Disclaimers

[Nate the Great]

So this is the disclaimer thread. It's a game, but it's a 5M.net thread, not scifi, so I stuck it in here. We just talk about our favorite disclaimers, invent new ones for our own amusement, and so forth.

Favorite: "All rights reserved, and most of the lefts, too."
New: "This is a parody. Had we been taking it seriously, you wouldn't be reading this."
New: "If you take this fiver internally, be sure to eat it with some ice cream. A cherry wouldn't hurt, either."
New: "For nutritional information please e-mail the author at fivershavezerocalories@imaginarydomain.com"
New: "If you were led here by a search engine, be sure to give it a cyberbone, and don't forget to send it away so the next fan can find it."
New: "May the Great Bird of the Galaxy bless your homepage!"

Okay, so the last few aren't exactly disclaimers, but you get the idea.

[PointyHairedJedi]

"This has been a test. If you did not find any of the preceding even remotely funny, then congratulations: your sense of humour bypass was entirely sucessful."

[Nate the Great]

"Got Gak?"
"If you're confused at the convoluted characterizations, please call 1-800-FIVERGAKS to enroll in our remedial program. If you're not confused, please call 1-800-FIVERHOLIC to summon the men in white coats."

Over at 5MSG we used to have counters of the number of people who have read the fiver (or at least accessed the page), so there's a subcategory.

"You are number XXXX to have your dreams invaded by a Reman."
"Congratulations! You are reader number XXXX! Please call 1-800-DREAMON to claim your prize. Here's a hint, it involves lots of barking laughs."
"If you see the number XXXX, then Q is messing with your mind. Just think about Shakespeare until it changes."
"A ship has just been commissioned in your honor with registry number XXXX. Let's hope the tractor beam arrives BEFORE Tuesday."
"Here's your disclaimer fortune. If the number XXXX is even, you're going to have a great day. If the number is odd, you're still going to have a great day. Live long and prosper!"

[Gatac]

"If you can read this, your font size is set too high."
"Help, I'm trapped in a parody website disclaimer!"
"If you had the time to read this, you could've just watched the show."

Gatac

[mudshark]

"Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode."

Or was it on the swing?

[Nate the Great]

"You are number XXXX to be confused by this fiver."
"If you don't understand a joke, you could try the forums, but I wouldn't count on it."
"You have just voted for this fivist to become the newest member of the Q Continuum. XXXX votes and counting!"
"If it didn't take you five minutes to read this, it's just a fluctuation in the space-time continuum. I wouldn't worry about it."
"You've just been transported an hour into the future! Made you look!"
"XXXX people have been confused by the third scene in this fiver. You may now count yourself a member of the elite fiver audience."

[Nate the Great]

"If you divide XXXX by 47, you'll get a number about as meaningless as any promise to promote Harry Kim."
"You are number XXXX to wonder if this reader counter joke was really funny."
"All of the characters and so forth belong to Paramount. Any punchlines belong to the fivist who wrote this thing. Any mistakes you may see belong to the Typo Fairy. The Great Bird of the Galaxy knows we feed him enough."
"Congratulations! You are number XXXX to wonder what you won merely because we said Congratulations."
"If this fiver is actually a fourver or a sixer by your watch, you might want to wind it up more often. Our watches are set by professional Vulcan jewelers."
"XXXX readers times five minutes each add up to...a number that's just about equal to the required number of years it will take for the Sword of Kahless to twirl back to DS9 from the Gamma Quadrant. I hope you're there to catch it, I have a Parisses Squares match that afternoon."

[PointyHairedJedi]

"The author of this fiver ate all the pies, but can you really blame them? Mmmm, pie."

[Nate the Great]

"If you were to take XXXX pies and stack them into a pile, you'd have a lot of broken pie crust on your hands. Shame on you!"

[Asky]

"Don't let the antimatter radiation hit you on your way out"?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

This fiver is a work of referential parody. Any resemblence to persons living or dead or other creative works is probably intentional, but don't strain yourself looking too closely.

[Nate the Great]

"Do fivists five fivers? Do fivers five fivists? If you think Wonderland is weird, try some of the other stuff on this site."
"(XXXX-1) out of (XXXX) readers of this fiver think it's pretty good."

[Chancellor Valium]

"The above fiver, the fivist and this disclaimer are in now way to do with anything at all, including each other. Now read that to yourself five times, take a cold shower, and jump up and down singing La Marseillaise."

[PointyHairedJedi]

"The author, webmaster, or anyone in any way shape or form connected with this site may not be held responsible if the above made your brain melt."

[Nate the Great]

"Hey you! Reader! I have a special message for you, so I want you to lean in really close to the screen. Ready? Booga booga!"

"Fivers are not to be taken internally, unless you print them out first. Don't forget to put some yamok sauce on first."

"Help! I'm trapped in Zeke's basement doing the source code! He won't feed me until someone reads this thing a thousand times, so please tell everyone you know about 5M.net...ugh, everything's going black..."

"If you were expecting some actual legalese in this fine print here, obviously you haven't been reading enough fivers."

[Tate]

Two of my favorite existing disclaimers:
"Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight. "
"Yes, we're still breaking a few copyrights. Coincidentally, we're still insane. Now go fetch me my hunting rifle, it's cabbage season. "

[Nate the Great]

"If you were wondering if we were going to give you a fiver for reading this, you were right, but you've already spent it. Neener neener neener!"

"This fiver is copyrighted 200X by John Doe. "Star Trek" is copyrighted by Para--HEY, WHAT'S THAT CREEPING UP BEHIND YOU!"

"Okay, so you have no idea who this fivist is. Join the club, even he/she doesn't know who he/she is."

[Nate the Great]

If you're squinting to read this disclaimer, don't worry. You're not losing your eyesight. We just used a really small font because we're evil.

[Nate the Great]

I am a disclaimer. A disclaimer I am. I do not like green eggs and ham.

[PointyHairedJedi]

"Quantum uncertainty states that this fiver was probably funnier before you actually went and read it, so if you didn't laugh then it's entirely your own fault."