Sci-fi story help - need a little insight on a story i wrote

[Naki]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]heey gatac you mind if i use your suggestion for the first paragraph in my story?[/colorost_uid0]

[Gatac]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Absolutely not. Go ahead.

Gatac[/colorost_uid0]

[Naki]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]thx i'm so puttin you on the dedications page
hell i think i'll even put zeke on there for some reason[/colorost_uid0]

[Gatac]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Since I've been throwing on-the-spot examples all over the place, it's time for some stuff I really did write in a story. Well, kind of.

This one is the "intro" to a series of short stories that I'm co-writing with a friend from California. It's called "Professionals", and centers around a group of relatively low-powered superheroes in a slightly alternate present-day New York City. Also note that it's written as script, while the rest of the story is prose - it just makes more sense, imho.

Set to Moby - Southside:

-----------------------

[FADE IN. ZOOM out of an eye onto a man, eventually seeing him completely, sprawled out face up on the concrete ground. It's clear that he's dead. FADE TO BLACK. White text in a somewhat haphazard font FADES IN.]

Professionals

[FADE IN. PAN around the crime scene - the camera has not moved from it's position from the last scene, but now we see that the scene is filled with cops, doing basic CSI work. Among them, two men stand out from the crowd. The first one is slightly bigger, with blonde hair, and simply stares at the body. FREEZE-FRAME on him, entire picture turns B&W. White lines appear from the middle of the picture and eventually enclose the man's face. It PIXELS a bit and turns back into color, while the framing picture FADES to black. White text appears below the remaining picture. This is our INTRO-FRAMING.]

Guy Pearce as "Jack Schaefer"

[CUT to the second man. He's perhaps a bit smaller than JACK and wears a highly unusual attire - namely, a Hawaii shirt. He seems to be looking for something, then suddenly bows down, reaches out with a surgical glove on his hand and picks up a slightly deformed bullet from some curious place - it's clear that he shouldn't have been able to see it. We do an INTRO-FRAMING for him.]

Mark Dacascos as "Azuriel"

[He holds up the bullet, and it's now covered by an overlay of blue rectangles, with heaps of small text at the right side scrolling by. It looks like it's the output of a Bond gadget. The rest of the picture FADES to black as the bullet is kept in this analysis pattern.]

[FADE IN. Fingers appear around the bullet. PAN to see that it's in an evidence ziploc. A slightly older man with a police badge is holding it. INTRO-FRAMING for him.]

Ray Liotta as "Lieutenant Ray Helsing"

[PAN to a nearby telephone. We ride inside the phone cable at incredible speed, then shoot out perhaps a meter into the air. FREEZE. As time resumes, we quickly ROTATE by 180 degress. We see a young woman, smartly dressed, and she's apparently listening to something being spoken in her headset. She nods once. INTRO-FRAMING.]

Stephanie March as "Chrome"

[ZOOM onto the headset. We ZOOM out again from another headset. It's worn by another, older woman dressed in black, and she listens for a second before she grabs a sniper rifle and loads it. We see that she's on some rooftop. INTRO-FRAMING.]

Molly Culver as "Sharon"

[PAN to the ejection port. As she pulls the bolt back, we see a cartridge being loaded. CUT to the muzzle. ZOOM out and we find ourselves staring down the barrel of a Beretta 92F. We see that it's Helsing who's aiming the gun. CUT. We see Helsing lead a suspect out of some house. Yet another woman is waiting for the two, leaning against a police car. INTRO-FRAMING.]

Mira Sorvino as "Karen Ayers"

[PAN upwards to the rooftop. SHARON is packing her rifle and walks away, but a man in similar clothing still stares on. CUT to a viewpoint just over his shoulder as he watches the car drive away. ROTATE so that his face can be seen. INTRO-FRAMING.]

And Kurt Russell as "Mark Aaron Simmons"

[FADE to black. Credits roll.]

----------------

Also note that I picked "virtual" actors as stand-ins. Usually, I wouldn't do that, but since it's written like a TV series, I felt I could get away with it. (Plus, it helps visualise, especially since I can link to the right pictures.)

This is also how I usually treat in-scene music - mention it at the beginning, in a note. I used to do elaborate synching of action to lyrics (Oh, who am I kidding - still do, sometimes), but this is less obstructive, not as in-your-face as my usual approach, and a whole lot easier. Because as I can attest, synching music to the action in your head and then writing it down so people can understand what you mean is just a giant pain in the rear.

