The Grmphnyacken Times - Pie Study Publishes Conclusions

[PointyHairedJedi]

Five-Minute.Net May Be Linked To Rising Obesity Levels, British Researchers Warn

Can fivers make you fat? This is the startling question posed by a report that was published yesterday by a research group after an intensive year-long study. The group, based at an Oxford university (you know, one of those really posh ones), had originally been studying the statistical correlations between the consumption of alcohol and the consumption of kebabs and other such takeaway foods by means of rigorous field analysis, but but abandoned the study in favour of looking into the effects of fivers on appetite and weight gain after stumbling on Five-Minute.Net's website one night whilst drunk.

“We'd just come back from our latest statistics gathering expedition to the local pub and Indian takeaway, only to discover that the telly was on the blink,” explains Dr. Martin Hibbley-Smith, as we both sit in his comfortably appointed office, trying to ignore the muffled explosions coming at irregular intervals from the chemistry lab across the way. “So, whilst attempting to settle a bet by looking up the specifics of 'Dalek sex' on Google, we came across this fascinating site, Five-Minute.Net. Now, of course, being very tired and emotional, we none of us took more than a cursory glance at it at that point, but later one the next day, whilst I was hiding from the Dean in my office, I remembered it, and intrigued, investigated further. Needless to say, I was astounded by what I found.”

What he found astounded him. Though ostensibly a parody site, working on the unique principle of condensing episodes of various television shows, films, and other media into textural parodies one-twelfth their original length, it also contained numerous references to food, and in particular, pie. There are four thousand, six hundred and ninety-eight references in total, and the number goes up daily. These include:

Horta: (writes) "No Kill Pie." ...I mean, "I."
Kirk: I would never kill pie! It's so sweet and squishy....
Horta: No, "I." It says, "No Kill I."
Kirk: ...especially pecan pie. It has two words that start with "P", and -- I don't think it understands me, Spock. Analysis.
- Five-Minute “The Devil in the Dark”

Tucker: Mmmmmm, pie. Want some?
T'Pol: N--
Tucker: Get your own! Nobody shares my pie.
T'Pol: Oh, shut your pie hole.
- Five-Minute “Breaking the Ice”

Spock: Here creature creature creature...
Creature: Yeah, like I'm gonna fall for that.
Spock: I've got some pie for you.
Creature: Oooh... pie!
- Five-Minute “Operation: Annihilate!”

Picard: It really sucks that my family's all dead.
Troi: Your family history means a lot to you, doesn't it?
Picard: Yes, I remember learning about the Picard that won all the pie-eating contests, the Picard that crossdressed, the Picard that slept with his best friend's wife and had a son named Wesley....
- Five-Minute “Star Trek Generations”

This ingrained culture of pie seems to be mostly thanks to one math nerd, Colin “Zeke” Hayman, who is the webmaster of 5MN, and is rumoured to have links to the often controversial Church of Pientology. This link was later to become a very important part of the Oxford group's conclusions, but at that time, Dr. Hibbley-Smith and his colleagues dismissed the link as irrelevant.

Talking to one of those colleagues, Dr. Wilfred Womble, I learned just how the study came to be set up. “Martin came to us with these really amazing figures on this website. Amazing, man. They were just awesome. Where was I? Oh yeah, the figures. So, taking as a given that this was deliberate – how could it not be? - we set ourselves to thinking of a possible motive behind it. After much hard though, lubricated by some truly awesome beer – when I say awesome, I'm not exaggerating, I can tell you – we came to the inevitable conclusion that we had no idea whatsoever. So we set up the study, and given that too much pie makes you fat, we thought: why not? Ah, are you going for another round? Mine's a pint, thanks.”

So, the study was set up thusly – for one whole year, one group of volunteers, three times a week, was asked to sit for half an hour and read randomly picked fivers. Afterwards, they were then offered pie, and could have as much as they wanted. A second group, the control, were kept in tiny cages, and also read random fivers for half an hour three times a week. Afterwards they were asked if they wanted pie, and if they replied positively, were administered electric shocks (although naturally they soon enough learned not to, apart from a few persistent cases).

After twelve months, the results were clear. The first group had gained weight so dramatically that they were no longer in many cases able to move under their own motive power. The control group, by contrast, had actually lost weight. The result of the study was clear enough: reading fivers could under some circumstances actually encourage obesity, but the question remained – why?

