Block 13 - I know kung fu

[Zeke]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]As Neo continues absorbing martial arts, Morpheus arrives for the next stage of the training. He brings Neo with him into a simulated dojo with the same "rules" as the Matrix, and they spar to test his new skills. Neo shows exceptional talent (as the rest of the crew sees on the monitors), but can't actually penetrate Morpheus' defenses at first; with the right encouragement, however, he manages to land a blow. Morpheus then changes the scene to a skyscraper roof, from which he leaps to the next building (Ã la Trinity in the film's opening). He tells Neo to do the same, and while the new recruit gives it a real effort, he loses faith and plummets to the rubberized street below. Even though no one has ever grabbed the hat -- er, made the jump on the first attempt, the rest of the crew had gotten their hopes up and are clearly disappointed. After they've left, Neo is unplugged and finds blood on his lip; he's confused, since Morpheus had told him the Matrix wasn't real, but he explains that "Your mind makes it real." (See also "Things Past.") This means, as an added bonus, that death inside the Matrix means death outside it too.

Synopsis here and here. Aim for two scenes, three at most.[/color:post_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I really need to read ahead.


[quoteost_uid0]< Insert optional floaty fighter practice droid scene here, with or without a disbelieving Solo. All I can remember is "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." >

Morpheus: [iost_uid0]Wheeee![/iost_uid0]
Neo: Whoa! No way I'm trying that. See ya. Computer, exit Holodeck.
[iost_uid0](the door opens, on the rooftop on which Morpheus is standing.)[/iost_uid0]
Neo: Oh, wonderful. Now I'll never get out of here.
Morpheus: Come on, Neo. Do it. [iost_uid0]ahem[/iost_uid0] Morpheus says to jump across the dizzying chasm.
Neo: Fine, I, I guess I'll try--
Morpheus: No! Do, or do not. There is no try.
Neo: I'm confused. Are you channeling Obi-Wan or Yoda? Here goes. [iost_uid0]Whee[/iost_uid0]--Oh crud, I'm doomed. Gak!

Neo: Ptui! Wha...? ...I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
Morpheus: That is why you fail. But also why you survive.[/quoteost_uid0][/colorost_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]*Sa'ar digs in the wastebin of discarded jokes*

Let's try this one here:

Morpheus: C'mon, my grandmother can hit harder than this.
Neo: All right, you asked for it. HAAAAIIII-wha? Why's everything blue?
Morpheus: You tried to do too many things at once and crashed the program. Touch your nose, eye and ear to reboot.

People: Stuff.
Neo: I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! I'm king of the world! Woo-hoo! I'm gonna...oh, craaaaaaaaaa *splorch!* ((very tiny font)) Ouch.

Preceding lines and Neo crowing in delight as he leaps can be pretty much anything, but I'm fond of a very tiny "ouch" echoing up from the street below. Or possibly "Damn gravity."

On a more cartoonish theme (yes, the last one was cartoonish as well, and this is more cartoonish)

Morpheus: Here, you'll need these.
Neo: A tiny umbrella and a sign that says "Oops"?
Morpheus: See you at the bottom...I mean, other side.
Neo: Not helping.

Watching the fight on the monitors:
Random person: Anyone bring popcorn?[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Here's a scene that could be cut-and-patched into the final version:

[quoteost_uid0]Morpheus: Hurry up and leap over the insanely wide street to the top of this building already.
Neo: Yikes! Can I at least turn into Frog Mario first?
Morpheus: No.
Neo: Bunny Mario?
Morpheus: No.
Neo: Drat.[/quoteost_uid0][/colorost_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Morpheus: Defying the laws of gravity in the Matrix is easy, Neo. You can simply stroll out into thin air, like so.
Neo: Like this?
Morpheus: Yes. You just have to remember never to look down.
Neo: Never what?
Morphues: Look down.
Neo: Oh, sh--*distant splat*[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]^That's probably the best bit yet for this block. It's certainly shorter than my first attempt.

