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Old 03-07-2004, 11:33 PM
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[color=#000000ost_uid0]Posting this one first because it's the one I feel is most complete and "polished", if you'll excuse the term, at this point. Feedback always welcome .

Need I say, if you don't want to be "spoiled", don't read on? Didn't think so.

[bost_uid0]War Drums[/bost_uid0]

[iost_uid0]Tonight, it’s Humans vs. Klingons in a titanic symbolic struggle between Racism and The Noble Savage! Everyone does the wave.[/iost_uid0]

President Oscaras: Hi everyone. I'm here to plead the colonists' case and embody the deep bitter hatred we colonists harbor toward those scummy Klingon pests. Now watch, there we are on the video, minding our own business, innocently setting out a peaceful picnic lunch—
Picard: All those men standing around with big heavy guns don't look very peaceful or innocent to me.
President: Uh, well, I meant the women and children. Now—
Picard: The children? They're just admiring that huge neon sign they've crowded around that says "Hey, Klingons, come attack this helpless picnic".
President: Oh, hush. Here comes the good part.
[iost_uid0]Woman 1: La la la, what a nice day for a picnic. I just hope we aren't attacked by nasty—[/iost_uid0]
[iost_uid0]Klingons: Rrrowrr, give us food! Rawrrrr! Today is a good day to pig out![/iost_uid0]
[iost_uid0]Woman 2: (standing still, squinting intently at a paper in her hands, as all her fellow colonists flee) Er, oh how horrible, I mean terrible, uh, we are being assailed by a bloodthirsty horde of evil Klingons. Again. Eek. If only someone would kiss all the Klingons off—[/iost_uid0]
Picard: Huh?
President: Sorry, typo. She should have read "kill".
[iost_uid0]Klingon: (yelling in woman's face) ROOOAARRR![/iost_uid0]
[iost_uid0]Woman 2: EEEEEK! Forget the script, I'm outta here. (runs after her friends)[/iost_uid0]
[iost_uid0]Klingons: Heh heh, works every time.[/iost_uid0]

Picard: Okay, Number One, I'm taking you, Data, Dr. Crusher, and Troi down to the surface.
Riker: Hey, Captain, those colonists are so stereotypically racist that I'll wager you fifty that if you send a non-Terran down to Selva, even one as Terran-looking as Ro, they'll be insulting her within 20 seconds of her arrival.
Picard: You're on. Ensign Ro, report to the transporter room. You'll secure the beam-down site. Leave your communicator on.
(Ro beams down.)
[iost_uid0]Ro: Seems pretty secu—[/iost_uid0]
[iost_uid0]Colonist: Hey! Take your ugly self somewhere else, Bajoran scum![/iost_uid0]
Picard: Rats.
Riker: Heh heh heh.

[iost_uid0]Captain's Log: I'm gonna get Riker for that. And I'm gonna get that President guy for making me watch his home movies. On a personal note, I've been in a symbolic mood lately...[/iost_uid0]

President: ...And over here is the old cedar shed where we keep a Klingon we captured chained up like the soulless beast he is. This concludes this tour of our town. If you'll excuse me, I'll go make sure the sugar cookies and strawberry punch are ready.
Picard: Hey guard, could we go in this old shed and talk with the prisoner alone?
Guard: Uh, sure, as long as you don't try to beam him away or anything.
Riker: We would never dream of doing such a thing, sir.

Picard: Enterprise, lock on to the landing party plus this pitifully mistreated Klingon lad.
Troi: I admire you for being willing to take the heat from the President in order to symbolically uphold decency, sir.
Picard: Naw, I haven't gotten to the symbolic stuff yet. I just want to tick that jerk off. Picard 1, President 0!

Worf: These Klingons are the grown survivors of a crash landing by a Klingon ship that was fleeing Romulans.
Crusher: A ship crashed into this big ol' planet? Who would be dumb enough to do that?
Chakotay and Troi: Don't even think about saying it.
Picard: Okay, Worf, here's the plan. You bond with the symbolic boy we brought to the ship, then go with the away team and contact the Klingons and sort this mess out. Make sure there's lots of symbolism. Ro, since you get along with these people so well, you get to stay in the village and do symbolic reaching-out stuff there.
Ro: Aw, nuts. What an awful assignment.

Gregg Calvert: Hi, fancy you meeting me. My daughter Myra and I are the only two non-bitter colonists here.
Ro: Wow, what a hunk! What a super assignment!
Doctor Drayton: I've been ordered to work with you, but I just want you to know that I hate your guts, Bajoran.
Ro: Aw, nuts.

Girl: Hi! My name is Myra, and I'm a younger female geologist version of Wesley Crusher! Y'know, no one ever takes me seriously, just because I'm a child. But I'm so smart, it took me 5 minutes to figure out that a tidal wave swamps this area every 47,000 years, and we're about due for another.
Ro: Aw, nutcases.

Worf: We come in peace for all...all, uh, for everyone. We want to be friends with you.
Klingons: We don't believe you.
Troi: We brought food and stuff.
Klingon chief: Okay then.

Doctor Drayton: One thing to watch out for on Selva is the Slaying Mantis. It can kill a Romul— er, a human instantly with a single sting when it feels like it. It masses 12.41 kilos, and is ten inches long, and its favorite color is blue, and—
Ro: We're going to tangle with one, aren't we?
Drayton: How'd you guess?
Ro: To quote an acquaintance of mine: "Lefler's 3rd Law of Literature: If an author all-but ignores an entire planet's ecosystem, but bothers to go into great detail about a specific species, then one or more characters will eventually run into them." The same logic tells me that the planet will throw one of those once-in-a-million-generations tidal waves at us during our incredibly short stay here.
Planet: Dang! She's on to me.

