50th Anniversary TOS Episode Discussion Marathon

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

November 8th, 1968, "For The World is Hollow And I Have Touched the Sky"
Another episode with great character work and acting, but absolutely awful science and plot holes that could be fixed through dialogue without spending a cent.

These problems are super frustrating for me too.

The Fiver

Spock: Aw. I know what will cheer you up - our 56th weekly cup of tea!
McCoy: Thanks, Spock. (picks a cup)
Spock: Um, no. Here, this one is yours.


Is this a reference to something?

No, just an implication that Spock's been gradually poisoning McCoy this whole time.

Oracle: Oracle's Message of the Day #1 - Potatoes make you stupid.

Is this a reference to something?

I presume this is supposed to be the Usenet Oracle, which I'm too young to have had direct access to. Looks like it's still going here: https://internetoracle.org/ I have no idea about the potatoes.

Oracle: Oracle's Message of the Day #2 - Do not meddle in the affairs of the Oracle, for thou art crunchy and taste good with strawberry pie.


Why strawberry pie and not ketchup, as is traditional with this joke?

Probably because this is Zeke's site.

Originally Posted by fiver

For a Space Italian woman who rides a warp bike, an eternity.

What a great line.

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

November 22nd, 1968, "Plato's Stepchildren"
Alexander: I'm not even better than Philana due to her powers.
Kirk: I bet Chekov would love to meet these telekinetics. I bet he could best her.

I don't get the joke.

It has nothing to do with the actress and everything to do with a later Koenig role.

Philana: To you and your fellowship we present gifts.
Kirk: Galadriel you're not.
Philana: Are you sure? We even have our own Hobbit.

The Lord of the Rings films were released in 2001-2003, and the fiver was published in 2005. I feel old.

Amen.

Originally Posted by "The Empath" fiver

Thann: Their fears killed them; we did not. Show us how passionate you are.

Not a thing you want to say to Kirk.

[Nate the Great]

January 3rd, 1969, "Whom Gods Destroy"


Fiver (by Nic)

Transcript
Memory Alpha


The Episode

* I'm still unsure how you can teach "cellular metamorphosis" to heal wounds, or how you go from being able to heal wounds to transforming your entire body. I think the implication is that Garth isn't a full-blown shapeshifter, but can just rearrange his skin and surface musculature. At least he doesn't have to recreate a functional commbadge like Odo apparently can.

* The codephrase is a good idea, but just opens more plotholes. Such precautions should be taken for most missions, and why was one instituted here? They didn't know there was a shapeshifter on the planet!
* I find it dubious that the Enterprise can't disable the shield without killing everybody on the planet. Surely the specs should be on file. Having Scotty say that it'll take some time to configure the phasers to disable the shield without killing everybody would accomplish the goal with fewer plotholes.

* I like how Chakoteya says that Marta's dance isn't as good as Vina's.

* Spock claims that Marta's dance is like what small Vulcan children do. I can appreciate that Vulcans would learn how to dance as a way to train their bodies how to move, and we know that Vulcans appreciate music.
* Garth has discovered more new worlds than any other man in history. This is a problem. Since he specifically calls Shakespeare an Earth man, he is evidently not human himself. Fair enough. Kirk studied Garth's career at the Academy, so Garth's heyday was at least twenty years ago. This is before the Constitution Class era by any definition. While we know little of the classes used in the early 23th century, I wonder if he was on a Bonaventure class or an Antares type. Going into the FASA RPG universe, the Mann, Ranger, and Baton Rouge classes also seem probable. All of these were undoubtedly smaller than the Constitution class, and thus had a smaller range and shorter missions than the days of Pike and Kirk. Also, the title of "discovered the most worlds" seems destined to be held by a Vulcan if you ask me.
* Garth implies that he will conquer the surrounding galaxies. How? Even with Kelvan upgrades it would take hundreds of years to get to another galaxy!
* Garth's attempt to trick Kirk into revealing the countersign is stupid. Even if "queen to queen's level three" is a valid opening move in 3D chess, there's more than one possible countering move! I doubt that even grandmasters can figure out their opponent's strategy based on a single move! Skipping straight to the agonizer would make more sense.
* I've long wondered what "Cochrane deceleration" entails. Putting aside the face that I doubt Zephram Cochrane was ever in a battle, this thing almost seems like a reverse Picard Maneuver.
* Is this the first instance of "shoot us both, it's the only way!"?
* Immediate reversal of brain damage from an injection? How is that supposed to work?


The Fiver

Garth: I am Lord Garth, and they call me Master of the Universe!
Kirk: Why don't they call you Skeletor?
Garth: Enough with the silly cartoon references! I will have none of that! Now give me control of your ship!
Kirk: I will not.
Garth: By the power of Greyskull, oh yes you will! (shapeshifts into Kirk)



I'm still a little confused about who the "Masters of the Universe" are. I care not for the 2002 series, and in the original show He-Man's friends are called the Heroic Warriors. Is "Masters of the Universe" supposed to be a broader term that refers to anyone who has access to "The secrets of Castle Greyskull?"


Garth: HA! Fooled you! Now you shall witness my coronation into Lord of the Galaxy, Master of the Universe and Secretary of State for White Fish!


I can't find reference to a country or government called "White Fish". There are a few places in Canada and the northern United States called that, but nothing with a "Secretary of State."



Nitpickers Guide

* The Tellarite makeup here is much better than in "Journey to Babel."
* Phil wonders about how this episode mentions a second mutiny on a starship, when in "The Tholian Web" the Defiant was seemingly the first mutiny on a starship. I think the simplest explanation (besides "the writers didn't care", of course) is that this ties back to the whole "starship=Constitution Class" thing and that Garth clearly wasn't on a Constitution Class ship.

[Nate the Great]

January 10th, 1969, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 5730.2. The planet Ariannus is vital as a transfer point on regular space commercial lanes. It has been attacked by a bacterial invasion which threatens to render it lifeless unless checked. Our mission, to decontaminate it.

This implies that they wouldn't bother if Ariannus wasn't a transfer point. I know that wasn't the intention, but that's how it reads. Who cares how important the planet is, it's a Federation world in crisis!

SULU: Captain, sensors indicate a space vehicle of some sort ahead.
KIRK: Is it within visual range?
SULU: Coming into range now, sir. It's following a very erratic course.
KIRK: Put it on the screen, extreme magnification.
(A wobbly shuttlecraft appears on the viewscreen.)
CHEKOV: I think that may be a Starfleet shuttlecraft.
SPOCK: That is exactly what it is, Mister Chekov.

So a Starfleet ship can't identify another Starfleet ship at this range? What does this plot point achieve except making everyone look inept?

SPOCK: Captain, there is one living creature aboard. Humanoid. He is either injured or ill.

This is extremely petty, but I wonder why readings that indicate injury and readings that indicate sickness are so close as to be mistaken for each other. Why is this line here?

KIRK: Do we have any knowledge of a planet that could have produced such a race of beings?
SPOCK: Negative, Captain.
KIRK: Bones, what do you make of it?
MCCOY: Well, I can't give you any specific circumstance that will explain him.

Look, we could name any number of alien races that defy the common sense interpretation of evolution to create features that would be impossible to explain via natural selection. Voyager featured a race that had a strip of flesh connecting their nose to their chin, and SF Debris has a whole rant about this topic. I get that the vertical dividing line is great for quick identification and a source of petty prejudice, but there were alternate, more evolutionary sound options. One that comes to mind immediately is the skin color of one is the same as the hair and eye color of the other, and vice versa. Make sure both have beards to make the hair color more prominent, etc.

KIRK: Don't you usually know whose property you've stolen?
LOKAI: I am not a thief.
KIRK: Well, certainly no ordinary thief, considering what it is you appropriated.
LOKAI: You're being very loose with your accusations and drawing conclusions without any facts.
KIRK: Well, I do know you made off with a ship that didn't belong to you.
LOKAI: I do not make off with things. My need gave me the right to use the ship. Mark the word, sir, the use of it.

Yeah, that doesn't work. He's a thief.

BELE: We're on the way to Cheron. Captain, this ship is now under my direction.

So is there some form of device that's locked the course a la the Kelvans, or is Bele controlling the ship through sheer will? And if the latter, why can't Lolai counter it?

[Nate the Great]

SPOCK: This is Commander Spock, science officer. Destruct sequence number two, code one, one A, two B.
...
SCOTT: This is Lieutenant Commander Scott, chief engineering officer of the USS Enterprise. Destruct sequence number three, code one B, two B, three.
...
KIRK: Computer, this is Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Begin thirty second countdown. Code zero, zero, zero, destruct zero.

It's nice that they reproduced the TOS destruct sequence for STIII. Isn't it nice when the creators care about their own history and continuity, not changing things that don't have to be changed?

BELE: It is obvious to the most simpleminded that Lokai is of an inferior breed.
SPOCK: The obvious visual evidence, Commissioner, is that he is of the same breed as yourself.
BELE: Are you blind, Commander Spock? Well, look at me. Look at me!
KIRK: You're black on one side and white on the other.
BELE: I am black on the right side.
KIRK: I fail to see the significant difference.
BELE: Lokai is white on the right side. All of his people are white on the right side.

And...? So...? But...? Therefore...? I'm not seeing the argument here, which is a key reason why the racism allegory sort of falls flat. In the real world we have racism because of more substantial (if illogical and unethical) reasons. At least claim that the black-right-siders invented fire/gunpowder/nuclear bombs/warp drive/whatever first or the white-right-siders were lazy/hippies/Amish-ish throughout history. SOMETHING.

UHURA: It doesn't make any sense.
SPOCK: To expect sense from two mentalities of such extreme viewpoints is not logical.
SULU: But their planet's dead. Does it matter now which one's right?
SPOCK: Not to Lokai and Bele. All that matters to them is their hate.
UHURA: Do you suppose that's all they ever had, sir?
KIRK: No, but that's all they have left.

A great moral, if a bit hamfisted.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We will soon begin "Operation Detox." Once we reach the planet Ariannus, we shall commence decontamination by rubbing a special gel all over its --

Assuming that this is referring to sanitizer gel, that doesn't really "detoxify" anything. A good joke if a bit illogical.

Spock: But Captain, it might be dangerous.
Kirk: Who do I look like, Captain Esteban?

Nice Search for Spock reference. He was a real shmuck.

[Nate the Great]

January 17th, 1969, "The Mark of Gideon"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

Let's get this out of the way up front: if this society is so crowded that they presumably only operate essential industries, where did they get the resources to build a duplicate Enterprise? Even if you say that all of the nonessential tech was omitted and faked, a lot of the tech had to be real:
* The gravitational strength on board the ship is so specific that that artificial gravity had to be present in the duplicate. Unless you're going to tell me that this planet is so like Earth that the gravitational constant is exactly one gee. Any Starfleet officer should be able to tell when the gravity on board ship feels wrong.

