30th Anniversary TNG Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

November 16th, 1992, "The Quality of Life"

I just realized that the title is a pun. Did that really take thirty years?

In retrospect I'm irked that they never got the Universal Translator on the case. It can talk to a CLOUD, but not a robot?

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

CRUSHER: Seven card stud, one-eyed jacks are wild.

The one-eyed jacks are Hearts and Spades.

RIKER: Frankly, Geordi, I like the beard.
LAFORGE: Thank you, Commander.

I don't think that Geordi ever looked good in a beard. He has too much of a babyface for them to look good.

CRUSHER: You know, I have always been a little suspicious of men with beards.
WORF: Why is that?
CRUSHER: I don't know. It's as if they're trying to hide something.

Like what? I don't understand this at all. At the very least, it depends on the beard. While you could argue that someone with a full Santa beard could be hiding something, a well-trimmed goatee is another story.

LAFORGE: Some of the most distinguished men in history have worn beards, Doctor.

Some of the most distinquished men in history HAD to wear beards because shaving tech wasn't very advanced. It was hardly a fashion statement.

CRUSHER: I know. But after the razor was invented I think beards became mostly a fashion statement.

And? So? I loathe when people make observations as though they were actual arguments.

WORF: I'm not concerned with fashion. To a Klingon, a beard is a symbol of courage.
RIKER: I think it's a sign of strength.
CRUSHER: Sure, and of course, women can't grow beards.

So all men wear beards to show dominance over women because they can't? Talk about a generalization so broad that it ceases to be a valid argument!

LAFORGE: Doctor, it sounds to me like you feel beards are nothing more than an affectation.
CRUSHER: I do. But there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, women wear makeup and nail polish. I just think it's time you men admitted it.

And if they did, what then? What are you trying to accomplish? This whole thing smacks of something that's become all too common in the modern age: improving your own self-esteem by tearing down someone else's. Which isn't a healthy thing, not to mention being completely antithetical to the Roddenberry ideal. So people in the future can have sexual relationships of every shape and composition, but don't you dare show individuality via haircuts or makeup! Hypocritical much, Doctor?

LAFORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What if you lose? What are you going to give up?
CRUSHER: I'm open for suggestions.
RIKER: Well, I've always wanted to see you as a brunette.
CRUSHER: Oh, I did that once when I was thirteen. I couldn't change back fast enough.

Why brunette? If you wanted a natural hair color for McFadden that would look bad, I would go for full bleached blonde before brunette.

Captain's log, stardate 46307.2. We have just come into orbit of Tyrus Seven A to monitor progress on the Tyran particle fountain, a radically new mining technology.

As I understand it, the idea is to use a special kind of tractor beam to bring up rocks from the surface. I must admit to being dubious about tractor beams staying so uniform acting through a planet's atmosphere. And you would need this beam to stay within very tight parameters to keep lifting rocks for that long.

LAFORGE: Doctor Farallon. The original design called for the particle fountain to lift five hundred kilograms per minute from the surface. So far we haven't come close to that.
FARALLON: (an alien lady) Well, that's why I want to increase the stream density. That should boost the lift capacity by seventy two percent.
LAFORGE: Yeah, but you realise of course you're going to be overloading the field generators in the process.
FARALLON: Not if we distribute the overload evenly throughout the system.

There are times when I despise the gimmick of "just add more power and it'll be fine!" The system was designed for X, you can't make it 1.5X without breaking things.

For that matter, what does it matter how fast the particle stream is going, as long as it works? Aren't we still at the point where we want to perfect the technology without worrying about quotas?

LAFORGE: Stand by. I'm sorry, Doctor, I think we're going to have to shut it down.
FARALLON: It took four months to get the particle flux up to this level. If we shut down, it'll take another four months just to get it back.

So? People's safety is more important than ore! Furthermore, you are here to perfect the tech, not worry about quotas!

FARALLON: Then we'll just have to fix the power grid.
LAFORGE: Yeah, bow do we do that? The defective grid is two hundred metres down conduit A two. We have to disassemble four bulkheads just to get to it.

Well, that's an obvious design flaw. On the Enterprise EVERYTHING is easily accessible!

LAFORGE: Boridium power converter.

Boridium has several uses around Trek. You can make knives out of it, the Romulans use it as a power source, etc. Supposedly it is Element 121, something we've yet to discover. Memory Beta speculates that subspace science could create such superheavy elements.

DATA: You have incorporated a micro-replication system into the device in order to fashion tools.

I actually don't have a problem with this. No doubt tools would require a simpler base material and simpler replicator patterns.

