The Dicer is Coming!

[Nate the Great]

I suppose it's a tossup.

As for your new sig, I'm sorry, but I love the goat people gag. If you wanted to include both, that'd be good too. In retrospect, "this self-referential gag works because it's funny" could be seen as either remarkably shallow or incredibly clever because it LOOKS remarkably shallow. It's a tossup.

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Part One: The Original Draft

[...]

Worf: We're being hailed, sir.
Pilot: Help me! I've been trapped in a small shuttle with an insane woman for three days!
Lwaxana: Hi there! I'm here to make the episode interesting!
Riker: Is that a good thing?
Troi: Better than talking to fishsticks all day.
Riker: That's debatable.

I love the pilot's exasperation, but once again, I fell victim to the fault of making fun of the plot and/or the fiving process to attempt to create a joke. I think Riker's dialogue is great, though.

Agreed; if the plot is that transparent then it's fair game IMHO; and agreed.

Lwaxana: Where's the captain?
Troi: Busy.
Lwaxana: Then I'll propose to Riker.
Troi: Let me revise my previous answer.

THIS is classic.

Agreed.

Lwaxana: I find that line predictable and trite. Good thing I like that in a man.
Picard: Should I be offended?

I consider those last two lines to be one of the best couplets I've ever written for a fiver.

Seems quite possible to me.

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Part Two: The Final Draft

Captain's Log: Today we get to escort two giant frozen fish sticks to a peace conference. And I thought that grocery stores didn't deliver anymore....
Pulaski: The Antedean delegates are fine, sir.
Picard: Excellent, Doctor.
Wesley: What's in the barrel?
Pulaski: It's fish for their wake-up snack. They think that replicated fish tastes a little too fishy, somehow.

Okay, same basic jokes, but fleshed out.

It does read a little better, yes.

Plus we in fiverland who never watch episodes (if there are any)

*makes a vague waving motion*

Data: So, to sum up, I'm the most boring guy in existence.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data. My my, look at the time!
Data: How does one look at a nonphysical quantity?

Marc was right that two punchlines aren't required for this gag.

Quite so.

I love the phrase "zoot suit."

It's a real riot, isn't it?

Lwaxana: Rex and I are getting married!
Data: A telepath marrying a hologram. Query: Does this qualify as a joke?
Picard: Data, anything that ties up plot threads in a fiver qualifies as a joke.
Riker: As long as I don't have to marry her, you can call it anything you like.

This self-referential gag works because it's funny.

Indeed it does!

[Nate the Great]

Yeah, who cares about fiver fans (fivies?) that don't watch the episodes?

Yeah, that reminds me, had we agreed on fivie as the term for a fiver fan, or is that yet another example of my dementia?

I suppose my next dicer should be Ocarina of Time. Of course I'd include an improved version of it as well, since I don't have the original draft anymore. However, I really think that someone else should post a dicer in here. Just a few MST-like ramblings on the final draft. Come on, you know you want to!

[AKAArzosah]

I love the goat people quote too but I like to change around every now and again. I would have changed my picture long ago if I could be bothered going to all that effort to get/make a new one.

I also don't like my siggy to be too long - I consider it a little too long at the moment, as it is.

[Nate the Great]

Then chuck Serenity. Yes, I'm that narcissistic.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Here, have a mirror.

(Everybody, while he's distracted, let's go through his stuff! I call dibs on his action figures!)

[Nate the Great]

The dicer project will have to be on hold while I try to get my clonever project going.

[Nate the Great]

Or not. Altvers seem to be yesterdays news. Oh well.

[PointyHairedJedi]

I suspect we all are letting stuff slide when it comes to the site? Five-Minute 24, fer instance...

[Nate the Great]

I'm not going to point fingers; it's just not a smart thing to do.

I really should go back to the OOT dicer, shouldn't I?

[Nate the Great]

With the recent rediscovery of the Stargate fivers, I've decided to revive the dicer concept, running through my fivers in order. While I'll be copying over everything here, I recommend running through each fiver in its original format first, then coming back here for the commentary.

Entry One: "The Enemy Within"

HAMMOND: These are the first two planets you're going to go to.
O'NEILL: Flip you for it.
DAVIS: Incoming traveller! Closing the iris.
(Thump thump thump)
HAMMOND: Let's hope the Goa'uld give up soon.
KAWALSKY: I've got a headache. I'll go to the infirmary.