* The air has to be exactly the same as the Enterprise. The same oxygen content, it has to smell the same, etc.

* The carpet has to feel exactly the same, the lights have to be the same wavelength and brightness, the background hum has to be the same, etc.


The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 5423.4. We are orbiting the planet Gideon, which is still not a member of the United Federation of Planets. The treaty negotiations have been difficult because Gideon has consistently refused the presence of a delegation from the Federation on its soil, or any surveillance by the ship's sensors. They have finally agreed to a delegation of one. They insisted it be the Captain of the Enterprise. I am, therefore, beaming down at once.

1. "No delegation on it's soil"=either beam up the Gideon party, or refuse their attempts until they agree to let people beam down.
2. "It must be a delegation of one"=You refuse until they take back this ludicrous request.
3. "It has to be Kirk"=You tell them that Kirk isn't a diplomat and has duties elsewhere.

KIRK [OC]: I am alone on the Enterprise. I have searched every area of the ship and still cannot find a trace of the crew, or an indication of how its disappearance was managed.

In the expanded universe materials, it's said that you can walk all of the corridors in eight hours. I assume that this doesn't include poking your head in all the doors. If Kirk's been here for half a day, does this mean that the Gideonites reproduced ship water and food as well?

SPOCK: Institute a sensor scan three hundred and sixty degrees, one degree at a time.
MCCOY: You mean you're going to scan space for him?
SULU: But, sir, that could take years.
SPOCK: Then the sooner you begin, the better.

Putting aside the two-dimensional thinking quote from Wrath of Khan, scanning a solar system for one specific human shouldn't take "years". In fact, scanning a solar system end to end completely shouldn't take "years"!

SPOCK: Lieutenant Uhura, has Starfleet honoured our request with a reply?
UHURA: There has been no response as yet, sir.
SPOCK: Did you advise them the captain's life is at stake?
UHURA: Yes, sir. They insist that the matter must be referred to the Federation.
SPOCK: What department?
UHURA: Bureau of Planetary Treaties.
SPOCK: Contact them directly.
UHURA: I did, Mister Spock. They insist that we must go through Starfleet channels.

This is clearly a Starfleet matter, not a general Federation matter. What did this achieve except portraying the Federation as a non-optimal bureaucracy?

(Kirk presses a button, but the steel shutter does not raise)
KIRK: If it works.
(uses a manual override, and the shutters slide open to reveal faces which are then replaced by a starfield.)

This is absurd. Either put a proper functioning starfield outside or make the shutters unopenable.

ADMIRAL [on viewscreen]: I sympathize deeply, but Starfleet cannot override Federation directives in this matter.

What matter? What directives? I hope it's not the Prime Directive, because these people clearly have subspace radio, which implies that they are warp-capable.

HODIN: What is it like to feel pain?
ODONA: It is like, like when you see the people have no hope for happiness, Father. You feel great despair, and your heart is heavy because you know you can do nothing. Pain is like that.

I just don't understand this metaphor. I get what the writers were going for, but this is just nonsense.

HODIN: Yes. As Odona told you, we have no need for medical practitioners here.

I hate it when scifi societies think that "no illness"="no need for doctors". People will still sprain angles and break arms. OBGYNs and coroners will still be needed.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Kirk: You do realize that with things as they are, it may become necessary for us to repopulate the universe.
Odona: No, sorry. I don't know where I'm from.
Kirk: Huh?

What does knowing where you're from have to do with having kids? Wouldn't this have been a good place for Odona to declare herself to be a lesbian and Kirk kicking himself about it?

Hodin: Yep, tee hee! Gideon is a paradise where people live practically forever. Our birthrate rose to the point where the whole planet is one huge mosh pit.
Kirk: So you needed me to control the population with my QTPM?
Hodin: Yep. Quite The Phantom Menace, aren't I?

Which direction was this Phantom Menace joke supposed to go? Were they implying that watching Episode One decreases the odds of having sex?

Memory Alpha

* Only appearance of a regular exterior viewing port.
* People asked how Kirk is allowed to serve if he's so infectious. Good point.

[Nate the Great]

January 31st, 1969, "The Lights of Zetar"


Fiver (by Kira)

Transcript
Memory Alpha


The Episode

Key points:
* I get that they used Mira Romaine as a human counterpart to the external threat, but they laid it on with a trowel way too much. Talk about a total failure of the Bechdel test. She only exists to be a love interest and a victim. It's not like they could've spared the time for a scene with Uhura or Chapel to discuss her fears or at least her feelings for Scotty!

* Reading the script there seemed to be too much padding regarding Memory Alpha and this storm. So much repetition, to a degree that you wonder if this is supposed to be some sort of compensation for a lack of special effects budget.

* Speaking of Memory Alpha, putting the only copy of so much information in one spot is just stupid. Furthermore, it's not necessary. You can create sufficient drama by saying that the network of subspace signals connecting the Memory sites is being severely disrupted by this thing, garbling data and introducing errors. The longer this goes on, the longer it'll take to set everything right afterwards. Then you can focus on the direct threat on Mira's life.



KIRK [OC]: When a man of Scotty's years falls in love, the loneliness of his life is suddenly revealed to him.


Scotty's years? He's 47 (time to plug that magical number again!). In the 23rd century this is hardly old. I suppose that they could be implying a midlife crisis kind of thing, but it was still the wrong way to phrase it.


CHEKOV: I didn't think Mister Scott would go for the brainy type.
SULU: I don't think he's even noticed she has a brain.


Is this good banter or just objectification? I'm not sure.


SPOCK: None, Captain. When the library complex was assembled, shielding was considered inappropriate to its totally academic purpose. Since the information on the Memory planet is available to everyone, special protection was deemed unnecessary.



Oh, hi Gene! There goes your naive optimism out of control again! Even if we're going to assume that the information here is still backed up at multiple other locations it would be a real hassle to gather it all together again. A simple deflector shield is not "special protection". What about solar flares, or a giant space ameba, or a doomsday machine, or the Crystalline Entity, or any of a number of other things that don't care one bit about the purpose of this installation?


KIRK: Mister Spock, how many people are on Memory Alpha?
SPOCK: It varies with the number of scholars, researchers, and scientists from the various Federation planets who are using the computer complex.



There's that Vulcan precision again, it sometimes gets annoying. Kirk wasn't looking for a hard number, this is what the word "approximately" was invented for!


The Fiver

Kirk: Well, let's have her beam down then. Kirk to... say, wait a minute. If you, me, Spock, and Scotty are down here, who's in charge?
Sulu: (over the comm) You called, Captain?
Kirk: Oh. Dear. God.



What's wrong with Sulu being in command? I'm not seeing a joke here. There could've been one more line from Sulu about how someone has locked up all his weapons, so don't worry.


Romaine: I had a vision of what happened to those people on the surface. What's happening to me?
Scotty: You see what the aliens see... it would seem your minds are "Attached" in some way. Someone or something has mentally "Attached" you to the aliens.
Romaine: Scotty, this isn't a TNG ripoff. In fact, it has nothing to do with that episode at all.
Scotty: Sorry. I have a grudge against the entire series.



This feels like it needed one more punchline. Geordi doesn't let engineers drink on the job, multiplying your work estimate by four is a court-martialable offense, etc. Besides, this isn't that much like "Attached", comparing it to "The Minds Eye" would've worked better.

Kirk: Oh. Well, open hailing frequencies, then. (ahem) "Greetings, little worms --"
Spock: Captain, that is not the standard Starfleet message.
Kirk: I know. I found it in the Memory Alpha database.


I don't recall the little worms line. Is this an Enterprise reference?


Kirk: I have a plan. Let's allow the aliens to take over Lieutenant Romaine.
Scotty: I object to this plan!
Kirk: We'll have to have a controlled environment. We can use that piece of antique technology we brought aboard last week.
Scotty: You don't mean....
Kirk: Yes -- the decon chamber.
Scotty: Objection withdrawn.



If I needed no other reason to hate Enterprise, the decon chamber would be enough. It's shameless fanservice and absolutely nothing else. Besides, it doesn't make sense; it's not like all alien microbes are going to be nice enough to stay on the skin to be killed.


Memory Alpha

* Shari Lewis and her husband wrote this one. She also wanted to play Mira, but it didn't work out. Someone cut and paste Shari and Lambchop as they were at the time into a photo from this episode.

* Final appearance of an Andorian and Tellarite in TOS.
* Only appearance of Kyle this season.
* One of the Strange New Worlds short stories says that she married Morgan Bateson. Weird, but image if Shari Lewis portrayed her!

[Nate the Great]

February 14th, 1969, “Requiem for Methuselah”

I’ll have more to say about Flint’s supposed biography later, trust me!

Fiver (by Wowbagger)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 5843.7. The Enterprise is in the grip of a raging epidemic. Three crewmen have died and twenty three others have been struck down by Rigelian fever. In order to combat the illness, Doctor McCoy needs large quantities of ryetalyn, which is the only known antidote for the fever.

1. Where did this Rigelian fever come from? Did they rescue some Rigelians offscreen? Was Dr. McCoy working on a cure in his spare time and a Klingon attack made him lose containment? Was this a biological attack by the Klingons? We kinda need answers here!
2. Once again we have “antidote” used as a synonym for “cure for a disease” when in reality it’s “counteracts a poison.” Just use “cure”, it’s not an obscure word!
3. If we’re still in the sticks exploring, a line should be dropped about how we’re currently outside Federation territory and would never reach the nearest starbase in time.

MCCOY: Jim, there's a large deposit bearing two seven three, four kilometres away. I've got four hours to process that stuff.

On rough terrain a person can walk about two miles per hour. Four kilometers means over an hour just to get there. Even if you’re going to tell me that there’s some interference in the atmosphere that prevented the ship’s sensors from triangulating more exactly from orbit, now that we’re on the ground we can beam back to the ship and then beam down closer. There must still be a few people on duty up there.

SPOCK: Strange. Readings indicate a life form in the vicinity, apparently human. Yet ship's sensors indicated this planet was uninhabited.

Okay, so there’s some interference in the atmosphere that prevents precise sensor contact. My problem is that a building with human inhabitants would generate enough disturbances to the surrounding environment that even inhibited sensors would notice something. Why would Flint build his compound to be invisible to everything around it?

KIRK: We're in need! We'll pay for it, work for it, trade for it.
FLINT: You have nothing I want.

