
Riker: I bet it's a pack of llamas.
Picard: Anyway, I think we should go back and find out what it is, thus spoiling all of Data's efforts.
Riker: Am I the only one who thinks that's a bad idea? Llamas are vicious when cornered.

Troi: Why am I always the one who gets possessed?
Data: Because if you weren't, you'd get even less screen time.

Picard: So now that I've ruined your secret by returning, tell me what really happened.
Data: Sure thing. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Data: Hey, wake up, everybody!
Riker: (in his sleep) Aw, mom, can't I have five more minutes?
Troi: Why am I always the one who gets possessed?
(Troi snaps Worf's wrist)
Worf: OW! That's it! No 'ship between us ever!
Balrog: Roar!
Data: (on bridge with sword) YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Data: ...and I lived happily ever after to the end of my days.
Riker: Data, we know you're still lying. I mean, where were the llamas?

Picard: Give us one more chance!
Paxons: Since we have no reason to -- sure, why not?
Picard: Yay! Let's get to work!
Riker: Sigh. Reset button episodes aren't so much fun when you have to do a manual reset.

Data: Hey, wake up, everybody!
Riker: (in his sleep) Aw, mom, can't I have five more minutes?
Picard: How long have we been out?
Data: Um, thirty seconds. Yes, that sounds good.
(Data lies through his teeth at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 10, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.