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Five-Minute The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

by Kira

Balrog: Boo.
Fellowship: AAAAAH!
Gandalf: Strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Balrog: Okay.
Gandalf: Aieeeeeeeeeeee!

Frodo: Gandalf!
Sam: Legolas! Gimli! Strider! Boromir! I win.
Frodo: Win what, Sam?
Sam: I thought we were playing that game where we try to name all the members of the Fellowship.
Frodo: Oh. Well, you forgot Merry and Pippin.
Sam: Who?

Frodo: Oh, bollocks -- we're going in circles.
Sam: I told you we should have stopped and asked someone for directions.

Gollum: Filthy little thieves... we wants the precious... yesss, finders keepers, yes precious.... ACK!
Sam: Aha! Got 'im! What should we do with him, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Hm....

Gollum: This way, Hobbitses! Come on, come on!
Sam: You know, when I said we should ask someone for directions, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Frodo: Well, next time maybe you should be a little more specific in your criticism of my quest-leading skills.

Pippin: Merry! Merry, are you awake?
Merry: Yes. Some nitwit keeps yelling at me.
Pippin: That must be a real drag. But don't worry, I'm sure everyone is already out looking for us.
Merry: Pfft. I bet they haven't even noticed we're missing.

Gimli: Huff... pant... wheeze. This is hard work. Dragging my beard for three days and nights is tiring enough, not to mention the rest of me.
Aragorn: Well, we can't stop because... um....
Legolas: Because we have to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Aragorn: Right. Who were....
Legolas: Taken by Orcs! Honestly, if you didn't spend so much time trying to make yourself look rugged and manly, maybe you'd remember these things.
Aragorn: Hey, I'm not the one who insisted on packing his skin and hair-care products before we left Amon Hen.

Eomer: Gasp! Theodred! My cousin, who has done this to you and your men?
Rohirrim: Sir, look! His shirt!
Eomer: "I was ambushed by Orcs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Curse those foul creatures and their novelty clothing!

Eomer: My lord, Orcs bearing the white hand of Saruman attacked your son and his men. He lies near death.
Theoden: Mehhhh....
Wormtongue: Lies! Deceit! Traitor!
Eomer: Do you do anything around here besides slink around and shout "Traitor"?
Wormtongue: As a matter of fact, I don't. And just for that, you're banished.
Eomer: Aw.

Orcs: We're hungry! Let's eat the halflings!
Uruk-Hai: We told you to eat something before we left. Nobody touches the halflings.
Orcs: But they're snack size!
Uruk-Hai: Bite us.
Orcs: Gladly!
Rohhirim: CHARGE!
Merry and Pippin: AAAAAAA!

Legolas: A red sun rises....
Aragorn: What's your point?
Legolas: No point. It's just pretty.

Eomer: Halt! How dare you trespass on our poorly marked and unguarded borders!
Aragorn: We, er... give me a sec, I think it has something to do with Orcs.
Gimli: Remind me who put him and his lousy broken sword in charge?
Legolas: We're tracking a band of Uruk-Hai that took two of our companions captive.
Eomer: You mean those Uruk-Hai that are now a heap of charred carcasses? Hm... our bad on that one. Here, have these two horses.
Aragorn: But there are three of us.
Eomer: I said, have these two horses.

Gimli: Gasp! Their tiny belts... and look, tiny cut ropes, and tiny little footprints heading away from the battle towards the forest. Poor little dead hobbits....
Aragorn: They're alive! They ran into Fangorn forest!
Legolas: Fangorn forest? Are they insane?
Pippin: Oh, like you could have come up with a better plan while being chased by Orcs and attacked by the Rohirrim.
Aragorn: Quiet, you, you're only in the flashback.
Pippin: Aw.

Treebeard: Hem hoom. Who goes there?
Pippin: We're --
Treebeard: Little Orcs! I said no little Orcs! These are two little Orcs! Can't you count?
Merry: Gimli? Is that you in disguise?
Treebeard: Foolish little Orc! I am an Ent.
Pippin: We're not Orcs! We're halflings!
Treebeard: Two halflings? So that makes one... hoom, well that's all right then. Instead of squashing you, I will regale you with songs and tales in Old Entish!
Merry and Pippin: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Gimli: This forest is creepy.
Legolas: The trees... they're speaking to each other!
Aragorn: Legolas, I warned you about eating those mushrooms....
Legolas: Silence, talking fern!