I doubt this. I’m reminded of the miners in “Mudd’s Women.” You just can’t build a single building that is self-sufficient with only two people to change the fuses. He’s going to need more antimatter, or a new stock of raw material for the replicator, or even just the latest galactic news and publications. He took himself into exile thirty years ago; things have changed a lot since then. Wouldn’t he be interested in hearing about the Organian Peace Treaty or the reemergence of the Romulans?

MCCOY: Yes, a Shakespeare first folio. A Gutenberg Bible.

There are 235 copies of the First Folio around today; no doubt this number will decrease in three hundred years. A single copy is worth about four million dollars. Rough estimation of future inflation puts it at over 6 billion dollars. The value of a complete Gutenberg Bible is about 30 million dollars today, 50 billion in Kirk’s time.

But of course you’d assume that several copies of both will be destroyed in World War III, putting the value even higher.

SPOCK: This is the most splendid private collection of art I've ever seen, and the most unique. The majority are the works of Leonardo da Vinci, Renaissance period, some of the works of Reginald Pollack, 20th century, and even a sten from Marcus Two.

Da Vinci paintings are about fifty million each (eighty billion in the future). Pollack is fifty thousand (eighty million). Don’t ask me what a sten is worth.

RAYNA: What is loneliness?
FLINT: It is thirst. It is a flower dying in the desert.

Obligatory Brave Little Toaster clip.

MCCOY: What else interests you besides gravity phenomena, Rayna?
RAYNA: Everything. Less than that is betrayal of the intellect.

I’m reminded of Kamala for some reason.

RAYNA: You are the only other men I've ever seen.
MCCOY: The misfortune of men everywhere, and our privilege.

As SF Debris likes to say, McCoy is a player. Too bad he’s hitting on a girl young enough to be his daughter. Ick. Then again, he’s only forty-nine, which I suppose is still young by 23rd-century standards. Even so, I’ll stick with “Ick.”

KIRK: You said something about savagery, Mister Flint. When was the last time you visited Earth?
FLINT: You would tell me that it is no longer cruel. But it is, Captain. Look at your starship, bristling with weapons. Its mission to colonise, exploit, destroy, if necessary, to advance Federation causes.

I hate it when pacifists condemn Starfleet for possessing weapons. I get that enough from the Vulcan guest stars. If we sent out our exploratory ships without weapons, they’d get destroyed by the Klingons immediately. Just like not having money only works if nobody else does (I’m looking at you, Deep Space Nine), but not having weapons only works if everyone else agrees to not have weapons either.

KIRK: Yes, well, those pressures are everywhere in everyone, urging him to what you call savagery. The private hells, the inner needs and mysteries, the beast of instinct. As human beings, that is the way it is. To be human is to be complex. You can't avoid a little ugliness from within and from without.

Exactly. One wonders if TNG-era Gene would remove this episode from canon if he noticed this line.

Captain's log, stardate 5843.75. Have I committed a grave error in accepting Flint's word that he would deliver the antidote to us? The precious time I have let pass may result in disaster for the Enterprise and her crew.

Good line. Self-doubt is important for proper characterization and to prevent the boring overpowered syndrome that some people think makes Superman boring.

[Nate the Great]

KIRK: By what? Are you happy here with Flint?
RAYNA: He is the greatest, kindest, wisest man in the galaxy.

No, he’s not. The fact that he shot first and asked questions later speaks enough to that. Hopefully the intention isn’t that Flint taught her that all humans are worse than him.

KIRK: He seemed to want us together. The billiard game. He suggested we dance.
SPOCK: It does appear to defy the male logic as I understand it.

Insert obligatory “Logic in men? Ha!” joke and “Whoever said the human race was logical” quote here.

UHURA [OC]: The planet was purchased thirty years ago by a Mister Brack, a wealthy financier and recluse.

I’ll be returning to Micah Brack later.

SPOCK: I was able to run a tricorder scan on Mister Flint. He is human, but there are certain biophysical peculiarities. Some body function readings are disproportionate. For one thing, extreme age is indicated on the order of six thousand years.

Aging is caused by cumulative damage caused by errors being introduced during the cell division process. Assuming that Flint’s condition is caused by his cells continually regenerating themselves, there wouldn’t be further errors being introduced and the only age a tricorder should be able to detect is the age at which he became immortal. I’d be more in favor of Spock noting a strange variation in the body’s EM field, indicative of the regenerating factor.

SPOCK: We must commence ryetalyn injections within two hours and eighteen minutes or the epidemic will prove fatal to us all.

Everyone isn’t exposed to a disease at the same time, and the incubation and virulent phases vary per person as well. Anything with more precision than an hour is impossible. Couldn’t Spock just say that statistically speaking someone will die in about two hours?

KIRK: Childhood must end. You love me, not Flint.

Love? It’s been less than four hours! “You’re attracted to me, not Flint” is more than adequate for the immediate purpose.

FLINT: I am Brahms.
SPOCK: And da Vinci?
FLINT: Yes.
SPOCK: How many other names shall we call you?
FLINT: Solomon, Alexander, Lazarus, Methuselah, Merlin, Abramson. A hundred other names you do not know.

Brahms died of liver cancer; I suppose he could fake his death.
Da Vinci died of neurological damage from recurrent strokes; again fakeable.
Solomon died of natural causes. Alexander might’ve been poisoned, again fakeable.
Lazarus we have no clue, but the idea that he was resurrected because of his inherent immortality and not the power of Christ is disturbing. Personally I think the biblical figures should’ve been left out of the list. There are many Abramsons in history, none particularly noteworthy. I hope that this is guy is supposed to have lived between now and Kirk, probably directly before Brack.

(A model Enterprise appears on a table. Kirk peers in through the viewscreen to see everyone stationary)

The viewscreen is not a window! It never was, at least for the mainline universe. At best the viewscreen sensors default to a forward-looking view and those on the bridge could see him if they weren’t frozen, but Kirk could never see inside the bridge.

KIRK: Restore them. Restore my ship!
FLINT: In time. A thousand, two thousand years. You will know the future, Captain Kirk.

This is confusing. I jolly well hope the Federation will still exist in a thousand years, and there will still be nosy tourists waiting to stomp all over this planet.

SPOCK: She loved you, Captain. And you, too, Mister Flint, as a mentor, even as a father. There was not enough time for her to adjust to the awful power and contradictions of her new-found emotions. She could not bear to hurt either of you. The joys of love made her human, and the agonies of love destroyed her.

It’s a pop culture cliché that Kirk is always talking computers to death, but it only happened four times not counting this case: Landru, M-5, Nomad, and Norman.

MCCOY: Oh, those tricorder readings on Mister Flint are finally correlated: He's dying. You see, Flint, in leaving Earth with all of its complex fields within which he was formed, sacrificed immortality. He'll live the remainder of a normal life span, then die.

The problem here is that he’s been away from Earth at least thirty years, you’d think in that time he would’ve aged enough to notice before now.

MCCOY: I do wish he could forget her.
(McCoy leaves. Spock goes over to Kirk and initiates a mind meld)
SPOCK: Forget.

I call B.S. on this. Rayna isn’t one of the great loves of Kirk’s life, she’s not even top ten. Spock never make Kirk forget his love for Edith Keeler, or Elaan, or Miramanee, or Ruth, etc.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Captain's Log: The Enterprise crew is suffering from Rigellian fever, which will kill us all in hours if left untreated. Fortunately, we just happen to be in orbit around the only planet in forty-seven bazillion light years with the cure. Even more fortunately, the planet appears to be uninhabited, and there are no foreseeable obstacles to success. Place your bets.
Sulu: 100 credits on Klingons.
Chekov: 75 on a gaseous space entity... OF CHAIRS!
Uhura: (shudder) All section heads report their bets are in, sir.
Safe money on non-corporeal being. To you, Spock.
Spock: I'm getting Trelane vibes. 500 credits on a super-powered hermit.

Ah, TOS Bingo, it’s a classic. My money is on lethal plants that will kill a redshirt in the first minute.

Ranya: I wanna see them, Flint!
Solomon: But you already can, on this John Ashcroft-style monitor.

I think this is supposed to be a post-9/11 paranoia joke. Confirmation, Wowwy?

McCoy: M4 should be done processing the Rytalyn by now. I'm gonna go get it.
Kirk: I've been thinking...
Spock: How unfortunate.

“LeFou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.” “A dangerous pastime...” “I know!”

Gene Roddenberry: Not until I kill him, "Amok Time"-style!
Kirk: Whoa, you're also Gene Roddenberry? That is a pretty paradox.
Arby's Oven Mitt: Oh. Hadn't thought of that. (is struck down by a bolt of lighting from the Logic Gods)

“The Babel Fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It proves you exist and so, therefore, you don’t. QED.”
“Oh dear, I hadn’t thought of that.”

Rayna: Oh no, an Admiral Haftel complex! Non sequitur! Error! Error! GAK!

Poor Lal.

Spock: (gasp) That monster created life and ran it on Windows 2000!
Kirk: How dastardly! After all, Windows 98 would have run twice as well!
McCoy: I think you're missing the point.

There’s a time capsule joke for you. FYI I went from 98 to Me, so I missed out on 2000.

Memory Alpha

• If Flint being Lazarus is supposed to explain away the Christian god or the divinity of Jesus Christ, it failed miserably because Lazarus was not the only resurrection performed by Christ.
• A Brahms soundalike was composed for the music that Spock plays, even though real Brahms sheet music is present. Why you’d need a soundalike is beyond me, I think Brahms is firmly public domain by now.
• Q’s peering into the viewscreen in “Death Wish” is mentioned. However, I jolly well think that a member of the Q Continuum has the power to project their image onto a viewscreen and see what’s on the bridge without a window being present.
• In “Concerning Flight” Janeway mentions that Kirk met da Vinci, so Spock must’ve wiped Kirk’s mind of just his feelings for Rayna, not the entire mission on the planet.
• Here McCoy thinks that alcohol can make Spock drunk, while in Star Trek V he doesn’t. The easiest solution is to say that Star Trek V never happened.

Nitpicker’s Guide

• Why is a planet called Holberg 917G in the Omega System? It does sound like Holberg 917G means that this is the seventh planet of the 917th star system charted by Holberg, right? “Omega Sector” would be better, right?
• How could Kirk make Rayna happy? She couldn’t stay on the ship, and he would never ask for planetary duty. They’d never be together except for a few days every so often.
• Kirk can’t keep Flint a secret because he’s already recorded Captain’s Logs mentioning him.
• Phil says that if Flint shrunk the Enterprise down to a paperweight, it would crush the desk. In “Mudd’s Women” Scotty declares the ship to be almost a million gross tons. A gross ton is 2240 pounds instead of 2000. Over two billion pounds coming from this model would do more than crush the desk, it would probably sink all the way to the center of the planet. Either Flint is lying and this is a fake, or else whatever mechanism is keeping it here is also negating the mass.

