Special Novel "Fiver": New Frontier 1 - 5

[NAHTMMM]

Other than a few of the names and one character trait, I've dashed all of the following off from memory.

This is at least as much a caricature as it is a parody. Probably moreso. And biased. Decidedly biased.

It is quite possible* that the series improved after this point. It is quite probable that I don't care. (Can you tell that I'm peeved? )



*After looking a few details up, this has been downgraded to "quite doubtful".




Off-the-Cuff Special Novel "Fiver": The first 5 books in the New Frontier series

A new crew investigates a bizarre new part of the galaxy, where the hydrogen has been replaced by soap. The bubbles obscure any storyline, but at least the plot that does exist is squeaky-clean.


(On the planet Calhoun.)
M'k'n'zy: PRIMITIVE TRIBAL SOAP OPERA!

(Some years later, at a cafe.)
Picard: Now that your conveniently Anglicizable name has been properly Anglicized, I deem you worthy of commanding this Federation starship. Go, and do Starfleet stuff.
Mackenzie Calhoun: Umm, yeah. Starfleet stuff. How does that work, again?
Picard: Tell you what, I'll give you a few former guest stars to help you figure it out. Deal?
Calhoun: Fine.

(On the Excalibur.)
Ambisexual Engineer: My name is Burgoyne 172. I am dual-gendered, hear me roar!
Selar: It is only logical that I turn my nose up at your emotional displays. Also, what the heck kind of word is "ambisexual"?
Burgoyne 172: Um, the funny kind?

Displaced Nobleman: My name is Si Cwan. Alas for my planet and also my lost sister! Also, I call "no tiger jokes".
Mark McHenry: On the bright side, I get a lot of chicks and, for no apparent reason, am a ridiculously perfect pilot.
Zak Kebron: And I am a pillar of security and stability on this hormone-riddled ship. Emphasis on "pillar".

Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!

Si Cwan: Hey look, it's a Gene Roddenberry referen--
Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Si Cwan: Is that all you two are going to do on this ship?
Burgoyne 172: I also serve to facilitate a change from one awkward set of bisexual pronouns to another.
Selar: And I am the ship's doctor, if you hadn't noticed. Also I seem to be going through pon farr. Er, wait, you didn't hear that last part.

Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Robin Lefler: Lefler's Rule #38: Starships should have more shielding than soap opera. Hint, hint.
Calhoun: (over the comm) Understood. First Officer, Officer Lefler does not wish to be aboard the ship when she deals with her maternal issues. Make a note in the log to set her adrift in an escape pod when the time comes.
Lefler: . . . Wait, what?

First Officer: Oh, right, there's also me. *ahem* Hello, I'm Elizabeth Shelby. You may remember me from such Star Trek installments as "Best of Both Worlds, Part II" and "Best of Both Worlds, Part I". I suppose that, being a recurring character now, I should describe myself more thoroughly. Well, I, um, I've got a thing for my current captain. And I seem to have turned into a stickler for the rules. . . . Yep, that's about it.

(On some planet.)
Citizen: (yelling) You were the Chosen One!
Calhoun: I got better.

(On the Excalibur.)
Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Si Cwan: Excuse me. Aren't we supposed to be trying to stabilize the situation on my planet or something while we're flying around out here?
Lefler: (thinking) He's kinda cute. Alas, I must remain professional and never hint at my feelings . . . . *sigh* Great, now I'm coming down with a case of angst.
Calhoun: Um, you have a planet? Oh, right, I forgot about it with all the hormones floating around. Yeah, maybe we should be. Why do you ask?
Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Lefler: QUIET SOAP OPERA!
Shelby: REFUSAL TO ENGAGE IN SOAP OPERA!
McHenry: *daydreams about the Delaney sisters while performing some fancy-shmancy maneuver*
Ci Kwan: *sigh*

Lefler and mother: SOAP OPERA!
Calhoun: Right, into the escape pod she goes.
Lefler: Eep! Save me, Shere Kh--
Ci Kwan: I said "no tiger jokes"!

(Lefler tries to reconcile with her mother at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END