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Old 12-25-2017, 03:32 AM
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Nate the Great Nate the Great is offline
Knate airrant
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Entry Nine, "Into the Fire"

MAKEPEACE: SG-1 has been taken prisoner by Hathor. There's a Tok'ra spy inside her fake SGC.
HAMMOND: I'm sending all the teams we have to rescue them.
DAVIS: I think not.
HAMMOND: I think so.

Yikes, could that have been written better. A villain speech for Davis or something.

HATHOR: So which of you will become the new host?
SG-1: Umm....er....
HATHOR: Enough! O'Neill will become the new host.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.

No rock, paper, scissors joke? This is years before Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, but even the vanilla game has punchline potential.

TEAL'C: Hi Bra'tac.
BRA'TAC: Hi Teal'c. The people are in a panic for fear that Klorel will return to reenslave them.
TEAL'C: That's a problem for a future episode. This time I need to raise an army to help my friends.
BRA'TAC: Oh goody.

Should've used something more formal than "Hi" for the Jaffa. Bra'tac needed a better punchline, too.

HATHOR: Say hello to your new bodymate.
O'NEILL: Do I have to? Ouch!
RAULLY: The cryo-tank will destroy the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Kinda figured that. Now only am I a main character, I'm the main character.
RAULLY: I really wish we weren't allied with you.

For that matter, I should've rewritten this whole thing from scratch, it's not very good. Raully needed a stronger punchline, amongst other deficiencies.

MAKEPEACE: Hi Captain. Where's Jack?
CARTER: He's a new host.
MAKEPEACE: Drat. Oh well, guess we'd better abandon him and run for our lives.
CARTER: Works for me. Maybe I'll finally take over SG-1 now.
MAKEPEACE: We've lost contact with the team that's guarding the Gate!
CARTER: Drat.
DANIEL: Since Teal'c isn't here I'll say 'Indeed' for him.

"He's a new host"? That's bad grammar. "He's the newest Goa'uld host" or "He's hosting an unwelcome guest" or similar.

MAKEPEACE: Oh, goody, an energy barrier.
CARTER: Think we could dig under it?
MAKEPEACE: Nope.
CARTER: Then I guess we need to find some Tok'ra tunnels that lead back inside.
MAKEPEACE: Here it is! How did you know that?
CARTER: I read the script.

I do resort to the "read the script" joke too often...

HAMMOND: I'm going to send them reenforcements.
DAVIS: I think not. And this time the president thinks not, too.
HAMMOND: Drat.

Really should've made Davis more of a bad guy, thrown in some maniacal laughter.

CARTER: I'm going to go blow up the shield generator!

And? So? But? Therefore? Single-line scenes are to be avoided when possible.

TEAL'C: The Goa'uld are not gods. Now that I've futilely tried to destroy your religion, who wants to be in my army?
CROWD: Not me. See ya!
HAMMOND: I'll be in your army.
TEAL'C: What are you doing here?
HAMMOND: That's a long story best told offscreen.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This scene doesn't need to exist, cut it to make room for more jokes elsewhere.

CARTER: Hi Jack. The Goa'uld's dead.
O'NEILL: Great.
HATHOR: I will destroy you!
O'NEILL: I think not. (He tips her into the cryo-tank) Now that's a serious case of freezer burn.
CARTER: You had to say it, didn't you?
O'NEILL: They didn't let me in the original episode.
CARTER: Whatever. Let's go.

That's better.

BRA'TAC: Look at this ancient glider that's just small enough to fit through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Are you sure?
BRA'TAC: Yes.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This one needs more fleshing out.

CARTER: There's the shield generator. And it's right behind the fake Stargate!
O'NEILL: OK, who didn't see that coming? Let's set up the explosive and go.

Zzzzz......

O'NEILL: Before you guys start killing each other, I think you should know I killed Hathor.
TROFSKY: Yeah, right.
O'NEILL: Hey, look at that big glider! We're saved!
HAMMOND: Hi.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Since Hammond is from Texas, I should've had him use "Howdy" whenever possible.
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