Memory Beta

• Okay, now it’s time to talk about Micah Brack. The sadly completely non-canon novel Federation places him during Zephram Cochrane’s lifetime (the Federation version of Cochrane, FYI, not the First Contact version. In Federation Cochrane went to Alpha Centauri and back for his first warp flight). After Cochrane proves that warp drive is possible, Brack invests in various enterprises designed to get humanity out into space as soon as possible. By the time Brack’s partners figure out he’s throwing away piles of money, it’ll be too late: humanity will be out there and will need them. In fact, Cochrane marries Brack’s daughter.
• Another new identity for Flint is Emil Vaslovik, revealed in the novel “Immortal Coil.” A deliberate Questor Tapes reference, Vaslovik worked with Noonien Soong and Ira Graves on artificial intelligence. He deliberately faked his death in the episode to get Kirk off his trail. Vaslovik tries to create a new android girlfriend, too bad she falls in love with Data instead. I highly recommend the book.
• In a Star Trek/Legion of Superheroes comic crossover he is revealed to be the same person as Vandal Savage, who has used the power of Q to create an empire. Weird stuff.

[Nate the Great]

February 21st, 1969, "The Way to Eden"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 5832.3. The son of the Catullan ambassador is one of six we have beamed aboard from the stolen cruiser Aurora. We have been ordered to handle him with extreme delicacy, because the treaty negotiations now in progress between the Federation and Catualla are in a crucial phase.

This disturbs me. I get that diplomatic immunity has to exist for ambassadors who are doing their jobs. I don't think that should extend to family members, especially when said family members are nowhere near the ambassador. (Irrelevant aside, do you know about the time when James Brown (the "Ambassador of Soul")'s wife tried the diplomatic immunity gambit to beat traffic charges?)

To save space, let's just say that in any rational world these guys would be in the brig within the hour for stealing the ship, refusing to reply when hailed, resisting arrest, disobeying ship's security, etc. And this need to arrest and confine will occur over and over for the rest of the episode.

CHEKOV: Sir, I believe I know one of them. At least, I think I recognise her voice. Her name is Irina Galliulin. We were in Starfleet Academy together.
KIRK: One of those was in the Academy?

This level of prejudice seems disjointed with Gene's vision of the future. Just because she's a hippie doesn't mean she can't be smart or disciplined when she wants to.

KIRK: Mister Spock, do they really believe that Eden exists?
SPOCK: Many myths are based on truth, Captain.

This sentiment appears may times all over the scifi genre and I hate it. If any "truth" was the start of a myth, it's so minor and removed from the present state of the myth that it's irrelevant.

KIRK: Doctor Sevrin is their leader?
SPOCK: Yes. A brilliant research engineer in the fields of acoustics, communications and electronics on Tiburon. He was dismissed from his post when he started this movement.

This confuses me. Was he fired for having unconventional philosophical beliefs, or for starting a quest that seems rather peaceful? The only threat seems to be from his disease. And by the by, there has to be a Federation world that is mostly untamed nature but still has an outpost to give him his booster shots, right?

SPOCK: There are many who are uncomfortable with what we have created. It is almost a biological rebellion. A profound revulsion against the planned communities, the programming, the sterilised, artfully balanced atmospheres.

This is a good idea to ponder. Even today we occasionally need to escape from technology and return to nature. I'm also reminded of Riker in "Time Squared"...

DATA: This is not an efficient method of preparing sustenance.
RIKER: Oh, you're right, Data. The ship's computer would be more efficient, but it wouldn't allow for the subtlety needed for great cooking. It would give you all of the ingredients in predetermined measurements, but it wouldn't allow for flair or individuality.

KIRK: The cave is deep in our memory.
SPOCK: Yes, that is true, Captain.

In this context the word "cave" brings to mind Plato's cave, but I don't think that's what was intended.

CHEKOV: Why did you do it?
IRINA: Why did you?
CHEKOV: I am proud of what I am. I believe in what I do. Can you say that?
IRINA: Yes.

You may remember when I stumped the quote thread with this exchange. Chekov's message means something to me. We should all be proud (in the most positive sense of course) of what we are and believe in what we do.

MCCOY: But a regular programme of shots is necessary. I'll have to check everyone on the ship. There could be some skips. In the meantime, he should be placed in total isolation.
SEVRIN: This is outrageous. You're not isolating me, you're imprisoning me. You invent a crime, find me guilty and sentence me!

Sevrin, you are already guilty of crimes that are on the books. And this crime is not invented, it's also on the books! Shut up about being a wronged party!

KIRK: If it weren't for that ambassador's son, they'd all be in the brig.

Okay, so the ambassador's son is somehow immune, he seems to forget that the rest aren't! It stands to reason that he would choose to be in a cell with his people rather than all alone on the outside.

SEVRIN: Because this is poison to me. This stuff you breathe, this stuff you live in, the shields of artificial atmosphere that we have layered about every planet. The programs in those computers that run your ship and your lives for you, they bred what my body carries. That's what your science have done to me.

Here we go....

Accusation One: "This stuff you breath". You mean...unpolluted air? Is he accusing the Federation of putting docileness-inducing gases in the manufactured air?

Accusation Two: "The shield of artificial atmosphere that we have layered about every planet." This is patently absurd. The Federation would only colonize worlds that are Class M, and more specifically a comfortable subset of Class M. Perhaps a few planets have a few plants that inject a little extra oxygen into the atmosphere, but that's not a "shield of artificial atmosphere".

Accusation Three: "The programs in those computers that run your ship and your lives for you." Starfleet ships are not Borg cubes! If he means something akin to Sojef in Insurrection ("We believe when you create a machine to do the work of a man, you take something away from the man."), they could've been clearer about this.

RAD: Can you suggest any special ways to swing them?
ADAM: Just be friendly. You know how to be friendly. Then they'll be friendly.

It's a rare event when someone can sound sinister by declaring that they're going to be friendly. This may be a bad episode, but you can't dispute that they didn't know how to write multidimensional characters.

MCCOY: All this plant life is full of acid. Even the grass, Jim.

I'll just refer you to SF Debris' review to explain how stupid this is.

The Fiver

Chekov: Captain, I think I know one of those hippies. Her name was Irini Galliulin. She and I were in the Academy together.
Kirk: One of those was in the Academy?
Chekov: Yes sir. Just think of them as a proto-Maquis.
Kirk: I'd rather not.

That metaphor doesn't really work.

YouTube

Chekov's hand is burned by the acidic plants. I never noticed how fake his scream sounds, it reminds me of Benedick trying to sound like a bird in Much Ado About Nothing.
The meaning of Herbert

[Nate the Great]

February 28th, 1969, "The Cloud Minders"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 5818.4. A botanical plague is devastating a planet in the quadrant of the galaxy where the Enterprise is operating at present. It threatens to destroy the vegetation on the entire planet, leaving it uninhabitable.

I'm glad that the series is almost over, because this whole "we need something on Planet A to stop a disaster on Planet B" thing is really getting old. I'm not saying that this plot can't be done well, but the more times it's used the less likely it is that it will be done well. Furthermore, the idea that minerals can't be replicated is silly, just like the idea that the Federation wouldn't take medicinal plants from one world and transplant it to other worlds just in case.

KIRK: On Stratos? That's their cloud city, isn't it, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: It is, Captain.

Memory Alpha claims that Stratos uses antigravity technology to float. Putting aside the question of why a civilization would want to do that instead of a proper orbiting station (at that altitude you'd need a protective shield and contained atmosphere for increased warmth and oxygen levels), I question what purpose this achieves besides raising questions. Building the city on a mountaintop far above the clouds would serve the purpose just as well with fewer plot holes.

PLASUS: They agreed obviously as a ruse to get valuable hostages.
KIRK: Hostages? For what purpose?
PLASUS: To force the council to meet their demands.

The word "duh" comes to mind. I thought Kirk was supposed to be a tactical genius. Couldn't they have brought Chekov or someone to ask the question?

DROXINE: I have never before met a Vulcan, sir.
SPOCK: Nor I a work of art, madam.

Yikes, Spock. For a Vulcan this is practically laying it on with a trowel.

SPOCK [OC]: This troubled planet is a place of the most violent contrasts. Those who receive the rewards are totally separated from those who shoulder the burdens. It is not a wise leadership. Here on Stratos, everything is incomparably beautiful and pleasant. The High Advisor's charming daughter Droxine, particularly so. The name Droxine seems appropriate for her. I wonder, can she retain such purity and sweetness of mind and be aware of the life of the people on the surface of the planet? There, the harsh life in the mines is instilling the people with a bitter hatred. The young girl who led the attack against us when we beamed down was filled with the violence of desperation. If the lovely Droxine knew of the young miner's misery, I wonder how the knowledge would affect her.

How did spores get here from Omicron Ceti III? I question why Spock has to be the one in this position, he's not one to fall into infatuation this fast. Charvanek was much more compatible with him, and it took her hours to get this far with him. Ugh.

DROXINE: You only take a mate once every seven years?
SPOCK: The seven-year cycle is biologically inherent in all Vulcan�s. At that time, the mating drive outweighs all other motivations.
DROXINE: And is there nothing that can disturb that cycle, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing, madam.

As Phill Farrand says in the Nitpicker's Guide, the pon farr was supposed to be a secret to anyone not related in some way to the Vulcans. I'm not going to address the question of whether or not Vulcans ever mate for pleasure, but it doesn't seem likely. Why is Spock being written this badly?

PLASUS: Troglytes are not like Stratos dwellers, Mister Spock. They're a conglomerate of inferior species. The abstract concepts of an intellectual society are beyond their comprehension.

It's been noted again and again that a necessary first step in "rationalizing" prejudice is convincing the oppressors that the oppressed are a lesser sort of being. I get the moral that is trying to be taught, but it's hard when we only see a few of these people, and those that we do see are terrorists who are resistant to any solution other than violence. The moral is hard to tell when both sides aren't presented as real, rational people.

Captain's log, star date 5819.0. More than eight hours have passed since the consignment of zenite disappeared and we have still found no trace of it. We've received word from Merak Two that the plague is spreading rapidly. Delivery of the zenite is imperative within twelve hours or all life on the planet will be annihilated.