Haha, "Davis". Poor old Walter Harriman went through his share of placeholder names before becoming a true secondary character, didn't he? Anyway, this is a terrible scene. "Flip you for it" is the only real joke, I could've done better.

HAMMOND: Colonel Kennedy is coming to interrogate Teal'c.
O'NEILL: Doesn't that sound fun?

Sound like fun, Jack. And couldn't I have made a JFK or KFC joke?

O'NEILL: Teal'c, I'm sorry to say that some of my superiors are coming to experiment on you.
TEAL'C: I need to earn their trust.
O'NEILL: Yep.

What a snorefest. Where's the joke?

DOCTOR: How long have you been having these headaches?
KAWALSKY: Ever since I got back from Chulak.
DOCTOR: Look at that lump on your neck!
KAWALSKY: What lump? (Kills Doctor. Eyes glow.) Oh, that lump.

If I was writing this today, I'd probably attempt to spin off that old Looney Tunes joke regarding lumps of sugar and lumps on the head.

DANIEL: We need to find this device near the Stargate if we want to come back. Hey, what's Kawalsky doing there?
KAWALSKY: What am I doing here?
O'NEILL: You must have blacked out. Back to the infirmary with you.

Coma, here I come!

KENNEDY: Hi Teal'c. What do you know about how Goa'uld ships or Stargates work?
TEAL'C: Nothing.
KENNEDY: Well that was helpful.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
KENNEDY: Where did they get their slaves?
TEAL'C: From the First World, the Tau'ri.
DANIEL: Teal'c, humans evolved here.
TEAL'C: You are the Tau'ri? Wow.
O'NEILL: Indeed.

It's always nice when people other than Teal'c use "indeed", but this scene was too long.

CARTER: You need to get some sleep.
DANIEL: I know that. I just need to show the viewers I haven't forgotten about Sha're.
CARTER: OK.

This scene could've been extended, I could've even thrown in a repeat of the lump joke from earlier.

WARNER: There's a Goa'uld in Kawalsky's brain.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Time to kidnap Carter in a futile escape attempt.
CARTER: Why me?
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: You're the closest.

I feel that I could've come up with something better than "bummer", possibly involving "buzzkill" or "wet blanket." I also think I could've made the punchline more foreboding, involving a prediction of Jolinar or something.

CARTER: You'll never escape.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Shut up. (Throws her against wall)
O'NEILL: What's going on?
KAWALSKY: Help me get her to the infirmary!

On second thought, if I was rewriting this today I'd skip the whole "kidnap Carter" thing to make room for other jokes and plot points.

HAMMOND: Can you remove the Goa'uld?
WARNER: Maybe.
KAWALSKY: You need to cut it out of me!
O'NEILL: Later.

Toss this whole scene, merge the plot points with a later one.

KENNEDY: Teal'c, we need to make sure that it's not your Goa'uld in Kawalsky.
TEAL'C: OK. (He pulls it out)
O'NEILL: Yuck!

Again, there's a better O'Neill punchline somewhere...

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Send me through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Not until we take you out of Kawalsky.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: You will all die!

Where's the joke?

KENNEDY: Maybe we should leave the Goa'uld inside Kawalsky if they'll both die if we remove it.
HAMMOND: Let me think about it. No.

That should be two different sentences. Furthermore, I should've had a joke where Hammond lords over Kennedy.

KAWALSKY: If this doesn't work kill me.
O'NEILL: OK.

Unneeded scene, skip it, skip it!

WARNER: The procedure worked!
O'NEILL: How much time do we have left in the episode?
WARNER: About twenty minutes.
O'NEILL: Then I'm sure it didn't.

Finally, a fiver-worthy scene!

KENNEDY: I'm going to turn Teal'c into a guinea pig!

Why is this here?

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Serve me, Jaffa!
TEAL'C: No.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Then die!
TEAL'C: Sorry, I'm a main character. I can't die.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

You gotta love main character invulnerability.

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: I'll go to Chulak!
TEAL'C: I think not.
O'NEILL: Let me stick your head in the wormhole. Turn it off!
DANIEL: Ouch.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

A little tweaking is needed, but this one isn't so bad.

HAMMOND: Thinks to a quick call to the President, Teal'c isn't going to be sent away after all.
O'NEILL: Goody.
HAMMOND: Time to go on your first mission and forget Kawalsky ever existed.
O'NEILL: OK.

Again, O'Neill saying "goody" is weird. "Cool" would be way better.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Two, "Solitudes"

(Daniel and Teal'c fall out of Stargate)
HAMMOND: Where are Jack and Sam?
TEAL'C: They must have taken wrong turn somewhere.