This concludes today's issue of "Blatant plugging".

Gatac[/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Alright, I said I would post something, so I'm posting now. It's just a short scenelet, as I'm wont to write these days, and its not neccessarily sci-fi. But it's all that I have. For now.

[bost_uid0]Parents[/bost_uid0]
It was late afternoon, the old yellow shafts of light slanting on the plastic gray sidewalk. On the steps leading up to the dark recesses in some forgotten alleyway the boy sat, eating out of a large styrofoam cup with a spoon.
The girl who came by and settled beside him was several years younger, perhaps ten. She tugged her skirts over her knees as she sat. "Hey, Jem."
"Hey, Elle."
"Whassat?"
"Some new synthpro gruel that Jake cooked up. Want some? This good stuff."
"Oh, I can't. It'll ruin my dinner."
"Your loss." He wolfed down another spoonful. "What's in? You look kind of down."
"Oh, nothing.... just... It's my mom. She won't let me go to Sam's party. 'S nothing."
"No, kid you? Why not?"
"She..." The girl shrugged. "She says there's too many--"
"Just say it. I'm not like the others, I don't mind. Too many rowdies, eh?"
"Yes. She says it's not good for me. My psychological development."
"So you're not going?"
"I guess not."
"You out there, Elle? It's Sam's sixteenth, you--"
"I know, I know. But I [iost_uid0]can't[/iost_uid0], Jem."
"Why, because you're mom says you can't?"
"Yes, and I have to listen to her."
The boy smacked the spoon into his gruel in exasperation. "So [iost_uid0]what[/iost_uid0], Elle. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to listen to her, you know."
"But--"
"Look, I'm always saying, any halfshit cunt can become a mom, right? It doesn't 'matically mak'em [iost_uid0]good[/iost_uid0] moms, you know. And your mom isn't one of the good ones, trust me. Control freak. Hypocrite. Always taking her issues out on you. Fsha, mine was like that too, that's why I'm out here."
"But I [iost_uid0]have[/iost_uid0] to listen to her."
"Bullshit. You don't [iost_uid0]have[/iost_uid0] to, Elle. They can't make you listen to them if you don't [iost_uid0]want[/iost_uid0] to. Don't let them beat you around, man."
The girl was silent, and he continued. "You really got to stop thinking of your parents as the all-on-high, you know. They're just like you--human, is all. They only see things in their own narrow-minded way, and they all want you to be like them, just like them. But that's just old-school imperializm, you catch my savvy?"
The girl sighed and her brow creased. "But--"
"I know what you're thinking, that because they're older they should know better, right? Myth. Times change, Elle. That kind of thinking is so last century, so nineteen hundreds. They belong to the old, they see things like the old. You give them the chance, they'll make you just like them as well--old, tired, angry. That would suck, yes? You've got to stop letting them take advantage of you, stop letting--"
"Jem, stop," she said, voice quavering. "I [iost_uid0]know[/iost_uid0]. You've been through this a hundred times before. But all I got to say-- they're my parents, you know? They've always looked after me, fed me, made sure I was okay. And I can't ignore that."
The boy was silent for a moment, then: "But you didn't choose. Damn it, Elle, you didn't choose to be born, you didn't choose to be born to [iost_uid0]them[/iost_uid0]. You had no choice, you know? Don't buy their excuses about all the sacrifices they had to make to bring you up, man. It's always about [iost_uid0]them, them, them[/iost_uid0]. Did they ever stop to think about how much [iost_uid0]you[/iost_uid0] have to sacrifice just to conform to what [iost_uid0]they[/iost_uid0] want? Nooo, ma'am. Just because you gotta go through your developmental stage they think they can slap you around, you know."
"My mom doesn't like it when I talk about things like that."
"No, none of them do. Adults. They're scared, see. Â They're scared of people like us, like me. That's why they keep us out of sight, that's why they deny us proper education. Because they're scared, you know. They [iost_uid0]know[/iost_uid0] we're smart. And if they don't try to stop us they know we're going to expose them, once and for all."
The girl rose. "My mom doesn't want me to talk to you anymore."
"But you don't want to, do you?"
She shook her head. "You got good ideas, Jem. I like talking to you."
"Then don't stop doing it. What's the worst she can do to you? Put in more restrictions. More restrictions means more to break, and then what? She'll throw you out? Perfect, then you can come live with the rest of us rowdies. Newbies always welcome, you know."
"I have to go. It'll be dinner soon."
"Yeah. You sure you don't want any of this stuff? Jake's a brilly with the protein synther--this nearly tastes like real, beef stew. Not that anyone really knows what [iost_uid0]real[/iost_uid0] beef tastes like anymore, but yeah."
"No, I can't. You've forgotten I was geneered for minpro diets?"
"Yeah, that. Must have slipped my mind. Yeah, [iost_uid0]this[/iost_uid0] would ruin your dinner. Sorry. Tatyl?"
"Tatyl." She turned and walked away.
Halfway down the sidewalk, she turned back. "Have you ever been loved?"
"Love? What's that? Just a word. Don't let them use it as a weapon. We're better off out here without it. Trust me."
"I see." She walked away. And in silence, the boy continued eating his synthetic meal as the sun continued its way downwards.

