Heads Up, B5 Fans: The Devil Owns Your Souls! - Startling revelation on 10th anniversary

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][bost_uid0]EARTH[/bost_uid0]— Written by an atheist. Contains religious themes. Sponsored by the Devil.

Longtime fans of the popular sci-fi soap opera [iost_uid0]Babylon Five[/iost_uid0] may be shocked to find out that series creator J. Michael Straczynski sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for putting the show on air.

This fact remained unknown until recently, when fan and certified seer Llisa Hullbt saw the exchange in a dream.

"I saw it, clear as day, as if it was happening before my eyes," said Ms. Hullbt, who lives on Aloparc Island in the Maldives. Â "[JMS] had tried unsuccessfully for a year to convince the network heads to pick up [iost_uid0]Babylon Five[/iost_uid0]. He was quite desperate.

"As a last resort he turned to divine intervention. But God wanted no truck with atheists, so he turned instead to the Devil.

"He said, 'Lucifer, I know these guys are on your payroll. What do I have to do to get them to put my show on air?'

"The Devil replied,'What you ask will be costly, for good programming goes against the edicts of network television, and much work must be undertaken to undo this. '

"JMS said, 'And I am willing to pay any price for it.'

"So the Devil asked him for the souls of all the cast, crew, and other persons who worked on the series. As a bonus, he also asked for the souls of all those who would eventually be fans of the show.

"It was a difficult decision, and [JMS] mulled over it for a long time. But finally he said, "Oh, well. I never really thought much of the wallpaper in Heaven, anyway."

Ms. Hullbt confirmed that the Devil appeared to her immediately after this dream and triumphantly staked claim to her soul.

"He told me that as fans of the show, we would all be going to Hell after we died."

Fan reaction to this news was mixed. Some were unhappy that something so important was kept from them for so long. "All these years I've been trying to lead a straight life, and now you tell me I'm going to Hell anyway? Have you any idea how much sinning I could have done in that time?" asked Waterdaughter, a devoted fan of many years.

Others had more ambivalent feelings towards the revelation. "It figures. After being fans of this series for such a long time, I don't think any of us are innocent enough to be admitted into Heaven anymore," said Leyenn. "We know too much."

There are some who were positively delighted by it. "I mean, that's great," gushed incurable Centauriphile Hobsonphile. "If  every B5 fan who ever was, is and will be is going to end up in Hell someday, Hell's going to be the location of our biggest convention ever! We'll be all over the place! In fact, I predict that within the next few decades, there'll be so many of us that Hell will be [iost_uid0]run[/iost_uid0] by B5 fans."

Some look upon it differently. Selenak, a known and convicted multi-fandom whore mused, "How likely is it that JMS is the [iost_uid0]only[/iost_uid0] series creator for whom it occured to strike a deal with the Devil? Contrary to popular belief, there are quite a number of good, network-television-ethic-opposing shows on air which must also have come into being in a similar way.

"Take the miraculous return of [iost_uid0]Farscape[/iost_uid0], for example. A result of pressure from the fans? I hardly think so. We all know that network execs, having their brains in their asses, are incapable of rendering proper speech, much less comprehending such speech produced by intelligent beings. More likely David Kemper paid a night visit to the Underworld and got the same deal signed with the Devil. [[iost_uid0]Ed: Farscapers, you have been warned.[/iost_uid0]]

"If that is true, then I expect Hell is going to be flooded with fanatics of many different fandoms, all of whom will have different ideas on the way Hell ought to be run. As a result, Hell will most likely end up the battlefield for the bloodiest fandom war ever in the history of Mankind.

"The poor Devil doesn't know what he's in for."

Neither JMS nor Babylonian Productions could be contacted for comment.

---

~~17[/colorost_uid0]

[catalina_marina]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Maybe I should change my mind about "watching B5 whenever it's aired here" [/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Cat, by virtue of being the top poster on thie forum, you're going to Hell anyway. So you might as well enjoy a spot of B5 or two while you're at it. [/colorost_uid0]

[PointyHairedJedi]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I won't mention a certain acronym beginning with T becuase Zeke might not like it if I did. Anyway, it's still funny, and scarily enough, more than likey true. As a Whovian, though, my soul is safe for the moment - it was the Devil (or Michael Grade as he is also known) that got it cancelled in the first place.[/colorost_uid0]

[catalina_marina]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0]Cat, by virtue of being the top poster on thie forum, you're going to Hell anyway.[/quoteost_uid0]
You have a point.

Fine, I'll watch it. First chance I get.[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Who's afraid of the Big Bad T? Not me, not me, not me! *:P @ PHJ*



[iost_uid0]my soul is safe for the moment [/iost_uid0]

But you post on this forum, don't you, PHJ?
Join us... Join us and we will rule Hell together.[/colorost_uid0]

[Zeke]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]ROFL! [iost_uid0]Very[/iost_uid0] good, Taya. The no-guest-TJIs policy may be in need of reexamination... first PHJ sends a good one, now this....[/colorost_uid0]

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]:lol: I'll say it again, 17, it was great...

[quoteost_uid0]As a result, Hell will most likely end up the battlefield for the bloodiest fandom war ever in the history of Mankind.