No mention of Albuquerque? I would've referenced Weird Al AND Bugs Bunny given this opportunity.

TEAL'C: We were under fire. They were right behind us.
TECHNICIAN: You broke the Stargate. It'll take a few days to fix it.
HAMMOND: Bummer.

There should've been a voided warranty joke in here somewhere. Given a little more time I think I could've come up with something more Hammond-esque than "bummer" as well.

O'NEILL: Where are we?
CARTER: In some kind of ice cavern. I can't find Daniel or Teal'c. Oh,
and you broke your leg.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
CARTER: Here's the DHD. It's frozen in a block of ice!
O'NEILL: Double bummer.

The last line should've been "And me without my Fire Arrows." Who cares if it's a relatively obscure Zelda joke, it would've made me smile.

HAMMOND: We'll see if they're on that planet you were on.
TECHNICIAN: The probe was blown up as soon as it got there!
HAMMOND: Bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Seriously, Past Nate, knock it off with all the bummers!

DANIEL: Due to technobabble, they must be on one of these planets.
HAMMOND: Start searching.

CARTER: I've uncovered the DHD. I'm trying it now.

DANIEL: Why did the room start shaking?

There's a milkshake joke in here somewhere.

CARTER: It's not working!
O'NEILL: Take the supplies and climb out.
CARTER: I won't leave you!
O'NEILL: That's an order.
CARTER: OK.

Zzzzzz.....

HAMMOND: We've searched all of the planets. Time to give up.
DANIEL: Wait a minute! There must be a second Stargate! That's what was
making the ground shake! They're here on Earth!
HAMMOND: Why didn't you figure this out earlier?
DANIEL: We had to fill an hour.
TECHNICIAN: The earthquake came from Antarctica.
HAMMOND: OK, lets go rescue them just before they freeze to death.

The ever classic "we had to fill an hour"/Idiot Plot joke.

CARTER: It's an ice planet! We're doomed!
HAMMOND: No you're not!
CARTER: Where did you come from?
HAMMOND: Who knows? We only had five minutes left.

A few too many "five minute" jokes in this one.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Three: "The Serpent's Lair"

CARTER: We've set all of our explosives to blow up this ship.
O'NEILL: Great. Prepare to detonate.
TEAL'C: Uh-oh. Apophis' ship is coming.
O'NEILL: I knew it couldn't be this easy.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GRENADE: Boom.

"Uh-oh"? That doesn't sound like Teal'c. "Set all of our explosives?" Just "We're ready to blow up this ship" would have been adequate.

O'NEILL: Ouch. I'm blind!
TEAL'C: That's just a side effect of the grenade, included for the sake of these cute blind moments.
O'NEILL: That's fun. Not!
CARTER: Now I can see!
O'NEILL: What happened to the blind moments?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes.
O'NEILL: Right.

I should've either skipped the blind stuff or expanded it to have jokes throughout the rest of the fiver (including several Daredevil punchlines, of course).

BRA'TAC: Time to ressurect Klorel to stall for time!

SAMUELS: Hi.
HAMMOND: Not you again.
SAMUELS: Look at my nifty new naquadah warheads! I'm going to blow up the Goa'uld ships!
HAMMOND: Yea, right.

Should've turned Samuels into more of a pyromaniac. And for some reason I forgot the "h" in "yeah."

APOPHIS: Excecute the humans!
BRA'TAC: OK.

There's another typo. Ugh.

BRA'TAC: Hi.
O'NEILL: Hi.
BRA'TAC: I was going to make Apophis and Korel kill each other, but you had to interfere, didn't you?
O'NEILL: Nice to see you, too.

Should've explained Korel a bit.

HAMMOND: Why are the ships just hanging there?

BRA'TAC: Here are your weapons. We need to stall until your spacecraft destroy this ship.
DANIEL: Well, all we have is shuttles but due to budgetary constraints we can't afford a space battle scene.
BRA'TAC: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Ha ha. Should've tracked down when SG-1 actually did start doing space battles so I could say "we won't be able to do that for X years."

HAMMOND: You are the best and the brightest people that we can find. In case the planeet goes foom, you're going to start a new society at Alpha site.

"Planeet"? I must've forgotten to use my spellchecker before sending it to Nan. There should've been an Adam and Eve joke from one of the Alpha Site colonists.

O'NEILL: So even with a few gliders we couldn't destroy Apophis' ship?
TEAL'C: Indeed.
CARTER: Well, the explosives will blow up this ship.
O'NEILL: So we need to get to the other one.