FARALLON: I think I can complete the project and boost the efficiency of the particle stream if I use exocomps, the new devices I've constructed.

So why didn't you do this before the Enterprise arrived? Were you waiting for official permission and the emergency rushed your timetable?

FARALLON: Sometimes an exocomp starts forming large numbers of new pathways totally at random. Eventually, it reaches a point where it shuts down. Just like this one.
DATA: Doctor, the new pathways do not appear to be interfering with the original circuitry.
FARALLON: Once the exocomp is this badly corrupted, it's useless. You have to erase the unit and start all over again, and there's no time for that now.

I have trouble with this concept. Surely by the 24th century every device will make a detailed log of why it does ANYTHING. Go back in the records and look! Furthermore, it seems that Farallon is the only one tinkering with these things, surely she's been writing a manual on how these things work as she goes!

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER: Well, the broadest scientific definition might be that life is what enables plants and animals to consume food, derive energy from it, grow, adapt themselves to their surroundings and reproduce.

I'm still a little curious about this whole thing where bacteria are clearly alive but we're still iffy on viruses.

A big problem is the inclusion of "plants and animals". Data is alive. The Crystalline Entity is alive. Q is alive, and I'm not sure you can put him in the category of "animal."

Dave Barry once said that life is anything that dies when you step on it.

One broader definition that I like is that life is something that decreases local entropy. Base nutrients are rebuilt into something much more complex. The randomness of a pile of food is much greater than the cells and simpler molecules that a lifeform turns it into.

DATA: What about fire?
CRUSHER: Fire?
DATA: Yes. It consumes fuel to produce energy, it grows, it creates offspring. By your definition, is it alive?
CRUSHER: Fire is a chemical reaction. You could use the same argument for growing crystals, but obviously we don't consider them alive.

Fire does not create offspring because offspring are by default simpler versions of the parents with the built-in potential to become as complex as their parents. A life-form is not ONE chemical reaction, it's millions of them that are kept in order by genetic code.

Likewise there is no "code" to crystal formation, just a series of molecules that can link with each other uniformly relatively easily because of their molecular geometry.

DATA: And what about me? I do not grow. I do not reproduce. I am considered to be alive.

Plenty of lifeforms are sterile and yet are still alive. And Data is missing the point about growing. He's growing in mental capacity all the time, it's just his body that's static.

CRUSHER: Data, if I may ask. Have a seat. What exactly are you getting at?
DATA: I am curious as to what transpired between the moment when I was nothing more than an assemblage of parts in Doctor Soong's laboratory, and the next moment, when I became alive. What was it that endowed me with life?

A jolly good question. One could argue that it's his capacity to grow that makes him alive.

FARALLON: I created the exocomps to be tools. And there is a big difference between Data and a tool.
DATA: Doctor, there is a big difference between you and a virus, but both are alive.

Exactly.

CRUSHER: If they are intelligent life forms, we have no right to force them to work for us.
FARALLON: That's like me telling you not to use your tricorder.
CRUSHER: Tricorders aren't alive.
FARALLON: Neither are exocomps.

Ugh. Assuming failure of a hypothesis before it is tested predisposes you to conclude failure. You demand extraordinary proof. On the other hand, if you assume a hypothesis is true and try to prove falseness you will find conclusive evidence much easier.

DATA: I see no other possible explanation.
CRUSHER: The exocomp didn't fail the test, it saw right through it.

Good job, exocomp!

WORF: Can we send a shuttlecraft to evacuate them?
FARALLON: We'd never get there in time.

I find this dubious. It would make sense to have one shuttlecraft equipped to latch onto a hull, create a pressurized seal, and cut through the hull for evacuation. Who cares about the hole in the hull when the entire station is about to be destroyed?

DATA: Then let me offer an alternative. Transport me to the station, I will attempt a complete manual shut down of the particle stream.
RIKER: The radiation levels are too high, even for you. Your positronic net would ionise in no time. I can't let you sacrifice yourself.

Come to think of it, why haven't they created a customizable exosuit for Data by now? He could easily reprogram his motor controls to interface with an exosuit's arms and increase his mobillity in extreme environments.

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We have arrived at Tyrus VIIA to evaluate an experimental particle fountain being developed to extract minerals from a planetary surface and lift them into orbit. Since the minerals are then to be sold to buyers on the surface and shipped back down on freighters, Starfleet has expressed some skepticism about the economic rationale for this project.

He he.

Farallon: No! We can repair it using this exocomp. It's a radical new kind of miniature maintenance robot that I've been working on.
La Forge: Doctor, you've already got your hands full with the particle fountain. You shouldn't be developing another type of experimental technology at the same time -- no matter how adorable this robot looks.
Farallon: I'm just covering all my bases. If the exocomps don't prove suitable for engineering applications, I figure I can always market them as really nifty children's toys.