//

What do you think?[/colorost_uid0]

[Gatac]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I'm not too big on "dialogue shorts" (i.e. any short story that primarily centers around two different characters in some sort of philosophical discussion), but other than that, I like it.

To paraphrase the announcer from Propellerheads' "History Repeating" video:

What can I say? It's different.

Gatac[/colorost_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]I would like to offer comment and criticism on your stories, but I am too lazy to read them. Could you perhaps write short summaries, perhaps something like five minute versions of them? [/colorost_uid0]

[PointyHairedJedi]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Methinks a thwapping is in order.[/colorost_uid0]

[Gatac]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Well, I did two parodies of an RPG on HoaS...here goes:

This was for Chapter Three, which was the first one we actually did play on that board.

[quoteost_uid0]
Five Minutes - The talented Mr. Fredo
-----------------------------------------------

Narrator: Once upon a time, in the Alps, there was a lonely German who lived happily in his mountain hut with a damn lot of firearms.
Dieter: I'm the resident gun nut. Oh, there comes a Helicopter - and it's off schedule. Damn, I'll never rely on UPS delivery for FLAK again...
Fiona: Hey, I'm early and spooked you. Sorry. Anyway, you're hired.
Dieter: Sure thing, honey. Wanna pull my trigger ?

Solarman: I'm not in this parody.

Calvin: I'm the resident swordsman. Hey, who are you ?
Messenger: Secondary concern. You're hired.

Mark: Hey, I'm the resident swordsman and gun-nut. Oh, both are taken already. Damn, I'll go brawl some teenagers to regain my dignity.
Narrator: And that he did ! The next morning, he showered...
Phone: Ring !
Mark: Who's there ?
Azuriel: It's me.
Mark: Let me guess, I'm hired ?
Azuriel: You don't work freelance, remember ?
Mark: I'll kill the guy who set this joke up.

Narrator: The next day, in Rome. Yes, in Rome. Don't you ever forget we're now all here.
Calvin: Lalelalela, empty, narrow alleys are fun. Unless you're ambushed.
Goon: Ambush !
Calvin & Goon: Fight !
Mark: That's it, freeze ! Or taste the wrath of my Colt !
Calvin: Didn't you draw an USP ?
Mark: Hey, I'm an action hero. There's no accounting for continuity.

Dieter: I'll make an ass out of myself by looking at Fiona's cleavage. By the way, why are we sitting in this restaurant opposite two mooks ?
Fiona: We're setting up a meeting here. The writers are tired of multiple plot threads.
Dieter: They haven't read Chapter 5, have they ?

Car: I mean trouble ! Trouble, I say !

Everyone: Fight !
Mark: Fiat Lux !
Calvin: I'll stab the car.
Dieter: Uh oh, I haven't filled up my style quota yet. Let me flick a lighter into the petrol.

Car: Boom !

Mark, Calvin, Dieter and Fiona: We need to get away.
Dieter: Yuck, a Ford Explorer.
Fiona: If *you* had showed leg, we'd have to crawl now.

Mark: Ah, a safe house. It's time for me to make an ass out of myself and look absolutely dorky.
Calvin: It's gotta be one of those gunslinger things.

Wolfe: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't turn my safe house into a battlefield.
Mark: Then get me a medium machinegun.
Wolfe: No, you'd just break it. Besides, I don't have one. I'm not made up of weapons.
Dieter: I am...
Mark: ...and you managed to get me ammo for my ultra-rare shotgun.
Wolfe: Quiet, both of you.