I hate these arbitrary "the plot must be resolved in X hours or thousands will die" deadlines. They aren't needed. Starfleet hostages are enough, the serious accusation by a group of people on a Federation (or at least Federation-aligned) world is enough.

KIRK: Lieutenant Uhura, advise Starfleet command that the zenite has not been delivered. In my opinion, Plasus' method of accomplishing delivery will not succeed. If the zenite is not delivered shortly, I shall have to violate Plasus' order of non-interference and win the confidence of the Troglyte leader with the use of reason.

MCCOY: That may not be easy, Jim. Medical analysis indicates the Troglytes are mentally inferior.
KIRK: That's impossible, Bones. The Troglytes have accepted personal sacrifice, a common cause. Mentally inferior beings aren't capable of that.
MCCOY: Look, I've checked my findings thoroughly. Their intellect ratings are almost twenty percent below average.

The question "so?" comes to mind. Even if these guys are permanently on the level of Pakleds, so what? They're sentient beings that are being oppressed, that's enough.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: A mysterious disease is ravaging the quadrant. How it successfully traversed the vacuum of space is anyone's guess.

Exactly.

Spock: Why do you not trust Advisor Plasus' coordinates?
Kirk: I knew the guy once. He was a scoundrel.

Plasus is played by Jeff Corey, who appeared with William Shatner and John deLancie (and Alexi Roshenko actor Theodore Bikel) in a 1977 TV miniseries called Testimony of Two Men. This is what's called an overly obscure joke. Did anyone other than IJD GAF ever get this one?

Spock: It appears that the shipment of zienite has not arrived on schedule.
Kirk: I could tell by the lack of zienite and Troglodyte miners.
Vanna: Grr! That's Troglyte!
Kirk: Ah, a diet caveman.
Vanna: That's it, we're capturing you.

Puns are always fun. I wonder what a drink called "Troglyte" would taste like...

Kirk: I've beamed to your cell to tell you about these masks.
Vanna: Ooo. Will they make us smarter?
Kirk: Yep. Unless you're Jim Carrey.

I never even watched that movie, but I saw enough trailers and reviews and so forth that it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yet another time capsule joke.

Memory Alpha

* David Gerrold comments on the original idea and how it was dumbed down for the screen.
* Not only is Spock being un-Vulcan with his discussion of the pon farr, but he expresses pride, which is another emotion.

Nitpickers Guide

* Phil is skeptical that Droxine will last very long in the mines before giving up and going home.
* Phil also speculates that perhaps Spock's brain not being reattached correctly might explain some of his behavior here.

[Nate the Great]

March 7th, 1969, "The Savage Curtain"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

MCCOY: What's all this poppycock about life forms on this planet, Spock? The surface is molten lava. The atmosphere is poisonous.

You've seen Horta, Bones! Lifeforms exist that don't need Class M conditions.

LINCOLN [on viewscreen]: No need to check your voice telegraph device.

This kind of thing irks me. Supposedly this guy is an exact reproduction of Abraham Lincoln, and he knows about aliens and space travel and so forth, yet remains shackled to 19th-century language on a sporadic basis.

Incidentally, Western Union stopped offering telegrams in 2006, but you can still send them in many countries.

SPOCK: Fascinating.
LINCOLN [on viewscreen]: I have been described in many ways, Mister Spock, but never with that word.

Good use of characterization on both sides. Sometimes I think Spock defaults to that word and uses it via reflex. A sign that he's not quite 100% Vulcan in his thinking.

LINCOLN [on viewscreen]: Do you still measure time in minutes?
KIRK: We can convert to it, sir.

This is odd. At 1000 stardate units per year, a minute would be 0.0019 stardate units. That's why they still use minutes and hours. I wonder what this exchange was supposed to accomplish besides making the writing staff look like idiots.

KIRK: Security, send a detachment to the transporter room immediately, phaser side arms, and be prepared to give presidential honours.
MCCOY: Jim, do you really believe he's Abraham Lincoln?
KIRK: It's obvious he believes it. Doctor McCoy, Mister Spock, full dress uniforms.

One, "phaser side arms"? As opposed to what, slingshot side arms? Two, they can change into dress uniforms and set up presidential honors in ten minutes? I find this dubious.

SCOTT: Full dress? Presidential honours? What is this nonsense, Mister Dickerson?
DICKERSON: I understand President Lincoln's coming aboard, sir.
SCOTT: Ha! You're daft, man.
DICKERSON: All I know is what the captain tells me, and he says he'll have the hide of the first man that so much as smiles.

Did Kirk squeeze in a briefing with the security team, too? So many questions could be avoided if the time had been extended to half an hour or whatever.

Pointless aside, I sent several minutes trying to Do The Math regarding orbit elevations, orbital speed, transporter ranges, etc. I eventually concluded that this is ridiculous. The idea that a ship in orbit has to maintain the same speed or elevation all the time is beyond silly. Sure, when there's no urgency the ship will assume geostationary orbit around whatever location the landing party beamed down to, but in a case like this the ship is fully capable of moving to whatever point in orbit is necessary to access the necessary point on the surface. Furthermore, while it's useful to indicate a point on the surface in relation to the current speed of the ship, they should've have indicated that Kirk has to beam down the instant they're above the given point. Simply indicating a point on the planet's surface in terms of longitude and latitude relative to the ship's current position (the "Prime Meridian") would've been much more reasonable.

SCOTT: President Lincoln, indeed. No doubt to be followed by Louis of France and Robert the Bruce.
(Kirk and Spock enter)
KIRK: If so, we'll execute appropriate honours to each, Mister Scott.
SCOTT: Aye, sir.

I also wonder if this is simply a joke, or if Starfleet regulations include honors for these specific positions, or if they imported the regulations from older organizations like the U.S. Navy, or if Kirk was referring to generic "head of a country on a planet" honors.

SCOTT: Locked on to something. Does that appear human to you, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: Fascinating. For a moment, it appeared almost mineral. Like living rock with heavy fore claws. It's settling down now to completely human readings.

So one of Yarnek's people has shapeshifted to resemble Lincoln. I'm not sure if I prefer this to a simple illusion.

LINCOLN: Strange. Where are the musicians?
KIRK: That's taped music, sir. A starship on active duty never carries an honour detachment.

Odd, I'd think the flagship of the fleet could have a handful of people trained to perform military music with live instruments. Playing recorded music in a situation like this seems...insulting, somehow.

LINCOLN: A most interesting way to come aboard, Captain. What was the device used?
KIRK: An energy-matter scrambler, sir. The molecules in your body are converted into energy, then beamed into this chamber and reconverted back into their original pattern.

While Kirk describes the transporter fairly well, the "scrambler" part confuses me. Is "converter" beyond Lincoln's vocabulary?

SCOTT: You heard Mister Spock yourself. Mineral he called it, like living rock.
MCCOY: And that became Lincoln?
SCOTT: I couldn't tell. It may have been another figure down there standing by. What do you make of it?
MCCOY: I'm not quite sure.

What's the point of this scene? I jolly well expect Scotty to know how to scan whatever he's about to transport. Not only does this make Scotty look like an idiot, it's setting up a Chekov's gun that never pays off!

LINCOLN: What a charming negress. Oh, forgive me, my dear. I know in my time some used that term as a description of property.
UHURA: But why should I object to that term, sir? You see, in our century we've learned not to fear words.

The problem here is that while it sounds well and progressive, it doesn't work given what else we know about the Trek universe. Heck, the hippies were tossing around "Herbert" just a few weeks ago! And then you've got the Cardies and spoonheads of the future.

KIRK: We've each learned to be delighted with what we are. The Vulcans learned that centuries before we did.

So is Kirk exaggerating with the use of "delighted" in reference to Vulcans, or did the Vulcans learn the lesson in the pre-Surak era?

SPOCK: It is basic to the Vulcan philosophy, sir. The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile.

I wonder why they wouldn't take the chance to bring up IDIC again. Actually, it would've been nice if Surak was wearing the prop (I wonder what happened to it...).

KIRK: Yes, of course he's an alien.
MCCOY And he's potentially dangerous.
SCOTT: Mad. Loony as an Arcturian dogbird.

How do you get from "dangerous" to "insane"? Lincoln has already demonstrated that he or an ally has phenomenal powers, I'd be more willing to go with "programmed puppet" than "human slave who can gone insane, altered his appearance to Lincoln's, and hijacked his master's equipment to perform these feats".

MCCOY: Yes, a big one. Suddenly, miraculously, we see a small spot of Earth-type environment down there. Now is it really there, or do we just think we see it down there?
SCOTT: You might beam down into a sea of molten lava.

So beam a probe down to confirm the environment. I don't think the Excalbians would object to that.

KIRK: The very reason for the existence of our starships is contact with other life. Although the method is beyond our comprehension, we have been offered contact. Therefore, I shall beam down.

Exactly. Although I'd still beam a probe down first...

[Nate the Great]

SPOCK: As I turned and my eyes beheld you, I displayed emotion. I beg forgiveness.
SURAK: The cause was more than sufficient. Let us speak no further of it.

I prefer TOS Vulcans to almost any other Vulcan in Trek. As SF Debris put it, emotionless doesn't mean lifeless.

SURAK: In my time, we knew not of Earth men. I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us.

This line has stuck with me for most of my life. It may not be one of the great Trek quotes, but the meaning grows the more you think about it. Another unspoken reference to the IDIC.

ROCK: The confrontation of the two opposing philosophies you term good and evil. Since this is our first experiment with Earthlings, our theme is a simple one. Survival, life and death. Your philosophies are alien to us, and we wish to understand them and discover which is the stronger.

While the experiment of good vs. evil is an old and rather hackneyed scifi trope, my biggest problem with the idea is that this is hardly good vs. evil, it's survival. As Odo says, "The one thing I've learned about humanoids is that in extreme situations, even the best of you are capable of doing terrible things." Furthermore, "willing to kill to survive" doesn't equate to "evil" in the simplistic terms that the Excalbians seem to want.

MCCOY: Can we beam the captain and Spock back up?
SCOTT: We don't have the power. They'll come aboard a mass of dying flesh.

If you don't have the power the transporter won't even engage, and even if you force it they just won't materialize. Yeah, yeah, I remember the scene in STTMP, but I'd rather consider that whole movie noncanon, if only to excise those awful uniforms from canon.

KIRK: What do you want?
GREEN: The same thing as you do, to get out of here.

Now this is weird. Where is Green planning on going? Does he think he's been transported here from World War III and has a life to get back to? So many questions...

KIRK: That rock-like thing is our enemy, not those illusions.

What is it with TOS episodes and naming redshirts with no more than one line but refusing to name much more important characters in spoken dialogue? Seriously!