There has to be a funnier way to cover this.

SAMUELS: There go my missiles! How exciting!

APOPHIS: Missiles? Don't make me laugh! Shields!

HAMMOND: The missiles didn't work.
SAMUELS: Drat.

Skip the Apophis line, combine the two Samuels scenes, and add a joke.

BRA'TAC: Do you have any more explosive?
CARTER: Nope.
BRA'TAC: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Should've thrown in a MacGyver joke, "not unless you have a stick of chewing gum and some duct tape" or something.

SAMUELS: I'm scared.
HAMMOND: Cry me a river. Go and sulk in the corner.

DANIEL: I'm shot. Leave me behind.
O'NEILL: I won't.
DANIEL: I'm a main character. I can't die.
O'NEILL: Right, I keep forgetting.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do use the main character invulnerability joke a lot, don't I?

BRA'TAC: I directed the two ships toward each other. If we disable the shields on Apophis' ship it will be destroyed along with this one.
O'NEILL: Thanks to our last two grenades the shields are gone.
BRA'TAC: That was way too easy.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

HAMMOND: I've launched the shuttle. Hopefully the budget will let us see it this time.

DANIEL: Hi. I used the Stargate on the ship with a second to go on the detonation.
HAMMOND: Lucky you.
DANIEL: Not luck, my contract.

I've said it before, the main character invulnerability joke is always funny.

O'NEILL: Good thing we were on these gliders when the ships blew up.
CARTER: Oh-oh, we were damaged in the explosion. I guess we're going to die after all.
O'NEILL: I think not. There's a shuttle right there.
CARTER: Wow! I thought I'd never see one of those!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

How could a space shuttle dock with a death glider?

BRA'TAC: Hi, Hammond. I've got to go.
O'NEILL: Great. Please don't show up again until next season.

I don't know why I said this. I like Bra'tac, and he'll appear seven episodes from now anyway.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Four: "Need"

O'NEILL: Look at the Jaffa carrying naquadah through the Stargate.
CARTER: We can see them.
O'NEILL: Well the reader didn't.
CARTER: Oh.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This must've been early on before I learned to dial back on this sort of fourth wall-breaking expositional gag.

DANIEL: She's going to jump!
CARTER: Who?
DANIEL: That woman there on the edge of the cliff.
CARTER: So now we can see them? Stop confusing me.
O'NEILL: Calm down.
DANIEL: My turn to be the hero, right?
O'NEILL: Let me check the schedule. Okay.... hmmm... yep, your episode.
DANIEL: Good. I'll go rescue her.

I do like the schedule gag.

SHYLA: Huh?
JAFFA: Get away from her!
O'NEILL: Sure.

"Huh?" doesn't seem to fit. That should've been more descriptive.

SHYLA: This is my dad, Pyrus the God Slayer.
O'NEILL: What a great name. Do you put that on your income tax returns? Occupation: God Slayer.
PYRUS: Silence! Off the naquadah mine with you!
O'NEILL: Bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do like the occupation gag, whether for tax returns or business cards.

JAFFA: Dig!
O'NEILL: You know I would, but I'll think I'll futilely try to excape now.
JAFFA: OK.
JAFFA 2: Yeah right.
O'NEILL: I told you it was futile.

Seriously Nate, spellchecker. Should've tried to fit a Borg joke in here.

PYRUS: It stinks that even though I use a sarcophagus I'll still die soon.
SHYLA: Yep, bummer.

I need to dial back on the bummers.

SHYLA: Hi. What's your name?
DANIEL: Daniel Jackson.
SHYLA: Great. Use this sarcophagus to heal your wounds.
DANIEL: Are you sure?
SHYLA: We need to advance the plot. Get in.
DANIEL: OK.

Should've changed the punchline to something like "Are you sure this won't make me crazy?" "I've used it tons of times and I'm the picture of mental health, right?" "That's debatable, but you're hot so okay."

DANIEL: Let my friends go.
SHYLA: I would, but I need to keep them as hostages so I can seduce you.
DANIEL: OK.
SHYLA: By the way, you're my destiny.
DANIEL: Works for me.

I wonder why I didn't make a Captain Kirk joke anywhere in this fiver. For that matter "you're my destiny" just invites a Back to the Future joke, right?

DANIEL: Hi guys. I'd let you go, but I need more time to be seduced by the princess.
O'NEILL: Hey!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

O'Neill should've said "I thought that was my job!"