Aragorn: Gandalf!
Gimli: You're alive!
Legolas: You've discovered soap!
Aragorn: Yeah, who knew he actually had white hair under all that grime?
Gandalf: I fell through fire, through water, and finally on the top of the tallest mountain I --
Aragorn: Wait, wait -- how do you fall up a mountain?
Gandalf: That's not important. I have come back to tell you that you must go to Edoras, home of King Theoden of Rohan.
Aragorn: Oh, geez. I hate that guy. He's always strutting around, rubbing his good looks in my face.
Gandalf: I promise you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Frodo: Well, there it is -- the Black Gate of Mordor. I suppose we should have thought up some sort of plan before we got here.
Gollum: Sméagol will show Master a secret way into Mordor!
Sam: Or, we could... um... dress up as Orcs and blend in?
Frodo: Please, that would never work. Come on, Sméagol, lead the way.

Merry: What's that you're drinking?
Pippin: Nothing.
Merry: Pip! You're taller!
Pippin: No I'm not.
Merry: Yes you are! But I'm the tall one! That's how people tell us apart! You've done something to yourself!
Pippin: That's ridiculous, Merry. Nobody can tell us apart.

Gandalf: Your hold on this land is over, Saruman. Begone!
Theoden/Saruman: Hahaha! I laugh at your puny wizard powers.
Gandalf: (removing his cloak) Alakazam!
Theoden/Saruman: AAAAARRRGH!
Aragorn: You did that just by saying "Alakazam"?
Gandalf: No, I did that by getting my whites so sparkly bright. Saying "Alakazam" was just for fun.

Gandalf: Well, how do you feel?
Theoden: Young and ruggedly handsome!
Aragorn: Oh, crap. Here we go....
Legolas: Relax. You're much more ruggedly handsome than he is.
Aragorn: Really? Do you think so?
Legolas: Sure. Of course, I think we all know who's really the handsomest.
Gimli: Oh, stop. I'm blushing.

Theoden: I don't care about all your dire predictions. I'm staying here like the chicken I am, and that's final.
Aragorn: But --
Theoden: Say, is that a crown on your head? No, wait, that's me looking in the mirror. Ha! Stupid Aragorn!
Aragorn: Look, that wasn't funny the first five times you tried it.

Eowyn: As the only female character in this trilogy, I feel obliged to fall hopelessly in love with you and your rugged manliness.
Aragorn: You're not the only female character.
Eowyn: Oh. Well, I'm still going to fall in love with you.
Aragorn: Sorry, already taken. By the only other female character in a movie overrun by men.
Eowyn: Oh.
Aragorn: Ironic, huh?
Eowyn: Shut up.

Gollum: Stupid fat hobbits. Kill them, kill them all and take the precious!
Sméagol: But Master is our friend!
Gollum: They stole the precious from us! We could takes it back!
Sméagol: Steal the precious from Master?
Gollum: Finders keepers, precious.
Sméagol: Losers weepers! Losers weepers!
Gollum: Tricksy. You win this time, but I'll be back.

Frodo: Wow! Oliphaunts!
Sam: I see them, Mr. Frodo, but we'd better get out of here before we run into a plot complic--
Faramir: Hello. You called?

Frodo: Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Faramir. I guess we'll be heading off to Mordor to continue our quest now.
Faramir: Hahahahaha! Good one.
Sam: No, really! You're supposed to just escort us a little ways then let us go!
Faramir: You must have me confused with someone with fewer jerk-like qualities.
Frodo: But --
Faramir: Take 'em away, boys!

Theoden: Ahhh. I've always loved the passage to Helm's Deep. Fantastic scenery, don't you think?
Aragorn: Sure, whatever. Look, don't you think we should send scouts ahead?
Theoden: Relax. I skimmed through the next few chapters before we left Edoras, and nothing happens before we get to Helm's Deep.
Aragorn: Wait... if you read ahead, why are Eowyn and the women and children coming with us to Helm's Deep? Shouldn't we have left them at Dunharrow?
Theoden: Uh... say, that's a good question. Maybe --
Wolves of Isengard: Snarl growl snarl!
Theoden: Oh, shazbot.

