Five-Minute "Hide and Seek"

[Wowbagger]

Again, some of the material in here is dated--these were written when Enterprise was on the verge of cancellation--and some of it is just plain sucky. But there are good jokes, too.


Five-Minute “Hide and Seek”
By Wowbagger

McKay: Are the genes ready?
Beckett: Ironed, washed, pressed, dried, and bleached.
McKay: Not in that order, I hope. Should I mind the ketchup stain on the left knee?
Beckett: Of course not. Ancient genes are far more robust than our own.

McKay: Wow, I feel powerful! Let’s test this thing out! Major, would you do me a favor and shoot me in the leg?
Sheppard: Any time.

Meta-Weir: At last, the real title sequence. Cool.
Meta-McKay: You realize we can’t really do too much with these "meta"-scenes now that we’re out of the pilot episodes.
Meta-Weir: Well, we can always make fun of actor’s names. Like Rainbow Sun Francks.
Meta-McKay: Or Torri Higgenson.
Meta-Weir: Oh, yeah, that’s a great--HEY!

Weir: You irresponsible twerp.
McKay: Great. Now you’ve spawned the first Atlantis slash genre: M/W.
Weir: You’re seeing things. And that’s W/M to you.
Beckett: It’s not his fault, anyhow. It’s mine. To facilitate the gene reaction, I used--I’m sorry—drugs imported from Canada.
McKay: I am Canadian!
Beckett: Oh. Well, then, I blame your blood.

Jinto: Here we are again, doing exactly what our father said we shouldn’t, just like last week.
Wex: Hey... doesn’t my character turn out to be a main cast member in disguise?
Jinto: You’re mixing franschises again, Wex.
Wex: You’re right, of course. *leg stops shimmering gold*
Jinto: GUK!

Halling: Dr. Weir! Dr. Weir! Jinto is missing!
Weir: Excellent. Mr. Grodin... Send in The Clowns.

Sheppard: *leading a crack team of rifle-bearing soldiers wearing large red noses* Nothing down here, ma’am. Nice job with the new t-shirts, though. I especially like the motto. Where’d you get it?
Weir: Trust me, it wasn’t hard to come up with, “Don’t bother; they’re here.”

Grodin: I’ve got it. The monster feeds off energy sources.
Puddlejumper: TOS 48, TNG 190, et. al.!
Ford: Are you seriously going to do that every time we borrow a plot element or two?
Puddlejumper: Only when you don't even bother to rewrite the technobabble.

Jinto: Hi! I released the monster, but I also found this really cool teleporter!
Halling: My son, I am so pleased to see you alive, well, and quickly earning a name for yourself among these strange people.
Sheppard: Yeah, and that name is Wesley Crusher.

Ford: Ah! The monster has doubled back on us! We’re trapped! It’s comingggg---GEK!
Puddlejumper: Was that a TOS 26 we just saw?

Meta-Ford: Wha… where am I? McKay?
Meta-McKay: You’re dead. This is the afterlife. And I’m God.
Meta-Ford: But… but…!
Meta-Weir: Don’t worry, Aiden. The universe is not so badly designed.

Weir: Okay, so we need to bait this creature. Rodney, since you’re still wearing the Ancient genes--and wasn’t there anything less ugly in their wardrobe?--why don’t you do it?
Sheppard: I volunteer. Waking up the entire Wraith species last week wasn’t quite enough to satisfy my Macho tooth.

Teyla: Okay, Jinto. You just light this candle and everything will turn out fine.
Halling: (aside) Isn’t the blob drawn towards heat energy?
Teyla: I always wished the creators had killed off Wesley earlier in the series.

Weir: It turns out that lighting a candle scares away the blob.
McKay: Who told you that?
Weir: Our puddlejumper.
Sheppard: (over comm) Hey, the phloxing blob just turned around and went in your direction! He was muttering something about, “Me love candle.”
(pause)
Weir: Jumper, I hate you too.
Puddlejumper: Must... destroy... competition... Trek Nielsens... must... rise...

Blob: All I wanted... was for you to LET ME LOVE YOU!
Ford: Aww... deep down, the blob’s a person just like you and me.
Blob: Actually, I just find you delicious.

McKay: And now, with all hope lost, the blob draining all power from the MALP and the Stargate, I am left with no choice but to be a hero. I expect no reward... GEK!
Blob: The pants! They blind me! I have no choice but to surrender!
Weir: You know, if he keeps pulling insane stunts like that, McKay will be dead by the end of the first season.
Beckett: There’s a George Fabricius quote coming to mind, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

(The Clowns throw pie in Rodney’s face at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff here is copyrighted by Canadians. My intent isn't to infringe on them or their exosites; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the abbreviated version of the universe Zeke created. I don't think he'd mind. Especially not after the pecan pie bribe.

[Nate the Great]

Please, just for my edification, could you start putting disclaimers before these things?

"This is an UNOFFICIAL fanver for entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be official, nor is it approved by Zeke, Nan, or any other member of the 5M.net (or their affiliates) administration."

I really don't want this thing to spiral out of control. If you don't want me being anal about this, please feel free to convince Zeke and Nan to open a Five-Minute Atlantis subsite here.

[Wowbagger]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Please, just for my edification, could you start putting disclaimers before these things?

Disclaimer added. And I still have five more of these, so I'll keep pumping them out on Sundays, disclaimer included.

Are people enjoying them, or should I just stop?

Now that's some nice irony.

-Is- there any good M/W slash out there? Or is that, like J/N, too horrific to contemplate?

[Nate the Great]

No, NOT one of my joke disclaimers, a real disclaimer. For my edification. Just in case we ever get a real Five-Minute Stargate Atlantis, I want the official fivers to go through some sort of review process. I want everyone to know, especially Nan, that no toes are being stepped on.

[Wowbagger]

Your joke disclaimers? Seriously?

My disclaimer sufficiently covers the fact that it is an infringement of Stargate Atlantis and an unauthorized usage of the Five-Minute concept. If it happens to get an amusing pie comment in there (and, no, it's not objectively very funny, but for some reason pecan pie always makes me laugh. Like weevils.), then so be it.

If it'll help, next week I'll make the disclaimer somewhat more explicit, like:

Originally Posted by Next Week's Disclaimer

DISCLAIMER: It's a FAAAAAAAAKE!

Which, come to think of it, would be a rather funny disclaimer.

[Nate the Great]

"My" joke disclaimers as in I started a whole thread about it, and not that far into the past, either.

Please, just find Nan somehow and make sure that all of this is okay with her and won't make her totally vanish, taking the keys to the vault with her.

[NAHTMMM]

slash genre: M/W.

Now that's some nice irony.