KIRK [OC]: What caused the red alert?
UHURA: I don't know yet, sir.

The ship heating up caused the red alert, you don't know the cause yet! Do these scripts get proofread or not?

SCOTT [OC]: We're on emergency battery power only.

KIRK: What happened?

[Bridge]

SCOTT: I can't explain it, sir, but the matter and antimatter are in red zone proximity.
KIRK [OC]: What caused that?
SCOTT: There's no knowing and there's no stopping it either. The shielding is breaking down. I estimate four hours before it goes completely. Four hours before the ship blows up.

So auxiliary (AKA impulse) reactors don't exist yet AND you can't dump the animatter manually? Who's the numnut that designed this ship anyway? Leah Brahms would've had this guy fired for even suggesting such a ship's design.

KIRK: Scotty, inform Starfleet Command. Disengage nacelles, Jettison if possible.

Whether or not this was an oblique reference to saucer separation capabilities, I must point out that jettisoning the nacelles isn't going to solve much. There's no antimatter in the nacelles, just warp plasma!

KIRK: There's nothing immoral about fighting an illusion, Mister Spock. We play their game, fight, or lose the ship and all the crewmen aboard.
SPOCK: And if they're real, Captain?

Then you defend yourself. We've seen plenty of Vulcans have no problem killing in battle, or even just to gain a mate. Get off your high horse, Spock. If you were that much of a pacifist you never would've made it this far in Starfleet.

KIRK: Thank you. Thank you. Mister Spock, we'll need weapons. I believe the ancient Vulcans made something like a boomerang?
SPOCK: Yes, Captain.

You need either a proper knife or sufficient time to carve a boomerang, neither of which they have. If they had a proper knife, they'd just use it. And if they had sufficient time, setting booby-traps around a home base would've been more effective.

SURAK: In my time on Vulcan, we also faced these same alternatives. We'd suffered devastating wars which nearly destroyed our planet. Another was about to begin. We were torn. But out of our suffering some of us found the discipline to act. We sent emissaries to our opponents to propose peace. The first were killed, but others followed. Ultimately we achieved peace, which has lasted since then.

I thought that the proto-Romulans were exiled. Besides, you hardly have the time or the ambassadors to spare in this case. What is Surak's argument again?

SURAK: Surely it is more logical to heal than kill.
KIRK: I'm afraid that kind of logic doesn't apply here.
SURAK: That is precisely why we should not fight.

Will becoming martyrs save the Enterprise? I have no doubt that if Kirk and Spock were presented with that option they'd take it, but they haven't.

GREEN: How can I believe that? No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war.
SURAK: He talks peace if it is the only way to live.

I wonder if there is a Vietnam allegory somewhere in here.

KIRK: Your Surak is a brave man.
SURAK: Men of peace usually are, Captain.

It's exchanges like this that helped immortalize TOS.

ROCK: You are the survivors. The others have run off. It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted. However, you have failed to demonstrate to me any other difference between your philosophies. Your good and your evil use the same methods, achieve the same results. Do you have an explanation?

Yes, this was a fight for survival, not a fight between good and evil. At least the Beyonder in Spider-Man TAS set up a more reasonable scenario!

KIRK: What did you offer the others if they won?
ROCK: What they wanted most. Power.
KIRK: You offered me the lives of my crew.
ROCK: I perceive.

I like it when Kirk can teach a lesson with words. He also does it better when he uses few words but leads the other person through the chain of logic. When he tries Picard-style speeches it inevitably turns into a pile of hammy preaching.

KIRK: What gives you the right to hand out life and death?
ROCK: The same right that brought you here. The need to know new things.
KIRK: We came in peace.
ROCK: And you may go in peace.

I wonder if the Excalbians could fit as a Federation member.

SCOTT: The ship is functioning normally again, sir, and the restart cycle is in operation. You'd never know anything had been out of order. I can't fathom it.
KIRK: Mister Sulu.
SULU: We should be on warp power within thirty minutes, sir.

I thought Scotty found a way that was faster than thirty minutes back in "The Naked Time"!

The Fiver

Lincoln: Just beam me aboard Air Force One.
Spock: There is no ship with said name in the area.
Kirk: No, but there will be once he's aboard! Kirk to Scotty, energize!

Wouldn't it be NASA One when a President finally goes into space?

Kirk: Yes. Now to figure out why our weapons were left behind. Are you a perverted Ferengi transporter chief, Mr. Lincoln?

A Menage a Troi reference, neat. I suddenly wonder why IJD GAF didn't include a Roberta Lincoln reference.

Lincoln: Surak? Surraaaaaaak? Hey, Pointy! It's me, honest!

Should've been "Pointy-Ears", but whatever.

Spock: It appears the creatures of the planet could manipulate matter at will, and built the characters out of our own expectations of them.
Kirk: Interesting... and if I expect to see an Orion slave girl on my lap right now?
(POOF)
Tinky Winky: Gagahehe-zeeday!
Spock: ...then you get smitten by parody.

First, curse you IJD for reminding me of the Teletubbies. Second, Tinky Winky is the purple one, the green one is Dipsy (and yes I had to look this stuff up, don't ever accuse me of watching Teletubbies! I feel enough shame for watching Barney way longer than I ever should've.). Of course, both Tinky Winky and Dipsy are boys, but these are hardly the worst aspects of this scenario.

Memory Alpha

* There were attempts to get Mark Lenard to play Lincoln (which would've been cool, as he would've played each of the four main Trek races), but he had scheduling conflicts.
* Another reference to TOS taking place in the 22nd century. Series bible rant, moving on...
* Kahless appears as a human-type Klingon despite this occurring before ENT. Instead of bringing up ENT I'd rather go with "nobody on the Enterprise knew what he looked like, and the computer didn't have a picture either, so the Excalbians had to kludge together an illusion based on what the Enterprise crew thinks he looks like."
* In 2014 a celebrity tweeted the no honorable way to kill line thinking it was an authentic Lincoln quote. It reminds me of the equally fictional Lincon quote from Pollyanna, "If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." At the time Roy Disney actually made souvenir lockets with the quote in it to sell before being told that it was made up!

Nitpickers Guide

* If Lincoln has no knowledge of technology past his lifetime, why did he walk towards a door without a knob knowing it would open?
* How does Kirk not know who Surak is?
* Phil was quick to point out previous ordinary uses of minutes and miles.

[Nate the Great]

I seem to have skipped "That Which Survives" back on January 24th. Oops. I'll have to do that one later.

March 14th, 1969, "All Our Yesterdays"

Fiver (by Marc)
Script
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Captain's log, Stardate 5943.7. We have calculated that Beta Niobe will go nova in approximately three and a half hours. Its only satellite, Sarpeidon, is a Class M planet, which at last report was inhabited by a civilised humanoid species. Now our instruments show that no intelligent life remains on the planet.

One, it'll be mentioned later that these people have no space travel, so where's at least a token mention of the Prime Directive? Meaningless aside, there's at least one novel that has an alien race that perfected antimatter reactors and otherwise have everything necessary to make a warp ship, but never actually invented one. The question arises, is this enough to initiate First Contact?

Two, I would never want to be anywhere near a star that is about to go nova, no matter how confident Spock is in his figures.

Three, if the sensors say nobody's down there and the sun is about to blow, leave! I don't care if it's three and a half hours or three and a half days! Scientific curiosities are not worth risking the lives of the crew!

And once again, the problem could be eliminated through dialogue WITHOUT SPENDING A CENT! Aside for Mr. Atoz, there's no reason why the sun can't go nova a few weeks from now. The ship would still want to rescue the crew, and they'd still want to get out of here ASAP just in case.

ATOZ: You, sir, what is your particular field of interest?
KIRK: What about recent history?
ATOZ: Really? Oh, that's too bad. We have so little on recent history. There was no demand for it.

Ugh. I haven't seen a library yet that doesn't keep a set of recent newspapers around just in case.

KIRK: How long till nova?
SPOCK: Three hours, thirteen minutes.

Spock is precise, so this is the time until nova. However, you have to factor in the travel time for the energy wave or whatever to reach the planet, etc. Furthermore, why isn't Spock pointing out that it would be logical to leave now that we know everyone is safe?

KIRK [OC]: Spock, are you in the library?
SPOCK: Indeed not. We're in a wilderness of arctic characteristics.
MCCOY: He means it's cold.

This joke seems a bit forced. Spock can be verbose, but this time it seems like the writer turned up the obtuseness a bit too far.

ZARABETH: It was not enough that he execute my kinsmen. Zor Kahn determined to destroy our entire family. He used the atavachron to send us places no one could ever find us.

And this is easier than simply executing her family?

JUDGE: We can never go back. We must live out our lives here in the past. The atavachron has prepared our cell structure and our brain patterns to make life natural here. To return to the future would mean instant death.
KIRK: Prepared? I was not prepared. Your Mister Atoz did not prepare me in any way.
JUDGE: Then you must get back at once! If you were not transformed, you can only survive for a few hours here in the past. Come. Hurry. Hurry.

This "preparation" bit confuses me. You're sending people to other points in history, what's there to prepare? Off the top of my head the only thing that springs to mind is altering the physiology to cope with the natural diseases of the time period, but it stands to reason that Federation medical science is advanced enough to immunize Starfleet officers to avoid this problem on alien planets already.

If the idea is instead just to install a killswitch in the body to prevent a return trip, I don't understand the "if you're unprepared and you stay, you die" bit.

KIRK: How much time before the sun blows up?
SCOTT [OC]: Seventeen minutes. You three had better come back right away.

For the sake of argument let's say that the atavachron is one of those "spend X minutes in the past, come back X minutes later than when you left" time machines. Yeah, this doesn't work given the chronology of events given so far. But of course the real question is why Mr. Atoz hung around an empty planet for over two hours when he had a chance to escape.

ZARABETH: Yes. He gave me weapons, a shelter, food. Everything I needed to live except companionship. He did not want it said that he had me killed. But to send me here alone, if that is not death, what is? A very inventive mind, that man.

Exactly, this place is a fate worse than death. And why is Zor Kahnso obsessed with his public image? I kinda thought that tyrants had lots of guns to avoid issues like that.

SPOCK: You are beautiful. More beautiful than any dream of beauty I've ever known.
(He lays her down and .... sets the scene for many fan-fictions)

We'll be covering their kid later.

MCCOY: Spock, you're reverting into your ancestors five thousand years before you were born!

Absurd science, moving on...

The Fiver

Spock: This planet's star will explode in approximately three and a half hours.
Kirk: All right -- then we'll stay on the planet for precisely three and a half hours.
McCoy: Jim, can I explain something about the word "approximately"?