The fiver was written in 2004. What toy crazes were around back then that we could've made a joke out of?

Data: Doctor, what is the meaning of life?
Crusher: Well, some people claim that we're just simply spiraling coils of replicating DNA, while others....

This is a reference to Monty Python's Meaning of Life. You haven't lived until you've heard Eric Idle sing this line in a terrible French accent...

Data: Allow me to rephrase my question. Suppose you were to call a replicator an overgrown toaster and that, as a result, it never forgave you....

Obvious Voyager joke is obvious...

La Forge: If the exocomp leaves the tube in the next sixty seconds, we'll know for sure that Number Five is alive.

This is a Short Circuit Reference. I only know the movie from the Nostalgia Critic review.

Transporter Chief Kelso: Sir, I hate to interrupt your score-keeping, but could someone please give me the order to energize?

This episode was Kelso's only appearance. I wonder if they felt it was worthwhile to introduce a new transporter chief so soon after O'Brien left...

Farallon: I'd like to apologize for my earlier obtuseness. I now accept that the exocomps are alive and sentient.
Data: Thank you. Since you can no longer sell them as toys, and since the particle fountain has proved to be a failure, what will you now do with your career?
Farallon: I've decided to found an institute that will help the exocomps grow and learn. I think I'll call it, "Professor Xaviera Farallon's School for Gifted Machines."
Picard: Catchy name.
(The exocomps continue their evolution at Perspicacious Speed)

Xaviera? I was shocked to find out that this is a real name.

(The exocomps continue their evolution at Perspicacious Speed)

Perspicacious means having insight into things that aren't obvious. Did Marc use a synonym generator?

Memory Alpha

* Frakes wondered why the poker scene never had a payoff. I have to agree.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Way back in "Home Soil" Crusher gave a quite thorough definition of life. It seems she forgot it. Must've been a conk on the head while at Starfleet Medical...
* Usually exocomps dematerialize their tools when it's no longer needed, yet when it was important to leave the tool it did. Oops.
* 22 minutes isn't enough time to get a shuttle over there? Really?
* Phil declares that Data has proven that the exocomps are alive, but not that they're sentient. I think Phil's been doing pushups under a parked car again, as sentience was pretty obvious to me!
* Crusher says that growing crystals aren't alive, yet they met some back in "Home Soil". Oops.

[Nate the Great]

February 22nd, 1993, "Birthright Part One"

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46578.4. The Enterprise has arrived at Station Deep Space Nine, to assist in the reconstruction of the Bajoran aqueduct systems damaged during the Cardassian occupation.

"For some reason, the entire senior staff of the station is occupied elsewhere playing some stupid board game with Gamma Quadrant aliens." Hehe...

CRUSHER: I should be through with the water contaminant analysis in a few hours. Then I'm going to check out one of the holosuites. They have got a relaxation programme here, Jean-Luc, from Alture Seven. Listen to this. First they bath you in a protein bath. Then a cloud of chromal vapour carries you into a meditation chamber. You should try it.

I'd really like to know how a cloud of vapor is supposed to carry a person. I can't find a usage of "chromal" that isn't related to chrome plating.

WORF: What is this?
LAFORGE: It's pasta al fiorella. One of my favourites.

Fiorella is a cheese that's a cross between mozarella and ricotta. This dish doesn't exist in the real world, but of course a Trek fan has created a recipe for it.

LAFORGE: (pushes plate away) I'll have to talk to Chief O'Brien about these replicators. Worf, I don't see how you can eat that stuff. It tastes like liquid polymer.
WORF: Delicious.

Was the "Worf likes food that other people think is awful" joke used more often than here and with Riker's eggs?

DATA: I am sorry, but use of sickbay equipment is limited to ship's medical personnel.

You'd think Bashir could just ask permission. Come to think of it, you'd think the CMO of DS9 could request the use of any Starfleet medical facility docked at the station.

SHREK: I expect to be paid for my information. Perhaps we could negotiate an exchange. The location of your father, for--

Does Worf even have gold-pressed latinum on him? I would understand Starfleet ships visiting DS9 to get enough latinum to buy a few meals, but Shrek would want more than that.

Then again, odds are Riker has some latinum on him. I recommend the DS9 novel "The Big Game" where Quark organizes a poker tournament. Riker was specifically invited, but he couldn't make it. Bashir takes his place and gets rather far, and this is BEFORE his enhancements were even conceived of.

