The Dicer is Coming!

[NAHTMMM]

Directed competition?
Directionally coplanar?
Dirty/Clean?
Dirigible compressed?
dir C: ?

[mudshark]

Originally Posted by PointyHairedJedi

Has it really been five years? Gosh. I can't remember what I'm up to now, but I think it's at least that, maybe even six.

It's been five for me, plus a week or four. You were here several months before that, at least.


Hmmm...

[Nate the Great]

Okay, I didn't mean to make the 2+2 that obvious, but yes, the seventh is the fifth anniversary of my Inner Light fiver! At least I can still be smug that no one has the slightest clue what a dicer is yet.

Well, I suppose it's time to reveal some more letters:

dire______ com________ fiver

Hopefully this is the obvious clue.

[Katy Jane]

wow... its been about five years since i started posting here too... i think it was sometime in august.

[NAHTMMM]

Definitely "directed compression" fiver or a minor variation on same, then. Much like that green ice cream cannon in your new avatar.

(The cannon is green, not the ice cream, obviously)

[Nate the Great]

Wrong, guess again. Oh, and that's not an ice cream cannon. It's a cotton candy powerup next to a...well...I'm not sure what that green thing is.

This new avatar is part of a secret room in Episode Two of the game Bio Menace. The protagonist, Snake Logan, can find a room staffed by id Software and Apogee Games. On shelves above them are powerups and enemy sprites from Commander Keen, Duke Nukem (there's also this awesome Duke poster), and so on. Of course this is an Easter Egg akin to finding GameFreak programmers inside Pokemon. I'd love to have used the whole thing, but if I shrank it down to 100 by 100 it'd be a meaningless blur.

Essentially this is just a tribute to the many, MANY great id/Apogee games that've enriched my life.

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Wrong, guess again. Oh, and that's not an ice cream cannon. It's a cotton candy powerup next to a...well...I'm not sure what that green thing is.

My version's funnier. (Although not by much.)

This new avatar is part of a secret room in Episode Two of the game Bio Menace. The protagonist, Snake Logan, can find a room staffed by id Software and Apogee Games. On shelves above them are powerups and enemy sprites from Commander Keen, Duke Nukem (there's also this awesome Duke poster), and so on. Of course this is an Easter Egg akin to finding GameFreak programmers inside Pokemon.

I'm starting to wonder how common this sort of Easter Egg is, since I've seen it elsewhere too . . .

[Nate the Great]

I wouldn't be surprised if programmers inserted themselves into their games more often.

[Nate the Great]

direc________ comm_______ fiver.

Please tell me it's obvious now.

[NAHTMMM]

Obvious in a Chinese menu sense, yes.

[Nate the Great]

(Gently extracts Babel Fish. Shrugs at the fish. The fish shrugs back)

[Chancellor Valium]

On the subject of Chinese Menus, would that be a Braised Drunken (Babel) Fish?

[Katy Jane]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

direc________ comm_______ fiver.

Direct community fiver? :-s

I've never been very good at Wheel of Fortune

[Nate the Great]

Well, since we are now three days away, I might as well speed up the letter revelations:

direct____ comme_____

[NAHTMMM]

Oh, okay, I get it now.

Neato.

[Katy Jane]

me too!

[Nate the Great]

So you're not actually guessing because...?

[Nate the Great]

Oh, well, I know that the anniversary isn't for another few hours, but I have to leave for work soon, so here it is.

Introduction

As you will soon see, a dicer is a fiver that is accompanied by director’s commentary. Of course, fivists aren’t exactly “directors” per se, but work with me here, okay? Five years ago my first Trek fiver, The Inner Light, was posted on what was then Five-Minute Voyager. I decided to write a dicer for it, and I was amazed to find that I’d actually kept a hard copy of the first draft of the fiver. This is the first time that it’ll see the light of day or be read by anyone besides myself and Marc Richard. About half of it is more or less the same as the final draft.

Part One: Commentary on the Original Draft

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: This version of the first scene was more or less kept intact. In our correspondence Marc mentioned that he liked the “folksy” (his term) personality I gave the probe.

Eline: Kamin, you’re awake!
Kamin: Wonderful. Do you mind if I endanger my weakened body by going outside?
Eline: We’re five minutes into the episode, what do you think?
Kamin: Right, stupid question.