Aragorn: And now, to gracefully leap onto the back of this -- Oof!
Orc: Your hand's stuck in my saddle! Hahahaha! What a moron!
Aragorn: Don't know how (grunt) Legolas makes it (oof) look so (gasp) easy!
Orc: Hahaha! Look, the stupid man can't get his hand fr-- GAK!
Aragorn: Ha! Nice dismount, loser! Who's the moron nowhooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Theoden: Well, here we are, safe and sound at Helm's Deep. Nothing can reach us here.
Gamling: But what if --
Theoden: Not now, Gamling, I'm basking in my narrow escape.

Saruman: Well, here's my army of ten thousand Uruk-Hai, ready to wipe out the men of Rohan. Nothing can stop me now.
Wormtongue: But what if --
Saruman: Not now, fool, I'm basking in my certain victory.

Aragorn: This is one sweet dream. I think I'll stay here a while.
Arwen: Trust me, you want to leave before we get any farther than kissing.

Aragorn: Yes, oh yes, Arwen --AAAAAAAAAAAAA! ...Okay, nobody ever needs to know about this. Agreed?
Brego: Neigh-hi-hi-hi.

Elrond: Arwen, don't be foolish. Remaining here with Aragorn will mean an arduous, unending torture. Sure, he'll die eventually, but what will you do until then?
Arwen: Sorry, father, but I just can't respect you ever since you borrowed my headband.

Massive Army of Uruk-Hai: Grrr arrgh snarl growl grr grr argh snarl rowr!
Aragorn: Ohhhhhh shoot.

Galadriel: The world of men is once again doomed. We must send elves to Helm's Deep.
Elrond: What?
Galadriel: Oh, you know the men will screw it up. Besides, we're just so darn cool.

Faramir: I think I need a flashback to show how my tragic character makes it okay for me to be such a jerk.
Boromir: All right. (ahem) Alas, my poor younger brother, that our father is sending you on a quest upon which the fate of Gondor rests. It will be difficult, and you may be killed by a massive army of OH WAIT, THAT WAS ME!
Faramir: You're not helping.

Frodo: Sméagol, it's time to go.
Sméagol: Go with Master?
Frodo: Yes, go with Master. Just come over here, nice and sl--
Faramir: (jumps Sméagol) Aha! Gotcha!
Frodo: Hey! That was mean! What did we do to deserve this kind of treatment?
Faramir: What, you missed the flashback?

Aragorn: I'm back!
Gimli: I can't believe you survived that fall.
Legolas: I'm more impressed that he landed in a river and still managed to not get clean.

Pippin: I wonder how long this "Entmoot" thing will take.
Merry: Not long, I'd say.
Treebeard: Hem hoom. The motion to introduce new business is heard. Who will second the motion?
Ents: Hem... hoom....
Merry: Hoooo boy.

Aragorn: The elves are here.
Theoden: What?
Aragorn: I said, the elves are here.
Theoden: Elves? At Helm's Deep? That's the dumbest thing I've ever --
Aragorn: We can use them as shields. And their shiny uniforms might blind the Orcs.
Theoden: Good idea. You are welcome, my elvish friends! May you die courageously and before us.
Haldir: Fine, but I'm not wearing a helmet. It will muss up my hair.

Uruk-Hai: Grr arrgh snarl growl grr grr arrgh rarr snarl growl!

Legolas: Well, Gimli my friend, are you ready to fight?
Gimli: Oh, don't you "my friend" me, you weasely elf. I know you're only hanging out with me because Haldir is prettier than you.
Legolas: Take that back!

Theoden: Oh great, now it's raining. Could this day get any worse?

Treebeard: Hem hoom. Shall we put this resolution to a vote?
Ent One: I move to amend the resolution.
Ent Two: Hem hoom. I second that motion.
Treebeard: The motion is passed. Discussion of the amendment may now begin.
Pippin: Sigh. It's a good thing hobbit meetings don't follow Robert's Rules of Order.
Merry: We only have the Hobbit Rule of Order: ale first, talk later.
Pippin: Well, that explains why nothing ever gets done in the Shire.

Helm's Deep: Oo, that's going to leave a mark.

Merry: Well? What did you decide? You were certainly talking for long enough.
Treebeard: Hem hoom. We Ents never say anything unless it's worth taking a lot of time to say it.
Pippin: Can't you just give us a five-minute version of the meeting?
Treebeard: "No."
Pippin: Why not?
Merry: Pip, that was the five-minute version.
Pippin: Oh. Nuts.

