Five-Minute "Hide and Seek"

[Wowbagger]

Again, some of the material in here is dated--these were written when Enterprise was on the verge of cancellation--and some of it is just plain sucky. But there are good jokes, too.


Five-Minute “Hide and Seek”
By Wowbagger

McKay: Are the genes ready?
Beckett: Ironed, washed, pressed, dried, and bleached.
McKay: Not in that order, I hope. Should I mind the ketchup stain on the left knee?
Beckett: Of course not. Ancient genes are far more robust than our own.

McKay: Wow, I feel powerful! Let’s test this thing out! Major, would you do me a favor and shoot me in the leg?
Sheppard: Any time.

Meta-Weir: At last, the real title sequence. Cool.
Meta-McKay: You realize we can’t really do too much with these "meta"-scenes now that we’re out of the pilot episodes.
Meta-Weir: Well, we can always make fun of actor’s names. Like Rainbow Sun Francks.
Meta-McKay: Or Torri Higgenson.
Meta-Weir: Oh, yeah, that’s a great--HEY!

Weir: You irresponsible twerp.
McKay: Great. Now you’ve spawned the first Atlantis slash genre: M/W.
Weir: You’re seeing things. And that’s W/M to you.
Beckett: It’s not his fault, anyhow. It’s mine. To facilitate the gene reaction, I used--I’m sorry—drugs imported from Canada.
McKay: I am Canadian!
Beckett: Oh. Well, then, I blame your blood.

Jinto: Here we are again, doing exactly what our father said we shouldn’t, just like last week.
Wex: Hey... doesn’t my character turn out to be a main cast member in disguise?
Jinto: You’re mixing franschises again, Wex.
Wex: You’re right, of course. *leg stops shimmering gold*
Jinto: GUK!

Halling: Dr. Weir! Dr. Weir! Jinto is missing!
Weir: Excellent. Mr. Grodin... Send in The Clowns.

Sheppard: *leading a crack team of rifle-bearing soldiers wearing large red noses* Nothing down here, ma’am. Nice job with the new t-shirts, though. I especially like the motto. Where’d you get it?
Weir: Trust me, it wasn’t hard to come up with, “Don’t bother; they’re here.”

Grodin: I’ve got it. The monster feeds off energy sources.
Puddlejumper: TOS 48, TNG 190, et. al.!
Ford: Are you seriously going to do that every time we borrow a plot element or two?
Puddlejumper: Only when you don't even bother to rewrite the technobabble.

Jinto: Hi! I released the monster, but I also found this really cool teleporter!
Halling: My son, I am so pleased to see you alive, well, and quickly earning a name for yourself among these strange people.
Sheppard: Yeah, and that name is Wesley Crusher.

Ford: Ah! The monster has doubled back on us! We’re trapped! It’s comingggg---GEK!
Puddlejumper: Was that a TOS 26 we just saw?

Meta-Ford: Wha… where am I? McKay?
Meta-McKay: You’re dead. This is the afterlife. And I’m God.
Meta-Ford: But… but…!
Meta-Weir: Don’t worry, Aiden. The universe is not so badly designed.

Weir: Okay, so we need to bait this creature. Rodney, since you’re still wearing the Ancient genes--and wasn’t there anything less ugly in their wardrobe?--why don’t you do it?
Sheppard: I volunteer. Waking up the entire Wraith species last week wasn’t quite enough to satisfy my Macho tooth.

Teyla: Okay, Jinto. You just light this candle and everything will turn out fine.
Halling: (aside) Isn’t the blob drawn towards heat energy?
Teyla: I always wished the creators had killed off Wesley earlier in the series.

Weir: It turns out that lighting a candle scares away the blob.
McKay: Who told you that?
Weir: Our puddlejumper.
Sheppard: (over comm) Hey, the phloxing blob just turned around and went in your direction! He was muttering something about, “Me love candle.”
(pause)
Weir: Jumper, I hate you too.
Puddlejumper: Must... destroy... competition... Trek Nielsens... must... rise...

Blob: All I wanted... was for you to LET ME LOVE YOU!
Ford: Aww... deep down, the blob’s a person just like you and me.
Blob: Actually, I just find you delicious.

McKay: And now, with all hope lost, the blob draining all power from the MALP and the Stargate, I am left with no choice but to be a hero. I expect no reward... GEK!
Blob: The pants! They blind me! I have no choice but to surrender!
Weir: You know, if he keeps pulling insane stunts like that, McKay will be dead by the end of the first season.
Beckett: There’s a George Fabricius quote coming to mind, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

(The Clowns throw pie in Rodney’s face at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff here is copyrighted by Canadians. My intent isn't to infringe on them or their exosites; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the abbreviated version of the universe Zeke created. I don't think he'd mind. Especially not after the pecan pie bribe.