“Subliminal messaging is the only reasonable explanation,”says Dr. Hibbley-Smith. “For whatever nefarious reason, Colin Hayman is encouraging those with easy access to pie, who are already a vulnerable group to begin with, to gorge themselves silly and become grossly fat. By the way, this steak and kidney pie is lovely. Are you certain you don't want any?”

Our story does not end there, however. Just last week the FDA and the FBI launched a joint investigation into the activities of the Church of Pientology and those associated with it. A source from within the FDA revealed to us exclusively that there is a very real concern by the government that Pientologists are planning on taking over the entire North American continent by a scheme of making it's inhabitants so unhealthy that they will be unable to oppose the Pientologists when they do finally make their bid for power. Even more interestingly, it is thought that Colin Hayman might be one of the masterminds behind this scheme. Although there is no direct evidence to support this yet, given his involvement in the 2002 attempt to eliminate the word “the” from all acronyms, it does not seem an unreasonable assumption to make. That particular plot was foiled by the timely intervention of several time travellers from the future, but if this threat is as the US Government believes credible, will we be so fortunate this time? Only pie will tell. Err, time. Only time will tell.

[Xeroc]

HilPiearious! Er, Hilarious. ... Yeah.

[whoiam]

lol, this was an Oxford Brookes study, wasn't it? (you know, the *other* Oxford Uni)

This article has logical holes in it big enough to drive a Pie through. Um, truck through. Yes...

Anyway, I propose the following measures:

A) Do not let Mary Sue Scrivener or Robert Beltran hear of this

B) Blame the weight gain on the Dark Side's attempts to discredit Zeke after he rejected them.

C) Live in denial. Suliban mystics are available for all those needing lessons in this fine art.

[richardson]

I feel the rejection of Pie...

It comes from *Thwack!* Ow! Yodck, quit that! *Thwack.* No, Pie is not from the dark side! *Twa-wack* Of course the sith lords nor the Sulliban invented it, it was created my Aunt May!

Now, as I was saying before so rudely interrupted by a figm *Thwack!* okay, I'll just get it over with!

I believe this threat to Pie comes from outside the Fiver. We must stand ready, for the un-fiver prepare to annialate all. *Thong! Richardson falls over from a frying pan to the head, and gets dragged off....*

[Alexia]

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA XD

Nothin' wrong with excessive pie consumption :wink: :mrgreen:

To conclude, mmm...pie.

[Opium]

Wonderfully funny article But...

I'm afraid that study is wrong.

What 5MV really does in encourage use to eat more fruit, beans, and protein.

Think about it...what's in pie, chilli, and cheese? Fruit, beans, and protein!

That's right, 5MV is actually linked to healthier eating :twisted:

[PointyHairedJedi]

Doesn't that kind of ignore the fat content of said foodstuffs though?

I expect the Church of Pientology will send it's lawyers after me soon enough - we all know what they're like, after all.

[Chancellor Valium]

I see. I think we should encourage the hurling of batter puddings.

Anyway, everyone knows the obesity thing is *whirls and points finger at richardson* his fault!
:mrgreen:

[PointyHairedJedi]

Admit it, you're just blaming him for random things now, aren't you.

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by PointyHairedJedi

Admit it, you're just blaming him for random things now, aren't you.

Well what do you expect? Continuity is a complex thing, y'know..

[richardson]

*Is surprised valium doesn't blame him for kidnapping himself.*


*Yodck steps in as spokesperson.* Illogical you are, hmm? Point fingers at innocent, even when they are kidnapped you do. Perhaps you be one who stole him.

Nothing to do with Pie fatness he does. He has no control over the gluttony program he recently found embedded in people's brains.

Stupid you are! The power of the Pie shall convince you of the truth! *Throws a HP! (Haggis Pie)*

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by richardson

*Is surprised valium doesn't blame him for kidnapping himself.*


*Yodck steps in as spokesperson.* Illogical you are, hmm? Point fingers at innocent, even when they are kidnapped you do. Perhaps you be one who stole him.

Nothing to do with Pie fatness he does. He has no control over the gluttony program he recently found embedded in people's brains.