PYRUS: I killed the Goa'uld 700 years ago.
DANIEL: Kudos to your plastic surgeon.
PYRUS: We keep sending naquadah through the Stargate so they won't reconquer us.
DANIEL: Boy, a plan like that is sure to blow up in your face someday.
PYRUS: Leave now!
DANIEL: Boy, is he touchy.

"Kudos" is a word I use as often as I can, which isn't very often.

SHYLA: We'll convince him to release your friends.
DANIEL: Sounds like plan to me. Wait a sec, aren't you keeping them around so you can seduce me?
SHYLA: That was the general plan.
DANIEL: Well, it worked. You can let my friends go, I'll stay here with you.
SHYLA: Time for another nap in the sarcophagus.
DANIEL: Sure.

That was a weak punchline, should've thrown in a milk and cookies joke, or maybe a teddy bear joke.

DANIEL (over radio): Hi General Hammond. Having a great time. Don't send any troops here or anything.
HAMMOND: I wonder what that was about?

This is okay, I guess.

DANIEL: I'm going to marry Shyla. Oh, and I'm addicted to the sarcophagus too.
O'NEILL: Why does that not sound good?
CARTER: Jolinar told me that the sarcophagus will steal your soul.
O'NEILL: Jolinar again? That plot device is getting old.
CARTER: If I didn't use it the nitpickers would be asking why I don't.
O'NEILL: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

For all of the continuity Stargate SG-1 keeps track of, there are also things that they forgot to follow up on. But as Alton Brown would say, that's another thread.

DANIEL: I'm going home with my friends now, but I'll be back.
SHYLA: I know you'll be back.

Sorry, but no Terminator joke. I haven't watched any of those movies.

DANIEL: Ack!
FRAISER: He's going through sarcophagus withdrawl.
O'NEILL: Serves him right for leaving us to rot in a mine while he had a fling.
FRAISER: But he's dying!
O'NEILL: Serves him right--
FRAISER: Be quiet!

Should've had "my contract says that I get to make out with the alien princesses" in there somewhere.

FRAISER: He's not dying after all.
O'NEILL: Yipee.

DANIEL: I'm alright now. Why don't we go back to that planet now?
O'NEILL: Are you sure?
CARTER: We need the naquadah.
O'NEILL: Oh, fine.

SHYLA: You're back!
DANIEL: Yes, but I'm not staying.
SHYLA: Bummer.
DANIEL: You need to destroy the sarcophagus now.
SHYLA: OK.

Zzzzzz......

[Nate the Great]

There are twelve more of these things, but I guess nobody's interested...

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

DANIEL: She's going to jump!
CARTER: Who?
DANIEL: That woman there on the edge of the cliff.
CARTER: So now we can see them? Stop confusing me.
O'NEILL: Calm down.
DANIEL: My turn to be the hero, right?
O'NEILL: Let me check the schedule. Okay.... hmmm... yep, your episode.
DANIEL: Good. I'll go rescue her.

I do like the schedule gag.

Me too.

SHYLA: This is my dad, Pyrus the God Slayer.
O'NEILL: What a great name. Do you put that on your income tax returns? Occupation: God Slayer.
PYRUS: Silence! Off the naquadah mine with you!
O'NEILL: Bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do like the occupation gag, whether for tax returns or business cards.

Agreed, it's a good one.

"Kudos" is a word I use as often as I can, which isn't very often.

It's a good word.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Five: "The Tok'ra Part One"

CARTER: I just had a freaky dream. It must be the remnant of Jolinar. He was going to a new planet with some Tok'ra.
TEAL'C: The Tok'ra could be useful allies.
O'NEILL: Cool. Let's go.

Zzzz.....

CARTER: Hi Dad. I know you're dying of cancer but I have to go off on this mission.
JACOB: Where?
CARTER: Sorry, that's classified. Ciao!

Should've dialed back on the apathy, there must be a better yet still funny way to say that.

O'NEILL: I wonder where the Tok'ra are.
TEAL'C: Legend says that they live underground.
(The Tok'ra pop up)
CORDESH: Hi. We're the Tok'ra. Let's point our guns at each other to create tension.
O'NEILL: Cool.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Nevist alert! Who cares about Tok'ra legends or the fact that they live underground? Do I use Teal'c's "Indeed" as the punchline of a scene too much?

HAMMOND: Jacob is dying. Guess I'd better go tell him Carter is gone.

Pointless scene, ugh.