Nate: Marc also suggested that I include Picard in Kamin’s first speaker tag, for the sake of the readers who might become confused. In retrospect I see he was right. This scene also includes one of my earlier uses of the self-mocking plot gag. I’ve taken this gag to Jupiter and back, but it still amuses me. As another sign that I was a newbie fivist (does newbist or nevist sound better?), I didn’t include anything to indicate where the heck “Kamin” is or what possible connection there could be between this scene and the previous one.

Batai: Look at our neato tree! Instead of drinking our scarce water, we’re going to give it to this useless tree instead!
Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I’ll fill you in offscreen.

Nate: The first instance of my fondness for really geeky slang, epitomized in future fivers by my characterization of Jadzia Dax. However, this also shows my tendency to poke fun at the frailties of trying to contain the complete plot into five minutes. In later fivers my editors (Derek in particular) showed me that I shouldn’t be this direct with my commentary on the foibles of abridging.

Riker: What’s going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard’s brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow it up.
Crusher: But what if it kills the captain?
Worf: Meh.

Nate: Marc was right to make me change “it” to “the probe.” It’s been a few scenes since we’ve been on the Enterprise, and through the abridging process I skipped a lot of stuff. Also note one of my first uses of the all-purpose “meh.” It was a relatively new word to me at the time, and I loved to use it anytime possible. Thank heaven I could use “Indeed” with Teal’c in my Stargate fivers, or else I’d have overused
meh with him as well.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I have to stargaze and play my flute.
Administrator: Go ahead, because you won’t be making any water condensers.
Kamin: On second thought, let’s make like rabbits!

Nate: I swear that the obvious Stargazer joke had not occurred to me until I started writing the dicer. Really! Yet another instance of my early frailty of referencing plot points that come from nowhere just for the sake of including as much of it as possible. The fact that Kataan is a desert world is absolutely superfluous when you have to chop out plot points to fit the fiver format.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won’t be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench…
Eline: I’m trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.
Eline: By the way, your son wants to be a musician.
Batai Jr.: That’s right.
Kamin: Fine.
Batai Jr.: Aren’t you annoyed at my wishy-washiness when it comes to a career?
Kamin: The world is going to end, so what you do makes no difference.
Meribor: So I shouldn’t marry Dannik?
Kamin: Yes, you should.
Meribor: But you just said…
Kamin: Hush!

Nate: You can tell I was a newbie fivist, because only a newbie would think that a THIRTEEN line scene would actually be allowed. Just look at the size of that thing! In the final draft bits and pieces of this end up as two different scenes. “I’m trying to create a moment here!” is still a favorite line.

Kamin: The world is doomed!
Administrator: I know that. We’re doing all we can.
Kamin: How? We can only launch small missiles!
Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I will fire you!

Nate: Although my final version of this scene is better, this version still holds a special place in my heart if only for the nitpicking gag. Although (speaking of nitpicking), why didn’t I say “I’ll fire you!”? Also, it’s a fiving tradition that all unnamed characters get humorously descriptive speaker tags (a favorite is Captain Smug from Star Trek III).

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last…
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: Probably the only scene in the first draft that Marc let me use absolutely untouched. For an early fiving attempt that’s pretty good. Obviously if I was writing this today, I’d have used Gak! Instead of Ack!

Meribor: Let’s go look at the new missile!
Kamin: Why?
Meribor: Umm…errr…
Eline: Because it will find you. Remember us.

Nate: Talk about amateurism, huh? This is what happens when I hold plot cohesiveness above humor.

Crusher: Wake up.
Picard: Whoa, I haven’t had a dream like this since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey.
Riker: I didn’t do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Nate: So I have a fascination with bloodwine. Pretty standard humor level used while tying up plot threads. Probably my only regret is the contribution of the “yeah, right” punchline into the list of my most overused gags.

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot toot…
Riker: I’ll just leave before I break up.

Nate: Another scene pronounced more or less final. Today I’d have said “tooty toot toot…” but for a second fiver it’s fine.

[Nate the Great]

I didn't know that there was a limit to how many letters you can include in a post until trying to included both dicers at once. Well, here we go again!

Part Two: Commentary on the Final Draft

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: My only regret in this scene is that comma between “yeah” and “right.” I was going for sarcasm, not casual wit.

Eline: Kamin, you're awake!
Picard/Kamin: Who are you? Computer, end program!
Eline: Who is Computer? I'm Eline, your wife.
Kamin: Yeah, right, in my dreams my wife is a knockout redhead. Where am I?
Eline: Your home, of course.
Kamin: This dump? I'm gonna leave before you start going all Castle Anthrax on me!

