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Five-Minute "Rising I + II"
I wrote these... oh, years ago, now. Very little editing, but I have fivers for the first seven episodes of Atlantis. I tried getting them published, but Zeke and I have email issues, and, frankly, I think he realized they sucked and was tactfully attempting to lose them.
But I don't care anymore! There are no recent updates to the sites, these fivers are just collecting dust, and I had a hard day today. I hope you don't mind the 5MSG forum clutter. So here's your first. Even if unrefined, I hope it's worth a laugh or two at times. Five-Minute “Rising” By Wowbagger Several Million Years Ago: Woman: You ever wonder why we’re here? Man: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? I mean, why are we here? Are we--? Woman: Shut up. It was rhetorical. Beckett: I am so afraid of this chair. Weir: Great. We were just having problems coming up with B-plots. I’ll sign you up on chair duty for... how’s the rest of the season sound? Daniel Jackson: Cameo! I can’t go with you because I have that whole bit with the Replicators this season, but take a look at this eight-cypher Gate Key. Weir: I count nine. Jackson: McKay! I told you to stop drawing in the Canadian flag and labeling it “The Ultimate Cypher!” Meta-Wier: Hey, look! Our new opening credits. What’s with the helicopter? Meta-McKay: They’re not showing the aising-ray of tlantis-Ay in order to keep it a surprise. Meta-Weir: What? We get to raise Atlantis? Meta-McKay: *sigh* Beckett: So, uh... just what will I be controlling from the chair? McKay: The most powerful weapons in the galaxy. Try not to focus on it too much. Beckett: Okay. Instead, I’ll imagine somthing nice and safe. I’m flying! (explosions are heard as the weapon starts flying) O’Neill: *sigh* Any idea what the forty-seventh thing to try to kill me this week is? Looks a bit like an Ancient drone. Sheppard: No, it’s too small. I wonder what—Holy crap, that thing’s an AIBO! MOVE! McKay: Now would be a good time to turn the chair off. Beckett: Hang on. I’m going to wait until I can get within about one foot of killing the star from the other show. McKay: Good to hear we’re making some lasting relationships with the SG-1 crew. Sheppard: AHHHHHHHH! Aibo #1: Bark! Bark! Bark! GAK! O’Neill: Curmudge, curmudge, curmudge. Sheppard: I find it foreboding how that Aibo is numbered. McKay: All we need is your most powerful device, and we’ll be sure to bring you back some nifty pictures of Ancients and stuff. O’Neill: Not gonna do it. Weir: What if we promise to come back with a large army of extremely powerful aliens close behind us? O’Neill: Oh, well then. Have fun. Beckett: Hey! Major, you turned on the chair! O’Neill: Dang. I always liked being the only one on the SGC who could run this Ancient stuff. *thinks* Say... how would you like to be marooned in a whole ‘nother galaxy...? Weir: Okay, equipment checklist! Bad attitudes! Sheppard and Ford: Check. Weir: Obnoxious yet adorable scientific team! McKay and Beckett: Check. Weir: Technobabble generators, plot diversion fields, forty-seven cases of pie! Sumner: Check. Weir: Enough power to get us home! Luggage Guy: Here’s the last of your pie, sir. You going to tip me with cash? Sumner: Cheque. Weir: Okay, I’d say we’re good to go! Sumner: We seem to be underwater. Weir: Why would Atlantis be underwater? I’m stunned. Station Commander’s Log: Am I allowed to make these? Hologram: If anyone ever comes back here be sure not to use the fridge. I think I left a few salads in there. Also, be sure to feed the Aib--er... dogs, and trash collection is on Thursdays. McKay: Noooo! Power loss! *slide tackles Beckett* McKay: We’re all gonna die without a Zed PM in, like, a day. Sheppard: Canadian lies! We all know that Milo saved Atlantis from the Russians. Power was never a problem. (awkward silence) Weir: ...Major, this isn’t the Disney movie. Sheppard: Sure it isn’t. Look, there’s Milo now. Zelenka: Why are you pointing at me? Sheppard: Hi. We’re here to chat. I’ll be doing most of the talking, because, as it turns out, Colonel Sumner’s first name is Cavit. Teyla: Sweet. You have any catsuit babes over there on Atlantis? Sheppard: Unless you count Dr. Weir... Ford: Ahhh! *tries to tear eyes out* Sheppard: I’ll take that as a no, then... What did you say you wanted for a starting salary? Station Commander’s Log: Oh, right, the log recorder is out of power. I’m just talking to this wall. Which may be a sign of insanity. This Wall: Ya think? Teyla: Here we are in the old hiding place. Flirt with me shamelessly. Sheppard: Okay. You like college football? Teyla: What are you talking about? Sheppard: Just breaking the ice, you know? Teyla: “Breaking the Ice?” From Season One! Gods above, Major, doesn’t your society have any perception of the unspeakable?! Wraith: Who dares discuss cheap imitations of mediocre episodes like “Terra Nova?” Sheppard: Well, I see our galaxies share a common hatred of Bermaga, at least. Wraith: And for creating that monster, we will punish all humanity, everywhere! Die! Sheppard: I don’t suppose we can agree that Manny Coto’s a really cool guy? TO BE CONTINUED...
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Wowbagger Forum Lurker CURRENTLY: I've finally dived into the "let's everybody make a fan film" Kool-Aid. Last edited by Wowbagger; 10-15-2007 at 05:36 AM. |
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