(he is practising his martial arts, but gets angry and smashes a glass table. The doorbell chimes)

Seriously, why wouldn't Worf have sturdier furniture than this? I wonder if Troi ever told him how K'Ehleyr broke a table once upon a time.

WORF: A Klingon would never allow himself to be captured. A warrior fights to the death. If my father were alive it would dishonour his sons and their sons for three generations. Even Alexander would bear the burden of guilt.

This situation probably falls into the no-suicide clause.

BASHIR: Right. Data, can I ask you a personal question?
DATA: Certainly.
BASHIR: Does your hair grow?

You'd think something this basic would be part of the publicly-available specs.

DATA: I can control the rate of my follicle replenishment. However, I have not yet had a reason to modify the length of my hair.

A mission to Romulus where you have to impersonate a Romulan doesn't count?

BASHIR: You're breathing.
DATA: Yes. I do have a functional respiration system. However, its purpose is to maintain thermal control of my internal systems. I am, in fact, capable of functioning for extended periods in a vacuum.

"Or walking around on the bottom of a lake. However, I do not foresee ever needing to use that skill."

DATA: Most people are interested in my extraordinary abilities. How fast I can compute, my memory capacity, how long I will live.

That would also be part of his file! Why bother Data with this nonsense?

SHREK: Excellent. I can provide you with the coordinates.
WORF: No. You will take me there.
SHREK: No, it's not possible.

They could've saved so much trouble by just taking the Enterprise. Or at the very least, hiring your own ship. I'm sure Quark could help you out there...

DATA: I have analysed over four thousand different religious and philosophical systems, as well as over two hundred psychological schools of thought, in an effort to understand what happened.

The ratio between religions and psychological schools is interesting.

DATA: The interpretation of visions and other metaphysical experiences are almost always culturally derived, and I have no culture of my own.
PICARD: Yes, you do. You're a culture of one, which is no less valid than a culture of one billion.

Good point.

DATA: I do not understand.
SOONG: You're not supposed to. No man should know where his dreams come from. It spoils the mystery, the fun.

There's a lot to unpack here.

L'KOR: (sings) van'aj javDIch Qong DIr Sa'VIch ghIH yot quelI'Pa qevas HoH Qa. teblaw'nghu mughato'Du ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'

This is known as the Victory Song, written by Brannon Braga. The lyrics are Klingon words as created by Marc Okrand, but the translation is gibberish. I prefer the Warrior's Anthem, which actually has a meaning. And the Amazing Thing That I Learned Today is that the translation of the Warriors Anthem was used in the fan-made DS9 Season 5 trailer.

Memory Alpha

* It was supposed to be Dax in the Data plot, but Bashir "died" first in "Move Along Home."
* Data tells Bashir that he never had a reason to change his hair length, but he did it back in "The Schizoid Man". Oops.

Fiver

Captain's Log: We are docked at Deep Space Nine to promote the show and see some cast crossovers.

"Some"? There was only one!

Shrek: Worf, son of Mogh? I'm Shrek.
Worf: Where's the donkey? And should you not be green?
Shrek: Not that Shrek. My name is Shrek, too.
Worf: Ah, the sequel. Then where is Puss in Boots?
Shrek: Are you a Klingon or a Pakled?

I get the joke, but it seems a bit too obvious. More depth was needed.

La Forge: What is it with the father fetish of this episode?
Bashir: We go father than no one has gone before....

Horrible grammar for the sake of that joke.

Nitpicker's Guide

* So what was that "medical scanner" for, anyway?
* Phil noticed a person in the "Data-as-bird" flyby. This was mentioned on the Memory Alpha page, but I wasn't going to bring it up. This was June Abston, a makeup artist. Her "cameo" was removed for the remaster.
* Worf's "stealth suit" shows a human-style spine when we know that Klingon spines are much more spiky ("Ethics").

[Nate the Great]

March 1st, 1993, "Birthright Part II"

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

WORF: Why did you allow it to happen?
GI'RAL: We had no choice. We were defending an outpost on the perimeter. The Romulans took out our shields. The next blast rendered us unconscious. When we awoke, we were prisoners, unarmed and shackled.
L'KOR: We were interrogated for three months. We tried to starve ourselves but they kept us alive.

I'd think if any race would know how to kill themselves without weapons it would be the Klingons. Or at the very least use the Josephus tactic.

L'KOR: The Romulans hoped to trade our lives for territorial concessions, but the Klingon High Council refused to negotiate. They would not acknowledge that their warriors had been taken prisoner.
GI'RAL: And when it was clear that we would be of no use to them, Tokath offered to let us go.
L'KOR: But we knew that our families believed we had fallen in battle, so we did not wish to return to dishonour them.
GI'RAL: We asked Tokath to let us stay and he took pity on us.