CARTER: Hey, it's Martouf! Hi!
MARTOUF: How do you know me?
CARTER: I have the memories of Jolinar.
MARTOUF: Cool.

Should've invented a Martouf-specific word to use instead of "cool." He was something of an awkward geek, so...impressive? Awesome?

JACOB: Where is she?
HAMMOND: That's classified.
JACOB: Drat.

There had to be a way to make this funny. "I can't tell you for another ten minutes of screentime"? "The script says it's too soon to tell you?"

GARSHAW: I'm the Tok'ra in charge here.
O'NEILL: Great. We'd like to form an alliance with you.
GARSHAW: You are too primitive. Request denied.

Should've spun off the "too primitive" thing into a joke. "You're so primitive you still think professional wrestling/cup stacking/etc. is a real sport."

NURSE: Jacob's dying. If you can reach Carter, you'd better do it.
HAMMOND: Even though I've lost contact with SG-1 I'll send SG-3 into possible danger to get Carter.

Ugh, should've restructured the whole fiver so I didn't have to say "Jacob's dying" so much.

YOSUF: This is Selmak. She's dying. If you want to ally with us one of you must become her new host.
TEAL'C: I'm at capacity, sorry.
O'NEILL: I pass.
DANIEL: Sorry.
CARTER: I've already held my Goa'uld for the year.
MARTOUF: I have to take Carter outside to talk about Jolinar.
CARTER: OK.

"At capacity"? The joke is "My tank is already topped off", Nate!

MARTOUF: Jolinar and I were lovers.
CARTER: Okay......
MARTOUF: And coincidently, her former host looked like you.
CARTER: Who would've guessed?

Hey look, I didn't use spellchecker again!

CORDESH: Hey, lookie at my mysterious crystal ball! Trust me, I'll explain in part two.

This joke needs expansion.

MAKEPEACE: Hi. Hammond sent us to get Carter because her dad is dying.
CARTER: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GARSHAW: Since you won't become Selmak's new host, I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you here until we move on.
O'NEILL: Why?
GARSHAW: Because you might blab about which planet we're on. Cue the ominous music.

"Drat" isn't strong enough, but I can't think of a replacement.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Six: "The Tok'ra Part Two"

GARSHAW: Just to recap last week and tell you guys what you already know, you can't ally with us unless one of you becomes Selmak's new host.
O'NEILL: We read the script.
GARSHAW: Well the audience didn't.

I hate how often I used that joke in my early fivers.

CARTER: Wait a minute! Can symbiotes cure cancer?
GARSHAW: Sure.
CARTER: I may have a host for you. My dad is dying.
O'NEILL: I'm sure the audience had that figured out last week.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GARSHAW: Two of you can go get him, but we're keeping the others to make you come back.'

Is there a joke here, besides "Indeed"?

HAMMOND: Are you kidding me?
CARTER: This is the only way to save my dad's life.
O'NEILL: I'll fill in for Teal'c and say 'indeed.'

Hammond's line could stand some expansion.

MARTOUF: The Goa'uld are coming!
GARSHAW: Drat. Start the evacuation.

No Paul Revere joke?

CARTER: I need to tell you what I've been doing.
JACOB: I thought that was classified.
HAMMOND: You just got clearance.
JACOB: Lucky me. So what are you doing?
CARTER: I walk through this huge stone ring and go to alien worlds.
JACOB: Yeah, right.
CARTER: It's true. We may have a cure for you.
JACOB: What cure?
HAMMOND: That's a long story. I'll tell you offscreen since we only have
five minutes to tell this story.
JACOB: OK.

If I was writing this today I'd reference the "lyrics" to the theme song:
Stargate! It's a great big world!
With a great big swirl and you step inside to another world!
We're talking Stargate! It's a crazy trip!
You can go quite far and you don't need a car or even a ship!
There's Colonel O'Neill and Carter and Daniel and Teal'c!
Look out for that G-G-G-G-G-Goa'uld!

O'NEILL: What's going on?
MAKEPEACE: The Goa'uld will be here any minute. We're helping the Tok'ra evacuate.

Zzzz.....

MARTOUF: Hi Dad. I'm in love with your daughter.
JACOB: Huh?
CARTER: That's not till next season.
MARTOUF: Oh, forget I said that.

Call Forward jokes are fun to write.

TEAL'C: We don't know how the Goa'uld found us.
O'NEILL: Oh, did I forget to mention I saw Cordesh with one of those
videophone balls last week?
DANIEL: Yes.
O'NEILL: Sorry, must have slipped my mind.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I feel there must've been more I could've done riffing on the videophone ball.