Mark: I sense trouble coming from that marketplace. Mark my words.
Dieter: You're probably right.
Frank: Bastards !
Sniper: Eat this !
Fiona: What do we do now ?
Dieter: I've got to fill my vendetta quota. See you after I'm done with Frank.
Mark: I've got to fill my "struggle with the supernatural" quota. See you after I'm done with the sniper.

Everyone: Fight !
Mark: I'm hurt.
Dieter: So am I.
Frank: Me too.
Fiona: Uh oh, I hear cops coming. Let's hit the road. Mark, stop hammering the asphalt.
Mark: If you insist.

Dieter: Ths is where we say good-bye, Frank.
Frank: Ah ! You'll pay for that !
Mark: Does that threat concern you ?
Dieter: Ha ! What's the worst he can turn into ? Our next supervillain ?
Narrator: Hm...

Everyone: St. Peter's is where we goin', 'cause St. Peter's is where it's at. The big fight ! Tonight, tonight, at St. Peter's !

Everyone: Fight !
Mark: Ouch. I'm hurt. Time to remind everyone I can do magic, and heal myself.
(Repeat 3 times.)

Frank: This joint blows. I'm out.

Fredo: What are you gonna do with me ? You all want something from me, don't you ?
Mark: Yes. We already discussed this. Most of your upper torso including arms and head has been ceded to Dieter...
Fredo: Hey !
Mark: The good news is, I get to keep your tongue.

Mark: Goodbye, suckers. May I never see you again.
Dieter: I return this sentiment.
Calvin: Will we meet each other again ?
Narrator: Nah, you three are too annoying together to be in any one adventure. Even two of you together are barely tolerable.
Mark: I'll be gone now instead of further muddying the waters about the issue of reconcilation of this adventure with established canon from my origin story.
Everyone else: Huh ?
Mark: You people don't deserve me. I'll send you my personal angel next.
Dieter: Does he wear hawaii shirts ?
Mark: Don't ask.
Dieter: Don't tell.

Narrator: This concludes our little tale. Come back next time for the glorious return of multiple plot threads.
[/quoteost_uid0]

And this is for Chapter 4:

[quoteost_uid0]
Five Minutes - Justice is Served
---------------------------------------

Fredo: I'm so sorry for being a general asshole in the last Chapter. Really. I'm so there.
Fredo's Dad: Oh, you HAD to go and dishonour us. How can I die a dignified death ?
Fredo: Not at all. Look behind you.
Mysterious Gunslinger: Hi. You're all dead. Now fall down.
Fredo: *sings* Could you take a picture, 'cause I won't remember...

Azuriel: Remember me from the last parody ? This time, I got a starring role. Not that it matters, seeing that I'll get my ass kicked. Oh, by the way, I'm onto the case of the murders. Gotta go for some PR.
TV: *sings* All the women, who're independant, throw your hands up...
Azuriel: I'll get Charlie for that.

Dieter: This looks like a battlefield. Not enough blood and bullets, though.
Janice: We can change that.
Dieter: Yes. Bang.
Janice: *sings* That all you got ? I take your best shot...
Dieter: Here.
Janice: Damn, foiled again.

Azuriel: Hey, do you have the corpses from that slaughter ?
Jack: Yes. I see dead people.
Azuriel: And not only a few !
Jack: I was shooting for a Willis joke here.
Kinthak: Let me burn down this morgue.
Jack: Let me show off my telekinetic powers.
Azuriel: Let me get the plot rolling before the author decides to have us eaten by a grue.
Jack: *sings* Where do we go from here...

Narrator: And so, our heroes flog into the Rising Sun. Would this be a good time to make due with the "Enemy" disadvantage ?
Wataru: Yes, let's get THAT out of the way.
Ninjas: Attack !
Wataru, Azuriel, Dieter, Dante and Kinthak: Fight !
Jack: That's a damn long speaker's credit. I'd better hide in the toilet.
Kinthak: *sings* Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting, those kids were fast as lightning...
Bartender: Hey ! What the hell is going on here ?
Everyone: We'd better run off now.

Gunslinger: Now to eliminate Calvin.
Calvin: I'm comatose, but, no.
Gunslinger: Damn.
Everyone else: Hey, we just arrived. Was there anything important ?
Monica: Hey, I'm a nurse, and a touch telepath.
Dieter: *sings* How many freaks must a man ally with, before he can kick someone's ass ? The answer, my friend, is thousand thirty-six, the answer is thousand thirty-six...

