Seventh Novel Fiver: Incident at Arbuk

[NAHTMMM]

Finally, a VOY novel! Of those I've read, my favorite VOY novels are The Murdered Sun and this. Neither is on the level of, say, Q-Squared by any stretch, but both are fun reads (if you happen to think reading VOY stories is fun). So what I'm getting at is, you may not want to read this until you've read the actual book.

Also, this was started (as with previously published fivers) a loooong time ago. Just in case it wasn't obvious.



Incident at Arbuk by John Betancourt

Janeway gives Harry a promotion just to shut Sozoas up. Chakotay appears on Fear Factor. The crew must survive an identity crisis to learn the answer to the age-old question, “Who would win in a debate between Evil Tuvok and a Sperian?”


Kim: Picking up a faint distress signal.
Tuvok: Good work, Ensign.
Kim: Ooo, do I get a cookie?
Tuvok: Er, perhaps later.
Alien: (on viewscreen) AIbaalnodnoenh aalvle heospcea ypee wdhtoo ctoemlel htehreee . . .
Janeway: He acts like he's in trouble.
Kim: Or maybe . . . do you think he wants a cookie, too?

Alien: (on viewscreen) NTyhaehr ney'saahw, Wooromdhboolye ltiokEeasr Ctohfofveeer Gtihrelr, WeofoodoblosyN loiwksecsr CaomfsfoeIec Gainrdli, Weoiondpbeoayc lei—Ggaakk!
Chakotay: Is it paranoia, or am I being made fun of yet again?
Tuvok: Computer analysis suggests a form of doubletalk.
Janeway: So it’s probably double-crossing us?
Tuvok: I meant a form of alternative doubletalk, Captain.
Janeway: But what is it saying?
Kim: Umm, maybe that some guy named Harry Kim is long overdue for a promotion?
Janeway: Well, that’s an interesting idea. Yes, I think that could work. “Harry Kim Bobblehead Doll Night”, it has a ring to it, don’t you think?

Janeway: What can you tell us about this alien, Neelix?
Neelix: It's a Sperian. Their Defining Alien Trait is their love of arguments.
Alien: (over the comm) Is not!
Janeway: Ah, we've established communications with the alien. Good.
Alien: (over the comm) You have not.
Janeway: Then how can we hear, let alone understand, each other?
Alien: (over the comm) . . . Mass hallucination?

Ensign Dvorak: The aliens' humongous bubbly space-city is in really bad shape. And all the aliens aboard are dead.
Janeway: Whoa. How could that have possibly happened?
Humongous Space-Tube: Umm . . . would you believe gremlins?
Janeway: Mmmmaybe. How many gremlins were involv—
(FWOOOOOOSH-WHAM!)
Humongous Bubbly Space-City: AARRRRRRGH!
Humongous Space-Tube: . . . would you believe hay fever?

Neelix: I wanna loot the debris.
Janeway: Okay.
Ensign Fairman: Hey! Where's my subplot about conquering the ship with blueberry pancakes?
Kes: Probably the same place I am. I'll let you know if I see it.

Captain's Log: We've beamed the alien to sickbay, but it's in a deep coma. The Doctor insists that it was unconscious before coming aboard, but I suspect it was the sight of him that sent the poor thing into la-la land. I'm going down there to find out right now.

Janeway: Wake the alien up.
EMH: I'm sorry, it would be a violation of my ethical programming to impersonate an alarm clock.
Janeway: Do it anyway.
EMH: Okay. (injects the alien with psychoactive drugs) . . . Sorry, didn't work. Want a consolation prize? All the crew have been dropping their Ensign Kim bobblehead dolls off here . . .

Ensign Wong: Good morning, Harry.
Kim: …Do I know you?

EMH: I’m bored. I think I’ll practice my “Minor Memory Lapses” subroutine.
Tuvok: Doctor, I must mind meld with the alien.
EMH: It could be dangerous and stuff.
Tuvok: Let me do it anyway.
EMH: Okay.
Tuvok: First I need you to sign this Medical Mind Meld Release Form to verify by your perfect computer memory that the meld will not be performed under ridiculously dangerous circumstances, such as dementia, psychoactive drugs, listening to Mariah Carey songs—
EMH: Yes, yes, I know the deal. Give me the form and I'll sign it.

Tuvok/Sozoas: Whoa, trippy, dude.
EMH: Bad Tuvok! Bad! One "Tuvix" storyline is more than enough! (injects Tuvok with mushrooms)

Janeway: Face it, Tuvok, you’re mentally disturbed.
Tuvok: I know you are, but what am I?

EMH: The effects of the mind meld should probably wear off over time. For the moment, you've got a bearable Sperian and a cranky Vulcan. I suggest you take advantage.
Janeway: You mean by getting as much cooperation out of Sozoas as possible?
EMH: I was thinking more of blackmail recordings of Tuvok, but suit yourself.