Aragorn: Well, I'd say this counts as losing spectacularly. Time to retreat.
Legolas: Ahem.
Aragorn: I mean, um, not retreat.
Haldir: Are you crazy? We're getting the snot kicked out of us, we have to retreAAAAAAARRRGH! OH GOD, THE PAIN!
Aragorn: There. You owe me one.
Legolas: Fair enough. Retreat now?
Aragorn: Ohhhh yeah.

Aragorn: Well, looks like we're pretty much screwed. Is there another way out of this place?
Theoden: Brilliant! You can jump out onto the ramp and buy us time to block the door!
Aragorn: ...Right, of course. My thought exactly.

Faramir: Welcome to Osgiliath, vacation capital of Gondor!
Sam: Doesn't look very nice. In fact, it's a smoking pile of rubble under siege by Orcs.
Faramir: Oh, like your home is a picturesque image of pastoral beauty.
Sam: Actually, it is.
Faramir: Huh. Think I could come live with you?
Sam: Let's see how you do with the not-stealing-the-Ring-of-Power thing, first.

Treebeard: GASP! The trees of Isengard! All dead! This means war!
Merry: Wait a sec... Isengard? I thought we were going back to the Shire.
Pippin: We skipped the part where I had the idea to come here instead.
Merry: You had an idea? You, Peregrin Took?
Pippin: I sure did. You see, if we go where Saruman least expects, then --
Merry: You heard Saruman had a huge stash of Shire pipe weed, didn't you?
Pippin: And beer. Don't forget the beer.

Aragorn: Now that we're surrounded and the ten thousand Uruk-Hai outside will probably break down our defenses any minute, there's only one thing to do.
Theoden: Get drunk?
Aragorn: Ride out and meet them.
Theoden: Oh. Well, I guess we could do that too.

Theoden: Well, Aragorn my friend, it looks as though this may be our end.
Aragorn: At least we're going out in a blaze of glory.
Theoden: Unless, of course, Gandalf and Eomer show up at the last possible second.
(The battle rages on)
Aragorn: Try it a little louder.
Gandalf, Eomer, and Six Thousand Rohirrim Soldiers: CHARGE!
Aragorn and Theoden: Phew.

Gandalf: Well, looks like I've saved your wussy hides yet again.
Aragorn: Yeah, thanks and all, but you don't think you could have maybe arrived a little sooner?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Aragorn son of Arathorn. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Aragorn: You just wanted to make an entrance.

Saruman: Blast those Ents and hobbits! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh when I take over the Shire! Mwahahahaha!
Wormtongue: But my lord, I think that Peter Jackson --
Saruman: Quiet, you slithering toad! Can't you see I'm cackling?

Sam: You know, Frodo, I've been thinking. Our quest may be difficult, and seem impossible, but in all those great stories about -- hey, are you listening to me? This is my big inspirational spiel!
Frodo: (holding out the Ring) Here, Nazgûl, Nazgûl, Nazgûl....
Sam: Stop that!

Gondor Soldier: We're letting them go?
Faramir: Do you have a problem with that?
Gondor Soldier: No, but your father will. You would have been better off to let them go in the first place.
Faramir: Well, you see, if I'd done that, then they would have had nothing to do until they get to Cirith Ungol. Which, if you examine the timeline of events in detail, doesn't actually happen until the siege of Minas Tirith in --
Gondor Soldier: All right, all right, I get it. Yeesh.

Gandalf: Well, the battle is over and we are victorious. Do you know what that means?
Aragorn: We need an ominous tagline to lead into the next movie?
Gandalf: Precisely. (ahem) "You know this plastic prison of theirs won't hold me forever. The war is still coming, Charles, and I intend to fight it by any means necessary."
Aragorn: That doesn't sound quite right.
Gandalf: Meh.

Sam: I don't like this, Mr. Frodo. Not one bit. What if he's going to... to... lead us into the lair of some giant spider, or something?
Frodo: Don't be silly, Sam. You're not going to be eaten by a giant spider.
Sam: You promise?
Frodo: I promise. Besides, Sméagol's on our side now. Right, Sméagol?
Gollum: Mwahahahahaha!
Frodo: See? Nothing to worry about.
(Gollum leads the hobbits to Cirith Ungol at Treacherous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

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This fiver was originally published on September 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement intended to rule them all, no copyright infringement intended to find them, no copyright infringement intended to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.