Nate: The “who is Computer?” gag seems a little weak in retrospect. At least, it’s not strong enough to justify being the second gag in a long (for a fiver) scene. At least the “knockout redhead wife” gag works on two levels. The first level is my original intent, his Nexus wife from Generations. It works for Beverly Crusher, too, if you happen to be a shipper, which I am. Everyone can see whatever meaning they want. This is also my first Monty Python gag use in a fiver. Castle Anthrax (if you just arrived from Vulcan and don’t know) is a place where a bunch of nubile young women occupy themselves by dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear, etc. Of course, in the episode the “seduction,” if you want to call it that, comes later, but I think that it works well here. Besides, I didn’t five that scene anyway.

Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I'm Batai, council leader, best friend, and all-around loafer.
Kamin: Pleased to meet you. I'm Picard, starship captain, archaeologist, and all-around galactic savior.
Batai: Shouldn't you be pushing the amnesia angle to get information?
Kamin: Um...err...I think it's time to run for the hills now!

Nate: I particularly enjoy the “galactic savior” part. Of course, with the possible exception of his ongoing war with the Borg, I’m not sure if you could call Picard a “galactic savior” in any event, anyway. Kirk’s certainly earned that title, though.

Riker: What's going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard's brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow up the probe.
Crusher: But what if it kills the captain?
Worf: Meh.

Nate: See, if I’d left it at “it” and not “the probe,” what would you think Worf wanted to blow up? If you stringently obey the rules of grammar, it would be implied that Worf wanted to blow up Picard’s brain, as that was the object most recently mentioned. If I’d needed another gag for this scene I could’ve made Worf’s final line “then I call dibs on his stereo!” or the like, but I suppose that would’ve been too far out, even for MY fivers.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I'd rather play my flute and build water condensers to help us survive the drought.
Eline: But you're a terrible musician and the Administrator won't give you a building permit!
Kamin: On second thought, let's make like rabbits!

Nate: You can thank Marc for the terrible musician/building permit joke. I certainly never would’ve thought of it at that point in my fiving career. Marc also really helped out by reducing the plot point to “building permit.” Who needs water condensers and droughts to deliver a funny line?

Data: I am now cutting the phone line.
Probe and Picard: Ack!
Crusher: He's dying!
Riker: Data!
Data: Connection reestablished, but I had to go from AOL to MSN.

Nate: These days we only use “Gak!” for a death, so I suppose I still would’ve used “Ack.” The AOL/MSN joke seems a little weak now, but trust me, five years ago it was hilarious!

Eline: Put you shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won't be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench...
Eline: I'm trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.

Nate: This is of course the first portion of the megascene from the original draft. Other than that the joke was pretty complete the first time.

Batai: I am going to change careers yet again! I'm going to be a musician!
Kamin: Fine, the world is ending anyway!
Meribor: So I shouldn't marry Dannik, I should just live with him?
Kamin: Not in a million years!
Meribor: But you just said...
Kamin: Hush, you!

Nate: See, the scene has more punch when you hold a focus with the plotline! My only regret is the overuse of exclamation points, but I’m not sure if periods would do the gags justice.

Kamin: The world is doomed! You can fire me with a hefty pension for insanity now.
Administrator: Not on your life. First of all, you're right, and second of all we like to keep our insane elected officials where we can see them.
Kamin: But isn't a system of government like that doomed to failure?
Administrator: You'd think so, but it's not. Now go away before I take your flute.

Nate: I remember being very proud of this “insane elected officials” business. At the time I thought it incredibly witty. However, these days the only thing that makes the scene stand out is the last line.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last...
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: See? Same scene! Should’ve used “rats,” though.

Meribor: Want to go see the new missile get launched?
Kamin: Why would I want to do that? My skin protector is only 500 SPF!
Eline: That doesn't matter. This is all an illusion anyway.
Kamin: Eline? How can you be here?
Eline: Turns out my contract entitled me to one more scene. Remember us.

Nate: Further proof that we’re our own worst critics. I now consider that 500 SPF joke pathetically weak. I’m proud of the Eline’s contract gag, though.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, wake up!
Picard: Whoa, I haven't had a dream like that since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey!
Riker: I didn't do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Nate: Today of course, I’d have had Riker say “you should be grateful I used the 2293!”

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot...
Riker: I think I'll just leave before I break up.

Nate: So here we are. Five years later the fiver is still here. The first lines are still missing from the Trek Nation version, though. Whatever. Well, I hope you enjoyed the dicers!

[Nate the Great]

Um, hello? I put a lot of work into these. Is no one going to at least bash me?