[quoteost_uid0]Morpheus: [iost_uid0]Smack![/iost_uid0] It's easy to fight in the Matrix, Neo. Try it--take a swing at me.
Neo: Sure, no problem.
Morpheus: Ha, you missed! And you missed again! Hohoho, you're awful.
Neo: Grr, this is frustrating. Can we go do something else already?
Morpheus: No! When you can smack me upside the head, it will be time for you to leave. Until then, we stay here.
Neo: Can I at least go get a drink at that water fountain over there?
Morpheus: (turns to look) What water fountain? There shouldn't be any in this pro--
[iost_uid0]Smack![/iost_uid0]
Neo: Ha! Neo 1, Morpheus 1!
Morpheus: Grr... All right, you asked for it. On to the Broad Jump of Doom!

Morpheus: It's easy to defy gravity in the Matrix, Neo. Â Try it--stroll out into thin air, like I just did.
Neo: Like this?
Morpheus: Yes. Â You just have to remember never to look down.
Neo: Never what?
Morphues: Look down.
Neo: Oh, sh--*distant splat*[/quoteost_uid0][/colorost_uid0]

[Zeke]

[quoteost_uid0="Sa'ar Chasm"][color=#000000ost_uid0]Morpheus: Yes. Â You just have to remember never to look down.
Neo: Never what?
Morphues: Look down.
Neo: Oh, sh--*distant splat*[/colorost_uid0][/quoteost_uid0]
[color=#000000ost_uid0]That's eerie... you'll soon see why.[/colorost_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0]That's eerie... you'll soon see why.[/quoteost_uid0]

Reading your mind again, am I?

This is the bit I was saving my Blue Screen of Death gag for. If it can be rewritten to make it funnier, so much the better. I wasn't in my best form when I posted it initially in this thread.[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0]Morpheus: Nyah nyah, you can't hit me!
Neo: Oh yeah? [iost_uid0](Punch)[/iost_uid0]
Morpheus: Ha! Missed me!
Neo: No fair, you're not supposed to move! Take [iost_uid0]this[/iost_uid0]! [iost_uid0](Punch-punch-kick)[/iost_uid0]
[iost_uid0]Rumble[/iost_uid0]
Neo: Yikes! What happened? I'm frozen in position and I can't see anything except this painfully bright blueness!
Morpheus: Keep calm and wait. Somebody must have tried to print something. Just hold still until someone reboots our hard drive.[/quoteost_uid0]

With the option of tacking this on as an ending:
[quoteost_uid0]Neo: Well, at least I can still speak. Hey, I know! I can save us both from boredom by singing a song. "[insert some awful song here, like the Barney song or something]..."
Morpheus: AARRGH! That's it, you are so going to go down. Literally.
Neo: Eep![/quoteost_uid0][/colorost_uid0]

[NeoMatrix]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Morpheus: Yes. You just have to remember never to look down.
Neo: Never what?
Morphues: Look down.
Neo: Oh, sh--*Neo Falls*
*Blue Screen Appears*
Neo: Whoa, saved by the blue screen
Morpheus: That can't be possible. You must be the One.[/colorost_uid0]

[Kira]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Here's my first contribution. Â I like the [iost_uid0]Titanic[/iost_uid0] bit, so I used it. Â (The "Don't look down" bit is also good.)

[bost_uid0]Morpheus:[/bost_uid0] Neo, here is your next lesson. Â You must jump between these two buildings.
[bost_uid0]Neo:[/bost_uid0] Whoa.
[bost_uid0]Morpheus:[/bost_uid0] It's easy -- watch.
(Morpheus jumps the buildings)
[bost_uid0]Neo:[/bost_uid0] Who do you think I am, Superman?
[bost_uid0]Morpheus:[/bost_uid0] I certainly hope not.
[bost_uid0]Neo:[/bost_uid0] Well, here goes... I'm the king of the woooooorrrrrrllll-- (SPLAT! )
[bost_uid0]Trinity:[/bost_uid0] His landing could use work. What do you guys think? Â 6.5?
[bost_uid0]Tank:[/bost_uid0] 6.0. Â That [iost_uid0]Titanic[/iost_uid0] ripoff was terrible.

[bost_uid0]Neo:[/bost_uid0] What kind of lesson was that?
[bost_uid0]Morpheus:[/bost_uid0] It wasn't. Â I just thought watching you swan dive off a skyscraper would be funny.
[bost_uid0]Neo:[/bost_uid0] Hey... I'm bleeding. Â I thought you said this was just a big video game?
[bost_uid0]Morpheus:[/bost_uid0] It is. Â We just haven't cracked the cheat code for unlimited lives yet.