And you didn't commit suicide at that point...why? Look, I don't actually hate this episode, it's just a bit too contrived.

L'KOR: Why did you come here? If you had found your father you would have found only dishonour.
WORF: If he had been captured as you were, if I had found him here, I would be glad to see him. There is no room in my heart for shame.
L'KOR: I can only hope that if my son came here, he would be Klingon enough to kill me.

This needed more elaboration. Worf's code is not the same as other Klingons, and because of that Klingon history is quite different. Just think about it, without him Duras and the Romulans would've taken over the entire Alpha Quadrant by now.

WORF: This is a gin'tak spear.

You'd think these things would've joined the standard Klingon arsenal, but nope. They didn't even make a cameo until Lower Decks.

TOQ: We have no need for weapons here. The war is far away.
WORF: What war?
TOQ: The war our parents came here to escape.
WORF: That war was over many years ago.
TOQ: I'm not interested in what you have to say, Klingon.

This seems odd. Are the Romulans deliberately not keeping them informed about current events?

BA'EL: Aren't you happy to have escaped the war?
WORF: The war.
BA'EL: Yes. We've heard the stories all our lives. How people are slaughtered in terrible battles, forced to fight whether they want to or not. That's why our parents came here, to make a safe home, a place where they could raise their children in peace. I should think you'd be relieved to get away from the fighting. You're safe here.

The Romulans have no reason to lie about this, so this must be the elder generation trying to preserve their honor. But this is hardly the simplest method. If I gave it some thought I could probably think up a reasonable alternative, but I'm not in the mood.

WORF: A place can be safe and still be a prison. Where I come from, people are free to come and go as they choose.
BA'EL: So are we.
WORF: Tell your father that you would like to leave. Tell him that you would like to visit the Klingon Home world. See what he says.
BA'EL: Why would I want to go there? It's dangerous.

"To go alone, take this." Sorry. Anyway, how can the war still be going on if Q'onos has fallen? STVI really seemed to imply that no Q'onos=no organized empire.

TOKATH: You're just like L'Kor was twenty years ago. Proud and angry. He hated me. All the Klingons did. And I had no love for them, I won't deny it. When I informed the High Command that the Klingons wanted to remain here, I was told that unless I stayed to oversee them myself, they would be killed. My decision ended my military career.
WORF: Why did you do it?
TOKATH: I don't expect you to understand. You're a Klingon. But I do expect you to understand this, We've put aside the old hatreds. Here, Romulans and Klingons live in peace. I won't allow you to destroy what we have.

There's so much to unpack here. How do the Romulan, Klingon (old), Klingon (Worf), and Federation ideas of peace compare? How much is Tokath deluding himself? Etc.

BA'EL: Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'
WORF: Do you know what that song means?
BA'EL: No. I just like the melody.

So are these Klingons speaking a language other than Klingon? If they were speaking Romulan I would imagine Worf would be even more angry.

The Victory Song will be repeated later in the episode. The translation is gibberish.

TOKATH: We haven't had to use one of these for a long time. It implants a small boridium pellet under the skin.

Boridium makes a few appearances throughout Trek. Usually they're used for power networks, but the people of Rigel IV make knives out of it.

(She opens a chest. It contains Klingon armour amongst other items)
BA'EL: I don't know why, but I'm not supposed to look at these things. They're Klingon, aren't they?
WORF: Yes.

Well, duh. Klingons don't seem like the type to regularly import items from elsewhere in the galaxy. Maybe there would be a few Romulan artifacts from the alliance in the TOS days, but that would be it.

(Well, maybe there would be a Klingon translation of Shakespeare in there as well...)

(Ba'el has taken a necklace)
BA'EL: Isn't it beautiful?
WORF: That is a jinaq. It is given to a daughter who has come of age, old enough to take a mate.

The jInaq only appears in the novel Kahless besides this episode.

WORF: Kahless held his father's lifeless body in his arms. He could not believe what his brother had done. Then his brother threw their father's sword into the sea, saying, if he could not possess it, neither would Kahless. That was the last time the brothers would speak.

Kahless' brother was Morath. He's prominent in the novel "Kahless", and the blood the "Kahless" clone was made from was really his. The brother's relationship was much different than as related here.

[Nate the Great]

BA'EL: This Kahless, did he ever take a mate?
WORF: That is another story.
BA'EL: Tell me.

Yes he did. Her name was Kellien. She gave him her jiNaq to hold onto until they could be married. She died before they could be, so he wore the necklace for the rest of his life and never married.