[NAHTMMM]

Dawson: Ensign Dawson reporting for duty.
Torres: …Do I know you?

Tuvok: The tube is meant to accelerate ships to super-ludicrous warp.
Janeway: Could it be used to tease us with the chance of getting back home?
Tuvok: Not really.

Torres: Sabotage.
Humongous Space-Tube: See? See? I can't be held responsible for what I've done. I fell in with the wrong crowd! I'm the result of bad influences!
Torres: Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.
Humongous Space-Tube: Would you happen to have a kilometer-square handkerchief I could borrow? My allergies are acting up again . . . *sniff*

Sperian Ships: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Voyager: Why does everyone always pick on my warp engines?
Chakotay: I hate to do this, but we have no choice. Perform the Chakotay Odysseus Maneuver!
Ensign Dvorak: This doesn't involve ticking off a dangerous god of the seas, does it?
Chakotay: No, the other Odysseus Maneuver.
Paris: Oh, right. I've got the rope right here . . .

Janeway: Why is my ship so hot? Is Q trying to use it as an ironing board again?
Kim: Chakotay re-enacted that bit from the opening credits to slingshot us around the star and away from the Sperians.
Janeway: Hence his current state. I see. And he's tied down in the Captain's chair because . . . ?
Paris: Some of the Maquis were kinda obsessed with ancient mythology.
Chakotay: (dazedly) Fire hot . . . but pretty . . . must resist urge to touch . . . would go up like a match . . .

Janeway: I'm gonna re-enact the thing with the star. Only instead of the star, I'll use the tube.
Humongous Space-Tube: Ahhh-CHOOOOO!
Sperian Ships: YEE-OWCH! Oh agony agony agony agony!
Humongous Space-Tube: *sniffle*

Sozoas: These ships belong to the Tech Faction, which I am also part of. They won't attack us now.
Janeway: Thank you for telling them we're your friends.
Sozoas: Actually, I told them you were enemies and that they should blow you to bits. You don't understand Sperian psychology very well, do you, Captain?

Carey: Good news, Captain! We’ve finished repairing almost all the damage from—
Janeway: …Sorry, do I know you?

Sozoas: I have deduced that the Military Faction sabotaged the tube!
Everyone Else: *yawn*
Janeway: Given that the choices were "military" and "maga-berry growers", I think this was an obvious development.

Member of the Tennis Sub-Sub-Faction of the Farm Sub-Faction of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) You are uglier and stupider than my old great-aunt, I can smell the disgusting stench of your unwashed feet from here, and I see no point in bothering to argue with you, you mindless, dishonorable, ugly loser!
Janeway: (winces just a bit)
Sozoas: (aside to Janeway) Pathetic, isn’t it? The Military Faction is easily the most unoriginal, repetitive political party in existence. Nobody could be more unimaginative in debate.
Tuvok: (to Faction member) Yo’ mama!
Sozoas: I stand corrected.

Member of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) …And that is why we rock and you should surrender.
Tuvok: If you rock so much, how is it we've managed to charge the tube up and point it at you without your noticing?
Member of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) Well—
Tuvok: Now sit still and shut up.
Member of the Military Faction: (on viewscreen) No fair! I had a great "your face" joke just begging to be used!

Sozoas: Destroy the warp-accelerator tube.
Humongous Space-Tube: Nooo! Don't do it! I'm a really nice guy once you get to know—GAK!

Janeway: Neelix, how did you manage to get all the supplies we needed?
Neelix: Not by breaking the Prime Directive, that's for sure!
Janeway: Okay then.

(Voyager sails away at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END




Unofficial Fivist's unofficial note: One of the advantages of being unofficial is probably the chance to include the occasional superfluous bit just because you think it's "hilarious". So here follows a bonus scene from about the middle:



Paris: This is odd . . . something doesn’t seem right here. (enters Astrometrics lab)
(THUNK)
Paris: Seven, what are you doing here? You aren't even on the show yet, much less in this story. And why are there a dunce cap and a T-shirt that reads “I am irrelevant” on your Harry Kim bobblehead doll?
Seven: Because it is true. (to doll) Are you a dunce? (taps doll on the head) And you’re irrelevant too, now aren’t you? (taps it again) See? He agrees with me. (sets doll back down on the floor, where it was when Paris entered)
Paris: Uh, sure. So what was it doing on the floor, right in my way?
Seven: I have calculated the precise position at which it will receive the most kicks from people entering the room. And you kicked it, did you not?
Paris: Sheesh, if I were Harry, I’d be kicking myself right about now for that comment he made on the bridge.
Kim: This is odd . . . something doesn't seem—Seven? What are you doing—
(THUNK)