Eighth Novel Fiver: The Devil's Heart

[NAHTMMM]

This is a really good read. So if you haven’t read the book and there’s a chance you might, don’t read this fiver yet. In any other case, enjoy!

This being another large novel (you’d think I would know better by now), I have of course left lots of stuff out.


The Devil's Heart by Carmen Carter

It keeps going on. So does Celine Dion’s heart. Coincidence?


Kanda Jiak: I, the Bearer of the Gem, take this moment to bewail the destruction of our beloved planet Iconia in this nightmarish flashback. If only we had had some sort of non-interference directive to keep us from befriending the barbarians around us . . .
Ko N'ya: Whatever, just step through the portal so I can redirect you to where I want to go.
Kanda Jiak: As if I care where I end up. *zwip* ACK! How'd I travel to a desert?! Okay, I'm caring, I'm caring!
Ko N'ya: Woohoo, tanning time!
Kanda Jiak: Save me, strange little rock we built our civilization on!
Ko N'ya: Pbbbbbt!

T'Sara: In my capacity as the senior archaeologist on this expedition, I hereby declare this strange little rock to be not only the Ko N'ya but also "like, totally fascinating".
Other Vulcans: In our capacities as the orthodox archaeologists present, we hereby declare you to be out of your Vulcan mind.
T'Sara: Seriously, I get the wildest dreams whenever I sleep with this thing in my arms.
Other Vulcans: Suuuure. You're as loony as a time-worn Tuvok.
Orion Raiders: In our capacity as the guys with the guns, we declare you all to be dead and the Ko N'ya to be ours.
Other Vulcans: We are NOT dead and that rock is NOT the Ko N—GAK!

Commander Miyakawa: As the woman in charge of Starbase 193, I reflect on how hopelessly backwater this place is. I'd say we were the plankton of the Starfleet food chain, but we don't even photosynthesize diddly-squat.
Camenae: Cheer up, Estrella, you do have the most mysterious woman in all the galaxy as a local attraction!
Commander Miyakawa: Meaning you, right?
Camenae: It would be out-of-character for me to confirm or deny your guess for free.

Crusher: They're dead, Jean. Except for T'Sara, who's going to wake up just long enough for a few dramatic last words.
Picard: Bummer.

Grede: In my capacity as a morally weak communications officer, I hereby leak the news that the Ko N'ya has been found.
Camenae: Thanks. Now scram while I get you out of the way.
Grede: GAK!
Camenae: Not like that.

Camenae: Hello, Mister DiWahn.
Reyjadán: UnDiWahn. When Iconia died, our ancestors remarried. Some of us are still not on speaking terms with our step-planet.
Camenae: Um, right. Note to self: This guy has serious issues.

Riker: (over the comm) We found the Orions' ship and the remains of a Ferengi ship. The Orions are all dead and their ship is in a very dangerous state of—
Picard: Ooo! Dibs on the away mission!

Picard: As the resident dabbler in archaeology and a fan of T'Sara's work, I declare this strange little rock to be the “Ko N'ya”, “Devil's Heart”, “Mithrandir”, “Catamount”, and all its other names.
Worf: In my capacity as the resident Klingon, I call that rock the “Pagrashtak” and declare that it is now a VERY good day to die.

Orions: ZAP MAIM KILL
Ko N'ya: Give in to your anger. Strike them down, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
T'Sara: No. Gak!
Ko N'ya: Fine, whatever. Toodle-oo!
Picard: (waking up) Whoa.

Crusher: I don’t understand all the interest in that rock.
Picard: What, you expected it to look like the artist’s rendering on the cover?

Picard: (over the comm) All ship personnel are hereby restricted from the starbase. There's a woman in the bar there who'll read your minds and sell all your embarrassing secrets and passwords to others.
Guinan: She used to be a very close friend of mine. I wanna go see her.
Picard: Wait, you mean she's Delcara in disguise? This changes everything—
Guinan: No, no, this is a different very close former friend of mine.
Picard: Oh, fine then. She probably already knows all your embarrassing secrets anyway.

Data: This little rock is strange.
Picard: How so?
Data: Standard dating techniques yield erratic results. The rock may have been created at any point from one Redshirt half-life ago to long before Strom Thurmond was born.
Picard: Data, Data, Data. Your relationship skills are still terrible. Never ask a lady her age, especially not while you're dating her. I'd better take the Ko N'ya now so we don't risk offending it any more.

Kruger: The Pagrashtak has been found! We must seize it for the glory of our house! I know, I'll send my grandson to fetch it.

Diat Manja: T'Sara found the Gem! I must see to it that everyone recognizes her achievement! I know, I'll write to my Congressman. Or Warden, whatever.

Emperor Vitellius: Look on my works, ye pathetic blue aliens, and desp—GAK!
Telev: We're already despairing, thanks. How about the opposite?
Ko N'ya: Sure, I've got nothing better to do.

Picard: I wuv you, strange little rock. You tell the best bedtime stories!
Ko N'ya: *mysterious glow*
Picard: And you serve as a portable nightlight, too! How handy is that?

[NAHTMMM]

Kieradán: The Dream Gem has been located! I must run off with your ships, that it may be regained for the glory of the unDiWahn and DiWahn alike.
King Akhanatos: Traitor.
Kieradán: Liar.
King Akhanatos: Fool.
Kieradán: See you later.
King Akhanatos: What? We were just getting started!