WORF: Klingons and Romulans are blood enemies. Have been for centuries.
BA'EL: Not here. Here, we live in peace.

Except for that brief period in the TOS days when they were allies. And then Kor screwed it up and Kera's (the Romulan Commander played by Mark Leonard, just reverse the letters) daughter-in-law put an end to that. I highly recommend all of John Byrne's Trek comics.

WORF: The qa'vak is not a game. It hones the skills of the hunt.

Another piece of Klingon lore that should've been reused.

TOQ: The hunt? We have replicators here.

Ugh. As has been covered by numerous other episodes, replicated stuff doesn't quite taste like the real thing if you know the difference. Furthermore we know that Klingons avoide replicators if possible. Their bloodwine is real, their gagh is real, I'll bet the targ is real too.

TOQ: Tonight, as we came home, we sang a song of victory. A song known only to me as a lullaby. But it is a warrior's song. Bagh Da tuHmoh. Fire streaks the heavens. ChojaH Duh rHo. Battle has begun. Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo.
(others join in and I cannot be bothered to try and transcribe it all.)

Why bother? As I already said, the lyrics are gibberish.

BA'EL: (to the guard) Thank you. I will remove the tracking device. Then you can go over the wall and hide in the jungle.

And then what? He has no way off the planet. Eventually Worf would have no choice but to try killing the Romulans one by one until they kill him.

BA'EL: They will kill you.
WORF: Yes. But they will not defeat me.

"I cannot defeat this Klingon. All I can do is kill him, and that no longer holds my interest."

BA'EL: If there is anything that I've learned from you, from your reaction to me, it's that I have no place out there. Other Klingons will not accept me for what I am.

So stay on the Enterprise! For that matter, do the Romulans know that he's a Starfleet officer?

PICARD: You found what you were looking for, Mister Worf?
WORF: No, sir. There was no prison camp. Those young people are survivors of a vessel that crashed in the Carraya system four years ago. No one survived Khitomer.
PICARD: I understand.

Sometime between now and "Rightful Heir" Worf will tell Picard about this. II wonder what the point is in being cryptic here.

The Fiver

Tokath: Worf, remember E'b'nee --
Worf: -- and I-Vo'Ree. Live together?
Tokath: In perfect harmony, side by side on the piano keyboard.
Worf: Oh, Lord, why -- stop reciting these lyrics!
Tokath: It's a small wonder you didn't catch on earlier.

Well, that pun is just painful.

Ba'el: Brushing up on your Tai Chi?
Worf: This is the Mok'bara, which forms the basis for Klingon combat.
Ba'el: I have a better suggestion -- bite me.
Worf: Uhh....
Ba'el: I mean my cheek.
Gi'ral: Keep your filthy hands off my daughter, you!

"For your sake I hope you are initiating a Klingon mating ritual."

Ba'el: Is that a d'k tahg in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

This joke is overused.

Tokath: Worf must be executed, since we can't imagine....
Worf: All the people -- don't agree.
Toq: Kill him, but kill me first.
Ba'el: No, me. I'm sick of hearing all these song lyrics.

My Google Fu failed me this time. Explanation?

Data: This message comes with a Klingon emoticon.
Picard: Come again?
Data: Three beginning angles, one ending angle, a colon, and a start parenthesis.

Beginning angle? Could someone translate this one?

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why the Data and Worf plots couldn't have been split into two separate episodes. Personally I think the Worf story deserved two full episodes (intercut with the rest of the crew looking for him and dealing with a parallel Romulan plot).
* Phil questions how the cover story for the survivors will work out since these kids know almost nothing about current Klingon culture or current events.
* Wasn't a Klingon captured by the Romulans and returned without incident back in "A Matter of Honor"?

[Nate the Great]

March 29th, 1993, "Starship Mine"

Ah yes, "Die Hard in Space".

No Fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46682.4. The Enterprise is docked at the Remmler Array, where it will undergo a routine procedure to eliminate accumulated baryon particles. In preparation for the sweep, we are evacuating the ship.

I hate it when the creators take a real scientific term and reappropriate it for something else. Baryon is a real word, it means a subatomic particle with an odd number of quarks. Or put more simply, PROTONS and NEUTRONS are baryons, remove them from a starship and there's nothing left!

TROI: Captain. We're still behind schedule on decks seven and eight. Shall I tell Arkaria Base there'll be a delay?
PICARD: No. Open up the transporters in Cargo bay two and divert everyone from deck seven to there.

I wonder how long it takes to change the settings on a cargo transporter to dial up the precision to lifeform levels. And frankly all of the cargo transporters should already be in use to evacuate the ship.