SELMAK: Hi Jacob. A quick question before I take over your body.
JACOB: Shoot.
SELMAK: What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
JACOB: African or European?
SELMAK: I like you. Let's kiss.
JACOB: OK.

Should've tried to fit more Holy Grail jokes elsewhere in the fiver.

CORDESH: Look at me kill my host so you'll think I'm dead.
O'NEILL: OK.

Should've worded that better; should've included a joke.

MARTOUF: We can't move him until Selmak has healed his cancer.
CARTER: Drat. And the Tok'ra are destroying this place too.
MARTOUF: I'm going to stay until he awakes.
CARTER: Me too.
DANIEL: Can I state for the record that I think this is a bad idea?
CARTER: No.
JACOB: Ouch. What a headache.
MARTOUF: We need to go.

If Jacob was going to wake up in the same scene, either I needed to pad out this scene, make it two scenes, or just ignore the "who's staying" part to make another joke.

JACOB: Hi. I'll be the new liason between the Tok'ra and Earth.
HAMMOND: Good.
DANIEL: Push this box through the Stargate if you need to contact us.
JACOB: Don't call us, we'll call you.
CARTER: Bye Dad.

Hey, another spelling error! I do feel that the whole "message box" thing should've been either used more often or not at all; it's a plot hole waiting to happen. The final line needed to be an actual punchline, too.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Seven: "Holiday"

O'NEILL: Look at all this stuff.
CARTER: Cool! A palm pilot! I've always wanted one of these!
MACHELLO: Hi. I'm Machello.
DANIEL: Hi. I'm Daniel Jackson.
MACHELLO: No, I'm Daniel Jackson. I made these gadgets to fight the Go'auld. Please hold those handles.
(Zap! Daniel in Machello collapses)
MACH/DAN: Weird.
O'NEILL: Teal'c, grab the old guy. Let's go.

Oh man, Palm Pilots. Twenty years ago they were the cool gadget on the block. How times change. Today that'd probably be an Android or something.

CARTER: I can't figure out how to use this palm pilot.
HAMMOND: Bummer. How do you feel, Dr. Jackson?
MACH/DAN: A little tired.
HAMMOND: Take a day off.

I was really on a "bummer" kick at that point in my fiving career. Reading a bunch of these at once really does make the lameness of that joke stand out.

DAN/MACH: I'm Daniel Jackson in Machello's body.
FRAISER: Weird.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
O'NEILL: Let's go get that body-swapping gizmo.

I like the word "gizmo". What a shock.

MACH/DAN: Hi, I'm Machello.
FRED: Hi, I'm Fred. Let's go have some lunch, on you.
MACH/DAN: Sure.

I'm trying to think what nationality someone would think the name "Machello" is if you didn't know ti was alien. Mediterranean or something? Incidentally, why didn't I make a JELLO joke in this fiver?

O'NEILL: Lift on three. One...Two...
(Zap!)
JACK/TEAL'C: Nuts.
TEAL'C/JACK: Indeed.

Today I would've used something else instead of "nuts". Drat or phooey, most likely.

WAITRESS: You need a credit card to eat here.
MACH/DAN: Will one of these do?
WAITRESS: Sure, but I don't plan to return it.
MACH/DAN: OK, kiss me.
WAITRESS: In your dreams.

Could Machello forge Daniel's signature? For that matter, would he know how to work a ballpoint pen?

JACK/TEAL'C: I don't feel so hot.
TEAL'C/JACK: You're sick. You need to meditate so the worm can heal you.
JACK/TEAL'C: Why?
TEAL'C/JACK: Who knows? I guess the writers needed to fill up time. By the way, I'm going to shave your head.
JACK/TEAL'C: Over your dead body.
TEAL'C/JACK: If you don't meditate that can be arranged.
JACK/TEAL'C: Drat.

This scene could be trimmed a bit, but that last joke is good.

HAMMOND: Someone used Dr. Jackson's credit card. I've sent a team to get him. I'm just saying this to bridge these two scenes.

I really don't like single-speaker scenes unless it's a Captain's Log. I should've put more thought into this.

COP: Hands up!
MACH/DAN: Drat.

In fact, I could've just had Hammond mention the arrest and saved a scene.

HAMMOND: Switch everyone back.
MACH/DAN: No.
HAMMOND: OK, lock him up.

Ugh. This scene should've been chucked.