Exactly!

Atoz: I sent them all to safety, one by one, in a race against time.
Kirk: How?
Atoz: In alphabetical order, of course.
McCoy: I bet that all your zekes and Zeldas were thrilled with that policy.

"Race against time" sounds like a reference to something, too bad there are a lot of things named "Race Against Time". I was also reminded of Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged by this scene.

Atoz: Wait! You're not prepared!
(FZONK!)
McCoy: Jim! Spock, let's go after him!
Atoz: I said wait!
(FZONK-FZONK!)

Where did "FZONK" come from?

McCoy: Where the heck are we?
Spock: This icy wasteland resembles Rura Penthe.
McCoy: Never heard of it.
Spock: Count yourself fortunate.

I didn't know that Archer went to Rura Penthe, I also didn't know that the name is a reference to the Disney version of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. The Kelvinverse won't be mentioned in detail since it were made after the fiver.

McCoy: That's a woman? How can you tell?
Spock Because I feel the stirring of my Vulcan blood.

Ew. One wonders if the pon farr was created after the age of Surak.

Kirk: Mr. Atoz's Atavachron didn't prepare me before I came here.
Prosecutor: Oh no! Then you must get back to the library immediately!
Kirk: Gladly -- but why the rush?
Prosecutor: Think "substantial fines imposed for late returns."

I'm a fan of library humor.

McCoy: I didn't know you ate chicken, Spock.
Spock: Normally not, but in the absence of steak tartare it will have to do.

So if Spock has to eat meat, he'd rather eat raw meat? I'd imagine that the ancient Vulcans would've seen the logic of cooking their meat faster than humans did.

McCoy: Spock, I'm very sorry about Zarabeth. Are you back to your usual logical self?
Spock: Of course. After all, she has been dead and buried for five thousand years.
McCoy: That's what you call logic? Buried by whom?
Spock: Uh...good question.

Zar buried her, of course.

Memory Alpha

* No appearance by Sulu, Chekov, or Uhura, and Scotty is just a voiceover. I don't like this. Frankly I would've dropped the inane Kirk-in-the-Middle-Ages plot and had the rest of the cast search for Spock and McCoy a la Past Tense. There's no reason for Mr. Atoz to stay after sending the three back, so the crew would find and use the empty library to look for Spock and McCoy.
* No interior shots of the Enterprise. Ugh.
* As SF Debris pointed out, this episode has the latest stardate in TOS.
* Only appearance of time travel affecting the mental state of time travelers. The destruction of the Intrepid is brought up. It's a somewhat terrifying thought: all Vulcans are subconsciously connected via a telepathic network and can affect each other.
* If the time portal turned off the phaser, how come McCoy's medical equipment still works?

Memory Beta

Okay, time to bring up Zar, son of Spock and Zarabeth. He appears in the novels "Yesterday's Son" and "Time For Yesterday." I won't reveal too many details as you should read the books for yourselves, but a summary: Spock uses the Guardian of Forever to go back for him, but Zar eventually goes back, albeit to the populated part of the planet. Eventually Zar becomes a benevolent sort of warlord, attempting to introduce technology and knowledge from the Enterprise to improve the lives of the people. Oh, and Spock will eventually be a grandfather!

Nitpicker's Guide

Why does Zarabeth look like this if she expected to be alone for the rest of her life?

[Nate the Great]

January 24th, 1969, "That Which Survives"

Fiver (by Derek)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

SPOCK: The age of this planet would seem to be only a few thousand years. It would be impossible for vegetation to evolve in so short a period.
KIRK: Its size is approximately that of Earth's moon.
SPOCK: But its mass and atmosphere are similar to Earth.
KIRK: That would be difficult to explain.
SPOCK: It would be impossible, Captain. An atmosphere could not evolve in so short a period of time.
KIRK: And yet it has.
SPOCK: Evidently. But the inconsistencies are so compounded as to present a seemingly impossible phenomenon.

Those wily Magratheans have been hard at work it seems. Once again a TOS episode starts with questions that will never be answered. Grrr....

SULU: What kind of earthquakes do they have in this place?
KIRK: I don't know. Any more like that and they'll tear this planet apart.

Obviously not, or else the planet wouldn't be here for you to visit. Unless you're going to claim that this earthquake doesn't have a natural cause and this is really the first one this strong.

D'AMATO: Captain, this tremor we felt, if that's what it was, it's certainly like no seismic disturbance I've ever felt before. I got a reading of almost immeasurable power, but it's not there any more.
KIRK: Could seismic stress have accounted for it?

If a tricorder can't tell the difference between a power source and seismic stress, you need to return it for a refund.

MCCOY: Could it be the Enterprise hit the planet?
SULU: Once in Siberia there was a meteor so great that it flattened whole forests and was felt as far away as
KIRK: Mister Sulu, if I'd wanted a Russian history lesson, I'd have brought along Mister Chekov.

Burn! This is probably in reference to the Tunguska Event. 770 square miles of forests.

AHDA: It doesn't make any sense. But somehow I'd say that in a flash we've been knocked one thousand light years away from where we were.
SPOCK: Nine hundred and ninety point seven light years to be exact, Lieutenant.
SCOTT: But that's not possible. Nothing can do that.

The only thing I can think of that can do this would be Q. A thousand light years is about as far as a ship goes in a year in the 24th century. For the 23th century we're probably talking about closer to two. Yet another indication that TOS speeds are way faster than TNG speeds, when both the center and edge of the galaxy aren't considered extremely distant journeys.

SULU: All vegetation is inedible. Poison to us.

I hate nonsense like this. First, Sulu can't have scanned all possible plantlife within easy walking distance in so short a time. Second, plants get poisonous because of natural selection, the ones that don't prove poisonous to the local wildlife tend to get eaten. No animals mean no poison.

KIRK: Yes. I don't see any water, but there must be some to grow the vegetation. A source of water would stretch our survival.

Yeah, by a matter of a few days. It's stuff like this that suggests that the crew are idiots for not beaming down to uninhabited planets without taking at least a backpack survival kit. Surely one of the redshirts could carry some energy bars, a tarp to extract water from the atmosphere, a blanket, etc.

SULU: Poor D'Amato. What a terrible way to die.
KIRK: There are no good ways, Sulu.

Fair enough, but some ways are better than others and Kirk's line almost seems like preaching. Are we sure Gene wasn't around this season?

RAHDA: We're holding warp eight point four, sir. If we can maintain it, our estimated time of arrival is eleven and one half solar hours.

They're implying that Warp 8 in TOS can cover a thousand light years in 12 hours. I did the math before discovering that Memory Alpha did it for me. 765,000 times the speed of light, faster than any other method of travel that's not caused by Kes or Q. And of course the big problem is that the thousand light years wasn't required and was clearly only put there to imply a large distance.

Using the usual TOS warp speed equation, this distance takes almost two years. A reasonable twelve hour high warp distance in TOS would be...wait for it...2 light years. Not quite as dramatic a number, is it? Another site says that to achieve these kinds of speeds you're talking warp factor 90 or so.

FYI, if the Kelvans modified the engines to do the journey to the Andromeda galaxy (2.537 million ly) in three hundred years, that's about warp factor 9.5. TLDR, this thousand light year thing is absolutely insane.

KIRK: We've got to figure this out and devise a defence against it. Is it possible that the rocks have life?
SULU: You remember on Janus Six, the silicon creatures
MCCOY: But our instruments recorded that. They were life forms. They registered as life forms.

It's nice to hear a reference to the Horta.

KIRK: This planet has no magnetic field.

Absolutely insane. I can't imagine why someone would build a planet without a magnetic field. Were the Magratheans too busy so the second-stringers had to be brought in?

UHURA: Yes, sir. Mister Spock what are the chances of the captain and the others being alive?
SPOCK: Lieutenant, we are not engaged in gambling.

Huh? He did this very thing back in the Horta episode! Spock can calculate these kinds of odds in less time than it took to say that sentence!

SCOTT: I've sealed off the aft end of the service crawlway, and I've positioned explosive separator charges to blast me clear of the ship if I rupture the magnetic bottle. I'm so close to the flow now it feels like ants crawling all over my body.

So I guess saucer separation really isn't a thing yet. As for plasma flow, Geordi didn't find it nearly this unpleasant.

SPOCK: Please do not take your eyes off of it. Lieutenant Rahda, arm the pod jettison system.
RAHDA: Aye, sir. I'll jettison the pod at the first sign of trouble.

So wait, did Scotty set up charges, or are they using a built-in system like the one that supposedly killed Finney?

The Fiver

D'Amato: I don't think it's actually a Genesis planet, sir. I mean, the Genesis project hasn't even been started yet.

I'm pretty sure it has. The real question is whether Carol is still experimenting in a lab or if the asteroid cavern has been started yet.

Losira: That not important. I am for you, Lieutenant D'Amato.
D'Amato: A metamorph? Sweet.

Coincidentally I watched SF Debris' review of The Perfect Mate just the other day.

Sulu: Since he's dead, no use in him going to waste, right?
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, I'm am offended at your insinuation. Offended!

I'm not very fond of cannibalism jokes unless they're actually funny. Like the old one about them not eating clowns because they taste funny...

Scotty: If by "intentional" you mean "sabotage", then yes. We may not be able to stop.
Spock: No worries. We can just use the kemacite in our cargo hold.
Scotty: We're out of kemacite.

Nice Little Green Men reference, but I'd have had Scotty make a punchline about how it doesn't arrive until Tuesday.

Losira: I am for you, James Kirk.
Kirk: I bet you're a copy of the woman that left you here, aren't you? And it's such a perfect copy that you don't really want to kill me, do you?
Losira: What makes you say that, Kirk-unit?

STTMP, too? The desire to bring out my TOS Bingo card has come back.

Nitpickers Guide

* The only time Kirk has refused a beautiful woman's advances. Surely something to record in the log!

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

The Fiver

Captain's Log: The Enterprise crew is suffering from Rigellian fever, which will kill us all in hours if left untreated. Fortunately, we just happen to be in orbit around the only planet in forty-seven bazillion light years with the cure. Even more fortunately, the planet appears to be uninhabited, and there are no foreseeable obstacles to success. Place your bets.
Sulu: 100 credits on Klingons.
Chekov: 75 on a gaseous space entity... OF CHAIRS!
Uhura: (shudder) All section heads report their bets are in, sir.
Safe money on non-corporeal being. To you, Spock.
Spock: I'm getting Trelane vibes. 500 credits on a super-powered hermit.