CRUSHER: Captain. Arkaria Base does not have the medical storage units I have requested. I have seven living tissue samples that won't survive the baryon sweep anymore than you or I would.

You'd think Crusher would've dealt with this way before now.

PICARD: Mister Data, are you all right?
DATA: Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.
PICARD: Small talk.
DATA: Yes, sir. I have found that humans often use small talk during awkward moments. Therefore, I have written a new subroutine for that purpose. How did I do?
PICARD: Perhaps it was a little too non-relevant. But if you really are interested in small talk, then you should keep your eye on Commander Hutchinson at the reception this afternoon. He's a master.

In retrospect mastering small talk seems like a necessary stepping stone to the humor that he's already tackled.

LAFORGE: Yes, sir. We've logged in five years more warp hours than most ships do in ten, so our baryon particle levels are high.

Look, I'm all for warp drive creating impurities on a ship that have to be cleaned out every so often, but you can't call them baryons!

I wonder if Voyager's redesigned warp engines negated the necessity of baryon sweeps.

PICARD: Very well. Computer, disable all command functions in thirty minutes.

And command functions have to be disabled-why?

WORF: Captain. Request permission to be excused from Commander Hutchinson's reception.
PICARD: Permission granted. I wish I could excuse myself as well.
LAFORGE: Captain, permission to be
PICARD: Mister La Forge, I cannot excuse my entire senior staff. Mister Worf beat you to it.

Ha ha. And then Worf gives the most amused and yet smug smirk.

NEIL: Where's the ODN interface?

You know, if you're going to steal from the flagship, I expect you to have every step of this theft rehearsed on the holodeck before you show up!

DATA: It is very good to see you both again. Beverly. May I call you Beverly? Beverly, have you noticed that the mean temperature here on Arkaria is slightly higher normal for human comfort levels? I have found that humans prefer a body temperature of twenty one degrees Celsius in order to operate most efficiently. However, there are several cultures who actually prefer that their body temperature is identical to the temperature of the room in which they are standing. The Sheliak, for example...

Body temperature is 37 Celsius. 21 Celsius is room temperature (about 70 Farenheit). Or rather a bit hotter than room temperature, which we usually take as 20 C or 68 F. I won't get into thermostat wars, that's a beartrap I don't care to step into.

PICARD: Then I have enough time to back to the ship and get my saddle.
TROI: Your saddle?
PICARD: Yes. A saddle is a very personal thing. It has to be broken in, used, cared for.
LAFORGE: You keep a saddle on board the Enterprise?
PICARD: Oh yes, yes. I never know when I'll have the opportunity to ride.
TROI: I see.
PICARD: It's perfectly normal. Most serious riders do have their own saddles.

After "Pen Pals" I'm surprised that Troi isn't aware of Picard's interest in horses.

DEVOR: What are you doing?
(everyone, say hi! to Tim Russ, not yet a Vulcan)

May I recommend the 1993 "Journey to the Center of the Earth" TV movie if you want to see a pre-Tuvok Russ?

(Devor makes to attack Picard with the laser, so he throws the saddle at him. They wrestle then Picard neck-pinches him unconscious)

Phil Farrand suspects that it was Picard's mindmeld with Sarek that allowed him to neck-pinch. I'm doubtful. I can't help but feel that like every other time Vulcans make skin contact, there is a telepathic component involved. Especially when you consider all the times Spock neck pinched people from species that he'd never met before. So I have no clue how Picard did that. How Data can do it requires another theory.

RIKER: Geordi, what happened to the Captain?
LAFORGE: Oh, he went back to the ship to get his saddle.
RIKER: His saddle?
LAFORGE: Any serious rider would have his own saddle.
RIKER: Oh.

Round Two for the Rule of Three. Had they tried to quadruple-dip this gag it would've backfired.

DEVOR: The baryon sweep uses a high-frequency plasma field. Your phaser won't work.
PICARD: You're probably right. But I'd like to bet this will. A laser welder can be deadly.

I have no problem with laser welders being simpler mechanically and thus still being functional, it's phasers not being able to handle a plasma field that bugs me. Come to think it of it, wouldn't a secondary beam for a phaser be a good idea? Only a single lethal setting, but using the minimal number of parts to ensure functionality in unusual situations like this?

DEVOR: You're Starfleet. You won't kill me.
PICARD: You sure?
(Picard hypos him instead)
PICARD: Seems you're right.

I'll skip the screed about Starfleet ethics regarding lethal force, but I can tell you it would've been a BIG one.