Wataru: Slash !
Cop: Argh !
(Repeat.)
Wataru: *sings* Here comes the pain...

Helsing: Just who are you guys ?
Dieter: Let's just put it this way: We're the lollipop squad, and you're the bubblegum under our shoes. No offense intended.
Helsing: *sings* He's Killboy Powerhead, Killboy Powerhead...

Everyone: Hey, we're hanging out in Dieter's joint until someone moves the story along.
Azuriel: *sings* Pacific coast party...

Freak: Hey, I want to start the apocalypse.
Gamariel: I understand.
Freak: *sings* But in this heart of darkness, all hope lies on the floor...

TV: Hey guys, there's a jailbreak.
Monica: That's where we be goin', bitches !
Azuriel: I hate you when you do that.
Monica: What ? I was just channeling Mr. T.
Azuriel: He ain't dead, foo' ! T lives forever, you jibber-jabbing turkey !
Monica: *sings* The world loves wannabes, yeah - hey, hey, do that brand new thing !

Street: Oh, a fight ! Where's my camera?
Criminals: *sing* Pump it up for real with Cypress Hill...
Dieter: No, you don't !
Grenade: Boom !
Dieter: Surrender to the greatness of the Wu-Tang clan !

Azuriel: Look, I don't want to hurt you guys.
Criminal: BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Azuriel: *sings* Instead of taking a test, I took two to the chest...

Azuriel: How did we get inside ?
Wataru: No idea, guess it was required by the plot.
Criminals: BANG !
Everyone: FIGHT !
Monica: *sings* All she saw was the silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side...

Gunslinger: Hey, I'm really the Freak.
Freak: And, actually, I am Frank possessed by some spirit.
Wataru: Slash !
Frank: Heh. Go home, ninja boy.
Azuriel: BANG !
Frank: You're not much better, are you ?
Azuriel: No, but I can distract you until the real fighters arrive.
Frank: *sings* This is what you get, when you mess with the karma police...

Dieter: *sings* It's going down, nobody in the world to save ya...
Frank: *sings* I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter...
Azuriel: Stop it, both of you.
Dieter: Damn, I'll shoot Frank.
Frank: Damn, I'll die.

Narrator: Ding dong, the witch is dead ! Tune in next time for the return of multiple plot threads.
Azuriel: That's what you said last time.
Narrator: *sings* Erase and rewind, 'cause I've been changing my mind...
[/quoteost_uid0]

And, just in case you are curious, here's all the songs this one references (in order of appearance):

[quoteost_uid0]
Filter - Take a Picture
Destiny's Child - Independant Woman
P.O.D. - Boom
BtVS Cast - Where do we go from here? (From "Once more, with feeling")
Carl Douglas - Kung-Fu Fighting
Bob Dylan - Blowing in the wind (bastardised)
Farmerboys - Here comes the pain
Offspring - Killboy Powerhead
Smash Mouth - Pacific Coast party
Apokalyptica - Hope Vol. II
Offspring - Pretty fly (for a white guy)
Cypress Hill - Lowrider (may be inaccurately cited, but hey, who cares?)
P.O.D. - Youth of the Nation
Mike Oldfield - Moonlight Shadow
Radiohead - Karma Police
X-Ecutioners - It's going down
Linkin Park - In the end
Cardigans - Erase & Rewind
[/quoteost_uid0]

And I wasn't even [bost_uid0]trying[/bost_uid0] on these two, back when I wrote them in 2002...

Gatac[/colorost_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Oo, that`s a lot of songs...

Now I can`t get Moonlight Shadow out of my head...

[quoteost_uid0]Mark, Calvin, Dieter and Fiona: We need to get away.
Dieter: Yuck, a Ford Explorer.
Fiona: If *you* had showed leg, we'd have to crawl now.

[/quoteost_uid0]

Heeheehee, [/colorost_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A five minute version of my story? How about five seconds? Here:

[bost_uid0]Girl:[/bost_uid0] Bok!
[bost_uid0]Boy:[/bost_uid0] Parents suck!
[bost_uid0]Girl:[/bost_uid0] Erm... okay. ::walks away::

That's the gist of it, really.[/colorost_uid0]

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by taya17

A five minute version of my story? How about five seconds? Here:

Girl: Bok!
Boy: Parents suck!
Girl: Erm... okay. ::walks away::

That's the gist of it, really.