The Five-Minute Forums  

Go Back   The Five-Minute Forums > > Miscellaneous

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-02-2009, 04:47 PM
NAHTMMM's Avatar
Noodles And Hot Tofu! MMM
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: St Louis, MO, USA, . . .
Posts: 2,937
Send a message via Yahoo to NAHTMMM
Arrow Special Novel "Fiver": New Frontier 1 - 5

Other than a few of the names and one character trait, I've dashed all of the following off from memory.

This is at least as much a caricature as it is a parody. Probably moreso. And biased. Decidedly biased.

It is quite possible* that the series improved after this point. It is quite probable that I don't care. (Can you tell that I'm peeved? )

*After looking a few details up, this has been downgraded to "quite doubtful".

Off-the-Cuff Special Novel "Fiver": The first 5 books in the New Frontier series

A new crew investigates a bizarre new part of the galaxy, where the hydrogen has been replaced by soap. The bubbles obscure any storyline, but at least the plot that does exist is squeaky-clean.

(On the planet Calhoun.)

(Some years later, at a cafe.)
Picard: Now that your conveniently Anglicizable name has been properly Anglicized, I deem you worthy of commanding this Federation starship. Go, and do Starfleet stuff.
Mackenzie Calhoun: Umm, yeah. Starfleet stuff. How does that work, again?
Picard: Tell you what, I'll give you a few former guest stars to help you figure it out. Deal?
Calhoun: Fine.

(On the Excalibur.)
Ambisexual Engineer: My name is Burgoyne 172. I am dual-gendered, hear me roar!
Selar: It is only logical that I turn my nose up at your emotional displays. Also, what the heck kind of word is "ambisexual"?
Burgoyne 172: Um, the funny kind?

Displaced Nobleman: My name is Si Cwan. Alas for my planet and also my lost sister! Also, I call "no tiger jokes".
Mark McHenry: On the bright side, I get a lot of chicks and, for no apparent reason, am a ridiculously perfect pilot.
Zak Kebron: And I am a pillar of security and stability on this hormone-riddled ship. Emphasis on "pillar".

Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!

Si Cwan: Hey look, it's a Gene Roddenberry referen--
Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Si Cwan: Is that all you two are going to do on this ship?
Burgoyne 172: I also serve to facilitate a change from one awkward set of bisexual pronouns to another.
Selar: And I am the ship's doctor, if you hadn't noticed. Also I seem to be going through pon farr. Er, wait, you didn't hear that last part.

Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Robin Lefler: Lefler's Rule #38: Starships should have more shielding than soap opera. Hint, hint.
Calhoun: (over the comm) Understood. First Officer, Officer Lefler does not wish to be aboard the ship when she deals with her maternal issues. Make a note in the log to set her adrift in an escape pod when the time comes.
Lefler: . . . Wait, what?

First Officer: Oh, right, there's also me. *ahem* Hello, I'm Elizabeth Shelby. You may remember me from such Star Trek installments as "Best of Both Worlds, Part II" and "Best of Both Worlds, Part I". I suppose that, being a recurring character now, I should describe myself more thoroughly. Well, I, um, I've got a thing for my current captain. And I seem to have turned into a stickler for the rules. . . . Yep, that's about it.

(On some planet.)
Citizen: (yelling) You were the Chosen One!
Calhoun: I got better.

(On the Excalibur.)
Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
Si Cwan: Excuse me. Aren't we supposed to be trying to stabilize the situation on my planet or something while we're flying around out here?
Lefler: (thinking) He's kinda cute. Alas, I must remain professional and never hint at my feelings . . . . *sigh* Great, now I'm coming down with a case of angst.
Calhoun: Um, you have a planet? Oh, right, I forgot about it with all the hormones floating around. Yeah, maybe we should be. Why do you ask?
Selar and Burgoyne 172: SOAP OPERA!
McHenry: *daydreams about the Delaney sisters while performing some fancy-shmancy maneuver*
Ci Kwan: *sigh*

Lefler and mother: SOAP OPERA!
Calhoun: Right, into the escape pod she goes.
Lefler: Eep! Save me, Shere Kh--
Ci Kwan: I said "no tiger jokes"!

(Lefler tries to reconcile with her mother at Ludicrous Speed.)

My 5MV webpages My novel fivers list


“There must have been a point in early human history when it was actually advantageous to, when confronted with a difficult task, drop it altogether and go do something more fun, because I do that way too often for it to be anything but instinct.” -- Isto Combs
Reply With Quote

novel fiver

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:35 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2023, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.