(To understand the Superman reference, go here.)[/colorost_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0]Neo: Well, here goes... I'm the king of the woooooorrrrrrllll-- (SPLAT! )
[/quoteost_uid0]

Distant splat. It has to be distant splat. This is a really tall building, and I think it's funnier as distant splat (but we all know my sense of humour operates on a different wavelength).[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0="Sa'ar Chasm"][quoteost_uid0]Neo: Well, here goes... I'm the king of the woooooorrrrrrllll-- (SPLAT! )
[/quoteost_uid0]

Distant splat. Â It has to be distant splat.[/quoteost_uid0]
I concur. The distant splat [iost_uid0]would[/iost_uid0] work better if it were caused by a tall scrawny bluish bird dashing up to stand behind Neo (the story Neo, not our Neo ) and do a poor imitation of a car horn, but we'll have to make do with what we have.

Anyone else have any thoughts? Anyone?[/colorost_uid0]

[Zeke]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]The response level in these threads sure fluctuates, doesn't it?[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0="Zeke"]The response level in these threads sure fluctuates, doesn't it?[/quoteost_uid0]
I guess the most obvious jokes (and some of them are obvious enough to get stuck in your head) have already been tried. :S About the only other possibilities that occur to me are
--Neo treating the road like a big trampoline and
--an Indiana Jones version of the skyscraper scene

I like the majority of the submissions so far. A not-so-lame version of my third-to-last post is possibly my favorite right now. Maybe something like this:

[quoteost_uid0]Morpheus: [iost_uid0]*Smack!*[/iost_uid0] I'm going to show you how easy it is to fight in the Matrix, Neo. Try it--take a swing at me.
Neo: Sure, no problem.
Morpheus: Ha, you missed! And you missed again! Hohoho, you're awful.
Neo: Grr, this is frustrating. I'm getting thirsty. Mind if I go get a drink at that water fountain over there?
Morpheus: (turns to look) What water fountain? There shouldn't be any in this progr--
Neo: [iost_uid0]*Smack!*[/iost_uid0] Ha! Neo 1, Morpheus 1!
Morpheus: Grr... That's it, you're going down. [iost_uid0]*Way*[/iost_uid0] down.

Morpheus: For this lesson, I'll show you how easy it is to defy gravity in the Matrix, Neo. Â Try it--stroll off the top of this skyscraper into thin air, like I just did.
Neo: Like this?
Morpheus: Yup, easy as pie. Â You just have to remember to never look down.
Neo: Never what?
Morpheus: Look down.
Neo: Oh, sh--*distant splat*[/quoteost_uid0]
For a third section, we could finish up with either Kira's last scene or this:
[quoteost_uid0]Morpheus: Heheh, gets 'em every time.
Neo: Owies. Did that smack [iost_uid0]*really*[/iost_uid0] call for such painful retaliation?
Morpheus: Well, I was hoping to ruin your appetite too. A fresh shipment of red M&M's just came in today and I don't want anyone getting into my stash.[/quoteost_uid0]


I'm kinda partial to my SW version too, but that's just me. Kira's and NeoMatrix's are also good.[/colorost_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I vote for my version of 14 July 2003, 11:01 (for obvious reasons) or for Kira's version (for slightly less obvious reasons).[/colorost_uid0]

[Michiel]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I like your cartoony one, actually.[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Or how about something like:

[modifying from several sources]

Morpheus: It's easy to defy gravity here. You just have to remember never to look down.
Neo: Never what?
Morphues: Look down.
Neo: Oh, sh--
Morpheus: Miss the ground, Neo! MISS THE GROUND!
Neo: *splat*[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Is it just me, or is it really, really quiet down here?







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...









...










...



:very slowly, reaches for her gun and whips around expecting to see something behind her:

This gives me the creeps.[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Either of the two Sa'ar last mentioned would be fine with me, as would a version of my last attempt. I would prefer mine or Kira's, since they (attempt) to take more advantage of the possibilities; but if we're on a pace to wind up with a tenner instead of a fiver, Sa'ar's version is good too.

That being said...
*drops a penny and comes back an hour later to find that the echoes still haven't faded away*[/colorost_uid0]