Riker: These Klingons are so barbaric. Almost no clothes, they live in these skinny tunnels in the ground, no running water...
Troi: Come on, Will, those aren't reasons to call anyone barbaric and you know it.
Riker: Okay then, what are the criteria for calling a society uncivilized?
Troi: Two words: No chocolate.

[iost_uid0]First Officer's Personal Log: This stinks. No love interest and I'm stuck in a hole, while Ensign Ro is in a comfy town with a hunky dude ...Of course, she does have to put up with Wendy Crusher.[/iost_uid0]

[iost_uid0]Captain's Log: Ha! Picard 2, Everyone else 0! On a different subject, saying "stuff" is fun.[/iost_uid0]

[iost_uid0]Counselor's Personal Log: No chocolate? How barbaric![/iost_uid0]

Ro: Zzzzz—Ow! Uh-oh, something's sitting on me. Don't tell me, let me guess, it's a mant—ack!
Mantis: Wrong, I'm a mantis—GAK!
Calvert: And so the handsome guy saves the damsel from the monster. How...[iost_uid0]symbolic[/iost_uid0].

Worf: Captain, these Klingons have no adults to explain the concept of civilizedness to them, so they are innocent of all the bad stuff they've done on the grounds of they didn't know any better.
Picard: Good. I don't see how it could be made any more obvious who the good guys and bad guys are. But this mess seems a little too much to use only the President as a symbolic scapegoat for...
Data: Sir, a Romulan spy has been telling the leader of the Klingons to order his followers to do all the bad stuff.
Picard: Excellent! Make sure they both die symbolically.

Worf: The leader of the Klingons has died, Captain.
Picard: Was it symbolic?
Worf: Very.
Picard: Excellent.

LaForge: Sir, our plot-o-meter indicates that the various conflicts on the surface are due to break out in violence very soon.
Picard: I see. What's a good excuse for us to conveniently leave the main characters who are on the planet to rely on their own resourcefulness? Hmm, there's a big peace conference and stuff a few systems over. Sounds good, let's go!

Calvert: Don't arrest Laren, she's nice and cute and knows funny jokes about pie.
President: I don't care! Just for that, I'll also symbolically arrest the only two people who've defected to the aliens' side: you and your daughter. I'll show Picard he's not the only one around here who can be symbolic!

Myra: Aw, crud. It's up to me alone to save everyone. I bet Wes never has days like this...

Planet: Muahahahaa, it's tsunami time! [iost_uid0]*Rumble*[/iost_uid0] [iost_uid0]*Swooosh*[/iost_uid0]
Tidal Wave Detector Thingy: Uh-oh...

Myra: Woohoo! Got Ro and Daddy free! Me 2, Bad Guys 0!
Ro: Uh-oh, the tidal wave thingy detector has gone off! We'll be swamped! Is there anywhere we can go to avoid it?
Myra: No, the wave will be just conveniently high enough to wipe out the trees and anything on the ground.
Calvert: Great, we've walked into one of those natural disaster movies that were popular at the end of the 20th century. What now?
Myra: Well, if we hurry, we might get everyone to symbolically try to convince the Klingons to symbolically let us in their sacred mound, which is conveniently the half-buried ship they came here in.
Ro: How do you know that?
Myra: I don't, but we gotta hurry this fiver up somehow.

LaForge: Sir, the climax indicator of the plot-o-meter indicates that it is safe to return to pick up any away team members who are still alive, assuming we don't move too fast.
Picard: Good, this conference stuff is boring me to death. Next time, let's make up an excuse to go watch a nuclear war.

Troi: I'm sensing that someone is still outside, symbolically separated from us and safety by the ship's hull.
Riker: Yeah, I can hear them pounding on the door too. Hey, it sounds like Morse code.
Data: The person says, "I-W-A-N-T-I-N-N-O-W".
Riker: S-A-Y P-L-E-A-S-E. U-N-L-E-S-S Y-O-U A-R-E T-H-E R-O-M-U-L-A-N S-P-Y.
Data: "D-R-A-T-H-O-W-D-I-D-Y-O-U-G-U-E-S-S-?"
Riker: I D-I-D-N-T. N-O-W D-I-E. S-Y-M-B-O-L-I-C-A-L-L-Y, I-F Y-O-U C-O-U-L-D M-A-N-A-G-E I-T.
Data: "I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-N-A-B-E-T-H-E-S-P-Y-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E-C-A-N-I-G-E-T-I-N-N-O-W-?"
Wave: Surf's up, dude! Check out the groovy symbolism! [iost_uid0]*SMACK!*[/iost_uid0]
Ship: Ow.
Data: "G-A-K-!"
Riker: Thank you, Mr. Data, we had pretty well figured that one out ourselves.

[iost_uid0]Captain's Log: Another symbolic death! Picard 4, Everyone else 0! In other news, I think I've met my symbolism quota for the month. Score one more for me![/iost_uid0]

Riker: Captain, the ship is ready to leave orbit and go elsewhere to, well...
Picard: Do stuff.
Riker: Um, okay.
Picard: Engage. Let's make stuff so!

(The [iost_uid0]Enterprise[/iost_uid0] warps out at Symbolically Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END[/colorost_uid0]
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