"The poor Devil doesn't know what he's in for."[/quoteost_uid0]
:lol:[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]::blushes:: Aw, thanks, guys. I feel so... flattered now. [/colorost_uid0]

[Zeke]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]By the way, I think it's interesting that the opening line ("Written by an atheist. Contains religious themes. Sponsored by the Devil.") describes both your article and [iost_uid0]Babylon 5[/iost_uid0] itself.[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Why, gee, I never realized that myself. Interesting!
I wonder. If I go ahead and convert to Wiccanism, does that first line still apply to me? I don't suppose it would.[/colorost_uid0]

[catalina_marina]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Sure it would, because when you wrote it, you were an atheist, so it would still be written by an atheist.[/colorost_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]LOL!

Keep up the mad work, 17, [/colorost_uid0]

[Zeke]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Hey PHJ, why don't you post yours too? The idea never occurred to me, but it's a good compromise. If you don't have a copy, I can send you one.[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[quoteost_uid0="catalina_marina"][color=#000000ost_uid0]Sure it would, because when you wrote it, you were an atheist, so it would still be written by an atheist.[/colorost_uid0][/quoteost_uid0]
[color=#000000ost_uid0]Ah, logic. Something which we hell-bound demons sadly lack.

Or at least, THIS hell-bound demon sadly lacks...[/colorost_uid0]

[PointyHairedJedi]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Ok, it's slightly out of date now, but here it is -

[quoteost_uid0][bost_uid0]Hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction continues[/bost_uid0]

In a shocking move the US government yesterday announced that as part of their ongoing war against terror the films [iost_uid0]Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan[/iost_uid0] and [iost_uid0]Star Trek III: The Search for Spock[/iost_uid0] are to be henceforth banned, and that anything that is in anyway connected with the films or details their content is to be immediately censored.

In a statement given earlier today by Donald Rumsfeld, plans have been laid out for the collection of every recording of the films that exist. A special department in the FBI has been set up to handle the collection. Owners of any copies of the films are to send them in to special heavily guarded collection points, and anyone possessing a copy of either film after the collection period has officially ended at the end of the month will be immediately detained and sent to Camp X-Ray in Cuba where they may remain indefinitely.

Restrictions on the mentioning of the content of the films were announced also, but are still very vague. Descriptions of the filmsÂ’ contents are apparently permitted, but will have to be approved by a censor first.

Little explanation has been given for this move officially, but This Just In can reveal that these drastic steps were taken to prevent any information on a weapon known only as the ‘Genesis Device’ falling in to terrorist hands. The anonymous source this reporter spoke to at the Whitehouse said the weapon had the potential to “cause great destruction on a planetary scale”. When queried about the gross unconstitutionality and complete illegality of such a move, the source merely replied, “Lets just say some fool decided to play a practical joke on the President using the DVD’s [of these films]. Normally it wouldn’t have been much of a problem, but as Condaleeza Rice was off sick that day...”

Paramount itself had nothing to say on the matter, although other sources confirm that their various studios and offices have all been occupied by the US military and that everyone connected with the making of the films has been rounded up and sent to Cuba already. “This is utterly ridiculous!” shouted film score composer James Horner as he was being dragged off. “I had nothing to do with any part of the plot of those films! I only wrote their scores for crying out loud!”. A government spokesperson who was present explained that, “Intelligence sources have indicated that the fact Mr. Horner had written the scores for both the banned films was surely no coincidence”.

There has been a massive public outcry against the move from many quarters, and some are even considering taking legal action against the government. “It’s just so incredibly….I mean, the utter stupidity….I just can’t believe….” spluttered Giece O. Garricker, long time layer for 5MV site (and one affected by the censorship) owner Colin “Zeke” Hayman. “How could they even…..it’s so completely….GAH!”. At this point Mr. Garriker’s brain apparently imploded with incredulity, and Mr. Hayman (who was also present) took over the press conference. “We intend to get this ridiculous ban overturned as soon as possible. There’s no way the American President has the power to do this. I should have the right to talk about anything I want to, even the Gen--“. A SWAT team bursting in through the windows interrupted Mr. Hayman at this point, whereupon he was taken into custody. This reporter was tempted to point out to the team commander that they had no jurisdiction in Canada, but did not want to be arrested too.

Others that have announced an intention to bring legal action are also reportedly being held. Trek activist Mary Sue Scrivner is currently on the run from law enforcement agencies, though none have actually said that she is wanted by any of them. “See, that’s what they want you to think”, she told This Just In during an exclusive telephone interview. “I’ve seen those films, and they’ll come after everyone who has eventually.” Not surprisingly, Ms. Scrivner’s comments were universally ignored, but worryingly it’s an option that the US has not yet ruled out.

Where this saga of perpostrosity will go next remains a subject of much debate, though our Whitehouse source indicated that the [iost_uid0]Star Wars[/iost_uid0] and various James Bond films may be next on the list. In this reporterÂ’s view, the worst is probably yet to come.[/quoteost_uid0][/colorost_uid0]

[PointyHairedJedi]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0="taya17"]Who's afraid of the Big Bad T? Not me, not me, not me! *:P @ PHJ*



[iost_uid0]my soul is safe for the moment [/iost_uid0]

But you post on this forum, don't you, PHJ?
Join us... Join us and we will rule Hell together.[/quoteost_uid0]
Oh, go on then, but only if I get a really nice desk.[/colorost_uid0]

[Derek]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Very nice, both of you.[/colorost_uid0]