Ah, TOS Bingo, it’s a classic. My money is on lethal plants that will kill a redshirt in the first minute.

Yep, that whole scene is classic.

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

February 28th, 1969, "The Cloud Minders"
[...]

I'm glad that the series is almost over, because this whole "we need something on Planet A to stop a disaster on Planet B" thing is really getting old.

And it kept appearing in TNG.

The Fiver

[...]

Spock: Why do you not trust Advisor Plasus' coordinates?
Kirk: I knew the guy once. He was a scoundrel.

Plasus is played by Jeff Corey, who appeared with William Shatner and John deLancie (and Alexi Roshenko actor Theodore Bikel) in a 1977 TV miniseries called Testimony of Two Men. This is what's called an overly obscure joke. Did anyone other than IJD GAF ever get this one?

No, but I just took it as a Lando Calrissian reference, so it wasn't wasted.

Spock: So let me get this straight. The troglytes desire only equality?
Vanna: That's right.
Kirk: No, no. S&M has nothing to do with equality....
Spock: (ignoring Kirk) Then why are you withholding the zienite shipment? We're not here to oppress you.
Kirk: Yeah! We're here to undress you!
Droxine: I wanna be undressed....
Vanna: Do I have to listen to all this? I think you should just send me to the interrogation obelisk and get it over with.
Droxine: Oh please, you're just a Troglyte; what do you know about thinking? I say we just send her to the interrogation obelisk.
Kirk: Sounds kinky.
Droxine: Quiet, you.

This is an entertainingly chaotic scene.

Yarnek: Aw, is everything taken but "Savage Curtain of Death"?
Spock: Looking at the title I'd say that's a safe assumption.

Poor Yarnek.

[Nate the Great]

I forgot to do Turnabout Intruder. Give me a bit more time.

[Nate the Great]

Here we are; the last TOS episode. We still have TNG to tide us over until DS9 and TAS start.

June 3rd, 1969, "Turnabout Intruder"

No Fiver
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

JANICE: Your world of starship captains doesn't admit women. It isn't fair.
KIRK: No, it isn't. And you punished and tortured me because of it.

We might as well get this out of the way; this idea is ludicrous and I don't blame later Trek for completely ignoring it. And the stupidest idea is that it wasn't necessary in the first place! All that had to be done is introducing a Ben Finney-style incompetence on Lester's part that would've kept her away from command. Or even something closer to Eddington-she was railroaded into a career path that may have played to her talents but wasn't making her as much job satisfaction as command would've ("Tapestry", anyone?)

JANICE: I loved you. We could've roamed among the stars.

You want command, he wants command. You couldn't have served aboard the same ship. Plus it seems like marriage wouldn't have made you happy anyway.

JANICE/KIRK: You had your chance, Captain Kirk. You should've smothered the life in me. Then they would have said Doctor Janice Lester died of radiation poisoning in the line of duty. Why didn't you do it? You always wanted to. Didn't you? You had the strength to do it. But you were afraid.

First, while this transcript maintains the body as the sole speaker tag I'll be using Janice/Kirk and Kirk/Janice to indicate the mind/body. Second, when did Kirk express a desire to kill Janice?

JANICE/KIRK: Believe me, it's better to be dead than to live alone in the body of a woman.

Ouch. I so want to snark about whether we're sure Gene wasn't on staff anymore, but I will refrain. Again, this problem could've been solved with a simple change: for Kirk to live without being in command of the Enterprise, or even in Starfleet would be a living hell. More than enough punishment without introducing sexism and misogyny.

JANICE/KIRKoctor McCoy, you and Doctor Coleman seem to disagree on diagnosis.
MCCOY: No, not entirely. We both agree it's radiation. Doctor Coleman isn't prepared to say what form of radiation.
JANICE/KIRK: Will it affect your arriving at a correct treatment?
MCCOY: It's crucial.

I'm pretty sure that McCoy "outranks" Coleman even before you introduce the fact that he's CMO of the ship you're on. This conversation seems to be pointless.

JANICE/KIRK: He hung onto life too hard. I couldn't
COLEMAN: You couldn't because you love him. You want me to be his murderer.
JANICE/KIRK: Love? Him? I love the life he led. The power of a starship commander. It's my life now.

There's an interesting philosophical discussion to be had here: what were Lester's feelings and desires before and after Kirk came along and right now. Furthermore, I think it's safe to say that Kirk wasn't a captain during the initial relationship. Was her love always on an unconscious level only?

COLEMAN: Doctor Lester and her staff have been under my supervision for two years. If you don't follow my recommendations, responsibility for her health or her death will be yours.

Well, yeah! Is this supposed to be a threat? I'm pretty sure you don't get to become chief medical officer without being able to handle patient deaths, even deaths where you didn't do all of the treatment.

JANICE/KIRK: Doctor McCoy, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to take you off the case and turn it over to Doctor Coleman.
MCCOY: You can't do this! On this ship my medical authority is final!

Exactly! What is this accomplishing besides causing suspicion of Janice? Was there no drug handy that could've pushed Kirk into a coma that looks like radiation poisoning?

JANICE/KIRK [OC]: The Enterprise is proceeding to its next mission, on the course set before I took over command. Now the years I spent studying every single detail of the ship's operation will be tested. With a little experience, I will be invulnerable to suspicion.

Now comes the time to really point out the main flaw in Lester's plan: not everything can be a part of the records available to her? Maybe the basic ship's layout, what's on each deck, etc. would be available to her, but not a current crew manifest or the complete details of every mission. If we wanted to we could come up with a list of episodes where the details would have to be classified above the level that Janice would have access to, "The Enterprise Incident" and "Metamorphosis" come to mind immediately.

SPOCK: If the diagnosis of Doctor Lester's illness is the critical problem, then the Benecia Colony is definitely not the place for her. Their medical facilities are the most primitive.
JANICE/KIRK: They will have to serve.
SPOCK: Starbase Two is fully equipped and staffed with the necessary specialists to determine exactly what is wrong with the doctor. Is that not crucial to your decision?
JANICE/KIRK: Thank you, Mister Spock, but the facilities will be of little use if Doctor Lester's dead. Time is of the essence.

I find it hard to believe that the medical facilities of any colony would be better than the Enterprise, except perhaps in patient capacity. Yet again, a scene that introduces plot holes for the sole purpose of creating suspicion of Janice/Kirk. A better writer could've done this premise so much better.

LYSA: Captain, shall I advise Starfleet Command of the change of plan?
JANICE/KIRK: No change of plan has been ordered, Lieutenant. Our arrival at Beta Aurigae will merely be delayed. Our gravitational studies of that binary system will not suffer, and a life may be saved! That is not unusual procedure for the Enterprise.
SPOCK: Sir, I believe Starfleet will have to be notified that our rendezvous with the starship Potemkin will not take place as scheduled.

Exactly. A change of plan has been ordered, and even if it's only a matter of hours a change of itinerary should be reported. In particular when it's a rendezvous with another starship.

[Nate the Great]

JANICE/KIRK: I won't submit to this petty search for revenge!
MCCOY: But you will submit to Starfleet regulations, and they state that the ship surgeon will require full examination of any crew member that he has doubts about, including the captain.

Exactly. You'd almost think that Lester was blowing hot air when she said that she studied how to impersonate Kirk.

Captain's log, stardate unknown. I have lost track of time. I am still held captive in a strange body and separated from all my crew.

If this log is supposed to be made at the time, how did Kirk/Janice get access to a recorder for this? If this log is suppose to be made after the mission, why doesn't he know the stardate?

(Chapel leaves, Janice pours the drink on the floor and breaks the glass against the bed. Then she uses it to cut the strap holding her down)

Cue another transparent aluminum quip. Even if plastic cups were still being perfected in the sixties, paper Dixie cups were ubiquitous. Who hands a glass cup to a person who is restrained and suspected of being mentally unbalanced?

GALLOWAY: The captain said no one is allowed to speak to Doctor Lester.
SPOCK: Has such an order ever included his senior officers?
GALLOWAY: No, sir.

Exactly. If you give the captain such powers it can only lead to abuse and tyranny. Do we really want another Garth of Izar on our hands?

MCCOY: The Robbiani dermal-optic is crucial. It reveals the basic emotional structure. You had one once before. Now I need another one to compare with that previous test. There should be no change in your dermal-optic reactions to the colour wavelengths.

The idea of an emotional fingerprint that can be done without a telepath is a wonderful idea that should've been explored further. An episode based around Troi vs a refined (and hacked by the bad guys) version of this device would've been interesting. But I guess the same plot hole that sucked up the pychotricorder also ate this thing.

KIRK/JANICE: You are closer to the captain than anyone in the universe. You know his thoughts. What does your telepathic mind tell you now?

I'll just link to the Spock tribute video "The Good of the One" here. The last sentence here was mixed with the music well.

JANICE/KIRK: You claim that, that you are Captain James T. Kirk?
KIRK/JANICE: No. I am not Captain Kirk. That is very apparent. I claim that whatever it is that makes James Kirk a living being special to himself is being held here in this body.

There's plenty to be discussed here about personal identity vis a vis thoughts and bodies, but I suspect that it'd get tedious rather quickly.

SPOCK: Sir, there is only one issue here. Is the story of life-entity transfer believable? This crew has been to many places in the galaxy. They've been witness to many strange events. They are trained to know that what seems to be impossible often is possible, given the scientific analysis of the phenomenon.

While I can see where Spock is coming from, this is a slippery slope. To claim that anything can be proven scientifically possible somewhere just raises more questions.

JANICE/KIRK: Mister Spock, have you ever heard of a case such as described by Doctor Janice Lester?
SPOCK: Not precisely, no.

What about Sargon and company? They should've been namedropped at the very least.

JANICE/KIRK: (thumping the table) It is mutiny! Deliberate, vindictive, insane at its base! But mutiny is charged, and encouragement to mutiny. Doctor McCoy, Mister Scott, you heard it! On the basis of these statements, I call for an immediate vote, by the powers granted to me as captain of the Enterprise. A recess is declared, to be followed by a vote.

Jeez, Janice, you really thought your plan through, didn't you? You really should've killed Kirk/Janice when you had the chance!

SULU: The death penalty is forbidden. There's only one exception.
CHEKOV: General Order Four. It has not been violated by any officer on the Enterprise.

This is misleading. General Order Four says no death penalty, only trumped by General Order Seven (no going to Talos IV).

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also points out the General Order 4/7 thing. (Hey, look at that!)
* Phil points out Chapel's difference in hair color (brunette instead of blonde) as a production problem. I disagree. It's weird but not a problem. Wigs and hair dyes will still exist in the 23rd century, I presume.