(Picard is caught trying to climb up. It's Patricia Tallman in alien makeup as Kiros)

Patricia Tallman was a regular on Babylon 5, but as SF Debris said once, her Trek work was as a stuntwoman. So I wouldn't get attached to her.

HUTCH: That's fascinating. Not too many people know this, but Tyrellia is one of only three known inhabited worlds without a magnetic pole.
DATA: I was aware of that. But are you aware that Tyrellia is one of seven known planets with no atmosphere whatsoever.

No magnetic pole? If there's a molten metal core there HAS to be a magnetic field around the planet. Furthermore, I have to think that a magnetic field is necessary for proper weather patterns to maintain Class M conditions.

No atmosphere whatsoever? Not so rare, but if we're talking about inhabited worlds it narrows things down significantly. I can't imagine the inhabitants are anywhere near humanoid, they'd have to be closer to the Companion or a Horta.

TROI: They're still at it.
RIKER: Non-stop. I have to admit it has a certain strange fascination. How long can two people talk about nothing?

Eight years if Seinfeld is to be believed.

NEIL: Okay. That should do it. I think.
KELSEY: (did I mention she's a redhead?) Be sure, Neil.

Hey Chakoteya, what does her being a redhead have to do with ANYTHING? Are you sharing a fetish, tapping into a cliche, or what?

[Nate the Great]

KELSEY: Who are you?
PICARD: My name is Mot. I'm the barber.

Mot actually only made two on-screen appearances (three if you count cut scenes), which surprised me. There were a few other Bolian barbers seen in other episodes, it's unknown if any of them were supposed to be Mot.

TROI: They haven't tried to communicate with the outside.
RIKER: No demands, no political statements, no theft. They must want something.

I can't imagine anything here is worthy of theft (except Data, of course). I can't imagine how this would be a good chance to make a political statement. So blackmail or ransom would be the obvious reason.

CRUSHER: I've adjusted the optical transducer in his visor to block some of the pain receptors in his brain.

For once the Treknobabble makes sense. A transducer is something that converts energy from one form into another. All sound devices, antennas, and sensors contain them.

How Crusher did this without tools is a surprise. I can't imagine that the VISOR has styluses stored inside to manipulate the circuitry.

PICARD: I would rather destroy the ship than allow that material to fall into the hands of terrorists.
KELSEY: What makes you think I'm a terrorist?
PICARD: Trilithium resin is a highly toxic waste product produced by our engines.
PICARD [OC]: It's only possible use could be as a weapon.

That's sure the only use that Sisko found for it.

KIROS [OC]: I have Mott.
KELSEY: Is he alive?
KIROS [OC]: Yes.

I think you mean, "Who's Mott? We're looking for Mot!" Sorry, but after his earlier quips I had to take a potshot at Chakoteya.

KELSEY: I'm not a terrorist Captain, nor do I have a political agenda, although I know some people who do have agendas. And they are very interested in this little container.
PICARD: Profit. This is all about profit.
KELSEY: I prefer to think of it as commerce.

The whole "I prefer to call it something not quite as offensive" thing is a cliche that needs to be eliminated from the writer's handbook. There's only so many ways to do it well, and that usually requires a pun or other double-meaning. You can't play it straight anymore and extract any entertainment from it.

WORF: Captain, you keep a saddle on board?
RIKER: Mister Worf, I'm surprised at you.
CRUSHER: Anyone who is an experienced rider naturally has his own saddle.
TROI: It's perfectly normal.

Actually, of anyone on board I would expect Worf to understand the importance of a saddle. Klingons would have their own equivalent to a horse that is still used in battles, wouldn't they?

Memory Alpha

* It's pointed out that Archer and McCoy also failed to learn the nerve pinch post mind-meld.
* The difference between the trilithium of Generations and the trilithium resin of this episode is discussed.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why doesn't Picard head for a shuttlebay or the Captain's Yacht? In the Yacht's (AKA the Callipso's) case I would have to imagine that the launch sequence requires a lot more assistance from outside to undock the ship.
* Phil is confused about the humor from Worf's final "of course", his only theory is that it's a Mr. Ed joke. It's just Worf being deadpan and going along with his captain, you don't need to overthink it, Phil!
* The Tarellians are mentioned, a race that was last seen in "Haven" and consisting of a small group of Typhoid Marys that Wyatt was trying to help. I'll have to assume that they're not the same race.
* Someone messed up the digits in the stardate, because otherwise somehow Worf escaped the Romulan prison camp for one mission before being sent back.
* One of the weapons the thieves used is a Varon T disruptor, last seen in "The Most Toys" as something that only one of exists outside of Fajo's collection. It's a surprise that a common thief would be using such a weapon for a simple theft.