Picard: Yay, bedtime again! Tell me a happy story, like the one where everyone died and Surak found you. Or the one where the king died, the queen stole you, and everyone else died as a result. That was great.
Ko N'ya: Dude, you're kinda weirding me out here. And I used to be carried around by a chick who thought I was some kind of artistic muse.

Counselor's Log: This is the best story ever! I did well at poker last night, and I keep being useful! If this is a dream, I never want to wake up. We're all really worried about the captain, though. Pet rocks are SO 20th century.

Security Chief's Log: Why am I so grumpy lately? Is it because Data keeps daring to gaze upon the Pagrashtak without its carrier's permission? Or because I've had only one line in this fiver so far?

Admiral Wilkerson: (over the comm) You may have found a piece of the Guardian of Forever. Keep it safe until we can glue it back on.
Picard: In your face, everyone! I told you this was no ordinary rock!
Riker: Maybe it should be stored with the Ark of the Covenant for safekeeping?
Picard: Haha, you and your silly little legends, Number One.

Captain's Log: Filthy little officerses, trying to steal my presshioussss . . .

Warden Chandat: The Gem has been recovered! We must hijack a starship and attempt to regain it, that the rift between native and Iconian Dynasians may be healed! Er, I mean, for the glory of our peoples!

Vedoc: As a secret follower of Surak's teachings, I reveal myself to be a deus ex sabotage.
Romulan Warbird: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLGAK!
Enterprise: . . . Meh, I’ll take it. Anyone have a tourniquet?

Ko N'ya: Enough about me. Let's talk about you. And by that, I mean tempt you with the power to change the past.
Picard: Okay, now I'm weirded out.

Captain Duregh: (over the comm) As the captain of the only functional ship present, I declare the Pagrashtak to be mine. Hand it over or—you know what, forget it, I'll just go ahead and kill you.
Picard: Eep! Save me, strange little rock!
Ko N'ya: REFLECT!
Disruptor Beam: BOUNCE!
Bird-Of-Prey: Ker-BLAM KRRRAACKK-BOOM FUZZLE-Wuzzle-fizzzzt
Picard: . . . Did I do that?

Halaylah: If you only understood the true power of the Dark Side . . .
Picard: Oooooh.

Kieradán: As the representative of the Iconians' descendants on DiWahn, I formally declare that the Gem is rightfully ours. Hand it over!
Chandat: What he said, aside from representing Dynasia.
(A pause to see if anyone from Ikkabar wants to jump in.)
Picard: As the current holder of the Ko N’ya, I insist that PSYCH!
Kieradán: . . . Not impressed.

Wormhole: In my capacity as a very capacious warpage of spacetime, I declare FEED ME!
Picard: *sniff* Bye-bye, strange little rock. Don't forget to write!
Ko N'ya: Dude, you know what the intergalactic postage rates are like around here?

Kanda: I missed out on all the fun, didn't I? Stupid Immigration.
Camenae: Bummer. Want to talk about it?
Kanda: Sure! *ahem* I'm the only survivor of the Iconian colony on Ikkabar, that rock was mine by rights and if Picard hadn't thrown it away I could have changed history and saved my people, oh and let me tell you how awful being stuck in Federation detention is . . .
Camenae: Is this what Guinan puts up with?

(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

[Nate the Great]

Too long, and the "As a X, I hereby do Y" gag was a bit overused, but okay. Bear in mind it's been at least ten years since I've read this book.

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

"As a X, I hereby do Y" gag was a bit overused

Yeah, probably. At least I tried to mix it up a little.

[Zeke]

This is my favourite Trek novel ever, and a great fiver too. In fact, I've been lax about reading your novel fivers -- looking at them now, they're really good. Way to go!

[NAHTMMM]

Thanks, Zeke!

[PointyHairedJedi]

I must confess to having never ready any Trek novels, but that was quite amusing even so.

[Wowbagger]

When I was little, I wasn't allowed to read this one. Having read it now just recently, I can't figure out why not.

Not my favorite, but one I'm very fond of nonetheless. And well-fived. Favorite lines:

Standard dating techniques yield erratic results. The rock may have been created at any point from one Redshirt half-life ago to long before Strom Thurmond was born.

I declare this strange little rock to be the “Ko N'ya”, “Devil's Heart”, “Mithrandir”, “Catamount”, and all its other names.

And also, when Diat said:

Diat Manja: T'Sara found the Gem! I must see to it that everyone recognizes her achievement!

I fully expected it to be followed by the line:

XBox LIVE: *Achievement Unlocked - Ko N'ya Owner*

I really enjoy these. Keep 'em up!

[NAHTMMM]

Thanks, you two!

Wowbagger -- that would have been pretty funny, all right.

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Too long

Actually, I've been running the numbers today, to get a sense of what length to consider acceptable in future novel fivers. And wouldja believe that, in terms of lines, this is the shortest one yet? (Outside of what I threw together for New Frontier, which doesn't count.) And it's the second-shortest in terms of words, after Incident at Arbuk, which is the one I completed just before this.

And this one's a giant novel, no less. So I may still be too long, but I am getting shorter. (It looks as though the trend will probably not continue with the next one I do, however. We'll see.)