MACH/DAN: If you let out I'll show you how to use my palm pilot.
CARTER: No, the plot demands that you have a poignant heart-to-heart talk with Daniel now.

This one needed another draft.

MACH/DAN: I should live so I can protect you from the Go'auld.
DAN/MACH: I should live so I can find my wife.
MACH/DAN: You'll never find your wife.
DAN/MACH: Yes, I will! Ouch!
FRAISER: He's dying. Carter, we only have five minutes. Time to find a last-minute solution.
CARTER: OK.

"Ouch"? Not "Ack"?

CARTER: Time for musical bodies. First Jack and Machello switch.
(Zap!)
CARTER: Now Teal'c and Daniel.
(Zap!)
DAN/JACK: Whoa, I'm not an old man anymore. Cool!
TEAL'C/MACH: (If he weren't in a dying old man's body I'm sure he'd say "Indeed.")
CARTER: Jack and Daniel.
(Zap!)
DANIEL: It's great to be back.
O'NEILL: Indeed. Whoa, Teal'c hangover!
CARTER: Finally, Teal'c and Machello.
MACH/TEAL'C: You'll never find out how to use my palm pilot!
CARTER: Drat.
(Zap!)
MACHELLO: Thanks for the holiday. Now that the title has been explained I can die.

Way too long of a scene. Way too long.

[Nate the Great]

Entry Eight, "Out of Mind"

(O'Neill is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Colonel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.
O'NEILL: This has to be the worst hangover I've ever had.
TROFSKY: Yes. Want to walk around even though you've just been defrosted?
O'NEILL: Sure.

That last couplet was unnecessary, but if it had to be there I should've had a Minnesota joke along the lines of "I'm from Minnesota, that's what I do every spring anyway."

TROFSKY: Look at that team about to go offworld. We have to go before they activate the Stargate.
O'NEILL: Why?
TROFSKY: To make you suspicious. Now it's time for a trip down memory lane.

Ugh. The joke should've been one of those "easily-distracted" gags. Treat O'Neill like a distracted dog, do a Princess Bride "what in the world could that be", etc.

RALEIGH: This gizmo will project your memories holographically.
TROFSKY: We're still fighting the Goa'uld. Do you know of anyone who could help us beat them?
O'NEILL: The Nox, but they are passive. The Asgard blew up a few Goa'uld ships.
TROFSKY: Good.

Zzzz....where's the obvious villain gag? A "the plan is going perfectly, mwhahaha!" or something...

(Daniel is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Daniel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

(Carter is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Captain. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

Zzzzzz, I needed some variation on these. Trofsky is getting increasingly borerd with each one, he sounds more evil with each one, etc.

TROFSKY: What Goa'uld have you faced?
CARTER: Apophis.

DANIEL: Sokar. Heru-ur. Hathor.

Chuck these, they're a classic example of the nevist fallacy of trying to squeeze every plot point into a fiver.

FRAISER: Hi Teal'c. We can't find the rest of your team. Where are they?
TEAL'C: I do not know.
HAMMOND: Indeed.
TEAL'C: Hey, that's my line!

Today I would've thrown in a "you owe me twenty bucks in royalties" gag or something.

TEAL'C: I will go back and search for them.
HAMMOND: No, you will not.
TEAL'C: I'll resign then. I'm leaving.
HAMMOND: Fine.

Does Teal'c use contractions or not in these fivers? Where's the consistency?

O'NEILL: I just knocked out a guard and escaped! Who's the man! Oh, look, a Serpent Guard! This whole place is a crock!

"Crock?" Where'd that come from?

O'NEILL: Wake up, Captain.
CARTER: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: Likewise. Why don't you put on that guard's clothes instead of
that sheet.
CARTER: Don't you like it?
O'NEILL: Ummm...

This wasn't the place for shipping. Should've spun this into a toga/Greek joke or something. Maybe have Carter cosplay as the Muse of Technobabble or something...

O'NEILL: Hey, Daniel. Wake up!
DANIEL: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: We've already done that scene. By the way, the whole place is a fake.

Mixing and matching straight plot recaps with abridging metahumor needs more finesse than this to work.

HATHOR: Hi. I've kidnapped you to find out about the current events so I can conquer the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Good for you.
HATHOR: How do I find the Asgard?
O'NEILL: Bite me.
HATHOR: How do I open the iris?
CARTER: Like I'm going to tell you.
HATHOR: Fine. Here's a worm. Who should I put it into?

TO BE CONTINUED

"The" current events?