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Old 06-02-2010, 03:00 AM
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Default Five-Minute "Suspicion"

DISCLAIMER [No, Seriously. I Have a Ton of Declaiming To Do Here]: This fiver is fourth in a six-part series. (Or is this sixer the fifth in a four-part series? Odd sentence. Too tangly.) It is unofficial. It is unauthorized. It is extraordinarily old (written in 2005). Its posting here is in no sense a criticism of Zeke or the certain... lack of alacrity... for which he is justly famed. It is, above all, not very good. In fact, it is pretty bad. In fact, it is quite unpublishable in its current form, and probably any form any amount of editing might care to impose upon it. (The Terry Schiavo joke is particularly tasteless.) So, why publish it? Because, why not? Its existence can't possibly hurt anyone, except as a waste of time, a few people might get a chuckle or two out of it, and if it does that it's served its purpose. And then I'll finally have the bloody things off my hard drive. Look for parts five and six coming... soon, and for now struggle to find something to enjoy in Five-Minute "Suspicion"!

Five-Minute “Suspicion”
By Wowbagger

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE: ATLANTIS:
Halling: We’re the Athosians.
Teyla: I’m catsuit babe.
Wraith: And we want to eat you.
Meta-Weir: Just in case you somehow missed the entire premise of the series.

Sheppard: (over comm) We’re coming in hot!
Control Guy: Dr. Weir, we have an unscheduled Gate activation. Teyla is incoming.
Sheppard: That’s not what I meant.

Weir: The Wraith hit percentage is up to 56%.
Sheppard: Ungodly. They must be using steroids or something.
Weir: I think the answer is obvious: we have a mole.
Sheppard: Ha! I knew it! This is the Atlantis from the Disney movie!

Meta-Weir: We’ve decided on a mission: We, the meta-cast of Stargate: Atlantis, will be acting as your Five-Minute audio commentary for this episode.
Meta-Ford: Well, we started out by writing the script.
Meta-McKay: Then we shot the episode.
Meta-Ford: Then the post-production people added lots of features.
Meta-Weir: Hmm. On second thought, we might have a problem here.

Bates: I’ve got this all worked out. It’s called the SafeGuarding and Commanding the Protection of Atlantis from Terror by Reading Into everything Obsessively and Targetedly Act.
Weir: Or the SGC PATRIOT Act for short. I like it.

Teyla: Major, they’re installing cameras in my room!
Sheppard: Well, that’s just a necessary security precaution.
Teyla: Then why is no other Athosian receiving cameras in the shower?
Sheppard: Well, that’s just... hey, I didn’t order that! It must have been… the Puddlejumper.
Teyla: Why do you say that?
Sheppard: His favorite show is Enterprise, and his favorite character has a creepy CGI smile. Sound Phlox Alert!

Halling: Well, I must say I’m looking forward to you making friends with my people. Now, where should we start getting aquainted with each other’s cultures? Love, politics, religion, sport?
Bates: Where were you on the night of May 23, 2005?
Halling: I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Bates: Was that a dodge?
Halling: Well, I didn’t think so; it was more of a--
Bates: HOW MANY LIGHTS DO YOU SEE, HALLING? HOW MANY?!

Athosian Person #1: So, we will be restricted to quarters, and some of us will be detained for 24 hours, but then others of us will get sent to a prison camp on the mainland for years on end without charges?
Teyla: A temporary precaution, I assure you. And the International Committee of the Red Cross will have full and continuous access to the prison camp.
Athosian Person #2: Would someone explain to me again why we all have to wear these yellow stars?

Teyla: Hey. My people are talking about leaving Atlantis.
Weir: Great. Should put less of a strain on our food supply.
Teyla: That wasn’t exactly the response I was looking for.

Ford: Look! Land! Let’s name it… Fordland.
Sheppard: I outrank you, so it is hereby named Sheppardland.
Puddlejumper: And I’m flying the ship, so the name is Dahkur Province until further notice.

Bates: Doctor Weir, I think I may have come up with a Final Solution for the Athosian problem. We send them all to a… camp on the mainland. The jumper has already christened the refuge, “Gallitep.”

Weir: Gee, Halling, now that we’ve discovered land, what do you want to do tonight?
Halling, The same thing we do every night, Doctor... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Weir: It’s uninhabited.
Halling: Don’t interrupt!

Control Guy: Annnnnnd Welcome Back to this tenth, exciting round of tense stealth competition between the Evil Wraith...
Audience: BOOOOO!
Control Guy: And Our Very Own... Clowns!
Audience: YAAAAAY!
Control Guy: Today is the fateful day when we see if the heavily favored Wraith can finally put down the clear underdogs, the men that just won’t go away, those spunky humans! Let’s turn to my control room companion, Peter Grodin, for the color commentary...
Sheppard: Whatever happened to “Chevron One Encoded?”

(five minutes later)

Sheppard: Ahhhh! We're under attack! We're under attack! (Zap!) Blargahn.
Beckett: I don’t know... looks like it might be a persistent vegetative state to me.
Sheppard: Shlargahn! (whips out weapon and aims it at Beckett)
Beckett: That was purely reflexive.
Weir: No, the poor diction, the aggression, the general daring stupidity, it all adds up... the Major is in perfect health.

Bates: Well, I suppose the only way we’ll know for certain if Teyla is a spy is if she calls in and tries to get through the gate by saying Ford is wounded and the Wraith are attacking them.
Weir: Indubitably.
Teyla: (over comm) You’ve got to let me through the gate! Ford is wounded and the Wraith are attacking us!
Weir: Drop the shield.
Bates: What?
Weir: My horoscope said that I would not go to a fast food place today. It also said to trust my friends. The first part came true, so obviously the second will as well.
Bates: But there isn’t a Bob’s Big Boy for more lightyears than... No. Just... never mind.

Teyla: How did you know I was innocent? Faith? Trust? Friendship?
Weir: No. I just realized that we were looking for a mole. It was simple dumb luck that you confided in me last week that your necklace was made up of exactly 6.022 x 10^23 atoms.

Sheppard: We’re back! Not meaning anything by it! Just wandering around on the surface of a planet not doing anything!
Wraith: Wow. You’re dumber than we thought.
Sheppard: Not quite! (zap!)
Teyla: You’re not going to mention that your plan really was just to come back here, wait for the Wraith to show up, and give them a note explaining that we had figured out how they were tracking us, are you?

Sheppard: How are we feeling today?
Steve the Wraith: I hate you.
Sheppard: Careful with that attitude or I’ll have to refer you to Counselor Troi.
Steve the Wraith: (face scrunches up) FOOOOOOOOOOORD!

(Sheppard places a Collect call to Troi through Project Pathfinder but Reg Barclay tells him to go away at Ludicrous Speed, thus quickly putting an end to a potentially dangerous plotline.)

THE END

DISCLAIMER: Meh. Who reads the FMSG forum anyways? I mean, other than you, Nate.
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:34 AM
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Well, your disclaimer sure gave me a chuckle, I'll admit that.

Why have appearances by the meta-cast before they formally introduced themselves, then failed to do anything more with them?

Good mol joke.

(It's 5MSG, not FMSG)
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Old 06-02-2010, 03:00 PM
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The horoscope scene is silly.
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Old 06-10-2010, 03:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NAHTMMM View Post
The horoscope scene is silly.
I think it was a deliberate comment on the logic Weir actually used in the episode, which, if I am recalling this correctly, was equally bizarre and self-contradicting.

Otherwise, it's just a very, very weird joke.
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