Stupid you are! The power of the Pie shall convince you of the truth! *Throws a HP! (Haggis Pie)*

And that's why lesser species should *not* be allowed access to time travel capabilities

[richardson]

oooh? Smart think yourself? Just because you been around 2000 years smart, makes you it does, hmmm?

*Thwacks him several dozen time.* Then restrict all advancement and the normal course of the multiverse, you are! Anyone with half-decent warp drive and star can time-travel, yes! Stupid you are, thinking to stop it! Stop it will not happen! *Flibbles Vallium* Most illogical indeed you are!


(I love the yodck persona...*

[whoiam]

*sighs* From now on, I'm charging for those random thoughts of mine...

[Asky]

I think I'll stick with my nice, non-fattening (but just as tasty) pie...er...pi

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by richardson

oooh? Smart think yourself? Just because you been around 2000 years smart, makes you it does, hmmm?

*Thwacks him several dozen time.* Then restrict all advancement and the normal course of the multiverse, you are! Anyone with half-decent warp drive and star can time-travel, yes! Stupid you are, thinking to stop it! Stop it will not happen! *Flibbles Vallium* Most illogical indeed you are!


(I love the yodck persona...*

*blocks thwacking with telekinesis, stabs Yodck fatally*
Warp technology does not allow for time travel. It allows for movement into parallel universes, of which, the chances of success are around 16%, and the chance of return to your own, less than 1%.

Also, I've been around more like 400,000 years, and spent most of my time erasing people like you from continuity . Why do you think no-one hears about Captain Henry Cato James, of the starship Earth's Pride? Or T'Pu? Or the legendary Hatriss, founder of modern Klingon society, and officially still High Knitter-of-Socks?


Also, the Laws of Time specifically bar us from disabling a people from developing any technology aside from overt time travel.
Also, my name has only one "l"

[richardson]

Okay then, if you want to play it like that! *Has stepped in from the future, and lets Yodck step down.* Sorry about the hold-up. My future self wanted to give me a few important reminders for you.

First off, you seem to have either not yet discovered or have forgotten that I am supposed to be the hero in some big conflict, supposedly lasting for the next thousand years or so. I go, the entire universe is destroyed or something like that.

Second, he also gave me a note concerning your mother, and some rather embarrasing names she called you. Any further attempts on my life/liberty, and they will be distributed in the entire timeline/universe by my future self.

Thirdly, because there is a future me, it means that I'll win in the end, and you might as well quit now.

*secretly disconnects the power cables to Valium's time-drive, then walks away whistling "I will go a-sailing."*

[Chancellor Valium]

Okaayy.
No. 1) There is no major war lasting the next thousand years, save the Great Time War, and you ain't a Dalek or a Time Lord, so you ain't gonna be a hero in it. The war I think you are referring to is the Great Crusade against the Human-Form Replicators, which never happened due to the Quantum Uncertainty Principle, and a little nudging from the White Guardian...The only other war which will last a thousand years is the Sith War which ends on Ruusan, and if you get involved in that, you will be killed horribly by the Darth Bane Experiment. The Matrix has predicted it.

No. 2) I am a Time Lord, and have no mother, dum-dum
Also, your crude attempts at time travel won't allow you into my timeline, which part of the "I am a Time Lord, invulnerable to attack on my time-line, as a Lord of Time I have vastly more control than your crude machines can ever give you" speechifying do you not understand?

No. 3) So you have a future self. Congrats, you must be very proud. You seem not to understand the idea of being erased from all time. That means that you will have never existed. Either face trial, or we do it to you anyhow

No. 4) My TARDIS has no "Time-Drive". In order to stop me from catching you, you'd effectively have to destroy the Eye of Harmony. And since the Eye of Harmony is both in my TARDIS and on Gallifrey, and Gallifrey is outside time...good luck

Yeesh, try and come up with some knowledge of my race before threatening me with impossibilities, or I'll feed you to the Hipporhinostricow
In any case, you have no chance to survive, mucking up time.

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Chancellor Valium

No. 5) You have no chance to survive, mucking up time.

That is by far the funniest thing I've read today.

[whoiam]

Who else votes for a dedicated RP forum? Or at the very least, a group effort to buy richardson a Miles O'Brien mask?